School Bus bullying

littlemaxi

Hi,
Just looking for others thoughts on what to do.. my son has recently started in 1st year in all boys secondary (nobody from his primary is going to this school)and is on public transport every day for almost an hour every morn & eve.
Theres 2 lads on the bus who, from practically day one have been name calling and annoying him (one 1st year, one 2nd year)
. My lad is first on the bus, and when the other 2 get on at different points along the way they come upstairs and sit behind him, and slag him and irritate him for the rest of the journey.. calling him names such as gay, gayboy, co*k sucker, willy-less etc etc
He has begged me so far not to do anything with regard to contacting school as doesnt want it to get worse... i havent up to now in the hope that things would settle down but theyre not. Eg: days when they havent been on the bus he's commented on the lack of annoyance , also has started an after school activity and also commented on the peaceful journey home.

He is upset now that ive said I have to do something and want to go to school over it. Ive come on here as im a single parent (only child) and so dont have anyone else to bounce this off. Also, never had any problems in primary so this is new to me.
Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do and what was the outcome ?
Thanks

pacquiao

jiu jitsu. and yes I'm serious. He will have a ton of self confidence dealing with these little wimps.

mikemac

Get the lad to the local boxing club or a martial arts club, they are in most every town.
Will do wonders for his confidence.

Bullies look for easy targets and your son has been singled out as one. Being on his own with no gangs of friends doesn't help
So the training will help

The issue is unlikely to settle down and could last for the next year or two. Problems don't just go away

I was that lad at one stage.
And one day lashed out and it sorted a lot of problems.
So yeah, it may take your son giving a few pucks but good for him

People have breaking points and one day they snap. Better to confront the lads then have your son turn all the upset and anger inwards on himself. That's very dangerous

deisemum

This needs to be dealt with and not let go on any longer without intervention of some sort.

It might be worth contacting the bus company/driver to see if he/she has witnessed or heard any of it.

If they have then I think the bus company or driver should either contact the school citing the bullying and also that their behaviour was distracting the driver and could cause a crash and let the school deal with the bullies and that way it will not look like you or your son grassed them up or agree to keep an eye on it and go along with you reporting it to the school and letting the bullies think it was still the bus company/driver who reported it.

Just be prepared in case the school try to fob you off saying it happened outside school so not their responsibility yet they've engaged the bus company. Schools that tend to fob off such things with that cop out are often the most zealous in going ape if a pupil is misbehaving outside school but is wearing the school uniform and bringing the school into disrepute.

Big Bag of Chips

How about suggesting to him that he sits downstairs, near the bus driver for a while?

byhookorbycrook

deisemum wrote: »

Just be prepared in case the school try to fob you off saying it happened outside school so not their responsibility yet they've engaged the bus company. .

Schools do not have any responsibilty for school buses,except where the school has directly hired a bus say for a school trip. Mention it ot the school certainly, but in reality there is nothing they can do.

spurious

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Schools do not have any responsibilty for school buses,except where the school has directly hired a bus say for a school trip. Mention it ot the school certainly, but in reality there is nothing they can do.

In a Dublin Bus situation, our school has got the security DVDs from Dublin Bus and acted on them. We didn't technically have responsibility I suppose, but we knocked it on the head anyway.

It was quite a surprise to many of ours that those cameras record everything and are kept for a while.

up for anything

The school bus driver is the first port of call. If he considers it appropriate he will approach the school. If you don't have his number, ring the school transport section - the number should be on your child's bus ticket (actually the complaint procedure should be on it too or at least on the calendar and info sheet that came with it). You shouldn't have any worries about approaching the driver as they are generally quite good about dealing with trouble. He wouldn't hesitate to call you if your son was being disruptive.

After many years of my kids travelling by school bus I have made those calls and had them made to me. Schools buses can be hotbeds of major and minor bullying. It is early days yet though and your son will probably get used to it.

I know that from my experience the difference between a happy and a miserable school bus is a bus driver who actually likes children/young adults. Most of them are grumpy ****es who are more worried about keeping the bus in perfect nick than what is actually transpiring amongst the kids.

Daisy M

The advice regarding martial arts classes is good but it is more a long term solution than anything and if your son is of a milder personality it may be of no help at all. You need to contact bus eireann as they have policeys to deal with this. Right now your son is confideing in you but tread carefully so that he keeps doing so. Make your initial enquiries without telling him you are doing so. I would also urge you to contact the school. Is there an alternative bus route he could use?
From my experience with my own son lads of this age use the term gay all the time, everything and everyone is gay. Try and encourage your lad not to be affected by the name calling and not to let it get to him. Other people can say what they want he needs to be more confident if possible and ignore these lads if they arent getting a reaction they will stop. Can he sit up near the front, plug himself in to his phone and listen to music and not hear what they have to say?

mikemac

is mise astra wrote: »

Can he sit up near the front, plug himself in to his phone and listen to music and not hear what they have to say?

It's autumn and autumn means conkers on the bus
Lads down the back feel brave if they are not expecting a comeback

Sorry but I don't see avoiding the two lads as a solution, this can last for years

But sure try it anyway

thirtythirty

Dunno how confident your son is, but one strategy would be to deflect it back.

Something along the lines of "I'm not the one obsessed with cocks, gaybos, and willys - are you two bum chums?". And just continue on those lines whenever he's hassled. If he has mates in school he should also tell them of the two guys and how he reckons they're bum chums, just so he has backup for the schoolyard too.

Childish I know, but the bullying is on that level - can't be an adult about a child's situation.

littlemaxi

Thanks all for your replies.. im kinda leaning towards leaving the school out of it now, as you say they prob wont do a whole lot anyway, and instead just making sure he is equipped with some material for replies!!

He does bring his ipod, and there is no other bus he can take.

They dont say a word to him during school hours at all, which is great, its just the bus, so maybe if i can get him to grow a thicker skin and have some good comebacks lined up he might give as good as he gets..

thirtythirty

That's the route i'd take. To me it seems as if the two lads see it as "banter" because they get a bit of a rise out of him. Doesn't seem like they're targetting if nothing happens in school - getting him to trivialise and give something back would be the way I'd go with it

richieirl

Rise above the comments, this attitude of fighting fire with fire does nothing only to encourage the scumbags that are doing the bullying in the first place.
If he sits there and ignores them they will eventually realise that he's not rising to the bait and will leave him alone. Sitting downstairs on the bus towards the front is another part of the solution. These comments of sending him to boxing classes and the such are mindless. Bullies act out of frustration and their own lack of self confidence.

mikemac

Disagree richieirl

Bullies look for weak targets and they found one.
Do you think the big lads with rugby physiques have to deal with this?

Yeah we can all sit and try to analyze and understand a bully and their lack of confidence and their rough home life and lashing out at the world but none of it excuses what goes on.
You don't empathize with a bully, you hit them a box in the face

When I was in school we were told the most traumatic thing for a child was not losing a parent but to get bullied and I fully believe it.

Having the OP's young lad having more self confidence and the ability to handle himself with sort this faster then avoiding it and staying out of their way and picking certain parts of the bus.
Why should the lad have to plan his evenings just to avoid those two?

captcha4

wait for the offenders to get off at the stops in the evening, hire a "friend" to rough them up a little

richieirl

So the answer is for him to go off learn how to box and kick the s**t outa the bullies. Very mature!
Ignore them and they will very quickly get bored with him and leave him alone.
Any reaction is a response to the bullies and will therefore encourage them to continue to harass him.

Justask

Out of interest are the 2 lads friends? the 1st and 2nd year?

Would him getting on the bus last make any difference so he could check out where the lads are sitting andsit as far away as possible?

Orion

captcha4 wrote: »

wait for the offenders to get off at the stops in the evening, hire a "friend" to rough them up a little

Troll banned from Parenting for one month. 2 of 4 posts infracted - doesn't look good for a imminent site ban I'd say.

Orion

Orion wrote: »

doesn't look good for a imminent site ban I'd say.

And so it came to pass

prettygurrly

having endured years of namecalling on the bus because we were at a "posh school" my advice would be to
a) ignore ignore ignore. there is no entertainment if he doesn't react.
b) find someone, anyone on the bus that he can become friends with. i became friendly with a fella i'd known years ago who all the girls fancied but i wasn't interested. this alliance proved very useful.
c) pointing out that they are obsessed with willys etc will actually work..it's often what the lads do that i know. he needs to learn banter. surprisingly the martial arts will make him confident to do this. i dont agree with beating anyone up but if this rubbish turned into violence at least he'd be able to handle himself. doing martial arts doesn't mean he'll look like a rugby player though..i think people are naive if they think that.
d) reinforce with him that what they tease him about is not real...they just look for anything hurtful and to fall back on a cliche such as this just shows that there isn't anything wrong with him actually...hopefully you follow the logic there.

hope things get better. buses although a nightmare do give you a thick skin for the real world. just watch him and keep him talking to you...it's only october...they'll probably get bored soon...

littlemaxi

Thanks prettygurrly.. fingers crossed they will get bored soon enough, its mid term soon and hopefully the break might help !?!

Sleepy

I'm afraid to say that any advice based on girls experiences of bullying isn't going to be too applicable here OP. Bullying in secondary school is very different between the sexes and tbh your son has the easier type of bully to deal with: boys who pick on the smaller kids are easily put off a victim once they fight back and I'm sorry but unless your son is naturally quick-witted you can't teach him to win the "banter" with a few pre-canned lines. It actually still amazes me that some scumbags who show no interest or aptitude for anything in school can be so quick when it comes to a slagging match.

Ignoring a bully makes them try harder to get to you. Crying encourages them. Your fist connecting with their nose might get you a kicking the once but it'll be the end of them picking on you (especially if you can draw blood via a bloody nose / split lip).

No, it's not nice to advocate violence but your priority is your son, not the "misunderstood" or "frustrated" little ****s that are giving him a hard time. If you happen to know the other kids backgrounds, a word with their parents might help but, if, as I'd suspect, they're from the usual bullies backgrounds, they're being dragged up rather than raised and you'll get nothing but grief from their parents.

As a kid I moved from one side of the country to the other had to deal with bullys in both schools. As an adult I worked with Childline where you're forbidden from giving advice of any kind (you actively listen, asking the odd question of the child in a way that empowers them to form their own solution to the problem) and, with boys, in my experience, it takes a bit of violence to resolve the situation.

A word of warning on the martial arts route: make sure it's an art that's "reality based" if you want it to help your son in that regard. Many traditional arts such as Karate, Kung Fu, Tae Kwon Do etc. will do wonders for his confidence but very, very little for his ability to defend himself until he's been practicing for near on a decade. Boxing / Muay Thai / a few lessons from a male friend / relation that got into a few scraps as a youngster will go a lot further in that regard.

prettygurrly

Sleepy wrote: »

I'm afraid to say that any advice based on girls experiences of bullying isn't going to be too applicable here OP.

i did try to say what lads that I know that were bullied on our bus did...

i still think that bullies are just looking for a reaction. if they get no entertainment off you (such as crying) then they'll get bored and move on. i also made the point that this could escalate (as you said) and maybe being able to handle himself due to martial arts will help to defend himself if needed.

it's a sad world that the only answer you could give, sleepy, was violence. if he pops the kid on the bus and the parents go to school (if they're wearing their uniform the school can do something) then he will get suspended. as he hasn't reported any bullying yet then it'll just look like he wanted to hit someone. no one will speak up for him as bullies travel in packs. it's a very difficult situation but advocating hitting someone isn't going to solve this.
i dont think there is a solution to be honest..but as i said, try to keep your kid talking to you and support him with reassurance. this is tough on him and it was tough on all of us in school...but invariably, us who were bullied have done better in life than those who as sleepy said are dragged up and pick on people. i also found that first year was one of the worst years cos you are the bottom of the school, once second year came it got easier...

the problem with my bus was interschool rivalry but i had second years bully me from my own school, some of them boys and they just want a reaction. once i learnt not to react they generally left me alone.

Sleepy

I think the ignoring tactic works better for girls. To a schoolboy bully, a boy not confronting their taunts is showing weakness whereas they don't really expect the girl to fight back beyond an ascerbic remark (if anything at all).

I agree that it's a sad world when the best advise for kids is to deal with things with their fists but that's the world we live in: some people should never have been parents and unfortunately our children will share schools, clubs and the world at large with their offspring.

I'd second what you're saying about it'll generally get easier as he gets older: particularly if he learns to stand up for himself. If he doesn't, I'd worry he'll end up the same as some guys I was in school with: one in particular tried to ignore hassle he was getting for the entire duration of secondary school, then one day in leaving cert he snapped and beat the daylights out of one of his tormentors (picture a quiet, nerdy 17 year old still punching the unconscious bully until 3 others managed to pull him away). He was lucky he didn't do the guy lasting damage. (I'd no sympathy for the bully by the way, he'd been asking for a slap for 5 years and eventually got 5 years worth of them in a 5 minute window!).

Lone Soldier

prettygurrly wrote: »

the problem with my bus was interschool rivalry but i had second years bully me from my own school, some of them boys and they just want a reaction. once i learnt not to react they generally left me alone.

Well if the problem was inter school rivalry why would people from your own school bully you?