Friday Funnies

MonkieSocks

Dave walks into the bar and sees his mate Jeff huddled on the bar, depressed.

Dave walks over and asks Jeff what’s wrong.

"Well," replies Jeff, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a hard on every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Dave with a smile.

"Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That’s great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was worried I’d get a stiffy again.

So I got some sellotape and taped my dick to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show."

"Sensible." says Dave.

"So I get to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell.
And she answered it in the shortest skirt you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

Jeff huddles over the bar again.



"I kicked her in the face."
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Johnny goes for job at a blacksmith's and blacksmith asks,

"Have you ever shoed a horse before?"




Johnny says, "Nope but I once told a donkey to piss off."
_____________________________

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the ladies.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now ... get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

shawnee

Brill !