8yr old in my bed?

username123

Ayla wrote: »

Funny you say that, b/c all of your recent posts have been hypothetical "for all those out there" questions in the name of academia.

Now, enough of this bickering. Anyone have anything else sensible to say to the OP?

I dont really understand this.

I sensibly say that the OP should do whatever suits her, and now that she has had a thread on it she can she can see that there are different viewpoints in the world.

Ayla

No, don't go back on yourself. From your first post you've been raising cautious (very pc, but definitive) objections based on developing sexuality, bulling, outside perseptions by people outside the family, setting of boundaries, etc.

Now, you can call it debate or academic interest, but the fact remains that you never once told the OP to "do what suited her."

amdublin

Ayla wrote: »

Now, you can call it debate or academic interest, but the fact remains that you never once told the OP to "do what suited her."

Well that wouldn't be very helpful if every time you came on boards for a bit of discussion and input and everyone said that to you.

Op what age do you think you are going to move him into his own bed at?
9? 10? 12? 15?
Or at what point?
eg. Some night when he wants to read instead of sleep and you want to sleep?
Or some night when something sexual happens (eg. Wet dream or masturbation or something?)

Like what is your cutoff?
Then you got to ask yourself are you going to wait for that point? Or a you just going to move him out now?

Justask

OP here my advice and views on this i an nut shell

IMO you are doig you son no harm what so ever, as you hve said you have gone through a tough time. Be good to yourself and your kids and any little thing that makes things run smoothly go for it.

When the time is right for you both to make the change to move him into his own room. Maybe get rid of the bunks, are they ones that come in 2? if so a big double bed for him and his brother. Get a reward chart with little sticker and award them for the night he stays in his bed (after he has go used to his own bed change this chart system to something else, like a chore, cos he will con you :rolleyes:) Get a CD player for him with some stories, Loads and loads of praise when he does sleep in his own bed. Always have a weekend morining that they both get in and chat or watch TV or story etc. My teenager will still lie at the end of my bed for a chat. Never ever make mums bed a wrong plae to be.

You will be both fine, he will soon want his own space and you will start to become 'So uncool :rolleyes:' to be around. cherish very min while they are young. Best of luck to you

username123

Ayla wrote: »

Now, you can call it debate or academic interest, but the fact remains that you never once told the OP to "do what suited her."

I think you'll find that in an earlier post that I said:

username123 wrote: »

Hope you and your young man come to a peaceful resolution that keeps everyone happy.

Despite having a differing opinion, I do not tell people what to post or how to think - as this does:

Ayla wrote: »

No, don't go back on yourself.

Is debate not about exploring all sides and maybe, just maybe, learning something from it?

Or is one viewpoint narrowminded to the point that no alternative nor the reasons for it are allowed to be explored without posters becoming personal and dictacting to others how they can post/think? I cant see that being a healthy way of thinking about things myself.

I dont deviate from my previous opinion, I never told the OP what to do one way or the other, I simply told her, twice now, to do whatever suits/keeps everyone happy. I wouldnt do it. That doesnt mean that I am right. Nor does it mean the OP is right. Its a personal choice but I know the reasons why I wouldnt do it, whereas the OP is asking for reasons why it shouldnt be done.

Im off out of this thread, the narrowminded militancy of some posters is not encouraging to healthy or open discussion.

qwertytlk

Hi op, i dont see anything wrong with this. Maybe if he was a teenager and still wanting to lseep with you then their might be issues..but then again maybe not. I persaonally believe that each family should do what is right for them and their children. And at the momeny this seems to be right for yoyr boy so imo, keep going the way you are as i believe as he gets older and starts to mature and become more independant he will naturally want his own space. One point that i would like to make is this ; if you are single, and you ended up getting into a relationship with a man, and that relationship progressed to a point where your partner was going to stay the night with you, then this could cause problems. The reason im bringing this up is because a friend of mine had her 6yr old daughter sleeping in with her every night for a few years (she was a single parent). She then got into a relationship with a guy and after a while it came to a point where he was coming to stay the night. Long story short the daughhter took this very hard, didnt understand why he could sleep in mammys bed but she couldnt. Now this could be down to the way my friend handeled the situation, im not sure though.Obviously each situation is different but it may be something you want to think about-if it applies to you, i.e if your single.
Also, you mentioned that your son will go off with faamily and friends without you and he does be fine with this, well just wondering does he ever spend the night away from home without you? What are the sleeping arrangements then, does he sleep alone?

Ayla

username123 wrote: »

Or is one viewpoint narrowminded to the point that no alternative nor the reasons for it are allowed to be explored without posters becoming personal and dictacting to others how they can post/think? I cant see that being a healthy way of thinking about things myself...the narrowminded militancy of some posters is not encouraging to healthy or open discussion.

I have deliberately refrained from posting a knee jerk reaction to this post; being accused of being narowminded or militant is not something I take lightly.

First, I would like to clarify that I have never said that your comments or opinions are wrong (other than the HE comment), inappropriate, detrimental to the child's wellbeing or socially tabboo. I respect that you have your own opinions that are well founded in your own upbringing and belief structure. Everyone raises their children differently, and I think whatever works for the family unit is the right thing for them.

When the OP originally asked for advice - not on how to stop the cosleeping, but if there were any stats out there to suggest that doing so would be detrimental to her child's future - I gathered from that that she was content with the cosleeping itself but concerned for its consequences. That was why I posted the only info I have - personal experience and the antecdotal experience of millions of people across the world who coslept & turned out fine. I hoped to show the OP that maybe - just maybe - the niggling concerns in the back of her mind were the result of society and not natural instinct. I think those are all valid arguments to make.

I think this thread turned sour by this (bold/underlining formatting done by me):

bullying could be merciless...what impact does it have on a child not to set boundaries...impact on his sexual development later on...if boundaries are not set on something as inherently private as someones sleep space, then is that teaching him that its ok to not establish boundaries between mother and son on other issues...I wonder if your son is filling an emotional void for you...Denying oneself a normal sex life so as not to upset a child is not healthy...establishing boundaries is hugely important, as is instilling self confidence...would probably be a good idea for the OP to begin to give her son more independance at 8 years of age...Do you not think that sometimes things have to be forced for the childs own good?...Does it not become inappropriate for opposite sex parents/children to sleep together as the child gets older?...What would you think about a father sleeping in the same bed as his 10 year old daughter? And if you dont think thats ok - why would it be less inappropriate for it to be a mam and a son?...Is it not teaching them self reliance? Not to be dependant on mam 24/7...Because when I think about this I think that, with the childs friends, if they knew they would tease or bully the child in question. And I think a lot of adults would question it also...why is there so much of an instinctive reaction - even from the mothers themselves who allow it - that its not right?...allowing this knowing that its fulfilling a subconscious need in you, could be putting your child in an awkward spot whereby the roles are somehow reversing and he has to 'mind' his mam. That couldnt be healthy. Inappropriate over dependance on another person is not good. Id be afraid that generating some type of unhealthy co-dependancy by doing that...I just asked my husband there what he thinks and he was horrified that an 8 year old would be sleeping with his mother. Ive already spoken to various friends over time who moved children to their own room and set boundaries, so I do not know anyone in my own circle who does it....I was merely exploring, from an academic viewpoint, why it could or would raise questions. Im sorry if you didnt understand that post.

You know, it's not what you're saying...it's how. I would support some of the queries you raised, but when you say all of the negativity above, then turn on the charm to finish with such disclaimers such as:

I dont know if its right or wrong, I 'feel' that its not quite right... I can point more at why I think its not right, than why I think it is right - but Id be hard pressed to say its definitely not right - and equally Id be hard pressed to agree with the reasons presented here why it is right.

Just enough so that no one comes at you calling you militant or narrow minded. And yes, I fully enjoy a lively debate as a learning tool, but did you notice that you did an awful lot of asking questions that no one - including yourself - could answer in a way that suited you?

For me anyway, your comments have come across very patronizing (i.e.: "I really feel that jumping off that bridge is the wrong thing to do, but hey, I could be wrong. Good luck to you.") And yes, of course you're fully entitled to contribute to this forum as a non-parent, but it's not fair that you assume your opinions are as qualified as those of us who've done the time; I would never go onto a forum with which I have no experience & start calling the old hands narrow-minded.


Of course none of us know what outcome the OP's son will have by sleeping in his mam's bed. I could be 100% off and maybe things will go completely different to the other families I know. But for the record, at least I was trying to answer the OP's question with something other than academic speculation and hypothetical queries.

amdublin

I could be 100% wrong but I'd 100% wager that if the kids in his school find out he is still in bed with mammy he will get slagged unmercifully.
I'd wager that 8 year olds just don't have the maturity to say "aww you like getting cuddles with mammy, that's nice".

And I imagine this will continue, if he goes to secondary school with the same kids he will always be known as the boy who sleep with his mammy until he was 8 (or older).

I don't have stats but I do anecdoetdly know that bullying affects children in later years.

It's all very well people saying if you both like it then continue. But children like tonnes of things that sometimes the adult has to control eg. Eating chocolate, playing computer games all night, watching tv instead of going outside to play, not wanting to do homework etc etc.

Op IMO you need to be cruel to be kind. Your child may end up being bullied because of this. Do you want that to happen?

So! Do you wait until he comes home crying because another kid found out and deal with it then? Or do you deal with it now?

greengirl31

I have never been a fan of co-sleeping be it babies or older children - That's my personal choice and each to their own is what I say. My little girl was in her own room at 12 weeks and is still there now she's 4. She does have the odd night where she comes in in the middle of the night and I let her in but if it's 4 or 5 nights in a row, I'll bring her back to her own bed. She comes in for a cuddle at the weekend though and I really enjoy that time with her.

But I do think as a child gets older it becomes less acceptable to society - I'm not saying it's right but that's the society WE live in - not the other more remote societies that advocate Co-sleeping but Our society. And I think Amdublin hit the nail on the head - if the OP's classmates were to find out that he was still sleeping with his mummy, the slagging/bullying would be a much bigger issue to deal with and far more long lasting. I think at this stage it would be easier to deal with the sleeping in his own bed issue than have to face years of being know as the boy who sleeps with his mum.

I'm afraid I don't have any practical advice on how to reassure your son about his own bed but I would suggest that the bunk beds should go - I hated them as a child. Good Luck though OP - Hope it all works for you :-)

LegacyUser

Op here tanx for the responses.

My son slept in my bed by default until he was 4/5 as we lived in a small one bedroomed flat, so we had little choice in the matter. I had never heard of 'co-sleeping' until about a month ago - so I wasn't 'doing' that. It was merely the fact that we all had to share the bedroom - while there was room for his cot, there wasnt room for a second bed, so he jumped in with us. We have since gotten a bigger place and it just continued - again, more out of circumstance than choice. I didn't have the cash to do anyting with the boys room at that time and used it as a storage room

For those of you who have talked about bullying - there is no way that any of his school friends will find out that he sleeps with me - my youngest child is not yet in school and none of his friends know where he sleeps. When they have sleepovers, he happily sleeps in the bunks with them...or when he has sleepovers, he happily sleeps in his mates rooms with them. He often tells me he never even misses me (which I love to hear!) when he has sleepovers and other parents have reported that hes never fretted or wanted to come home (I have experience myself of younger children fretting for parents on sleepovers).

I asked him today if he'd think about sleeping in his own room tonight and he said 'I don't think I'm ready yet mam....'...
He's a very social child - he plays gaelic and is in a drama class - he's quite an extrovert in may ways so it's not like this sleeping arrangement seems to be holding him back in other parts of his life.

So just to go back to my original question - there doesn't seem to be any evidence that I'm doing him any damage. He told me today he was getting embarrassed that I leave him to the school gate, (its the first time hes said that) so perhaps this is the start of him detaching from me and moving into his own room will be the next thing...