Divil 'Uns

MonkieSocks

Three guys die and go to hell.


When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

"Whatever your father’s jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"

As he calls the third guy over, he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a Popsicle maker"

________________________________


A man goes to hell and the devil greets him.

He takes him to a hallway which has three different doors and tell the man he'll have to choose one room to spend the rest of eternity in.

So he takes him to the first door and he opens it and sees everyone standing on their heads on wooden floors.

The man thought that would be pretty terrible to spend the rest of eternity on his head on such a hard floor and asked the devil to show him the second door.

Everyone in the second room was standing on their heads on concrete.

The man thought that was even worse to spend the rest of eternity on his head on an even harder floor.

Finally the devil takes him to the third door and in that room everyone is up to their knees in dog sh1t and drinking coffee.

The man thought that was pretty bad, but at least they could drink coffee so he told the devil he chose the third room to spend the rest of eternity in.



So the man, up to his knees in dog sh1t, drank coffee for a few minutes.



Then the devil came back into the room and said

"Coffee break is over. Back on your heads."
________________________________________

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.

One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said,

"I married your sister."
________________________________________

A guy was sent to hell, and as he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners,
he saw a man he recognized as a TD snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that TD gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"