Friday Funnies

MonkieSocks

My mum puts the cat out in the garden when it brings dead birds home.

But when I do it she phones the police.
_________________________________

Met a girl on a dating website and we went out on our first date to the seaside.

She was horrified when I whipped my dick out on the shore and started ****.

Apparently she thought "long **** on the beach" was a typo.
_________________________________


Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.

She said, "If you help me find it I will let you fook my fanny all night."

I said, "What does it look like?"

She said, "It's a big, black, fluffy thing."

I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a miss."
_________________________________

Whenever I get a dead leg, I also get an erection.

That's necrophilia for you.
_________________________________


Pluck out eyebrows.

Draw them back on.

Woman logic!
_________________________________

I think my dad might have finally cottoned on that I'm a big gayer.

Over breakfast this morning he put down his paper and asked suspiciously:

'What do you know about rugby?'

I replied: 'Oooh, its a lovely little market town in Warwickshire with an absolutely fabulous flower festival every May Day bank holiday.'
_________________________________

Vagisil - Proud Sponsors of Jedward.

The cream for irritating twats....
_________________________________

They say nothing lasts forever...

Try **** over Susan Boyle.
_________________________________





*WARNING*


If you see an email saying, "2 free tickets to Jedward",

DO NOT open it!

It contains 2 free tickets to Jedward!

chucknorris

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Met a girl on a dating website and we went out on our first date to the seaside.

She was horrified when I whipped my dick out on the shore and started ****.

Apparently she thought "long **** on the beach" was a typo.

YEEEESSSSSS

roast

Had a good lol at the susan boyle one. ;D