The Times, Ban all dogs (skit)

wolfpawnat

Saw it and thought it was worth the laugh

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/giles_coren/article5728143.ece

Enough whining. Ban all stinking dogs. Now
Man's best friends are no such thing. They are brutal, dirty and a primitive throwback to the days of bearbaiting
Giles Coren
The death of Jaden Joseph Mack, mauled to death by two domestic dogs in his grandmother's home near Caerphilly last Saturday, caused a ripple of anxiety in some quarters, muted calls for stricter licensing of dangerous breeds, and that was about it. Move along now. Nothing to see here.

Nothing, except a human infant shredded to burger meat by domestic pets. My God, the fuss they made over Baby P. Over Maddie. Over Sarah Payne. Over James Bulger. When the boneheaded popular press can use a toddler's death to hammer such traditional bogeymen as paedophiles, social workers, “evil” young boys and invisible foreign ne'er-do-wells, it goes at it with a drooling, wide-eyed, sociopathic bloodlust, calling for hangings, sackings and ridiculous legislative upheavals. But when it's done by a Staffordshire bull terrier, the very breed of dog most likely to have been tied up outside the shop while its owner goes in to buy a “red top” tabloid, they have nothing to say.

And government is no better, to be honest. It is astonishing to think that when a fox is torn apart by dogs in a cold field on a foggy morning, Parliament devotes 700 hours of debate to stamping it out. But when a human child is torn apart by dogs in his or her nan's front room (it's always the grandmother - usually not much more than 30 herself), Parliament does nothing. Nothing.

Now, I'm never going to stop the right-wing media from wildly overreacting to child deaths as a way to excoriate the same old demons, but I can at least beg them, on my knees, to overreact for once to something I care about. And to call for dogs to be banned. All dogs. Now.

Anything less - outlawing breeds, renovating the licensing system, muzzling potential offenders - simply won't work. And the 1991 Dangerous Dogs Act is, I am afraid, bunkum. It is concerned primarily with a lot of mealy-mouthed exceptions and exemptions that make it impossible to prosecute owners unless they are caught on camera with a Japanese tosa, deliberately feeding it live toddlers in front of a policeman and six witnesses.

The Act specifies breeds only ambiguously, and does not even cover Staffordshire bull terriers - the chosen legal street weapon of every pock-faced teenage stabber and crack-dealing hoody in the land - which were implicated not only in the killing of Jaden, but in the savaging of 22-month-old Kira Neal in Bournemouth on August 3, 2007, and of two-year-old Paige Allison in Blackburn on April 27 of the same year, and of two-year-old Joseph Johnson outside a fish and chip shop in Hull on September 17, 2008.

Not that a ban on “Staffies” would have helped 13-month-old Archie-Lee Hirst, slaughtered by a rottweiler at his grandparents' home in Chald Lane, Wakefield, the day after Boxing Day, 2007.

They've got to go. Dogs have just got to go. All dogs. Just to be safe. I'm not saying a spaniel represents a mortal danger to toddlers (indeed, if you shoot a toddler yourself then your spaniel will merely go over and point at it, and then your golden retriever will bring it back, and your dalmatian will bury it and then forget where it left it) but the problem is that owners will always get round breed-specific laws by crossing their murderous animals with others, as a disguise.

Germany, where the import of staffies is illegal, has shown us some of the way, and Israel has gone one better, making the breed illegal altogether - and I doubt there are many who flout that little law. You don't go breeding dogs to scare your neighbours when you know that one false snarl and a helicopter gunship's going to whoop into view, flatten your house, your nan's house and your local school, and then blame it on the dog.

And don't think for a minute that I would consider such a response disproportionate. I hate dogs. I am currently in the process of moving house purely and simply because my beautiful, leafy Camden street is the most turd-bespaffed thoroughfare in England. This is because I live down the road from a housing estate surveyed by CCTV cameras where the inhabitants know that if they let their little fighting dog uncurl a bronze they will be filmed and fined. So they come down the nice, middle-class streets purely to unload faeces. It seems almost a matter of honour.

These dogs get walked each day only for as long as it takes to smoke two Royals and gob a greeny at a tree. They don't even get as far as Hampstead Heath, only two minutes up the road (or perhaps they choose not to go there - the bien pensant middle classes with their wellies and labs having made of the Heath such a stinking dog toilet you'd be mad to cross it without an anthrax suit).

Every morning, on my three-minute stroll to buy a paper, I encounter at least three brand new turds, on my side of the street alone, glistening in the sun. When the snow was falling, and the street-cleaning guy couldn't get through, there were layers of turd interleaved with the layers of frozen snow like some terrible millefeuille of merde. And the thaw brought hourly uncoverings of newly revealed hound crap, kept fresh by the sub-zero temperatures, the goodness sealed in, the scent released gradually over the days.

Kill all the dogs. Kill all of them. I'll do it if you can't face it, and toss the rigid corpses on the fatty flames with a pitchfork.

For most of human history, dogs were needed. We bred them to do jobs we couldn't, or didn't want to do ourselves. And now we have machines. And don't bait bears. The keeping of dogs is a primitive throwback to a state of nature that was nasty, brutish and poo-smelling. It has no relevance now. We must grow out of dogs just as we grew out of horses (which was not, as many think, because we invented the car, but because we invented synthetic glue).

And please, don't come to me with dogs as companions for the lonely. Ye gods, has society sunk so low that we must leave it to stinking mutts to solace the old, the forgotten and the lost?

Some dogs may be innocent of killing. But all are guilty of crapping. When we were young, and one kid wouldn't own up to his crime, they kept the whole class in after school, regardless of individual guilt. My plan is like that, only with dogs. Except then you kill them.

I have felt this for a long time but always kept quiet out of respect for my many dog-owning friends. But the story of Jaden's death was so awful, so grim and primal and nightmarish - like a modern Little Red Riding Hood where the gran survives at the expense of the child - that I cannot tolerate delay.

And yet it will never happen. And poor Jaden will be forgotten. His little face will never stare up at you from the newspaper rack, above a headline telling you that the campaign starts here, and that he didn't die in vain.

And that is because unlike paedos and lefty social workers, dogs, through their feckless, simpering owners, really do rule the world.