Coping with Christmas after separation

Klingon Hamlet

An interesting article here...

THAT'S MEN: Start planning now to make things easier on everyone, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN

THIS IS the time of year when separated parents need to consider how to handle Christmas with their children. Here are some tips that assume the traditional arrangement, namely that the children live with the mother.

Talk to your ex

Organising Christmas when people talk to each other is difficult enough; if they fail to communicate at all, it’s likely to be a mess. If you and your ex are not on speaking terms, perhaps a mutual friend or relative could help. Do not use the children as negotiators or go-betweens: they should not have to carry this responsibility. If possible, keep solicitors out of it: little peace and goodwill can survive their incendiary letters.

Work out the where, when and how Can both parents be in the room when the children open their presents? If not, when and how will you give them their presents? Where will you meet them? If either or both of you has a partner, will/should the partner be there? This needs working out, with mutual respect in the conversation.

It doesn’t all have to happen on Christmas Day. If you can’t be with the children on Christmas Day, perhaps they can be with you on St Stephen’s Day. Perhaps the children might have a Christmas celebration at your place before Christmas Day by agreement with the other parent.

Consider extended family. Grandparents matter to children so try to arrange for them to see both sets of grandparents.

Avoid jealousy

If your child is living with half-siblings from your ex’s new relationship, could you include presents for these other children as well? Children are children, after all, and this could be a smart move to cement relationships.

Respect the live-in parent’s opinions on presents. If you want to give your child an iPhone 4 and the live-in parent thinks it is a bad idea, it’s important to respect the opinion of that parent and not to undermine them. This is not a time for competition.

Preserve traditions

If you recently separated, think about what sort of activities the children are used to at Christmas. How much of this could they still do with co-operation between both parents? Visits to grandparents might form part of this tradition, for instance.

Plan ahead

What is the role of the new partner or partners? What involvement should they have in the planning? What involvement should they have when you are with the children on the day? Now may be a better time to work this out than December 25th.

Consider the children’s needs. Will coming to you completely disrupt their Christmas because of distance? Will they have to miss their Christmas play or some other important (to them) event? If so, consider changing the arrangement to accommodate them.

Keep things in perspective . . .

. . . if it all breaks down. If you simply cannot arrange to see the children, think of sending cards and presents. Take care of yourself on Christmas Day. There will be other days: keep yourself in good shape for them.

I would like to acknowledge that some of the ideas in this article came from the Family Mediation Service of the Family Support Agency and others from the Equal Rights for Separated Dads website, Separateddads.co.uk. It’s an excellent site that I recommend to separated parents.

I am sorry if any of what I have written here is patronising. I have never been in the situation I am writing about and if I have struck the wrong note with those who are living through it, that’s why.

However, I am well aware that Christmas is an emotionally difficult time for many separated parents. The key message is to start thinking about and planning the Christmas arrangements right now – do not wait until Christmas Week.

Padraig O’Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is accredited as a counsellor by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book, Light Mind, Mindfulness for Daily Living , is published by Veritas. His mindfulness newsletter is free by e-mail

Abi

I have to say, that was a great read, thanks for that

I back it 110%. it's so utterly important that you don't allow the problems between a separating couple effect children in general, and particularly over holidays when they had been used to seeing you both together. It's important to show some unity for the childrens sake, it's supposed to be a happy time. Parents at war will only sour things for them, and leave bad memories.

That article is a perfect guideline. You're only a child once, parents owe it to them to make their Christmas as happy and special as they can make it.

Sleepy

My step-son's dad stays with us Christmas Eve so he can be there when his son wakes up on Christmas morning. I couldn't imagine depriving a parent of what's, to most children, their happiest time of the year.

We're extremely lucky that my partner and her ex remained good friends and he's become a good friend of mine at this stage too. It really does make things so much easier on everyone!

PlainP

A very good article giving me a lot of food for thought.
It will be my children's first Christmas with separated parents so I am worried a bit on how to juggle things. I do talk to their father but I don't see him staying over in my house (for xmas eve) an option.
He can be very stubborn though so I hope the conclusions that we come to will work best for the children.
Here's hoping Christmas will be a happy affair in my household this year.

Klingon Hamlet

My child'll be abroad most likely. It makes me very sad. But I know when he will eventually see me, I'll put a big smile on his face

OUTOFSYNC

My DD lives abroad with her mother and I have to travel to see her. I didn't see her on christmas day 2009 or 2010.

I began emailing as far back as July about Christmas (I wanted to see dd on Xmas day itself). I emailed numerous times but got no response. In October, in the absence any information, I finally emailed my dates for travelling for christmas arriving a few days before christmas and leaving a few days after christmas (12 days total). I suggested sharing the day it self.

I then got an email response saying dd and mother would be away at christmas and I'd be given the dates a few days before they depart. I couldn't get any specific information about dates therefore precluding me making arrangements to travel.

This week I managed to get their travel dates [via lawyers] - the whole of the christmas period into the new year.

We have court ordered access - technically she is breaking the court order.

Do I insist on travelling myself and and insist on the court ordered access? (for what its worth)

Or is this a battle not worth fighting - and travel in January instead?