unplanned pregnancy, abortion decission to make?

Beamer Queen

Hello, I’ve recently found out that im 5-6 weeks pregnant. My circumstances at the moment are as follows: I’m 26 and recently moved back in with my parents due to thinking I was being made redundant. I travel 1.5hrs to work in the morning and same in the evening. I have had a causal relationship on and off with the same person for years and 3 weeks ago I slept with another man.

I have told my casual partner about the pregnancy and he did not hesitate in saying he would stand by me in any decision I make and he will support me in every way he can and I know he means that. I then told him about my one night stand as I need to be open with him and he said that he will still be there for me but needs a few days to think.
I’ve always had the intention of having children but was not expecting this. I don’t know where to start about making a decision that will change my life for ever.

If I was to keep the baby, how much does it cost? My take home pay at the moment is €2k a month after tax; deductions include €250 rent a month, €350 diesel a month, €400 on loan repayment. Im sure that my wage is probably not too bad but I constantly live in my overdraft of €1200 and have a Visa bill of 2k. How much maternity benefit would I be entitled to? But also how do people manage to return to work after a baby and the commute I have and what is the cost of child care?

If I was to travel to England, and not have the baby im afraid of my mental health. I have been depressed before and fear the after affects as there is no one I can speak to about the pregnancy. Has anyone had these decisions to make? I know a lot of people do not agree with the abortion route and I respect their opinions and I do not want this to be a debate about what’s wrong and right.

Although my casual partner says he will be supportive, I believe he means well but I know I will be on my own with the child and bringing it up and I know if I go to England that he will come with me. Any advice on suggests on how to way the differences up or things I should also consider. I apologise for the long message but the more info I have put in the more you may be able to help. Thank you all in advance for taking the time to read this….

Das Kitty

OP, I think you need to talk to someone impartial, opening it up to an internet forum where various people have their own agenda is probably going to end up being counter-productive

I can point you in the direction of Positive Options www.positiveoptions.ie.

They will be able to give you some guidance as to your options.

Hannibal Smith

Hi Beamer Queen....I've never been a single parent, so i don't really know what support or advice to offer in relation to it. I know the maximum maternity benefit is E280...well that's what it used to be. Children's allowance I think is about E140 a month, but after that I don't know what your entitlements are.

Have you thought of contacting Positive Options, or Cura or one of those types of places where you can get as much practical information as you can?

LegacyUser

The mods may move this to a more suitable position OP.
I have been in your situation and I'd like to tell you my story.
When I got pregnant, I was on about the same salary as you - I was in a relationship but my partner decided he did not want to be involved (this was 11years ago). I went ahead and had my daughter, despite the fact that I had very little support or money. Hand on heart, it was very, very difficult in the early years. I cried buckets for the first 12 months at the desperation I was feeling - I felt so alone. My daughter was not a great sleeper, so sleep deprivation was a major factor for me. Gradually, as she got older, things got easier. My maternity leave payments covered us financially - I was able to get back to work when she was about 2 and put her in a community creche (the costs of these are minimal compared to the extortionate costs you hear associated with private creches). And 11 years on, I can honestly say I would be lost without my daughter. Despite the stress and tears over the years, I would not know what to do without her. I love her with every fibre of my being and never once regretted my decision to go ahead and have her, although I knew I would be parenting alone.

Two years after she was born, I (foolishly) got pregnant for my ex again. This time, I knew I had no choice but to have a termination. I could not have survived parenting alone with 2 children, as I was hanging on by the tips of my fingers with one baby at the time. So I 'got the boat'.

I have never, ever regretted that decision either. I know that I would either have ended up in a psychiatric unit, or my daughter would be in care now, had I gone through with that pregnancy.

You often hear of the women who suffer depression after terminations etc - but you seldom hear of women like me - those who never regret the decision, knowing it was the right decision for them at the time.

I tell you all of this OP to advise that WHATEVER your decision, you will survive it, you will be ok. Take care of yourself.

Beamer Queen

I should have mentioned I spoke to a counsellor at a family planning clinic and the lady was extremely nice and gave me info on abortion and having a baby. I couldn’t follow a lot of the information once I took it home and read through it. After speaking to her that’s what made my decision to tell my casual partner and be honest with him about the one night stand. Im still lost! Im not even swaying to one option im stuck in the middle. I tried to make a list of pro’s and con’s for both but end up with stupid comments like negative things like gaining weight which is a ridiculous thing to put down as a negative. I can even see how I could look forward to having a baby if I decided to keep it. Im hoping that an outside option may help but I could also be grasping at straws.

qwertytlk

Hi, obviously i cant tell you what to do here, no one can, but il just share my own experiences with you and give any info i have. First of all, i dont think there is ever a right time tro have a baby... I didnt get a choice in the matter as i didnt find out i was pregnant unntill i was 6months, ands believe me that was scary as i was in college and my partner was out of work so we were literally scraping by. But having my son has been the best thing iv ever done. And like you, i have suffered from depression before so was worried about post natal depression etc, but things are fine in that regard. Im lucky to have a partner who is a brilliant hands on dad, but to be honest, even if he wasnt, i know i would cope because once i look at my beautiful son its all worthwhile. As far as baby expenses go, its more expensive preparing for baby than anything, but if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, the good thing is you are at the very early stages so have a long time to but bits a pieces and prepare. At 3 months old, my son costs me approx 30euro per week-thats for nappies, formula etc. If you do go ahead with the termination there are lots of support services and counselling available. You still have time, so weigh up all your options and really think about it. Best of luck with whatever you decide. P.s just read what you wrote about gaining weight, and i was so worried about that too, but it doesnt happen to everyone...iv lost most of my baby weight already. Anyway, you wont care abbout that if you have the baby, trust me nothing like that matters anymore and thats a big thing for me to say as before i had my son i was VERY body concious!

LegacyUser

I had an unplanned pregnancy when I was a bit younger than you. I was in a fairly new relationship and had no idea where it was going. Like you, my partner was very supportive, but I knew whatever decision had to be made was really up to me. I was fairly sure that the relationship was not one that would last forever (although we did end up staying together for years) and eventually I decided to have an abortion.

My decision wasn't based on money or the relationship. I knew I wanted to have children at some point in my life, but coming from a very loving family I knew that when I did finally have kids, I wanted it to be with someone who was special to me, who I wanted to be with forever, and that I wanted those kids to be conceived deliberately and with love. I think if my then partner had been the right person, we would have gone for it, regardless of the fact that we hadn't much money or stability.

I travelled to the UK, was home 2 days later and that was it. I never got any counselling or anything. I never needed it. I felt relief. There was no trauma, no depression. But that was the right decision for me. It's not just that the time wasn't right - the man wasn't right, I wasn't right. It was also very early in the pregnancy so I didn't feel any guilt. I felt (and still feel) a certain amount of, I don't know, not sadness exactly, maybe curiosity, about what that child would have been like, how old it would be now etc, but it's not something I think about everyday or that troubles me in any way. Maybe that would be different if I had never met the right person or gone on to have children of my own, but I have done those things and am very happy with my life. And it would never have worked out this way if I had continued with the pregnancy.

My only advice to you is find a counsellor through the positive options website - DON'T go to Cura - and talk about all of your worries. This is not a decision to be made about money, it is a decision about whether or not you want to bring a new life into the world right now. Maybe get the advice of a mental health professional as well. Terminating the pregnancy might cause depression, but so might continuing the pregnancy if it is not for the right reasons. Discussing this with a trained, impartial counsellor will help you identify your fears and help you see what is right for you. Good luck with it.

Moonbeam

Start with the positives.

You are not young
You have a job
You have support

Babies are not that expensive, our biggest expense is childcare.

Please do not make your decision purely based on finance but what you want and if you deicide to have the baby but realise it is not what you want there is fostercare and adoption.

Please talk to a pregnancy councilor.

Good luck with your decision which ever one you make.

irishgal2012

Hi Beamer,

I have no experience of being pregnant so cant really comment on what you're going through. I know if I had got pregnant for my ex I'd prob have had the same dilemma though. I just wanted to say dont base your decision on finances alone-my husband and I are currently trying for a baby and if we were to think like that we'd never go for it. It scares me to death to think of how we'll get by if and when a baby arrives but it scares me even more to think of never having children. You'll find a way to provide for the child-if thats what you decide to do, but if its not right for you right now thats something only you can decide.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

qwertytlk

keespostma wrote: »

snipped quoted deleted post

sorry i dont think a guilt trip is going to help this girl make her decision. And thats exactley what it is -her decision.

keespostma

snipped

Moonbeam

*mod note*

Please only impart advice and do not give guilt trips or advice based on religious beliefs.
The op is looknig for advice not a lecture.

keespostma

Well- from a parent point of view I would give the same advice.

Orion

keespostma: Keep your religious beliefs to yourself. The OP asked very specific questions about costs and other options. She quite specifically stated that she did not want a debate about what’s wrong and right. No more proselytising please or you will earn a vacation from this forum.

JDD

OP, this is a tough decision to make alright, and you should give yourself a little bit of time to mull over your final decision.

The first question you should ask yourself really is whether you have any moral qualms about abortion. What has always been your stance? Has that changed under the current circumstances? I've known some people to be pro-choice all their lives but change their minds once they became pregnant. I've also known some to have had a moral stance against abortion, but have reconsidered their position once they were faced with an unplanned pregnancy.

If you have previously been against abortion but are considering it now out of panic or fear, I would be worried that you would regret your decision and the matter would play on your mind for many years to come. If you don't have an particular moral issues with abortion (having said that, no woman would take the decision lightly) then the chances of you being comfortable in your decision for years to come is easier.

So, assuming you don't have any particular strong moral problems with abortion, you then have to really think about how this pregnancy, and ultimately baby, is going to affect your life. Finance is usually the first concern, though not necessarily the most important. Baby costs can vary a lot, depending on your circumstances. I'm pregnant at the moment will be budgeting around €100-150 a month for baby essentials such as nappies, toiletries, clothes and medical expenses. There is an initial outlay when you have a baby, but really you can get most things second hand for a fraction of the cost of new. I've seen some buggies on adverts.ie for €50.

Your salary is pretty good, and you'll find that you'll be spending less on entertainment etc when you have a baby in tow. The biggest expenditure will be childcare. Full time private creches cost in the region of €1k a month in Dublin. Community creches can be a lot cheaper but are on a needs-first basis. If you are a single parent on a low income you'll be prioritised. Your parents may be willing to help you out with looking after the child a couple of days a week?

If you are worried about your mental health, be aware that you will also be more susceptible to post-natal depression. That's something to also take into account.

Abortion doesn't have the same effect on everyone. It depend on how comfortable you are with the decision before you go ahead with it. I have two friends who had children unplanned when they were younger than you. Both of them love their children, but in one case, if I'm to be particularly honest, I feel that the mother would have been in a better situation now if she hadn't had her child. She wasn't at all ready to be a mother, and really the grandmother did (and still does) the lions share of the upbringing. I also have another friend who had an abortion when she was younger than you. She has no regrets, and is now happily married with a good career. Having said that, she is a very pragmatic and unemotional person, and she is still unsure as to whether she wants children at all which may play a part in the fact that she is comfortable with the decision she made at the time.

You should also consider how your relationships might change? Will your parents support your decision to have a child? Will they be able to help you either financially or with their time? Inevitably, you will be spending more time with your casual partner should he choose to stand by you. Is this something you want? Could it in fact be the making of the pair of you? Would you want him to be in your life permanently? How about your friends? Bear in mind that although you might be the first to have a child, you are 26 and therefore your friends mightn't be too far behind you in having their own children.

You'll never be 100% about either decision, but as long as your about 70% the way there that's the most you can hope for.

sonandheir

Tough decision to make,i am 26 too,i have a 6month old daughter and honestly its hard work but so worth it,i have just gone back to work part time as i am lucky enough to have parents to help with minding her the other days,would your parents be able to help you out?maternity benefit is max E280 and child benefit every month is E140,once you have the basics (buggy,cot,clothes,bottles,etc)it usually costs me about E30 a week with nappies and formula,things some how have a way of working out.whatever your decision is i wish you the very best