Missing my Dad

ShaShaBear

I don't mean to bump an old thread, but I had a bit of an episode last night (the first in a long time) and I found myself coming back here to read posts. Myself and my boyfriend were watching a film where the main character's father dies, and just out of nowhere I completely broke down. I don't think I've ever cried so hard. And now I just can't get it out of my head.

My mother is still at the same old, trying to make me stumble when she knows I'm doing well - she sends me pictures of the grave every now and again and she's taken to showing me recent pictures before he died and claiming he looked sick.

I'm still a wreck since last night, the crying hasn't stopped, and people who hadn't seen me all Summer were almost afraid of me today in college (the only good news is that I managed to pass my exams first time around).

My boyfriend's brought up the topic of marriage a few times now, and I cringe every time I think about it. Whether I make the choice to walk that aisle alone, or find someone to replace Dad in the role, it will be so blindingly obvious he isn't there.

My birthday is in two months, the first without my dad, then Christmas too. I really don't know how I'm going to cope!

Thanks everyone for listening.

Maple

OP, I've given you your own thread here.

I'm so very sorry for your loss and hope that you might find comfort soon.

Maple

ShaShaBear

~Thank you Maple, but the thread I bumped was actually mine, just under a guest account

Thank you for the kind words.

LegacyUser

I lost my dad recently too OP (six months ago). I miss him terribly.
Each day gets better though. He is always alive in you xxx

the little trucker

Hi ShaShaBear. my dad died when I was 17 years old. I am now 37. I was all set to become an electrician just like him and work with him till we were both old men. For about two years after his death I carried on somewhat with a normal happy go lucky / easy going look on life...

we obviously do not know one another so i would never give you advice, i could never tell you what you should do, i can only tell you how i cope now.

I found it quite easy at the start, that might surprise you to read that. I had to reconsider what job I wanted to do (no boom back then). i had no real direction and as time went on I was getting more and more down about things.

I lost my confidence. stopped playing sport, hardly went out and stayed in bed for days at a time. And never related it to my dad dying, how weird is that to read. I never stopped thinking about him but didn't realise the mess I was in was all down to his death.

Eventually I got a short term job with a mate which has lead me to the career I have now. His confidence and personality rubbed of on me and we worked really long hours together almost 7 days a week. It got me out of the rut I had got into.

you ask how are you going to cope?

I ask myself that too, everyday. Still to this day. I have a simple rule now.

When I find myself in fits of laughter, I don't feel guilty any more.
When i find myself a bit down, I don't really fight it. But I now recognise why I feel down. I can think about him for ages one day, and the next maybe for only a few seconds. But I do think of him everyday, just like i think of my mam, or my wife.

My wedding was hard, but I had the best day ever. After all, I was marrying a wonderful beautiful woman. ( beautiful in every sense of the word). It was hard to see my mam there without her husband. But she had a great day too. I had a pint on my own, but I didn't feel like i was on my own.i didn't weigh up my sadness for my dad not being there against the happiness I felt about the day, When I felt sad i felt sad, and when I was laughing and dancing I felt really happy. All in one day, like any day I suppose.

I have always loved Christmas and still do. And yes, they have never been the same, but they are still good. Being a bald man i shave my head and normally get a years supply of shaving foam , it gets funnier every year.

I suppose you will find your own way of coping, but right now i am guessing you have not got a clue what that is. if it is crying then so be it, working harder than ever or studying so be it. Right now i don't try forcing coping, I just go with how i feel.

Does it get easier as time goes on. Well for me it has. the fact that he has died is no more easier to accept, i miss him more today than i did day one, but how I cope is a lot better. I do a job that involves me standing up and giving presentations, years ago I would never have stood up, never mind present a slide show. But my everyday is easier, and i don't feel guilty about that.

I hope you you find your way of coping sooner than later. I hope I do not upset you any more than you were before reading this.

ShaShaBear

Thank you, it's so hard to relate what I'm going through to what every other adult has to face at some stage. Things are fine most of the time, I think people reckon that's when I've forgotten he's gone, but I'd never forget that. The busier I am, the better I feel, and I find that in a crowd or public place I can talk about my dad and smile, but if I narrow it down to myself and my boyfriend or a close friend at home, I find it very hard to fight emotions. I know it never gets easier, just easier to accept, but venting does help

Gingersnaps

OP. I'm really sorry for your loss. I can feel your pain in your words. I hope time eases that pain for you soon.

LegacyUser

My father died years before i got married and yet the wedding day was tough. we made a point of making sure that some of the flowers from the church were taken to his grave. I got a spare flower similiar to the one I had on my jacket and I put it on his grave myself the day after the wedding and i made sure he was included in the prayers that day. all the above helped but it was no substitute to him being there

your mother is greiving and though her showing you pictures is not helping you its all she has. maybe she feels looking at these photos will stop you all forgetting him. I'm not saying you would forget him, hell my fathers birthday was yesterday, he's been dead 13 years and i cried my eyes out looking at pictures. but ever day it will get a little bit easier

christmas will be tough on everyone, it always will be but with family and friends you will get through it.