8yr old in my bed?

LegacyUser

My 8yr old boy still sleeps in my bed and i dont know wat to do. I have a younger child, who sleeps happily in his own room, but my eldest just will not sleep in there. I know its my fault, I know im too soft on him and ive read stuff that he needs to emotionally detach from me as he gets older - by which i assume they mean he should well be in his own room. Life is difficult for us at the moment (i dont want to go into that here) and the thoughts of the battle i would face trying to get him back into his own room is too much for me. Every few months, I try and try but after a few nights of his tears, i give in.

But my question here isnt really how to stop this happening - it's what damage am I doing him? What will happen to hiim as he gets older if he was a child who slept in with his mother until he was say 10 (I know he wont want to stay in my bed for much longer after that age). Am I really doing him damage by allowing him to go to my bed each night, while he has a perfectly lovely bedroom of his own? Will he be a dysfunctional adult?

Are there any statistics to back up the fact that he might be emotionally immature as an adult because he slept in my bed until he was older than most kids?

Justask

IMO your not doing any damage apart from YOUR sleep patten.

I know someone who went though this and she decided that she would let her child sleep in her bed so she went and slept in his!! After a week he was in his own bed cos his mum wasnt in her bed but his!
Read that back and its confusing.

username123

sleeplessnights wrote: »

What will happen to hiim as he gets older if he was a child who slept in with his mother until he was say 10 (I know he wont want to stay in my bed for much longer after that age). Am I really doing him damage by allowing him to go to my bed each night, while he has a perfectly lovely bedroom of his own? Will he be a dysfunctional adult?

Are there any statistics to back up the fact that he might be emotionally immature as an adult because he slept in my bed until he was older than most kids?

Insofar as doing damage to him goes, Id be concerned that it gets out in school either through some dropped comment from your son or your other child - the bullying could be merciless on something like that.

Beyond that - Id really be thinking in terms of what impact does it have on a child not to set boundaries, and Id also wonder about the possible impact on his sexual development later on? Ive absolutely no scientific knowledge of these things, perhaps you could google for articles/literature on it.

The boundary setting is important though because if boundaries are not set on something as inherently private as someones sleep space, then is that teaching him that its ok to not establish boundaries between mother and son on other issues? Im asking - not telling.

Id also question why you allow it. If you wished to have adult male company in the bed where does your son go? If the answer to this is that you would either engage in such activities elsewhere or you simply dont at all - then I wonder if your son is filling an emotional void for you? Again - Im asking - not telling.

Justask

username123 wrote: »

Id also question why you allow it. If you wished to have adult male company in the bed where does your son go? If the answer to this is that you would either engage in such activities elsewhere or you simply dont at all - then I wonder if your son is filling an emotional void for you? Again - Im asking - not telling.

Do you not think it is bizzare that you would think or ask this question?
Maybe im being naive but I find this very odd

Its an 8 year old little boy

username123

Justask wrote: »

Do you not think it is bizzare that you would think or ask this question?
Maybe im being naive but I find this very odd

Its an 8 year old little boy

I would hardly have asked it if I thought it was bizarre!!!

Perhaps you are taking me up wrong - I do not mean that the ladies son is providing some kind of adult company, I mean that perhaps, because its nice and comforting to have someone to snuggle in bed, in the absence of an adult partner, perhaps the mother is getting this kind of emotional boost from having her son there - simply, a warm comforting person in bed.

Clearly the lady in question is not that old - if her son is 8 - so it would be natural and healthy for her to enjoy adult male company in bed herself from time to time - if her son is always in her bed, then its possible that she denies herself this company(so as not to upset her son), which has an emotionally fulfilling aspect as well as a sexually fulfilling aspect. Denying oneself a normal sex life so as not to upset a child is not healthy.

I would have thought that it was quite an obvious question to ask of an adult woman who chooses to have her child sleep in her bed every night.

I certainly did not mean any offence, but I think its important the OP explores why SHE allows the situation to continue.

Justask

The OP has stated that the family have gone through a tough time. approching the whys maybe are best left until the family are in a better place.

Have you kids never slept in your bed?? Even on a Sunday morning to watch TV or have a chat?

username123

Justask wrote: »

Even on a Sunday morning to watch TV or have a chat?

Thats totally different to children sleeping the entire night in the parents bed every night.

Im not criticising the OP btw - just offering some thoughts on her post.

Ayla

OP - As far as stats go I have none (would find it hard to believe that such stats would even exist). That said, I know many families (in fact, most of the families with which I am friendly) who have coslept/had a family bed with their children until their children decide otherwise. And I can assure you that all the children wound up being well rounded and very happily independent adults.

The theory behind this being that humans - as the basic animals we are - have an innate desire to be close to other humans. It's artificial and unnatural to force seperate sleeping arrangements (even though it does have its benefits ) Just think of all the societies throughout the world who share living quarters & beds...do you think those children can't function as "normal" adults?

If your family is going through a rough time right now, perhaps your son really just needs that extra comfort through the night. My suggestion would be to go with it, just relax about the entire thing, and when your son is ready he will move on. In the meantime, he (and possibly you!) are benefitting from some human company.

Ayla

username123 wrote: »

...Id really be thinking in terms of what impact does it have on a child not to set boundaries, and Id also wonder about the possible impact on his sexual development later on?...The boundary setting is important though because if boundaries are not set on something as inherently private as someones sleep space, then is that teaching him that its ok to not establish boundaries between mother and son on other issues? Im asking - not telling.

Again, out of the experiences I've learned of through my network, neither of these concerns are actually concerns. The whole premise being that if the child knows that they can trust the family unit (on a biological/psycological level) then they are more confident & independent themselves.

The modern definition of boundaries is result of modern society, but does not take into account individual needs at particular times of life. 8 yrs old is a fragile time - despite what modern society wants us to think - 8 yr olds are still young children. They sometimes need additional support & reassurance from the family unit, and if the OP's son is looking for this through staying in Mom's bed during the night, then what's the harm?

LegacyUser

thank u all for your comments. I dont use this site much, so dont know how to do the quote, so Ill just refer to points rather than copying and pasting them.

username123 - I am very aware that I, on some subconscious level, am using my boy as a comfort blanket. I know that I dearly love cuddling him in the mornings - the smile he brings to my face when he wakes - the joy i feel when he wakes me during the night for a cuddle. I know all of this and I am, on some level, conscious that allowing him continue to sleep with me, as much a comfort for me as it is for him. I know you were in no way critising and the questions you asked, were questions i have asked myself manytimes.

that being said - there is a nigglin doubt in the back of my mind that makes me think i am stunting his growth on some level. But try as i might, i cannot find anythin to back up my thoughts .

My other son is much more independent of me - he has been since birth. They are very different children. I want to point out however that he is quite independent in his day to day life - he has many friends, has sleepovers regularly and would go off with relatives/friends for a day trip without a second glance back at me.

username123

Ayla wrote: »

They sometimes need additional support & reassurance from the family unit, and if the OP's son is looking for this through staying in Mom's bed during the night, then what's the harm?

I dont disagree with this but biologically speaking, many boys begin to masturbate around 10 or 11 years of age, some even at 9 - so I would think its more appropriate for the young man to be in his own bed by then to allow this to develop naturally.

I also believe that while reassurance is important and very necessary, establishing boundaries is hugely important, as is instilling self confidence.

The OP herself said that she knows she is too soft on him and has read up on allowing a child to emotionally detach - clearly she is becoming uncomfortable/worried about the situation.

Her son is currently older than the age limit for children in most gym/swimming pool changing rooms of the opposite sex. We do live in modern society and it would probably be a good idea for the OP to begin to give her son more independance at 8 years of age.

deisemum

I'd be concerned that this could get out in school or amongst his friends because if it does then I reckon he runs a very high risk of at the very least being teased to bits or worse bullied and not let forget about it.

OP would he sleep with his brother or have you tried that already?

Ayla

username123 wrote: »

The OP herself said that she knows she is too soft on him and has read up on allowing a child to emotionally detach - clearly she is becoming uncomfortable/worried about the situation.

I'm not trying to be disagreeable here either, but I think a lot of people get wrapped up too much in what society/others think should be happening instead of listening to what actually is happening. It's unclear from the OP whether she's genuinely uncomfortable with the situation, or if she's just responding to what she thinks her son "should" be doing at this age. As parents we are all guilty of this (ie: how we feed our newborns, at what age we put them in cot, how we educate them, etc etc etc). However, if we let our children lead the way instead of forcing this "us vs them" (parent vs child) scenario then I think nature would take care of the rest.

I personally feel that children will naturally develop their own boundaries that will fit with those of the rest of the family. Forcing anything before they're ready will only cause resistance and heartache. Clearly since the OP's son cries for nights on end when forced into his own bed he's not ready/wanting to be there. Who's to say that - if as username123 mentioned - the child starts masturbating in 1-2 years he won't move of his own accord? Or maybe he'll just naturally grow out of the need for closeness at night. Or maybe he will mention it to a friend and will find out that way that it's time he "moved out." In any case, the day will come (100% certainty on that!) all by itself. Why push the issue now?

Justask

username123 wrote: »

so I would think its more appropriate for the young man .

In no sense can you class an 8 year old little boy as 'A young man'

Out of pure interest how old are your kid/s?

username123

Ayla wrote: »

Forcing anything before they're ready will only cause resistance and heartache.

Do you not think that sometimes things have to be forced for the childs own good?

For example, if a child cries and is heartbroken about going to school - they still have to go to school!!! You cant make parenting decisions based on not upsetting your child - there are times where one has to do the right thing despite it being upsetting for a child. Thats how we learn and grow, by having a responsible adult impose fair boundaries.

username123

Justask wrote: »

In no sense can you class an 8 year old little boy as 'A young man'

You appear to have both taken that out of context (I was actually referring to a male capable of masturbation as a young man) and are being pedantic (I often refer to my nephew of 6 as a young man, just as I refer to my niece of 4 as a young lady).

Justask wrote: »

Out of pure interest how old are your kid/s?

I dont have children - is it somehow a requirement to have an opinion on this thread? How is that relevant to the OP?

Justask

username123 wrote: »

I dont have children - is it somehow a requirement to have an opinion on this thread?

No

Ayla

username123 wrote: »

Do you not think that sometimes things have to be forced for the childs own good?

For example, if a child cries and is heartbroken about going to school - they still have to go to school!!! You cant make parenting decisions based on not upsetting your child - there are times where one has to do the right thing despite it being upsetting for a child. Thats how we learn and grow, by having a responsible adult impose fair boundaries.

Well, I suppose that's what makes me different from a lot of others. I don't believe in forcing a child to do anything. I ask, I explain, I sympathise and I try to see it from their point of view. Children don't react to things out of badness, they do it because there's a genuine concern there. It's my job as a parent to figure out, acknowledge and appreciate that concern. This means that my 4-yr old never has tantrums (but she *is* a good kid ) and it's helping our 2-yr old figure out how to communicate with us even though she doesn't yet speak. My kids have a lot of freedom and independence, but they know that - no matter what - their concerns are the only priority for me.

I don't think forcing a child into anything that goes against their grain creates for them a sense of boundaries & structure...it may ease the situation for the adult but not for the child who can be left feeling more confused & alone then ever.

username123

Justask wrote: »

No

Good.

I take it an objective view is as welcome on the subject matter as an emotionally involved one?

Ickle Magoo

OP, if he's happy and you are happy - I'd leave it as it is and he'll move out in his own time. There is obviously a reason why he wants to share with you and why he gets upset if you try to force him out. Our sleeping arrangements can seem like musical chairs at times but it all sorts itself out eventually, our kids tend to go through stages of wanting to share and wanting their own space - and we don't have the added catalyst of difficult things going on at the moment.

If you really would be happier with him in his own bed, then perhaps wait for a more settled time, then set up a big date to move and some motivation to move as in a sticker chart leading up to a toy he wants or something? You sound very worried in your post but I really think forcing him into a sleeping arrangement he isn't happy with on top of any ongoing family/personal issues that he's unsettled by would do more harm than just letting him stay.

All the best.

Ayla

OP - Another thought:

Have you spoken to your son about this, during the day when you both are feeling fresh & positive? Do you know why he is doing this, and do you know why he's opposed to going into his own room?

username123

Ayla wrote: »

Well, I suppose that's what makes me different from a lot of others. I don't believe in forcing a child to do anything.

Thats very interesting.

What would you do if your child absolutely refused to go to school and it was massive tantrums and crying as a result? (Im asking because a family member had this exact situation with her daughter starting school a few weeks ago and felt awful about 'forcing' the child to go - but obviously - the child had to go to school!!)

CarMe

This is a very interesting thread, I find myself completely torn between both arguements-both have very good points. Thankfully my baby girl is only 15 weeks so I don't yet have to worry about such things.

Good luck OP, don't worry too much he is still very much a little boy.

Ayla

username123 wrote: »

Thats very interesting.

What would you do if your child absolutely refused to go to school and it was massive tantrums and crying as a result? (Im asking because a family member had this exact situation with her daughter starting school a few weeks ago and felt awful about 'forcing' the child to go - but obviously - the child had to go to school!!)

Funny you ask that...never been a problem for us. We home school & our daughter can't get enough of it

But hypothetically, if I was in that situation, I'd let her stay home. Play hooky from work & school. Wouldn't hurt to have some quality time with the child, and will give the opportunity to talk about why the child really doesn't want to go to school. People will make loads of excuses why this couldn't/shouldn't be done, but in my mind it's the only answer.

LegacyUser

I thouht i posted a reply earlier to this, but it doesn't seem to have appeared yet, perhaps there is a delay, if not I'll post it again.

To answer the last question - yes, in the broad light of day i have asked him why he wants to sleep in his mammys bed when he knows he is too old - his reply is that he just loves my cuddles and gets lonely in his own bed.
There are bunk beds in his brothers room - hes on the top - and he hates it as he says he is too close to the ceiling.

The truth is i love having him in my bed and i aree that having him there is fulfillin a subconsious need i have in me. But i am concerned that i am doing him some harm, emotionally. And thats why i posted here.

username123

Ayla wrote: »

Funny you ask that...never been a problem for us. We home school & our daughter can't get enough of it

But hypothetically, if I was in that situation, I'd let her stay home. Play hooky from work & school. Wouldn't hurt to have some quality time with the child, and will give the opportunity to talk about why the child really doesn't want to go to school. People will make loads of excuses why this couldn't/shouldn't be done, but in my mind it's the only answer.

This is getting away from the OP, so I apologise. I was the driver on that day of starting school. Horrendous for child and mother both tbh. Afterwards the mother was very upset and said that she couldnt just keep the child home, because the school authorities would be questioning her if the child wasnt attending school - there is a legal obligation for children to go to school. Home schooling isnt an option in this situation. The mother herself had to get to work.

Ayla

username123 wrote: »

...the school authorities would be questioning her if the child wasnt attending school - there is a legal obligation for children to go to school. Home schooling isnt an option in this situation. The mother herself had to get to work.

Last comment on this, then back to the OP -

You're wrong in your comment above. I can point you to the (very clear) statement in the Irish constitution which defines education & a parent's right to educate at home. Home Ed is 100% legal, and the school authorities have no right to stop any parent wishing to do so. Whether any parent would choose to Home Ed is another decision entirely, but please be sure to read up on your legalities before claiming that home ed is illegal.

Also, I should clarify that when I suggested playing hooky from school/work, I was saying to do so for the day. Not permanently (but that prob wasn't very clear)

Now, back to the OP.

Justask

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

some motivation to move as in a sticker chart leading up to a toy he wants or something? You sound very worried in your post but I really think forcing him into a sleeping arrangement he isn't happy with on top of any ongoing family/personal issues that he's unsettled by would do more harm than just letting him stay.

All the best.

Also a great thing is a Personal CD player with some audio stories. ie Harry Potter have a great one of any of the series. Let him listen to them when hes in his own bed. Amazon do great deals. Just an idea when you and him are both ready.

LegacyUser

Nothing wrong with it at all. He's obviously anxious and wants his mother nearby at night.

It's only these ridiculous western ideas that have children and even very young babies forced to sleep alone.

People do it either
(a) because they feel it's the norm
(b) because it's easier for THEM to sleep, not their children.

Sadly that is the world we live in here.

username123

Ayla wrote: »

Last comment on this, then back to the OP -

You're wrong in your comment above. I can point you to the (very clear) statement in the Irish constitution which defines education & a parent's right to educate at home. Home Ed is 100% legal, and the school authorities have no right to stop any parent wishing to do so. Whether any parent would choose to Home Ed is another decision entirely, but please be sure to read up on your legalities before claiming that home ed is illegal.

Also, I should clarify that when I suggested playing hooky from school/work, I was saying to do so for the day. Not permanently (but that prob wasn't very clear)

Now, back to the OP.

My last comment too - I wasnt for a minute suggesting that Home Ed isnt legal or indeed isnt a good way to educate a child (I think its a great idea btw). What I meant was, given that Home Ed isnt an option for this mother as she has to work, she had enrolled the child in the school and given THAT, the school authorities would be asking questions if the child didnt show up, and was not being Home Educated - not that Home Ed isnt legal - not at all.

I hear you on the hooky for a day, but the way this mother looked at it was, it was only going to delay the inevitable for a day then there would be another morning of upset, plus by allowing hooky, the child would be thinking, all I have to do is go nuts with a tantrum to get out of this so maybe even a bigger tantrum the next day. In the end, the child came home from school that day delighted with it and loves going now!!

Back to the OP.

dee09

I'd say that you should try and get him out of the bed for both yourself and the child. It will be really hard for about 1 week, but follow through and you will get results and will be delighted at the end and you will see that he will be a happier child and also you will get a good nights sleep. If he comes into the room just say bedtime and then bring him back after that when he comes out say nothing and keep doing it, i know it will be really hard but it will all pay off in the end...good luck