Estranged wife compromised to sugar daddy

horseone

Hi,

The heading probably gives a good gist of what my concerns are but let me add some context.

My wife and I called time on our relationship 12 months ago after 11 yrs and 2 crackin kids. We’re both in our early 30’s btw. Owing to financial stuff, it wasn’t possible to move out straight away. When I started planning to move out in early summer she lost her job so I had to shelve my plans for a bit. Essentially I’ve been in the spare room for 12 months. During that time I haven’t been in any relationships but have dappled in the online dating malarky and had a few ONS(No man is an island!) etc.

I guess one of the other reasons for my tardiness in leaving the family home are the kids. Love them to bits and it’s taken me a while to come to terms with the prospect of living away from them, putting them to bed, bedtime stories etc. I’ll really miss that aspect of my life but know it must happen for everybody to move on.

My ex has always had a taste for the finer things in life but without the ambition/income to merit them. One of the reasons for the breakup is that I realised she would always be a leech. I have a good job but over the years she has utterly bled me dry. In retrospect I was very trusting/stupid when it came to money with her.

I’ve come to know in the last couple of months that shes gotten herself a 50yo sugar Daddy. He’s bought her a car and been showering her with gifts. Took her to NYC for a shopping trip last week. I have no emotional hangups on their relationship, but for the kids I’d happliy never set eyes on her again. I am a bit angry with myself for not recognising the gold digger she was years ago (btw she comes from a farming family and her siblings are all honest, decent hard working people, her family are horrified with her actions).

With this new sugar Daddy, I feel she’s compromised herself and my kids with it. I know nothing about this lad only that he’s wealthy, I’m just really concerned where my kids are involved. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a good mother and the kids adore her but I’m circumspect about this guy. What kind of fella is down close to £20k barely 3 months into a relationship?? I just don’t trust her judgement at the moment. And with me set to move out imminently, I’m even less reassured. At the same time my life has been on hold for 12 months….I need to go. Btw, he has never met the kids nor me. We have agreed prior notification before the kids meet any significant others.

I’d be more assured if we had family support from either side around us but we moved to the UK 18 months back. We’re on our own

From the kids perspective should I be concerned? Besides keeping regular access with the kids after moving out, are there any other steps I should be taking?

I appreciate it’s a long one…..you probably had to stop for a break half way thru.

Thanks for reading and any advice

moco

You wife is dating a wealthy man, would you be happy with her dating someone if he was poor? I don't really see what the issue is?

username123

How would you feel if your ex wife was passing judgements on who you choose to date?

Its none of your business, and so long as he is decent to your children (if and when the time comes that he meets them), I dont see what the problem is.

I am not understanding where your wife has 'compromised' herself (or the children). She is dating someone - thats her perogative. He is wealthy - no doubt thats nice for her too. Other than that you have not said anything about him, dont know him. So why the use of 'compromise'?

Nolanger

If you've moved to the UK then one option is to go on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Neyite

This might be a good thing - what if she decides she does not need you to move out of the family home? Maybe moves in to his palatial mansion with him instead leaving you your home with the kids - wouldnt that be nice for you? It is also possible that a man in his 50's either has already more or less raised his own children or never had children and is happy with a child free life so she may be the one to move if their relationship goes to the next level.


If she is golddigging with him, it means she is not hauling you through the courts for every last penny you have - I personally would be encouraging the relationship. If he is supporting her lavish tastes, it means you are not. (though you should be still supporting the children fully of course)

I dont necessarily agree with it always being the man to move out of the family home - I think that whoever ended the marriage should make the sacrafice and move out. But I do realise that where kids are involved, its never as black and white as this.

Do you have concerns that this man will try to "buy" your childrens affections? Is that what you mean by compromised? I think that even if he did shower them with gifts, you are still going to be their dad, no matter what.

May I suggest you keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Be open to meeting the guy if the oppertunity presents itself- you said yourself that you have no emotional attachment to your wife and its not unreasonable to meet a man who may be spending time around your children. Your wife has not brought him home yet so maybe she is being cautious until she knows him better when it comes to her kids, but maybe when she does, your fears may be groundless.

Ickle Magoo

Nolanger banned for a month for ignoring the requests to read the charter and abide by it while on previous bans.

horseone

Of course you’re right folks, this guy lavishing money/gifts etc onto my estranged wife is none of my business. It just leaves me uneasy where my kids are involved.

I’m probably over sensitive where my kids are involved.

Thanks all

I don't understand the concern.. The classic old dude with younger girl is usually a man who tries to treat that girl as well as he can.

I am a friend

Plus I don't think you should be talking to your ex's family about her personal business.

Distorted

horseone wrote: »

My wife and I called time on our relationship 12 months ago

horseone wrote: »

During that time I haven’t been in any relationships but have dappled in the online dating malarky and had a few ONS(No man is an island!) etc.

horseone wrote: »

My ex has always had a taste for the finer things in life but without the ambition/income to merit them.

Her and most of the population. So what?

Everyone splits up for various reasons. I am sure your ex has her dissatssfactions with you too.

horseone wrote: »

I’ve come to know in the last couple of months that shes gotten herself a 50yo sugar Daddy. He’s bought her a car and been showering her with gifts.

You're the one calling him a sugar daddy. To be frank, it sounds nothing more than a new partner, who happens to be older than her, and richer than you.

horseone wrote: »

With this new sugar Daddy, I feel she’s compromised herself and my kids with it.

In what way?

horseone wrote: »

Btw, he has never met the kids nor me. We have agreed prior notification before the kids meet any significant others.

I echo the above question? What does that actually mean in practice, "compromised herself"? Its meaningless!

horseone wrote: »

From the kids perspective should I be concerned? Besides keeping regular access with the kids after moving out, are there any other steps I should be taking?

What like ordering her to end relationships that don't meet with your approval? Going along on dates with them? Insist on her going out with someone poor? I don't see how this is of any greater concern than your online dating or ONSs, probably less as it is more consistent. You are just trying to control your ex.

You simply sound jealous. You don't want your ex (and aren't slow to criticise her), but object to her meeting what sounds like a great new man, a YEAR after you parted. A year in which you have already slept around and not hesitated to start online dating.

You also say that your wife had a job until recently, which does not indicate she was a golddigger, simply a working mother. I know a few woman (and at least as many men) whom I would term golddiggers, and none of them work.

I would guess that your ex is quite attractive, and has no difficulty in attracting a new suitor, and this irks you.

My advice to you would be to act with dignity, stop criticising your ex (it gives a bad impression of you, not her), let her move on and do the same, and don't play the poor me act with her family.

Sleepy

Ah come off it, who accepts a car from someone they've been dating less than 3 months other than a prostitute or gold-digger?! I think the OP is in a better position to determine if his ex is a gold-digger than you here Distorted, he was married to her and describes her as having utterly bled him dry when it comes to money.

tbh, OP, were I in your shoes I'd share your concern but would also be seeing it as the opportunity Neyite suggested. Perhaps she's the one who should leave the family home (particularly if you paid for it) and if she's not quite ready to run away with the new guy leaving you with full custody, she might be prepared to accept shared custody?

Beruthiel

moco wrote: »

You wife is dating a wealthy man, would you be happy with her dating someone if he was poor? I don't really see what the issue is?

No woman worth her salt would allow a man to just give her a car after 3 months. Where's her self respect and pride?
The OP is right to be concerned, it shows a complete lack of judgement.

OP you need to talk to your wife. You should do your best to maintain at least a polite relationship with her. It will make life easier on everyone.

You should also talk to a family law solicitor about your rights.
Do your best to at least get joint custody.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you and your wife talk? Do you know for certain he bought her a car? It may be his car / his ex wife's / his daughter's who is away for a year.. it may be on loan to her etc. And if relations are strained with you it's likely that she is lying to you to make you jealous/get back at you/annoy you....

It wouldn't be unheard of.

Either way, not a lot you can do about who she dates. Same way as she gets no say in who you have a ONS with.

He hasn't met the kids yet, so no point in prematurely worrying about what might happen. You haven't met him so are only basing assumptions on the word of your ex.

moco

Beruthiel wrote: »

No woman worth her salt would allow a man to just give her a car after 3 months. Where's her self respect and pride?
The OP is right to be concerned, it shows a complete lack of judgement.

OP you need to talk to your wife. You should do your best to maintain at least a polite relationship with her. It will make life easier on everyone.

You should also talk to a family law solicitor about your rights.
Do your best to at least get joint custody.

Well the OP has already suggested the wife bled him dry over the years, so self respect and pride obviously aren't her good points. The OP knows this though so shouldn't be surprised that she's went for a rich man.

I don't see why this is bothering the OP though, apart from maybe some resentment that she's fell on her feet again.

LeahK

In my opinion, the OP has a point.

I dont neccessarily think it has much to do with how much money this new man has, but rather he is uneasy that his ex would easily allow a new man into his kids life just because he has a few quid? Understandable if you ask me. Doesnt exactly instil much confidence if she is willing to accept such an excessive gift so early in the relationship either.

What happens if this man runs out of money? onto the next mug with a bit of cash?

OP, I would hang on and stay put, if the house is yours/half yours, you have as much of a right to stay there as she does. You're ex obviously has no problem moving on.I would however, insist that if she wants this man in her and your kids life long term, that you would like to meet him first or maybe have a time limit (e.g. one year) before he's introduced to them.

Best of luck!

Mighty_Mouse

The kids are fine. Leave them out of it.

Yes she may be a golddigger. & of course she was gonna sell the honey for money. Its her nature.
Her background, her siblings, you're hard-work nor 14 buckets of jesus love is gonna change that.

It's natural for this to piss you off.
Be angry at your wife & maybe even with yourself for not spotting her for who she is earlier...............but lord god don't hide behind your kids when doing so.

It's bad enough them having to deal with their parents breakup, to also be indirect conduits for daddy's resentment. (Explicitly or implicitly)

horseone

Thanks Sleepy & Neyite, as regards who should leave the family home it’s never clear cut where kids are involved. The house is rented so at least I’m not shackled to her with a mortgage for the next 20yrs!

In an ideal world I’d jump at the chance of joint custody. However in the real world, I work longish hrs, she doesn’t work at all. Things like the school run, dancing class, football simply aren’t practical for me to be doing. That might sound selfish to some but my kids lives need to be paid for and her track record for earning money is abismal. In any event my solicitor tells me unless mothers are practically crack heads, full custody will always favor them and not the dad. Who knows in the future though!

Beruthiel, she probably doesn’t even know I’m aware of any of this. As you can imagine the living situation is tense at best, mostly it’s toxic. It’s a wonder we’ve co-habited this long so I daren’t poke the prada-wearing-dragon. I suspect our relationship might even improve once I move out!

Bag of Chips – yeah he bought her the car, I came across an invoice for it in her glove box when I was taking back my Killers CD.

I don’t want to come across as a pocessive overbearing guy….. I have no desire to influence who she dates nor even that he has more money than me. More luck to him cos he won’t have much left when she’s finished.

I’m not sure if my cause for concern came across in my earlier post so here goes again. I’m unnerved that the type of guy who finds it acceptable to be this extravagant towards somebody he knows < 3 months might well be a significant part of their(the kids) lives in the future. Truth be told people that throw their money around in such extravagent fashion are showey pr$cks imo….and yes it irks the hell outta me that my kids might well grow up thinking this is the way to go!

Anyway all I can do is to instill some level of ambition, integrity and honesty into them when I do have access to them and hope for the best!!

Thanks for opinions folks, I didn’t think they would so polarised.

I am a friend

Two things

Are you sure she is only seeing him 3 months??

You chose this woman to be your wife and mother of your kids so you really should not be speaking about her in such a disrespectful manner. Hope you don't speak like that in front of the kids.

There are always two sides to every story and I suspect op that she is not the devil you portray her as and you may not be an angel.

Big Bag of Chips

horseone wrote: »

Truth be told people that throw their money around in such extravagent fashion are showey pr$cks imo…..

Yes... it's your opinion! You know nothing about this guy at all.. nothing. He may be loaded and not too hung up on money and who he gives what to. He may be an idiot. He may be a sleaze. He may be a nice fella and she may have asked him for a loan to buy the car?..

You just don't know - other than finding an invoice!

She may have no intention of introducing him to your kids. She may take him for all he's worth and drop him before he ever gets a chance to meet them. She may marry him.. you don't know, and frankly until it starts adversely affecting your kids, what your opinion is doesn't matter a jot!

I also agree with I am a friend - it's clear you have a very low opinion of your ex, perhaps with very good cause.. but I hope your kids aren't picking up on that. That would definitely do them more damage than some fella buying them stuff!

LegacyUser

I just have three points to add to help the OP

First, any man who buys someone he knows for 3 months a car is a sap. That relationship won't last.

Second, this guy is in his 50s...he'll have no interest in becoming a father figure to your children so you've no worries there.

Lastly, you will always be your children's Daddy....there is NO ONE who will take that away from them. You be sure to rise above this rubbish and be the best dad to them they could wish for. Your ex sounds like a moron, sorry.

All the best

Distorted

I am a friend wrote: »

You chose this woman to be your wife and mother of your kids so you really should not be speaking about her in such a disrespectful manner. Hope you don't speak like that in front of the kids.

Well yes. She was good enough to get married to and have kids with, but is suddenly the devil incarnate?

And she can't be much of a goldigger if she settled down to get married and have kids with a man who didn't own his own home, while having to work herself. As for her work history being "abysmal", maybe thats got something to do with disruptions due to having your children? Or the recession? Or childcare costs?

If you wanted a woman who was a high earner, then why did you not deliberately set out to get one of the many high earning women about? Although to be honest, along with my co-graduates in dentistry, medicine and law, us professional high earning women would be looking for somone more on a par with us financially, and definately a home owner, and maybe even someone who would buy us a car from their own salary when we compromised our careers to have our children. But by doing that, we aren't going to be moaning 10 or 15 years down the line that they aren't a high enough earner for us.

What you say just isn't adding up. You are so harsh on the woman, its unbelievable. For all we know, she could be living in poverty, recently made redundant, with no means of transport for herself and the kids until a kind offer of a car. It certainly doesn't seem to be a concern that has troubled you! You are more giving me the impression of being an unsuportive husband, than of your wife being a golddigger.

Would you feel better if she dated someone poor? Your only real objection is that this man is wealthy, and treating her well! Its sheer jealousy, in the midst of what is obviously a horendously upsetting break up for both of you.

Sleepy

Distorted wrote: »

Would you feel better if she dated someone poor? Your only real objection is that this man is wealthy, and treating her well! Its sheer jealousy.

I have to disagree with this: buying someone a car within a few months of starting to date them isn't treating them well: it's treating them like a whore who's affections can be bought.

Distorted

Sleepy wrote: »

I have to disagree with this: buying someone a car within a few months of starting to date them isn't treating them well: it's treating them like a whore who's affections can be bought.

How dramatic! Alternatively they could be a good friend helping out a woman whose marriage has broken down and who has children with no way of transporting them; or a besotted man who isn't sleeping with the woman yet. If she is in dire financial straits, her normal reticence over accepting gifts might be put aside in favour of the good for her children and a desire to be independent in terms of transport.

Is it really so unusual in Ireland now for men to buy women presents? Or to support a wife and family and not expect the wife to be a high earner? Because I can assure you it happens elsewhere a lot. Add into that mix if a woman is attractive, and becomes single, and appears to be getting treated badly. Its not that unusual, and I don't think it turns women into whores. That would take a whole lot more activity than the giving of a present...

Ickle Magoo

Sleepy wrote: »

I have to disagree with this: buying someone a car within a few months of starting to date them isn't treating them well: it's treating them like a whore who's affections can be bought.

I wouldn't automatically jump to that conclusion, it's all relative after all - if the guy is loaded then a car is going to be the equivalent gift of a bracelet to a poorer guy...

OP,

While I know you want to be in close contact with your kids, I'm not sure being in a place where you are forced to watch her move on is healthy for you - especially since you seem to be focussed on how much money the guy has. I'd get legal advice ASAP about where you stand with the kids, house and divorce proceedings but for your own sanity to help you move on and not care about what relationship your wife is engaging in, it might help not to be somewhere where it can all be rubbed in your face.

Ultimately, regardless of what you or her family think of her, she has the right to move on and have relationships with other people and judging her or those relationships is pointless...it's just going to get you angry and annoyed. You don't get to choose her partners and basing your opinion of them on what gifts they choose to give your wife just shouts of sour grapes. I think you should ignore the stuff that really isn't any of your business any more and concentrate on the stuff that is ie the kids, house, getting in touch with a lawyer.

All the best.

horseone

Distorted, you've made some pretty large leaps on my situation while having a very limited view of it. The premise of my original thread was around the concerns I had for the type of relationship my ex has embarked on while my kids live with her and how unnerved I felt about the future with me gone. You've decided my attitude to my ex is harsh and unjustified and should take centre stage.

Distorted wrote: »

Well yes. She was good enough to get married to and have kids with, but is suddenly the devil incarnate?

I never implied the devil incarnate. She has some good qualities but she is also a very materialistic woman. Simple as!

Distorted wrote: »

And she can't be much of a goldigger if she settled down to get married and have kids with a man who didn't own his own home,

Not that is was relevant to the post but I do own a home in Ireland as well as providing another here. Incidentally through the years she has spent all equity in that home (and more besides) while leaving me paying a substantial mortgage and big rent here. Renting a flat for myself is hardly gonna make things easier for me.

Distorted wrote: »

while having to work herself. As for her work history being "abysmal", maybe thats got something to do with disruptions due to having your children?

I find this fairly inflammatory. Having kids was a mutual thing. Her inability to work is not because of having kids, it’s because she is downright lazy. All the while I’m struggling to make ends meet

Distorted wrote: »

Theres something about this I'm not finding convincing. You are so harsh on the woman, its unbelievable. For all we know, she could be living in poverty, recently made redundant, with no means of transport until a kind offer of a car.

Distorted wrote: »

Would you feel better if she dated someone poor? Your only real objection is that this man is wealthy, and treating her well! Its sheer jealousy.

Again the post is not around my attitude to my ex, just my concerns on her latest relationship. If you’re sensing an overly harsh/negative attitude to my ex, I guess that’s largely typical of an acrimonious separation. I did not set out to vent on my ex.

Incidentally I do not talk negatively of her in front of the kids

Thanks for the other advice guys

going to see a house share this evening...fingers crossed

Sleepy

Distorted wrote: »

Is it really so unusual in Ireland now for men to buy women presents? Or to support a wife and family and not expect the wife to be a high earner? Because I can assure you it happens elsewhere a lot.

We're a single income family ourselves so of course I know it still happens in Ireland. Whether the price of a car is nothing to him or not is irrelevant here: it's a hugely significant gift to accept off anyone, nevermind a relative stranger you're just getting to know. Nowhere has the OP said he's left the ex in financial dire straits either btw.

Reversing the genders I know, but if I were 3 months into a relationship with an older woman and she bought me a car, I'd feel like a gigolo. And as back backslapping-ly fun as that might sound in the pub, there's no practical difference in being that to being a rent-boy or a street-walker.

What kind of role model is that woman being to her children: be attractive and men will buy you things if you kiss them? It's nothing like a stay-at-home parent being supported by a working parent. It's a "kept" relationship.

I think the OP is perfectly justified in being concerned about this. To be fair to the ex, at least she's agreed to no introduction to the children without consultation so that if the relationship does happen to last (unlikely imho, what 50-something wants to raise another family?) at least he can try and negotiate a gradual introduction to this man and request that the mother hides the fact he's showering her with gifts in exchange for her affection...

Ickle Magoo

He can be concerned all he likes - but ultimately he isn't going to get a court order dictating whom his wife can go out with and what value of gifts they are allowed to give her, so it's a completely pointless exercise in resentment, jealousy and bitterness - which is a really unhealthy place for the OP to be.

The OP needs to concentrate on the things he can control and does have the right to comment on - and he needs to move on and accept that what goes on between his wife and other people doesn't have anything to do with him any more and how and when she chooses to introduce people in her life to her children is not something the OP has any control over.

Distorted

OK OP, fair enough, you sound less inflammatory and more explantory with your latest post.

horseone wrote: »

Distorted, you've made some pretty large leaps on my situation while having a very limited view of it.

I never implied the devil incarnate. She has some good qualities but she is also a very materialistic woman. Simple as!

You do realise you come across as very materialistic yourself? Your comments about your wife are all linked to money and how much things cost.

horseone wrote: »

I find this fairly inflammatory. Having kids was a mutual thing. Her inability to work is not because of having kids, it’s because she is downright lazy. All the while I’m struggling to make ends meet

You do realise that there are many couples where the wife (or husband) don't work, and concentrate on bringing up the kids, supported financially by the other partner? And there is a recession, and a lot of people losing their jobs?

Did you leave her with any means of transport to take the kids to those football matches and after school activities you mentioned?

I don't understand, if why having a high earning wife is that important to you, you didn't ensure that you chose one in the first place? Because otherwise it smacks of changing the goalposts. If someone doesn't have the foundations of a good career before kids, they're quite unlikely to suddenly develop one post-children. And a lot of men are actually quite happy with that. But selecting a woman on her earning power seems a bit mercenary to me.

horseone

Distorted wrote: »

I don't understand, if why having a high earning wife is that important to you, you didn't ensure that you chose one in the first place? Because otherwise it smacks of changing the goalposts. If someone doesn't have the foundations of a good career before kids, they're quite unlikely to suddenly develop one post-children. And a lot of men are actually quite happy with that. But selecting a woman on her earning power seems a bit mercenary to me.

I never implied I set out to find a high earning wife, i'm not that fickle. However it's entirely reasonable to expect a spouse to pay debt they have incurred themsleves. In my situation I've been lumbered with the majority of that debt while she gets doted on my a wealthy admirer.

While that irritates the hell out of me, there's little or nothing to be gained by dwelling on it. My concern for my kids welfare and upbringing take higher priority.

Hopefully I'll be out this time next week and here's hoping 2012 is a better year!

thanks all

Taltos

All - can we please try to dial the emotion back a bit.
While I realise breakups can be sensitive for many grilling the OP is not within our remit - lets try to keep our opinions constructive and civil at all times.

Taltos

ListentomeIsay

I think you need to get out a lot more yourself. I not being nasty I just think you still have far too much feelings for this woman and if you have love to give someone you should be out finding your next love. I know you might find it hard but don't think of your next relationship as short or long, just thing of it as a relationship. The love of your life could be around the corner. Your goals, morals etc are now firmly fix in your head and you can now find that person who shares simular goals and expectations. Lets get things in order for you now!!
You are in your early 30's - great age..
You have two wonderful kids that love you dearly...
Your ex has moved on and might be less likely to take more of your money now...
It coming into christmas...
You have over 30 years to retire plus moreafter that, to build a new life with a new partner.
1/3 of you life has past and think of all the good times.
Now think of all the good times your going to have for the next 60 years...
Your a lucky man... Good luck and farewell!!!