Normal teenage behaviour?

LegacyUser

I'm going anonymous for this, not that I'm a prolific, easily recognisable poster but I'd just rather not have this query tied to my profile for someone to bring up in some other forum for no reason than to counter an argument or whatever.

Apologies straight away that its a bit of a long post!

Anyway, bit of background. I'm a single mother to a 14 yr old son. Its pretty much just me and him. My family aren't great at helping out, we're not that close. So really not who I would turn to for support or advice. His father and other side of the family are worse than useless.

In the last couple of years my son became quite introverted, spend a lot of time in his room playing xbox and eating crap food. Naturally that led to him putting on weight and losing self-confidence. No matter what sport or activity I tried to get him interested in, he wouldn't participate, would refuse to go. But then this summer he started hanging out with some friends from school. Hallelujah! He was off on his bike, going swimming, skating, outside for hours at a time, happy out in himself. Weight has fallen off him and his confidence has grown. He started to stay out and not come home at dinnertime but I let him off thinking only what a great thing this was that he was out and having fun.

Then I found out he was caught smoking. Lost the plot. Now I smoke but very rarely and only socially. So I gave up if he promised to not smoke anymore. He did. I found stuff in his room, its someone else's apparently. I grounded him and took his phone because of that and other stuff going on at the time. Used the phone to log onto his facebook and read his messages. And I found out that he is buying weed from someone. I confront him and he tells me that he was bullied into doing it for another guy. I tell him that even doing that is stupid and illegal and could get him into all sorts of trouble.

Now I have found a way to log on to his facebook on the computer and monitor his messages. And saw a message last week where he is organising to meet the same guy to buy weed again. For himself and a friend. And today I've discovered 20 quid missing from my wallet. Money has gone missing before but usually a fiver and he always denies its him and I can be a bit of a scatterbrain so it wouldn't surprise me if I've miscounted.

He's generally a good kid, kind hearted, good sense of moral values, not in trouble, never been in a fight. But since he started hanging out with these kids he's cocky, getting into low level trouble in school - not having his homework done, not having full uniform and generally not bothered.

So I guess what I'm asking is is this normal behaviour? Part of growing up in this day and age? What actions should I take? Should I tell him I've seen the messages and then he will change his log on and I lose my way of finding out information? If I tell him he can't hang out with his friends, what then? How do I stop him being friends with them in school? How can I keep him in and go back to the way things were before? I'm at a complete loss these days.

silly

IMO this is not normal behaviour.
You do need to sit him down and explain the him the dangers of substance abuse.

If you let him know that you have seen it on Facebook he will most likely change his password, but you are the parent here. Take charge. Take away his Internet access. Take away his phone or stop paying the bill, or paying for credit.
Try not to leave money lying around, find a safe place to hide it, or threaten him with the above if money goes missing.

Abi

TeenagersMom wrote: »

So I guess what I'm asking is is this normal behaviour? Part of growing up in this day and age? What actions should I take? Should I tell him I've seen the messages and then he will change his log on and I lose my way of finding out information? If I tell him he can't hang out with his friends, what then? How do I stop him being friends with them in school? How can I keep him in and go back to the way things were before? I'm at a complete loss these days.

I'm afraid it is. Certainly when I was at that age (around '93) there were some in my circle of friends that used weed. I only took one or two drags out of it, but hated it. I never took to smoking in general.

I wouldn't normally advise you go through his FB, but in another sense it has flagged an important issue. It's seems he's slipped into the attitude that his friends are more important than school, again thats not uncommon for teenagers. I'm not sure what to advise here, other than sitting him down and having a heart to heart with him.

I wouldn't have been able to talk to my parents about anything at that age, because it would undoubtedly have meant punishment. I recall being envious of friends that had parents that had a friendlier more open relationship with them.

I think you might need to change your tactics on this one if you want him to talk to you about whats going on with him. Tell him you've no objections with him hanging out with his friends etc., but you've brought him up this far and want him to do well for himself when he leaves school. Stay involved with his homework, and ask him how he's doing and maybe if he needs help with anything?

I'm not sure how you'd broach the matter of the weed though, without coming clean about the FB thing. It's been a useful tool here, and teenagers can be quite secretive, so I'd say it's tempting to say nothing about it just to have peep-hole view as to what is going on in his life. I think he's likely to throw a hissy, change the password, and push you away. Keep your wallet out of sight. It's not a good sign if he's stealing for weed.

I may be advising all the wrong things here, but I'm trying to see things through his eyes =/

Lola92

Speaking as someone with siblings around that age and not miles off it myself, I would suggest that it is not normal behaviour. My attitude would be that if he is smoking weed at 14 years of age what will he be at when he is 16/17?

I will not hide the fact that I am very anti-drugs so you might think that my response is a little over the top.

He has broken your trust, on several occasions. He needs to try and earn that back by proving to you that he has matured and is willing to respect the boundries that you set.

I would ground him. Meaning not allow him his phone/ xbox/ laptop/ ipod/ tv/ internet access etc. He would no longer be allowed to go out with his friends, school and home again. If he gets pocket money then stop giving it to him. Then I would bring him to visit someone living with the result of drug abuse - the paranoia, schizophrenia, severe mood swings, inability to trust others, constant fidgeting, among many other side effects. I wonder will he think he is cool then the next time he thinks about rolling up a joint? I would educate him on every type of drug, bring him to see addicts if need be. Make it hit home.

Also I would definitely be calling it to the attention of the school and the other boys parents. As well as reporting the dealer to the guards.

cynder

I knew a few circles where it was normal behaviour, as for me i never touched the stuff but i was around loads who did, even during school lunch time..... Many of whom were of otherwise good character, some were scumbags, as far as i know many of them countinued until their 30s. If you cut off one supply he will find another.

How to stop it that's the million dollar question, talk talk and more talk..... perhaps a trip to the gp so they can explain what he is doing to his body and that its illegal....

As for him steeling, ground him for a month, take away all pleasures until he proves himself trustworthy.

Justask

Oh god my heart goes out to you. Teenagers, if its not one thing its another. he is very young to be trying out stuff like that I think. personally I would take the part where he was bullied into bying it with a grain of salt. I'd imagine that he did to be in the 'IN' crowd. Keep your walent out of reach from him for starters.

I've said it here before sport and sports clubs are so important specially for single parents. Boxing seems to be very attractive for that age.
I'd also get him to invite the new mates over to the house so you can see what kinda lads they are.

As for the xbox i would try steer him as much away from it as possible. It numbs the mind IMO.

Best of luck to you

The Princess Bride

would agree with most of what's been posted.

Lola92 is right by the way,if it's weed at 14, what comes next?
Is there any teacher at school he has a particularly good relationship with?Would it be worth you having a chat ,in confidence,with them,first?If not,then your GP.( the gardai may have a teen liason officer who could advise you)

Justask is correct- get that boy over to your house,see what their relationship is like.I wonder whether his parents know/ are asking the same questions also.
The longer this continues,without a doubt,the harder it will be to stop.He is only a child, and with hormones etc......these are difficult enough years without the drugs issue cropping up.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents here. I'm a secondary school teacher in Kilkenny and have been for the past 8 years. I have seen over that time that smoking weed has become widespread around the school and other schools in the area.

Also, I find that even the most polite, wel mannered or enthusiastic student can become introvert and almost sullen around the age of 13/14.- hormones I reckon!

Having said that, while your sons behaviour is typical it cannot be let continue. Weed can cause depression and anxiety among many other problems and you need to address it. As suggested above you need to talk to him, explaining the dangers of drugs. You also need to take away all treats- mobile phone, internet,tv etc. Tell him that you will give them back after 2 weeks/ a month but if you find out he is using it again you will take them away for good.

I know it can be hard to do this to your child but you need to be firm and stick to your word. Assign him a particular time to be home by and if he is late cut it back. Students throw at me all the time that they can get around their parents. You must be firm!!!

Hope this has been of help.

Geekness1234

Tell him that continued use results in him becoming infertile.That's thanks to the main component THC.
If he knows you logged into his Facebook he might interpret that as a serious breach of privacy and trust.
Keep a close eye on him for the next while,as he may be inclined/pressured into buying more from someone in school.
Weed is a starter drug-builds up ignorance and lures them into more serious things.
Xbox is fine but if you're planning on having a heart to heart- do it after,it is also a form of communication,so anything important must be said after,especially if it involves friends.
Make him work the money he took off-only if you can definitely prove he toke it.
Talk to the school,try and find out about the friends,how he behaves in class.
Allow him to still be friends with them,put make sure everything bad he does has consequences.

mikom

Geekness1234 wrote: »

Tell him that continued use results in him becoming infertile.That's thanks to the main component THC.

Yep...... filling your child with lies is a great way to build up trust.

Geekness1234

mikom wrote: »

Yep...... filling your child with lies is a great way to build up trust.[/QUOTE
Scare tactic and I doubt the O.P. Would anyway.

Are there any older fellas around that he knows and that you trust?

He's at an age where an "older and wiser" bloke is likely to have more influence on him than a woman - and that includes his mother.

At that stage in a teenage fella's life, the key is to have such a bloke around in order to have the right kind of influence, which is of course difficult in the circumstances you've outlined. And the problem is that a boy of that age who doesn't have an "older and wiser" male immediately to hand is likely to seek someone to fit the bill, even if that means finding the wrong role model.

Just a thought.

LegacyUser

Seriously thanks so much for all the replies. I will definitely be taking all the advice given here on board. I'm planning to sit down with him this weekend and have a serious heart to heart. I've print screened and saved the messages from his facebook and will keep an eye between now and then for anymore. I think he and his friends have moved a lot of their conversation to MSN Messenger. Maybe that's a good thing as I could easily become obsessive about checking for new information and constantly invading his privacy is not something I want to be doing.

I wish there was some sort of Big Brother scheme in this country so he could have an older male role model. At the moment there is noone in our lives that fulfills this role for him. I do think he feels that lack of that in his life.

Morag

There is a BBBS progam here. http://www.bbbsireland.ie/
and have a look at getting him in a youth group or sport where he can find good role models and better friends.

newuser89

It is the norm these days that 14 year olds are smoking weed. Im 21 but i never touched the stuff all tho i was in a circle a freinds around the age of 14 that largely smoked weed.after a while it became boring to be around them and we left that circle of freinds.

Im not sure how to go about stopping him from doing this as i remember 1 such guy that got punished all the time would keep smokeing the stuff.i never wanted to smoke it thats how i was lucky but punishing him severly could lead to him taken more drugs.try talk to him and hopefully he will see sense.

Most my old circle a friends are wasters who never had a job in there life.and left school early or were expelled

the homework and uniform problems are normal all lads get in trouble for that

ash23

I may have picked this up wrong OP but other than taking his phone, have you punished him for any of this?
As a teen I knew my world would literally end if I stepped out of line. If my mother thought I was doing drugs I'd have never been let out the door again. She'd have stopped me seeing the friends who were responsible. She have walked me to and from school if necessary.
Like I said, my life would have ended.

I was scared enough of the consequences to prevent me from doing this kind of stuff until I was an adult.
I do think a mentor of some sort is a good idea. But I also think you need to toughen up. Being a single parent sometimes means having to be the bad guy all the time.

You don't want him going back to the way he used to be either. That wasn't good for him. He needs friends, needs a social outlet. But not the people who he is hanging around with now.

I'd be inclined to look into youth groups, places he can meet new friends who might be a better influence. And encourage and facilitate him going to productive things like youth groups, school events, hobbies etc and discourage him from others.
At 14 he is pretty much unable to do things without your say so. I mean, he has no money of his own, no transport of his own. he relies on you for everything and there has to be a bargaining system in place.
Hide your purse. Don't let him have access to money unless it's for something decent and you know it's being spent appropriately.
Games, consoles, bikes.....I swear, I'd have everything under lock and key until he proved himself trustworthy again.

cynder

newuser89 wrote: »

It is the norm these days that 14 year olds are smoking weed. Im 21 but i never touched the stuff all tho i was in a circle a freinds around the age of 14 that largely smoked weed.after a while it became boring to be around them and we left that circle of freinds.

Im not sure how to go about stopping him from doing this as i remember 1 such guy that got punished all the time would keep smokeing the stuff.i never wanted to smoke it thats how i was lucky but punishing him severly could lead to him taken more drugs.try talk to him and hopefully he will see sense.

Most my old circle a friends are wasters who never had a job in there life.and left school early or were expelled

the homework and uniform problems are normal all lads get in trouble for that

Similar experience however the scumbags remained scumbags (no idea if they are still into drugs but my bets are that they are) the other kids of good character are still having a smoke here and there and moved onto cocaine before the age of 26, ( i hate class distinctions but they are from well to do families) middle class and up. They all work full time have nice houses and nice cars and NO KIDS.

Drug use is in every walk of life just because a kid smokes weed does not mean he is going to be a waster. My own brother would take anything that was given him without question, his now 32 and has a bit more sense and as far as i know doesnt touch any stuff any more and hasn't for at least 3-4 years.

I dont know if moving him out of the school would help so he would have to find another circle of friends. Peer pressure is a nightmare even though i refused to take part in having a drag the lads kept on and on and on at me, it wasnt until i was about 19 that they finally realised i had no interest in it and stopped asking / pressuring me.

I recon the gp may put the fear of god in him for a year or 2, its worth a try! Also tell him about the stop and searches that the guards do and that if he caught with it he will get a record and they will keep an eye on him, if he gets a record (after the age of 16) the chances of him emigrating to Australia/America will be cut, the choices he makes now will affect him long term..

Kaylee

Deleted User wrote: »

Are there any older fellas around that he knows and that you trust?

He's at an age where an "older and wiser" bloke is likely to have more influence on him than a woman - and that includes his mother.

At that stage in a teenage fella's life, the key is to have such a bloke around in order to have the right kind of influence, which is of course difficult in the circumstances you've outlined. And the problem is that a boy of that age who doesn't have an "older and wiser" male immediately to hand is likely to seek someone to fit the bill, even if that means finding the wrong role model.

Just a thought.

Totally agree with this. Male role modelling is very important - he's crying out for it.

qwertytlk

Hi, just in regard to the weed/facebook situation, i have a suggestion. Would you know if your son came home stoned after smoking weed? If you think you would then perhaps the best thing to do is to keep a really close eye on him when he comes home from seeing his friends over the next few weeks as you already know he is buying the weed. You saw the arrangements he made on fb and he stole the money to buy it, so reason says he will be smoking it. So you could confront him when he comes home after smoking ans say you know he is stoned, you can see it in his eyes and the way hes acting. If he denies it there are home drug tests you can now buy from the pharmacy. They test for all substances including weed. They are approx 18-20euro. If you tested him and he came back positive then you could deal with that by taking away some of his privelages and reducing time spent with friends. And the possibility of being drug tested woud definatley be a further deterrent from smoking weed again as he would know you could randomly test him at any time, so lies and excuses wouldnt be able to get him out of it. Imo, that would probably stop him. Also this way he wont know about the facebook thing, so you will be able to keep tabs on him that way too.
Obviously either way you have alot of talking to do with him. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Ash - he has been punished for everything up to this. I haven't addressed the weed thing yet so he hasn't been punished for that. He denies down to the ground that he stole the money from me. And I have no proof that he did other than 'knowing it' IYKWIM.

His punishments are generally groundings with all privileges removed. In fact he tells me I'm the meanest of all his friends parents and my parents tell me I'm too strict (which is ironic because they were the strictest parents back in my day) Right now it feels like if I lock down on him anymore, its just going to make the situation even worse. That he will feel life at home is nothing but rows and punishments, which will push him into identifying with his peer group over home even more. He told me last week that he stays out all the time because he hates coming home to me giving out to him.

I have tried and tried with the sports thing for the last 3 or 4 years!!! Cannot get him to go to anything and have offered every sort of sport out there. There isn't a youth group in our town and anything like scouts, you have to put the childs name down at birth to get a place! And again I'd have the problem of making him go. He'll just refuse, stay in his room if he's grounded and wait me out. Even if that means weeks and weeks. And then we'll be back to the situation of him doing nothing other than playing xbox.