We were on a break/broken up

at the end of the day OP the best way to move forward in life is brutal honesty.

you were broken up, tell her how you felt and what you did.
if you do love her she deserves to know ALL the facts. its not like it was off for months, tell her.

its up to her what she does with the information but she deserves to know to know the facts so she can make a full decision.

you can forgive her for breaking up with you out of the blue.
it may take a while, and a good bit of thinking on her part, but if its worth saving than she should try and see it from both points of view.

at least you will know you were 100% honest and if she cant accept it, thats her decision.
honesty should give you some piece of mind. imho!

ash23

WhatWillBee wrote: »

But if I'm the gf and my ex boyf sleeps with someone else 24hrs after we break up all I'm thinking is that he didn't give a crap about me or the relationship and he didn't even skip a beat before he moved onto someone else. If the relationship meant anything to him he should be grieving the end of it, not motorboating his cares away

If I'm the boyfriend and my gf dumps me all I'm thinking is that she didn't give a crap about me or the relationship and she didn't even skip a beat before dumping my ass and if the relationship meant anything to her she should have worked on it and not thrown it all away...so I'm going to assume I'm single, she doesn't give a fiddlers and go out and do whatever I want.

She dumped him. Imo she has no right to be angry with him for anything he did after that. I slept with someone shortly after my ex dumped me. I just needed to get it over and done with, he had moved on and I couldn't bear the fact that he was the last man I'd slept with. It didn't mean I wasn't still cut up over him at the time or that I wasn't devestated and still hurting. It was just something that I felt I needed to do. Had we gotten back together I'd have told him and if he'd dare try to turn it around on me I wouldn't have tolerated it after the anguish he caused me by breaking up with me. No way!

he was single, he could sleep with whomever he wanted. That's what happens when you dump someone, you give up all rights to them. You don't get to throw a fit when you find out they've been with someone else.

i would still tell her so she knows and for the more selfish reason of - if she finds out elsewhere it'll be a major issue later

Mmmoments

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

I agree with you in that the rights v wrongs are complicated.



The choice is

tell her = no relationship;

don't tell = relationship.



IMO, the sex was truly meaningless.

From the OP's point of view it is of little significance to the relationship.

From the GF point of view it's life shattering.



If both parties really want to try and re-build their relationship, then IMO the OP can justify withholding this information.



True honesty is not necessarily the best policy in all circumstances.

Mighty Mouse, I agree with what you are saying- but.....!

That's only the case if she never finds out and what are the chances of that? 5/6 people know, not to mention the other girl - a woman scorned - who clearly has no time for his girlfriend anyway as she was flirting with him even though he was in a relationship.

It will hurt her less if it comes from him and is easier to get passed. It's devastating if it comes from someone else.

Him coming clean shows her she can trust him and that the sex was meaningless because he's not trying to keep it from her.

Hearing it from someone else has the added torture for his girlfriend that he and the other girl were "in it together" keeping it from her...added betrayal and almost unforgiveable.

It'll hurt her that he slept with someone else (which wasn't wrong per se - they were broken up), it'll kill her it was someone who was disrespecting their relationship anyway (he may not have slept with anyone if this girl hadn't set it up by flirting with him continuously and him allowing it) but there's no going back if he doesn't show her the basic respect of being the one to tell her.

Tell her OP - you're making a fool out of her otherwise.

zxcvbnm1

I didn't read the whole thread - but if you are confident she will not find out then i wouldn't tell her.

And even if she does find out at a later date, you can always say u didn't tell her to spare her feelings and tpo avoid bringing hassle on the relationship - which is reasonable enough really.

Listen - if you tell her it will crush her. She won't be able to forget about it for a while anbd it will effect the relationship.

In all likelihood she won't find out.

Well worth the gamble in my book. A no-brainer in fact.

seenitall

bluewolf wrote: »

he was single, he could sleep with whomever he wanted. That's what happens when you dump someone, you give up all rights to them. You don't get to throw a fit when you find out they've been with someone else.

@ Ash and bluewolf:

If it would be ok and not a deal-breaker for you if your b/f - ex - then b/f again did this the moment you were broken up, it doesn't mean that it would be ok for every woman. I really don't think I could go on with him in that situation, my view of him and what I meant to him would change irreparably. Who are you to tell me and others like me what I have or haven't the right to feel?

The OP is hiding this from her because he knows well that it would mean putting the relationship on the line. The only "she doesn't get to..." about it is she doesn't get to know the truth and decide for herself what to do about the information.

Ickle Magoo

I think you really have to have a close look at your motives for not being honest, OP.

If it includes things like saving yourself grief and deliberately hiding something you think would cause the end of your relationship then that's really quite manipulative and self-serving. I think you also have to decide whether this is something you want hanging over your head, waiting for the beans to be spilt and cause a much bigger reaction - all because you've made the decision on her behalf that your girlfriend & relationship is better off if she's kept in the dark...

She ended the relationship, you did nothing wrong - but I think now deliberately choosing not to tell her you slept with someone else when other people know is a disaster waiting to happen. If she does end things then between that and the freak-out that led to the break in the first-instance, you have very good indicators that the relationship wasn't going to go the distance anyway.

All the best you.

ash23

seenitall wrote: »

@ Ash and bluewolf:

If it would be ok and not a deal-breaker for you if your b/f - ex - then b/f again did this the moment you were broken up, it doesn't mean that it would be ok for every woman. I really don't think I could go on with him in that situation, my view of him and what I meant to him would change irreparably. Who are you to tell me and others like me what I have or haven't the right to feel?

The OP is hiding this from her because he knows well that it would mean putting the relationship on the line. The only "she doesn't get to..." about it is she doesn't get to know the truth and decide for herself what to do about the information.

And who are you to tell us we don't have the right to feel the way we do about it?
Personally if I were in the OPs situation and this person gave me grief over it, I wouldn't tolerate it. After being dumped there wouldn't be a notion of some bloke giving me guff over what I did when he dumped me. OP can choose whether to take the sh!t she may give him over it. But in my opinion, she'd have some nerve giving him crap over it.

It's up to the OP as to what he does. It's only opinions after all.

seenitall

seenitall wrote: »

@ Ash and bluewolf:

If it would be ok and not a deal-breaker for you if your b/f - ex - then b/f again did this the moment you were broken up, it doesn't mean that it would be ok for every woman. I really don't think I could go on with him in that situation, my view of him and what I meant to him would change irreparably. Who are you to tell me and others like me what I have or haven't the right to feel?

What on earth are you talking about? I didn't say you shouldn't feel anything. I didn't say she shouldn't feel she should break up with him when he tells her. I'm saying he didn't do anything wrong. I'm also telling him to tell her, regardless. I've said so twice.

The OP is hiding this from her because he knows well that it would mean putting the relationship on the line. The only "she doesn't get to..." about it is she doesn't get to know the truth and decide for herself what to do about the information.

I don't know why you're telling me this since I'm telling him to tell her. After that she can do as she wants. If that includes dumping him, that's her choice. Not his.

I am a friend

The bottom line here is

1. Your relationship was already in the sewer hence the break up in the first place.
2. Her side of the bed wasnt even cold before you filled it. :eek:

Even though you were technically single, if I were your gf, I think I would have little or no respect for you being so weak... So you are single 24 hours and the first thing you so is shag someone? Is your confidence so low, that you need the ego boost? Why the hell would you? It would lead me to believe there are some worrying carachter flaws in your make up. Just my 2c.....

desertcircus

It's incredibly unfair on the OP to cast aspersions on his state of mind and his feelings for his girlfriend. She dumped him without making any effort to salvage the relationship. At that point all bets are off. How long it takes someone to hook up with another man or woman is irrelevant anyway because it varies so much between people, but doubly so when you've simply beem cast aside like that. If I dumped my girlfriend and then asked if she'd take me back I'd have some nerve to make any judgment on what her behaviour in the interim meant about our relationship.

OP, it's up to you to decide. If I were you, though, I'd tell her. Better she find out now than later on. One thing, though: be prepared for her to be upset, but don't apologise for it. This was not a failing on your part.

seenitall

ash23 wrote: »

And who are you to tell us we don't have the right to feel the way we do about it?

@ Ash

Can you point it out to me where I wrote that you haven't the right to feel whatever you want to feel about your guy doing this?

This is the sentence of yours that got my reaction: "Imo she has no right to be angry with him for anything he did after that."

Apologies if you feel I overreacted, I may have, as I feel pretty strongly about this!

@ bluewolf

OK. I'm sorry if I took you up the wrong way with the "she doesn't get to" comment. It read to me like you were saying that she isn't entitled to feel upset about something like this, but obviously I was wrong.

seenitall

seenitall wrote: »

@ bluewolf

OK. I'm sorry if I took you up the wrong way with the "she doesn't get to" comment. It read to me like you were saying that she isn't entitled to feel upset about something like this, but obviously I was wrong.

She can feel upset, but she can also realise that he was also entitled to go off and do as he likes. She doesn't have to like what he did and can act in response to that, but does not have some kind of moral high ground because her EX, a single person, did what single people do. That is the reality of the situation which is what I meant: you dump them, you give up rights to them. If you don't like people sleeping around in general, or after break ups, that's one thing, but they were not in a relationship when he slept with someone.

I'm a tad appalled by the "did he love me at all" and accusations of weakness and character flaws which is probably what prompted that response from me.

ash23

seenitall wrote: »

@ Ash

Can you point it out to me where I wrote that you haven't the right to feel whatever you want to feel about your guy doing this?

This is the sentence of yours that got my reaction: "Imo she has no right to be angry with him for anything he did after that."

Apologies if you feel I overreacted, I may have, as I feel pretty strongly about this!

@ bluewolf

OK. I'm sorry if I took you up the wrong way with the "she doesn't get to" comment. It read to me like you were saying that she isn't entitled to feel upset about something like this, but obviously I was wrong.

You know what Imo means? It means "in my opinion".
Sorry if that wasn't clear.

I am a friend

desertcircus wrote: »

It's incredibly unfair on the OP to cast aspersions on his state of mind and his feelings for his girlfriend.

Dont agree... His state of mind was good enough to go out, chat up someone he knows fancy him and shag her... :rolleyes:

Taltos

Folks & I_am_a_friend,

This is an advice forum - please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.

Further posts insulting the OP will result in warnings, infractions and/or bans.

Many thanks.
Taltos

tiny_penguin

I am a friend wrote: »

The bottom line here is

1. Your relationship was already in the sewer hence the break up in the first place.
2. Her side of the bed wasnt even cold before you filled it. :eek:

Even though you were technically single, if I were your gf, I think I would have little or no respect for you being so weak... So you are single 24 hours and the first thing you so is shag someone? Is your confidence so low, that you need the ego boost? Why the hell would you? It would lead me to believe there are some worrying carachter flaws in your make up. Just my 2c.....

And I would have very little or no respect for someone who would end a relationship on a whim like that. It would lead me to believe they didn't care enough to even try and work through the problems just to break up like that.

It goes both ways. To be honest I think she was worse for jumping into a break up and what he does after that is his business. She doesn't have a right to be angry at him - but she does have a right to decide whether or not to continue the relationship. At the end of the day she put him in that situation, it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't dumped him.

If i were her I'd personally rather not know, because I would know he had done nothing wrong but I would prefer not to think of him with someone else like that and im not sure i could get over that.

OP if you think there is any chance of her finding out, it is better to tell her. But if she gets angry then you need to decide if the relationship is worth it. If you want to be with someone who breaks up with you on a whim and then tells you what your reaction to that should/shouldn't have been. If you do tell her, explain it as you have here - as i think you explained well that it didn't mean anything to you. I also think you need to work through the reasons why her first reaction to a stressful situation was to dump you - just in case this becomes a regular occurrence in your future relationship.

seenitall

bluewolf wrote: »

I'm a tad appalled by the "did he love me at all" and accusations of weakness and character flaws which is probably what prompted that response from me.

@ bluewolf:

I know. I get quite a few surprises on these threads myself.

I'm not an advocate of any moral high ground here. If my b/f -ex -b/f again did this, for me it wouldn't be about the right and wrong of it. If it were about that, there would be no quandary, we were broken up. It would be about my feelings and my view of someone which can sometimes be pretty impervious to the idea of right and wrong. Feelings can be such irrational beasts, and therefore...

...like I said earlier, you may be appalled by it, and fair play; others would feel the same as the OP's g/f would (presumably) feel.

@ Ash:

I know what IMO means. Like I said, I overreacted in phrasing my response to that.

EDIT: sorry, went into discussion mode, mods. I'll try and keep away from now on, my contribution to the OP is long done.

Ickle Magoo

Folks, there has already been a warning to keep posts on-topic and helpful to the OP - and that doesn't mean addressing another poster and tacking on a token couple of lines to the OP at the end.

Please take note of mod warnings - and take the time to read the [URL="http http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I have a story that deals with similar opinions on what is moral/immoral to do after a break-up.

My ex broke up with me at the end of April 2010. In late July 2010 I met my current girlfriend. In mid August 2010 (3 1/2 months after the breakup) the new GF and I went on a road trip to Galway and I took some photos of us on my phone which I tagged and uploaded to Facebook.

About a month later my friend and I were driving to a wedding up the country. We were talking about my new GF and he mentioned that his GF thought it was a little insensitive and tasteless to my ex to post those photos on Facebook. My friend told her that it wasn't at all and I was entitled to move on. My view to my friend was that I might not have uploaded them if I broke up with her, to save her feelings. However the fact of the matter was she broke up with me and that if she was upset by the photos and reckoned she made a mistake or whatever she should have spoken up.

I know it was a serious long term relationship but after being the one dumped and after almost 4 months I can't believe I was still expected to be "in mourning".

So some of the etiquette I believe has to do with who ended the relationship. The OP's ex had obviously thought about things and so was prepared for the break-up. For the OP it was probably a huge shock to his system. Also It completely a matter of opinion on how long a person should leave before hooking up with someone else.

Mighty_Mouse

Mighty Mouse, I agree with what you are saying- but.....!

That's only the case if she never finds out and what are the chances of that? 5/6 people know, not to mention the other girl - a woman scorned - who clearly has no time for his girlfriend anyway as she was flirting with him even though he was in a relationship.

I agree.
For me, I don't see the point in her knowing.
However if there's any chance of your GF finding out then you're probably best off telling her yourself.

TBh both of ye clearly have done wrongs, it could be an opportunity to get everything on the table & see where ye go from there.
She ended the relationship. She clearly has bigger issues other than her going through a tough time personally. There has to be significant relationship issues existing that maybe an all-round dose of honest might fix.

Mmmoments

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

I agree.
For me, I don't see the point in her knowing.
However if there's any chance of your GF finding out then you're probably best off telling her yourself.

TBh both of ye clearly have done wrongs, it could be an opportunity to get everything on the table & see where ye go from there.
She ended the relationship. She clearly has bigger issues other than her going through a tough time personally. There has to be significant relationship issues existing that maybe an all-round dose of honest might fix.

OP having followed the whole thread from the beginning I think this is the best advice you are going to get.

If you both lay all your cards on the table it'll solve everything one way or the other. Even if a break-up now with full disclosure gives you a chance to have some kind of genuine relationship (maybe as friends if nothing more) later.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one.

A good friend of mine was in a long term relationship for a few years and the girlfriend went into a difficult mental state and with a lot of stress in her life she decided to end things as she didn't want to hurt him any more. Less than 12 hours later he was in my bed. He knew I'd liked him for a while and we were good mates, but I'd never openly flirted. He was taken so that was that for me.

About 24 hours after that, they reconciled. He didn't tell her about me (I knew a couple of his friends and I was hurt, but I wasn't going to betray him like that so I was willing to be his dirty secret). He offered me money to get my car fixed as a way of "thanking" me but I declined; at the time I was a prostitute but with feeling so strongly for him I didn't want to cheapen the event even more.

They stayed together, but after a few weeks he told me that she wasn't sleeping with him as she wanted to sort her issues out (not relationship based) and so he returned to me for his "needs" quite a number of times. I became pregnant but kept it from him for as long as I could. I miscarried, which is both traumatic and a relief in this instance. They sorted things out and stayed together for another two years or so and I never spoke of his infidelities. As far as she knows (that I know), he was faithful the entire time.

OP, if you feel that if your girlfriend wants to cool things down for a while, do you think that you can handle abstaining, or would that be something that you couldn't understand? I understood my friend hopping into bed with me the first time (but was surprised) as he was single, but to carry on with me for months afterwards was treating his girlfriend like dirt for no reason other than he had needs. That was blatant disregard for the girl's feelings. Do you think you would be like that? Do you think if this she-wolf approached again when you'd the opportunity to go off with her again you'd decline, or figure that you may as well go down for grand larcenry as petty theft, ie you've been with her once already, so might as well continue. If you feel like this whatsoever, you're better off breaking up with your girlfriend yourself instead of wanting to be with her but not being with her as she wants.

I gather you're quite young to have such a question of "to tell or not" but whatever happens, don't let this be a moment you look back on and regret for whatever reason. If you don't tell her she might never find out, but the relationship you'll have will always be false and you might live in fear until you forget about it. Ghosts from the past have a funny way of showing up when you least expect or want them to.