Unemployed father-to-be

jam and toast

Hi all. My wife and I are expecting our first baby next May, just 8 weeks gone at this stage. I'm currently unemployed, and my wife works part-time. I've just re-applied for the dole (I was on for a short time last year), something that I'm not particularly happy about, but I need the money. I'm really hoping not to still be on the dole when the baby arrives, but I realise it's a possibility

It's not really the money situation that I'm worried about - I know people have gotten by with a lot less, and we're both quite used to living frugally, having lived abroad for a while without a decent income. It's more the psychological factor that's troubling me...

Pretty much anyone who's been on the dole will tell you that it's not a nice situation to be in. The whole process makes you feel like crap, frankly. I end up feeling really depressed anytime I have to visit the social welfare office, and the added stress of expecting a baby just gets me down even worse.

I also feel really guilty about my wife being the only breadwinner in the household. I'm not being 'macho' - it's not the fact that she's a working woman and I'm unemployed, it's that she's pregnant and I'd love for her to able not to have to work to pay the rent. If she was working purely because she wanted to then I'd have no problem, but it's a part-time job that's not really relevant to her career and she's only really doing it for the money.

I know it's early days yet, but it's still playing on my mind a lot. I want to be able to help and support my wife as much as I can, but I don't feel like I can provide this support at the moment. My wife and I are very close and we'd always talk to each other about the problems we're each facing, but I feel like I can't talk to her about this as I don't want to worry her any more than she is already. How am I meant to be strong and supportive when I feel so weak and useless?

I'm sorry for gushing. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else out there is having the same problems? I know this should be a time of happiness and excitement - I am excited, but it's harder than I thought it would be

Abi

Hi J&T -You have yourself in a bit of a fluster over all of this, though I know how it feels to be out of work. Keep looking for work, but the best thing you can do is get all the financial support you can from the SW and the health board (medical cards etc). I know it's a bit soul-destroying, but by doing all of this you are providing your family with some sort of security until you get work.

It's okay to talk to your wife about this, what you're feeling now is normal, and there are many men (and women) out of work and feeling the same way as you do. I know ideally you'd like your wife to be at home, but have you asked her how she feels about continuing working? It's only a part-time job, I'm sure she appreciates the chance to get out of the house


Have you considered doing a course or something? It doesn't necessarily have to be linked to your line of work, perhaps more of a hobby / interest type of course. It helps to have something to focus on when you're not working. In the coming months you can use your spare time to make changes around the home and gather bits and pieces with your wife for the baby.

Take one day at a time OP, and try not to get into a fluster about things. Don't hide how you feel from your wife, as problems are best tackled as a team. I'd imagine she knows how you feel, so just talk to her about it. You're going to make a great Dad, congratulations and best of luck to you and your wife

Hobbitfeet

Congratulations firstly I know what you are going through. I am due my first baby end of January and up until last week I was the one working and my partner was unemployed he actually was made redundant 3 weeks after we found out we were expecting and I wasn't working at the time either. It was a very scary time. I managed to get a childcare job the next week and have been doing that since.

Although my partner had not said anything to me about feeling bad I was the one bringing in the money and working while pregnant I knew it was affecting him. It's a difficult situation for a man to be in. I spoke to him about it and it did put his mind to rest a bit but as weeks went by and I got bigger and more tired it hit him hard. Thankfully we have a strong relationship and can talk openly about things I think he would have become seriously depressed if we had not been able to talk about his feelings and I was supporting and reassuring him that things would be fine and he would find work soon. You should talk to your wife about your feelings I'm sure she has some idea you might be feeling like this.

Thankfully my partner started a full time job last week and I will be stopping work some time soon. You will find something don't give up hope.
Best of luck to both of you

caprilicious

J&T I can't give advise really as I haven't been in the same situation.
One thing I would say is its a good 7+ months before your little one arrives, hopefully that'll be long enough for you to find something.

And even if you don't, your partner might just find it a God send having you home to share night feeds and having an extra pair of hands at home with baby.

I do agree with Abi, a course in the mean time would be a good idea. If nothing it'd give you a bit of structure in your week and can only look good on your CV.

I also agree with Hobbitfeet that you should talk to your wife. She may already notice that you're stressed, but by not opening up to her she may feel closed out.

Fingers crossed something will come up for you soon.

Congrats to you and your partner

jam and toast

Hi all. Huge thanks everyone for your kind comments, it really is nice to hear from other people who have been in similar situations. I had a talk with my wife about how I was feeling and that helped a lot. I'm feeling a lot better about the situation now, though it's still tough sometimes.

Thanks again

collegeme

I am currently 38weeks and finished up full time work two weeks ago (finished a little early due to professional exams).

My partner is currently unemployed and while he has never mentioned it, i do have a feeling that he has felt a bit bad for me working Full-Time while he is at home.

I just see it like this... we are all equals and it's not as if it's anyones choice the way things are with the economy at the moment. He has been great helping around the house(most of the time ). I am also a little happy that when babs finally makes an appearance i will have him for support as i found it quite tough last time around when he was working Full Time. Also on my last pregnancy we were both working FT and it was left to me to do the shopping, cleaning & washing...now i have his full co-operation:D

This time he will be able to help out with night feeds etc and not have to be shattered heading to work on dangerous machinery.

I really wouldn't worry about it too much......it was much harder on me last time

stoneill

JandT - This is your first child.

I tell you now - once the baby arrives, there is an epiphany moment.
Things you once thought were vitally important will recede into frivolity, things that you would never have considered worth thinking about become the most precious things ever.
All things will gain a new perspective - suddenly your eyes and mind open to what is truly important. Congrats and enjoy, spend as much time as possible with your new family, those things are precious,

jclally

What are you looking for work wise? I know people who will take any job within reason who have been employed reasonably quickly. I also know people who will only consider jobs that they did for years previously, some of whom are out of work for 2-3 years.
If you're open minded I'm sure you will have something in 8 months