Teen Lying!

Galadriel

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

One of her funny lies was when she denied plucking her eyebrows, when half of one of them was missing! We had to laugh at that one....

Ok, she is 13, she plucked her eyebrows maybe for the first time and got it wrong, you really want her to admit that to you even though it's obvious? she's obviously embarrassed and maybe that's why she lied about it.

LegacyUser

I don't know if the last posters have read the whole thread, but I have to repeat again: It's not about the sweets! This child has been lying regularly for a year and a half, even to her friends...
All is good at home anyway now, she more or less made her own way to basketball this week, and she doesn't mind not going to the cinema this time! I'll probably bring her myself later.
I don't think I'll bring her to get professional help, but keep a close hear/eye on things, and if she develops serious and indiscriminate lying habits, we might review the situation.
When I talked with her about it this week, she said she didn't want to talk about it to anybody, even her aunts she is very close to. She doesn't seem to see it much as a problem. Maybe her moral conscience has taken a back seat during adolescence, I think teens lack empathy etc, so it might be part of that. Their brain is just topsy-turvy for a while!

nowayjosie

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Hi everybody!
My husband and I are at our wits end dealing with our 13 year old girl. She lies to us bout the most ridiculous things, and will keep denying or silent in the face of obvious evidence.
This morning again, we are all wound up to an extreme level, I'll give you a taste of what happened to give you an idea of the situation

Yesterday night around 10 p.m. my husband was looking for the sweets he had bought the day before, which I had put in a drawer. He got mad with not finding them, and then of course we thought of our daughter taking them without asking permission, as she has done it often. So he went calmly to ask her (she was already in bed) if she had taken them, and that he just wanted the truth. She kept denying it, then said he could keep looking etc. We said we would ground her indefinitely if she didn't owe up, since we are absolutely fed up of her lying.
I went then to give her a second chance, but she kept silent, which is a sure sign she is lying!
In the morning, I gave her a third chance, and said that if she gave me the packet, she would not get punished.

During breakfast, her father asked her again about them. He started calm then got mad at her evasion of the truth and silence/ mumbling.
She had put the (nearly empty!) bag of Haribos in my room, without telling me, but still couldn't bring herself to say the word "I took the sweets", which would have got her off. She preferred staying silent, saying se couldn't say it, crying etc.

She lies about such petty things several times a week, at least we catch her that often. We feel we cannot trust her at all, that later when serious things happen, she will still lie by omission, stay silent, or deny till the death. Dishonesty is a horrible trait in my opinion.
She's said she's too afraid of consequences, but we have never got that angry or violent. She knows the consequences are far worse for lying than for misbehaving in our house.
Does she lack moral fibre?
How can we ever trust her?

I know putting the foot down to such an extent, i.e not even bringing her to sport, no birthdays or afternoons in town with friends, will only make her rebellious and push her away.

My husband feels we have to, that it needs to be dealt with very seriously. She has lied about more serious things also, and it's a matter of time before the normal teen problems (binge drinking, smoking, etc) make an appearance around her anyway.
We are generally quite strict parents (I'm from a country where slapping is not outlawed!), so it's not the result of sloppy overly-liberal parenting!
Our daughter is an extremely happy teen, with many friends and loved family, very successful at school and in her hobbies, always very polite and pleasant to everybody. I would have to say I'm very proud of her, except for this!

Please advise me also on negociating with my very angry husband, I feel the punishment he's proposing would be counter-productive!

Thanks in advance!

For gods sake this is a child taking a few sweets without permission - you both need to relax - your coming down on her too hard and I don't blame her for not owning up and being punished - your actions are only going to make her act worse.

You should be aiming for a relaxed home environment where this child feels free to talk to you. From the sounds of it she is terrified of you both so therefore she won't admit to things she's done which were wrong. Mind you I feel your taking this all far too seriously as were talking about a few sweets here.

Put yourselves in her shoes imagine being in your bed when your father who is very angry enters the room and starts accusing you of taking his sweets (he sounds so very immature) some thing another 13 year old might do this is then followed up by your mother threatening you with punishments etc...well would you own up??? both of you need to learn some good parenting skills, and lighten up your both way over the top and far too strict, your just destroying any chance you have of her ever trusting you.

1966

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Yes, Sharrow, that's my worry. She also lies to her friends, inventing boyfriends for months at a time, when there are many boys chasing her, and she's a beautiful confident girl, who doesn't need to. She is a bit of a fantasist in that way.
Again, I asked her why she does it, when she obviously doesn't need their attention, she is very popular etc. She can't explain it!!!

Jeez lighten up !!
You guys quizzing her friends now - please.

I told my friends my boyfriend was Adam Ant growing up and AFAIK I turned out OK.......

Andrew33

Fittle wrote: »

Is it just me or is this post WAY OTT - someone advising psychological intervention for a hormonal teenager because she robbed her dads sweets and was afraid to tell him

Absolutely agree, having a young teenage girl in your house is like having a CIA operative living with you, they're masters in subterfuge, diversion tactics and generally they'll fukk with your head every chance they get but once you know it's all perfectly normal teenage behaviour it all becomes easier.
To OP, the stricter you are and the more restrictions you try to impose? It's like blocking the safety valve on a pressure cooker, ease up and it'll all come good.

nowayjosie

Andrew33 wrote: »

Absolutely agree, having a young teenage girl in your house is like having a CIA operative living with you, they're masters in subterfuge, diversion tactics and generally they'll fukk with your head every chance they get but once you know it's all perfectly normal teenage behaviour it all becomes easier.
To OP, the stricter you are and the more restrictions you try to impose? It's like blocking the safety valve on a pressure cooker, ease up and it'll all come good.

Your so right Andrew 33,

the parents here are off the way and making the teen even worse, theres a time to be strict and theres limits we all set for teens but most parents would love it is all there teenager done was rob a few haribo jelly beans from a drawer - they both need to grow up.

Andrew33

nowayjosie wrote: »

Your so right Andrew 33,

the parents here are off the way and making the teen even worse, theres a time to be strict and theres limits we all set for teens but most parents would love it is all there teenager done was rob a few haribo jelly beans from a drawer - they both need to grow up.

Sounds like the young lady in the house is the one with the sense!:D

I suppose I shouldn't joke about it, OP is obviously stressed out over it but she (and hubby) just need to lighten up.

nowayjosie

Andrew33 wrote: »

Sounds like the young lady in the house is the one with the sense!:D

I suppose I shouldn't joke about it, OP is obviously stressed out over it but she (and hubby) just need to lighten up.

;)Know what I dont blame you for the joke - with a bit of luck the parents will look carefully through the replies and learn something from them. Maybe this is the first teenager they have - hopefully they will get things into perspective, as parents we sometimes need guidance, and thats no harm but we need to live in the real world coz they seem to be on another planet.:D

LegacyUser

I have already said we generally have a very good relationship etc. I think some posters didn't read further posts of mine....
Anyway, so you all think lying through one's teeth is fine and should be accepted?
That's fine, that's more or less what we're doing!

starbelgrade

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

I have already said we generally have a very good relationship etc. I think some posters didn't read further posts of mine....
Anyway, so you all think lying through one's teeth is fine and should be accepted?
That's fine, that's more or less what we're doing!

I've read all your posts & some of them are contradictory - you say that you are accepting that she's lying through her teeth, yet at the same time you are at your wits end.

You say that you have a good family relationship, yet you're looking for advice on how to negotiate with your husband, who seems to have a temper on him which you brush off as a "fiery Irish temper" as if it were a national trait (it's not by the way - he need to learn to control that).

And then you say that your daughter lacks empathy - for me that is the crux of this issue.. you are judging your daughter (a child) by your own adult standards, saying that she lacks "moral fibre" etc, instead of recognising the fact that she's a young girl who will only learn things in life by making mistakes. The fact that you cannot understand this shows that it's you & your husband that are lacking empathy.

And then you say that this isn't just about a packet of sweets. I'm sure that it isn't & I believe that you want to see the best of your daughter & would prefer that she wouldn't lie about things, but when you make such a big issue over something so trivial as a packet of sweets, then I'm not surprised that she lies about things.

This is a girl who needs to grow up a bit & learn that lying is not a good thing - that will happen with time as sure as night follows day, but I also think that you & your husband have a bit or growing up to do yourselves, realise that your kids need space & time to learn and grow into adults and above all, show a bit more empathy to her.

nowayjosie

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

I have already said we generally have a very good relationship etc. I think some posters didn't read further posts of mine....
Anyway, so you all think lying through one's teeth is fine and should be accepted?
That's fine, that's more or less what we're doing!

I have read your posts, you both obviously love your daughter I can see that from what you said below

"Our daughter is an extremely happy teen, with many friends and loved family, very successful at school and in her hobbies, always very polite and pleasant to everybody. I would have to say I'm very proud of her, except for this!"



how ever you then went on to say the following

"Please advise me also on negociating with my very angry husband, I feel the punishment he's proposing would be counter-productive!"

And this seems to me to be more urgent a problem to deal with then the fact that your daughter took some sweets without permission. Your husband seems to be acting OTT completely -- we're talking about a few petty lie's about sweets or whatever -- its normal teenage behaviour stop reading into it as something else.

Just sit down and have a chat with your husband about why its not a good idea to be loosing his temper over petty things, and why don't you both check out through friends who have teenagers what their child is like. I'd cool off on the punishments and loosing the tempers and flying off the handle as if you think back its not easy being a teenager it can be a very traumatic time.

I agree with you - your very angry husbands attitude is counter productive he really needs to chill out.

Best of luck.

Tayla

ppink wrote: »

From some experience with this I would be seeking professional help ASAP for this girl and your family. We had a very similar situation with a family member who at a similar age started this lying business. His mother tried everything, all sorts of talking, explaining, punishing etc and nothing worked. It is to the point that he is not welcome in my home ever.
If he said it was night time you could not even rely on that to be true and again it was over the most stupid of things but built up to significant lies and threatened to divide the entire family.

I am not trying to scare you but I would be looking for professional help to try to resolve this.

I also know someone like this, started lying as a young teenager, is now an adult but lies about the most stupid things all the time, he lies about serious things aswell but the sheer volume of lies make it impossible to trust him......however when I was that age I told some lies but I've grown out of it and to be honest even now as a grown adult and mother I feel like I was right to lie in the situations that I lied in because my parents could be very irrational about things.

I'll give you an example, I started school when I had just turned 4 so most of my friends in my year in school for a year or 2 older than me, when we were about 12/13 all my friends would want to go to the late show at the cinema, of course my parents were having none of it, according to them I was too young because all my friends were older than me and this and that, I tried to rationally plead my case with them saying that so what if they were a year or 2 older than me, they were in my class, they were my peers so it shouldn't have been an issue. Because of the fact that they were impossible to deal with it, it led to extreme tactics for me to even be allowed to go along with these innocent nights out with my friends etc. It wasn't good but they were unwilling to compromise.

I actually developed social anxiety at around the age of 14 and it led to me leaving school early, my parents still don't know the real reason why I left school early, not that they ever asked, they just seemed to think I was a problem child.

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Yes, Sharrow, that's my worry. She also lies to her friends, inventing boyfriends for months at a time, when there are many boys chasing her, and she's a beautiful confident girl, who doesn't need to. She is a bit of a fantasist in that way.
Again, I asked her why she does it, when she obviously doesn't need their attention, she is very popular etc. She can't explain it!!!

That is strange tearingourhairout, I can see how you would be frustrated and worried about her.

Galadriel wrote: »

Ok, she is 13, she plucked her eyebrows maybe for the first time and got it wrong, you really want her to admit that to you even though it's obvious? she's obviously embarrassed and maybe that's why she lied about it.

I think the OP mentioned in her first post that the her daughter was crying etc (in regards to the sweets) but she said she "couldn't say it"

I think maybe you put too much emphasise on her saying the words OP, if she's practically admitted it through her actions and won't say the words then you shouldn't keep putting pressure on her to say the words.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies, there's food for thought there, especially from those who have realised it's not about the sweets or any specific instance, but about the habit itself.
By the way it's the only problem we have with her, we appreciate she is an exceptionally lovely and interesting child, I try not to boast of her too often!
I suppose it's true I hold her to adult standards of behavior, I grew up fast and had a lot of responsibility young, which she doesn't, so I should remember she's not developing at the same rate I was (though physically she i, which is confusing...).
Both of us parents have a good relationship with her, again this morning my husband was trying to work out a way to bring her to a match this week. Between us, however, we don't always agree about parenting, I think he's too explosive then lenient thus incoherent, whereas I would be fairly consistently authoritative (not authoritarian!) but coherent and always understanding.
This morning again I talked with her informally, and she understands us not being happy with her lying, I think she is not happy about it herself. We were talking about going to see Breaking Dawn together, as we did for the other films before, as a nice girlie time together (I loved the books! ), and she said her friends are not all going together etc, so she's delighted to go with me, and maybe dress up...
All this is fine, but we give her quite a bit of freedom, going to sleepovers a lot, to town every Saturday with her friends, on holidays with cousins for two weeks without us in a fairly wild (anarchist) camp etc, so we need to be able to TRUST her and what she says. If she says she has money, and doesn't, or vice-versa, or lies about what happens to her there, it's a problem. We want to let her be independent to an extent, but we need honesty and trust in order to do so.
Yes, I did put too much emphasis on her "saying the words", I wanted to see if it was a psychological obstacle, and I think it was, maybe as you said, because of embarrassment.
She's mentioned before that we pressurise her (to do excellently at school, for example, since she can!) and expect her to be perfect. Maybe that's where the problem lies, that's her way not to be!
I'll try to relax a little with these expectations of mine. I will talk to my husband, I know he'll agree to try, but will probably keep being inconsistent....

Daisy M

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

I have already said we generally have a very good relationship etc. I think some posters didn't read further posts of mine....
Anyway, so you all think lying through one's teeth is fine and should be accepted?
That's fine, that's more or less what we're doing!

OP you asked for advice on here and thats what you are getting there is no point getting defensive. Most people think you are overreacting and maybe you need to consider this rather than getting defensive. The way you have handled the problem up until now hasnt worked so you do need to take a different approach. This thread has given you plenty of advice and viewpoints, please consider taking them on board.

al28283

Sounds like a nightmare being a young teen in your home TBH.

nowayjosie

Daisy M wrote: »

OP you asked for advice on here and thats what you are getting there is no point getting defensive. Most people think you are overreacting and maybe you need to consider this rather than getting defensive. The way you have handled the problem up until now hasnt worked so you do need to take a different approach. This thread has given you plenty of advice and viewpoints, please consider taking them on board.

I agree Daisy M;
I feel sorry for them as they have made such a commotion about something so trivial and some how they seem to have lost their way and this can happen to anyone but you've given sound advice and I'd urge them both to take the advice of everyone on board.

LegacyUser

Sorry again I have to disagree a HABIT of lying is "trivial". We're hoping it's a phase (I have already explained it's been going on for one and a half year), but it's really not something we believe is acceptable long-term. Again, my husband was angry, and I was disappointed that my daughter repeatedly feels the need to lie EVEN WHEN SHE KNOWS SHE WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR TELLING THE TRUTH!

There was no commotion except a few minutes of asking the question and talking about consequences for lying on the given night, and a few tears the morning after when I asked her to explain herself r.e. the lying.

I have taken advice on board to relax etc, as mentioned in my last post. She is not really being punished, as explained earlier also. A lot of communication is happening all the time.

As for judging whether you would like to be a teen in our house, no parents are perfect, and all teens have moments when they 'hate' their parents, it's part of growing up.
I have pointed out she is extremely happy and fulfilled. In fact many many people comment on the joy (of life) that our daughters both display.
Maybe it's beside the point, but I think having high expectations and clear boundaries is good in education? I am a teacher, and I know it works there...

Sorry for the caps above, but I feel I need to clarify the situation for some people...We are not talking about just one instance, but about a habit, in and out of the house!

nowayjosie

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Sorry again I have to disagree a HABIT of lying is "trivial".

I agree with you but can you see, but its trivial in this case regarding taking a few sweets?

We're hoping it's a phase (I have already explained it's been going on for one and a half year), but it's really not something we believe is acceptable long-term.
your right it is a phase that all teenagers all over the world go through, yes its not acceptable but its part of life and in the majority of cases its not longterm

Again, my husband was angry, and I was disappointed that my daughter repeatedly feels the need to lie EVEN WHEN SHE KNOWS SHE WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR TELLING THE TRUTH!

Was your husband angry over his sweets been taking without permission or was he angry because your child would not admit she was lying? either way its pointless in him been angry it won't solve anything it will only make matters worse.
You probably did feel disapointed but its best to just gently say to her that your disappointed that she's lying and leave it at that.

There was no commotion except a few minutes of asking the question and talking about consequences for lying on the given night, and a few tears the morning after when I asked her to explain herself r.e. the lying.

You mentioned in your first post that the next morning everyone was very upset i think you used the word " extremely" so to me thats a commotion - this too will infact feed into it and should have been forgotten about the next morning.

I have taken advice on board to relax etc, as mentioned in my last post. She is not really being punished, as explained earlier also. A lot of communication is happening all the time.

Thats excellent you'll find the whole thing can be sorted out a lot easier now and just try to keep in mind that most teenagers go on to be perfectly formed adults even if they spend a few years as teenagers lying

As for judging whether you would like to be a teen in our house, no parents are perfect, and all teens have moments when they 'hate' their parents, it's part of growing up.

Thats true too most teenages hate their parents for many years, and most of the time this too resolves itself, and most teenagers lie about stupid things during their teenage years and that too is part of growing up

I have pointed out she is extremely happy and fulfilled. In fact many many people comment on the joy (of life) that our daughters both display.
Maybe it's beside the point, but I think having high expectations and clear boundaries is good in education? I am a teacher, and I know it works there...
As i mentioned before it is very obvious that you love your daughter, and its good to have high expectations, but sometimes we have to accept our kids cant live up to all our expectations and particularly teenagers who in most cases have a hard time during their teenage years with hormones all over the place.

Forget about being a teacher when your teen is misbehaving its much better to remember that your a mother with and i quote "an extremely happy and fulfilled" child who is perfectly normal.

Sorry for the caps above, but I feel I need to clarify the situation for some people...We are not talking about just one instance, but about a habit, in and out of the house!

Again, what can i say, to me and i am a mother of 2 teenagers, your daughter will more that likely grow out of this, but in order for that to happen you both need to be more approachable, calm, supportive and above all forgiving and able to accept no one is perfect, not even you both. And loosing ones temper or being angry is not the way to get through this.

LegacyUser

Let's see what you make of this one!

I have just realised my daughter took my make-up AGAIN without asking for permission, and brought it to school with her. So I am without it to go to work! I teach adults and need to look as polished as possible...

When it has happened before several times, I asked her if she had taken it, she denied it flatly, then I would find it in her bag!
It has happened three times already, I laughed the third time it was so ridiculous, while making it clear I don't accept her taking my stuff without asking for permission (she has taken LOTS!), AND not returning it (stealing it, in other words) and I certainly don't accept her lying about it when asked nicely, saying she doesn't have it!

She can/should buy her own!

BTW I disagree with her putting on layers of foundation or powder at her age, but I can't do much about it, it's so common among her age group unfortunately.
A little lipgloss or mascara or even eyeliner is Ok though, but it's bad to cover one's whole face like that at 13! (Heavy make-up in teens, even fake tans and bleached hair in some, is not something I'm used to from my home country - France)

Should I laugh it off again?

nowayjosie

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Let's see what you make of this one!

I have just realised my daughter took my make-up AGAIN without asking for permission, and brought it to school with her. So I am without it to go to work! I teach adults and need to look as polished as possible...

When it has happened before several times, I asked her if she had taken it, she denied it flatly, then I would find it in her bag!
It has happened three times already, I laughed the third time it was so ridiculous, while making it clear I don't accept her taking my stuff without asking for permission (she has taken LOTS!), AND not returning it (stealing it, in other words) and I certainly don't accept her lying about it when asked nicely, saying she doesn't have it!

She can/should buy her own!

BTW I disagree with her putting on layers of foundation or powder at her age, but I can't do much about it, it's so common among her age group unfortunately.
A little lipgloss or mascara or even eyeliner is Ok though, but it's bad to cover one's whole face like that at 13! (Heavy make-up in teens, even fake tans and bleached hair in some, is not something I'm used to from my home country - France)

Should I laugh it off again?

In a word YES

I'm sorry i just cannot take you seriously anymore in light of your last sentence - you seem to be shocked that a teenage girl would want to wear make-up.

What do you mean your not used to this your from France, Wow, did you know besides wearing make-up in France that:--

France like all other countries have cities full of strip clubs, lapdance clubs, prostitution, violence, murder and robberies to mention a few. I don't believe a 13yr old wearing make-up tops any of the above mentioned.

Most people in Ireland would have assumed that France was a very cosmopolitan country, I'd never have guessed it would be unheard of for a 13year old to wear make-up!! WOW

Maybe the problem is that you need to grow up, I personally will not respond to any more of your posts, but i do wish you and your family the very best.

LegacyUser

I did not mean to hurt you, or diss teens with make-up, I talked about HEAVY make-up, and yes, it is true that in general, in Paris, where I come from, young teens GENERALLY do not put on HEAVY make-up, most don't at all. It's hard to believe, but it's the truth!

Anyway, I don't see why you shouldn't take the fact that she took my make-up seriously because you don't agree with my general point about HEAVY make-up.

I never said wearing make-up is a capital offense on a par or 'to top' the ones you mention. I am well aware robbery, murder etc exist in all countries!!! That is being slightly OT in my opinion, over the top and disingenuous as an argument.

Stench Blossoms

I think you're being a bit harsh nowayjosie.

The fact of the matter is; it's not about the makeup, it's not about the sweets, it's about the daughter blatantly lying. Not just lying to her parents to get out of trouble but also lying to her friends.

I don't know what advice to give to you OP, other than there was a guy I know like her and he is a complete laughing stock now (Nobody believes a word out of his mouth - you couldn't even ask him the time).

So if there is something you could do then do it. Not just brush it under the table like some people are suggesting.

LegacyUser

Thanks Stenchblossom for picking up on the real problem, I thought I was clear all along...

And yes, I feel a little hurt that even when I mentioned I'm taking some of he advice on board, I'm being fairly aggressively attacked.

I am actually afraid that her friends will find out she doesn't have the invented boyfriend, and shun her like you mentioned. We nearly shunned a 'mythomaniac' (i.e. fantasist) in our group when I was a teen as we couldn't believe a word he said...

And what about the -de facto- stealing? Any advice?

Dublinstiofán

Personally i dont think the problem here is with your daughter. All teenagers lie to get away
with things, she no different to any other. Its a phase and it usually passes.

Firstly i think its absolutely ridiculous that you would wake your daughter from her sleep
over a packet of bloody haribo. Thats just ridiculous! It makes the house sound like a
prison camp rather than a home that you 13 year old daughter cant have a few sweets
without asking you first.

I don't know the full story but it seems as if she's terrified to open her mouth from the
sounds of your post. I think your too strict on her and its had the result of making her
afraid to talk to you, about anything.

I'd be thankful that your daughter is home (where you know she's safe) and only taking
sweets from the kitchen and not out hanging around street corners and taking drugs or
drink.

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Our daughter is an extremely happy teen, with many friends and loved family, very
successful at school and in her hobbies, always very polite and pleasant to everybody.
I would have to say I'm very proud of her, except for this!

If this is the case your blowing this out of all proportion and you need to relax and take
a chill pill.

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Please advise me also on negociating with my very angry husband, I feel the
punishment he's proposing would be counter-productive!

Punish yourselves, she only took a bag of bloody sweets. Take her out to the cinema or
to an event she will really enjoy. Tell her you've had a lovely day and that she can talk
to you about anything anytime! See if she tells you the truth next time you think she's
lying.

Morag

Honestly if I was concerned that there was a chance that one of my kids was in danger of becoming a pathological liar, I would have them booked in with a dr for a referal to a child/teen therapist asap.

Wearing full make up to school at 13 is not normal, and it sounds like she needs a swift shock and you both as her parent need to enforce the rules and have consquences for when she breaks them.

nowayjosie

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

I think you're being a bit harsh nowayjosie.

The fact of the matter is; it's not about the makeup, it's not about the sweets, it's about the daughter blatantly lying. Not just lying to her parents to get out of trouble but also lying to her friends.

I don't know what advice to give to you OP, other than there was a guy I know like her and he is a complete laughing stock now (Nobody believes a word out of his mouth - you couldn't even ask him the time).

So if there is something you could do then do it. Not just brush it under the table like some people are suggesting.

Stench Blossoms,
I didnt mean to sound harsh just realistic and if you look at the all the replies you'll see everyone felt sorry for them and truly gave them sound advice but i dont think "pullingourhairout" read any of them.

They are just totally OTT and not being realistic - the father feeling very angry over missing sweets - the mother not used to a 13yr old wearing make-up with or without permission i still say its completely normal for a teenager.

LegacyUser

Dublinstiofán, did you read the whole thread? I would recommend you do before commenting off the bat...

Sharrow, you are the second or third person to recommend an appointment with the GP for a referral. I'll see how it evolves over the Winter, while implementing a slightly more relaxed attitude to rules and expectations, and see if it improves things. I know you're saying there needs to be consequences to her actions, but it hasn't worked yet.
If things don't improve, then, yes, the appointment might be necessary.

BTW, thanks for supporting me on the make-up thing, even if it's OT! I'm trying to limit the damage, but I let it slide and accept it most of the time, unless she looks like she buried her face in a pot of slap!

Morag

When you kid has been lying to you again and again and again it's the pattern of behaviour and it's not about the sweets or the make up or about who broke a cup it's about
the child's disrespect for her parent and her breaking of the rules.

If at 13 she thinks she can get away with taking things which are not hers and ignoring the rules and boundaries set down by her parents then it goes from being sweets to drink and then maybe drugs and sex and becoming a tearaway and her school work suffers and all of that can have a huge impact on her development of a person, her education and her future.

nowayjosie

Dublinstiofán wrote: »

Personally i dont think the problem here is with your daughter. All teenagers lie to get away
with things, she no different to any other. Its a phase and it usually passes.

Firstly i think its absolutely ridiculous that you would wake your daughter from her sleep
over a packet of bloody haribo. Thats just ridiculous! It makes the house sound like a
prison camp rather than a home that you 13 year old daughter cant have a few sweets
without asking you first.

I don't know the full story but it seems as if she's terrified to open her mouth from the
sounds of your post. I think your too strict on her and its had the result of making her
afraid to talk to you, about anything.

I'd be thankful that your daughter is home (where you know she's safe) and only taking
sweets from the kitchen and not out hanging around street corners and taking drugs or
drink.




If this is the case your blowing this out of all proportion and you need to relax and take
a chill pill.



[HTML][/HTML]Punish yourselves, she only took a bag of bloody sweets. Take her out to the cinema or
to an event she will really enjoy. Tell her you've had a lovely day and that she can talk
to you about anything anytime! See if she tells you the truth next time you think she's
lying.

[HTML][/HTML]
Completely agree with you Dublinstiofan,
lots of people gave excellent advice and im sure "tearingourhairout" didn't read any of the replies fully so I've decided to stop replying to "tearingourhairout" before i start tearing my own hair out!!!

LegacyUser

Actually, that's a good way to phrase it, it is exactly about the 'disrespect'. We sometimes feel she takes us for utter fools when she lies to our face while faced with evidence.

And again there, no respect for my property or my needs, she knows I have no other make-up than what she took!

Though I am hoping problems with drugs and drink are not around the corner. As for sex, it's a whole other can of worms! I'm liberal yet romantic, so it's going to be fun dealing with the aftermath of casual (maybe drunk) fumblings that could be in the future!