Teen Lying!

xxmarymoxx · 14-11-2011 3:37pm

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

I have already said we generally have a very good relationship etc. I think some posters didn't read further posts of mine....
Anyway, so you all think lying through one's teeth is fine and should be accepted?
That's fine, that's more or less what we're doing!

I have a 13 year old and would love her to raid the sweet drawer like she used to do. But she is convinced she is fat and refused to eat anything only bread or toast. Teens lie all the time. Why punish a child for eating a bag of sweets. Can only imagine what the op would do if her teenager experimented with smoking or drinking like a lot do. Its all about trust my teen tells me almost everything but as teenagers they are full of hormones and sometimes guided by their peers. As parents it is our job to guide them but also to respect their privacy as they grow into adulthood. Op sounds like you have you daughter terrified of talking to you if your husband blows a gasket over a lousy bag of sweets.

LegacyUser · 14-11-2011 3:47pm

Ok, I took already into account she might be afraid of my husband's reaction etc., but again IT'S NOT ABOUT THE SWEETS (lol, good title for a movie).
I respect her privacy, let her respect my property and generally respect me!
Anyway, I'll try to relax as I said before many times.
I'll leave it for a while and maybe update you later....

Dublinstiofán · 14-11-2011 3:53pm

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Dublinstiofán, did you read the whole thread? I would recommend you do before commenting off the bat...

I read the first post but thats all i needed to tell you what you didn't want to hear but needed to hear regardless.

ppink · 14-11-2011 4:12pm

Reading everything there are some simple facts to this:

1. Your daughter lies
2. You are unhappy with her lying
3. She is unhappy with the lying
4. she happens to be a teenager.

so if you see a councillor they can:

a) tell you to ease up on her, she is afraid and a teenager and they all lie
or
b) your daughter has some problems that may need some help.

either way I see it as a win win. Someone on the outside can look at both sides and make an assessment........far better than anyone on the internet!

nowayjosie · 14-11-2011 4:46pm

ppink wrote: »

Reading everything there are some simple facts to this:

1. Your daughter lies
2. You are unhappy with her lying
3. She is unhappy with the lying
4. she happens to be a teenager.

so if you see a councillor they can:

a) tell you to ease up on her, she is afraid and a teenager and they all lie
or
b) your daughter has some problems that may need some help.

either way I see it as a win win. Someone on the outside can look at both sides and make an assessment........far better than anyone on the internet!

Hello ppink,
I agree with what you suggest but unless "tearingourhairout" is willing to listen, learn and be flexible and above all a whole lot more realistic (high expectations etc...) then no-one will be able to help. A huge range of replies with really good advice was given and just ignored. Maybe paying for the same advice will help them to listen.

LegacyUser · 14-11-2011 5:08pm

How can you say I've ignored the advice when I have repeatedly said
1. She was not punished
2. We will try to relax and be less demanding regarding those expectations
3. I realise my husband might frighten her sometimes
4. We have kept communicating.
Have I said these or not?
BTW you still didn't address the 'stealing', but I feel my last few posts are just ignored...
I'm out of here.

Stench Blossoms · 14-11-2011 5:13pm

xxmarymoxx wrote: »

I have a 13 year old and would love her to raid the sweet drawer like she used to do. But she is convinced she is fat and refused to eat anything only bread or toast. Teens lie all the time. Why punish a child for eating a bag of sweets. Can only imagine what the op would do if her teenager experimented with smoking or drinking like a lot do. Its all about trust my teen tells me almost everything but as teenagers they are full of hormones and sometimes guided by their peers. As parents it is our job to guide them but also to respect their privacy as they grow into adulthood. Op sounds like you have you daughter terrified of talking to you if your husband blows a gasket over a lousy bag of sweets.

It's not about a bag of sweets!!!!!!!

nowayjosie wrote: »

Stench Blossoms,
I didnt mean to sound harsh just realistic and if you look at the all the replies you'll see everyone felt sorry for them and truly gave them sound advice but i dont think "pullingourhairout" read any of them.

They are just totally OTT and not being realistic - the father feeling very angry over missing sweets - the mother not used to a 13yr old wearing make-up with or without permission i still say its completely normal for a teenager.

Again it's not about the sweets or the makeup.

If the daughter went out with two odd shoes on and then when the parents questioned them why they said 'I didn't' would you think that was normal?

al28283 · 14-11-2011 5:15pm

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

It's not about a bag of sweets!!!!!!!

It is really, to the kid. Its about the sweets and the makeup and everything else that makes the OP and her husband lose it, only then does it become about the lies

nowayjosie · 14-11-2011 5:33pm

Again it's not about the sweets or the makeup.

If the daughter went out with two odd shoes on and then when the parents questioned them why they said 'I didn't' would you think that was normal?[/QUOTE]

Stench Blossoms the majority of teenagers tell lies, i see where your coming from but ----the thing is she didn't wear odd shoes and deny it, the child took a few haribo sweets and went to bed denying all knowledge and her father lost his temper and felt very angry that his sweets were gone so much so that this continued the next morning!!!!, she has since proceeded to take some make-up!!! and the mother feels she needs a councillor ---they are giving her so much negative attention she is probably enjoying it all, like we all did when we wound our parents up!!! I clearly remember telling a few lies as have my kids.

Stench Blossoms · 14-11-2011 5:38pm

[QUOTE=nowayjosie;75469243Stench Blossoms the majority of teenagers tell lies, i see where your coming from but ----the thing is she didn't wear odd shoes and deny it, the child took a few haribo sweets and went to bed denying all knowledge and her father lost his temper and felt very angry that his sweets were gone so much so that this continued the next morning!!!!, she has since proceeded to take some make-up!!! and the mother feels she needs a councillor ---they are giving her so much negative attention she is probably enjoying it all, like we all did when we wound our parents up!!! I clearly remember telling a few lies as have my kids.[/QUOTE]

Well I disagree with you. I agree that teenagers tell lies but these are only
two incidents we know about.

Obviously there are lots more if the mother felt the need to ask for help about it.

nowayjosie · 14-11-2011 5:43pm

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

Well I disagree with you. I agree that teenagers tell lies but these are only
two incidents we know about.

Obviously there are lots more if the mother felt the need to ask for help about it.

Hard as it may be to believe most normal teenagers tell more than 2 lies throughout their teenage years.

Yes the mother asked for help - but she also asked for help in Negotiating with her angry husband who she felt was counter productive.

Grounding her child for being normal will not help the child, her husband needs some anger management classes and both would benefit from extra parenting skills.

Stench Blossoms · 14-11-2011 5:46pm

nowayjosie wrote: »

Hard as it may be to believe most normal teenagers tell more than 2 lies throughout their teenage years.

And hard as it may be to believe some parents worry that their kids are showing undesirable behavioural traits and look for help. They don't need to be ridiculed.

Wouldn't it be horrible in years to come if the daughter had no friends etc because of her behaviour and the parents look back and say 'oh well someone told us it was normal behaviour for a teen'.

nowayjosie · 14-11-2011 5:59pm

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

And hard as it may be to believe some parents worry that their kids are showing undesirable behavioural traits and look for help. They don't need to be ridiculed.

Wouldn't it be horrible in years to come if the daughter had no friends etc because of her behaviour and the parents look back and say 'oh well someone told us it was normal behaviour for a teen'.

I agree with some of what you say, all im saying is teenagers tell lies - thats a fact. Why do you feel im ridiculing the parents please read prior replies and advice i posted - saying that the parents need to realise that teenagers lie all the time is not ridiculing them, she asked also for help with her husband who becomes very angry and counter productive (these are her words not mine) i suggested anger management classes this is not ridiculing them - this is replying them I think thats what this forum is all about, responding to posts with positive suggestions ????

ppink · 14-11-2011 6:31pm

I think your posts are very strong nowayjosie.
From my view I see the OP is at the end of her tether with this lying business, and I bet she is sorry she ever mentioned those sweets too!!

It was never about the actual item but about lies upon lies and denials..and whether it is sweets, fake boyfriends, makeup or whatever does not matter.
she is right to be concerned if the daughters friends discover she "invented" a boyfriend they can make her life a real pain. there is a reason she feels she has to do this and I would be getting to the bottom of that to help her.
you are right teens do lie/fib at some stage but I know none (except the one from my first post) who would keep up that lie when faced with the facts.

scenario:
"you went to a pub last night"
"I did not"
"you did"
"I didn't"
"I saw you there"
"Well you never let me do anything........and ALL my friends were there"

I have 15 nieces and nephews who are teenagers and I would have the inside line on a lot of the lies and I know for a fact that when caught they own up.

We probably all know people who were in London working at 13/14 years old, I doubt for one second if they were lying constantly or they would have had no jobs to go to!

Daisy M · 14-11-2011 6:43pm

To me this thread has became divided into two camps where people either think the parents are over reacting and the teen is behaving like teens do or that the teen has serious issues and needs professional help. I personally dont think its as cut and dried as that. I dont think the teen should take things especially money personal belongings without permission and she shouldnt be lying all the time, nor do I think that the parents should react so strongly or for such a lengthy duration. A change of tactics is what is needed.

Op firstly I am sorry that you are feeling hurt right now by some of our comments, thats not helpful to your situation. Try and see the advice as constructive critism rather than personal insults,I doubt anyone here has any interest in making you upset they are just trying to give you their opinion. Firstly sit down with your husband and decide what lies/behaviour ye are willing to turn a blind eye to and what ye feel needs to be adressed. Decide on a what to do if she continues to flout your rules, and stick with it personally I think stopping her going to one activity should be enough not a week or two of grounding. I would then sit down with your daughter in a nonconfrontational manner and tell her the slate has been wiped clean all past lies ect are behind ye and ye are starting off afresh. Let her know if she takes money/posessions (not sweets) that she will not be allowed to go to whatever activity/outing comes up next for her. So next time she lies/whatever, there will be no need to harp on about it continuously, you just need to say you do know your not going to ......... tomorrow end of. It will take a while but I believe she will learn.

It is coming across in your posts that your husband is resentful of bringing her places and thats not fair on her she may be feeling that everywhere she wants to go is begrudged which in turn could be contributing to her behaviour. All parents I know end up bringing their kids a few places each week its normal he does need to lighten up or perhaps you could do half the chauffering.

If you learn your daughter is lying to her friends dont make a huge deal of it, let her know what could happen if she is caught out and leave it at that, its hard I know but she needs to learn by her own mistakes too, you cant live her life for her.
Best of luck op I hope this works out for you and would like to hear of any update you have on this in a couple of months.

nowayjosie · 14-11-2011 6:51pm

ppink wrote: »

I think your posts are very strong nowayjosie.
From my view I see the OP is at the end of her tether with this lying business, and I bet she is sorry she ever mentioned those sweets too!!

It was never about the actual item but about lies upon lies and denials..and whether it is sweets, fake boyfriends, makeup or whatever does not matter.
she is right to be concerned if the daughters friends discover she "invented" a boyfriend they can make her life a real pain. there is a reason she feels she has to do this and I would be getting to the bottom of that to help her.
you are right teens do lie/fib at some stage but I know none (except the one from my first post) who would keep up that lie when faced with the facts.

scenario:
"you went to a pub last night"
"I did not"
"you did"
"I didn't"
"I saw you there"
"Well you never let me do anything........and ALL my friends were there"

I have 15 nieces and nephews who are teenagers and I would have the inside line on a lot of the lies and I know for a fact that when caught they own up.

We probably all know people who were in London working at 13/14 years old, I doubt for one second if they were lying constantly or they would have had no jobs to go to!

You think my posts are very strong - im not sure is that good or bad the last person posted that i ridiculed the parents - sorry folks please read my posts - i and others posted very positive sound advice to "tearingourhairout" and as i mentioned, thats what the forum is about, yes my opinion is different to yours - but thats ok - im allowed that. and in my opinion teenagers do lie and steal and do a lot worse.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-11-2011 6:55pm

I've read most of the replies, but not all, so apologies if I repeat something another posters has said...

But your big question seems to be "Why is she lying?". Why is she lying about trivial things / to her friends etc.

My opinion... teenagers get embarrassed... about almost everything. And things that seem trivial to an adult mind can be absolutely mortifying for a young teen. She was embarrassed about plucking her eyebrows.. and you made it worse by drawing attention to it, and then laughing about it. She was mortified and knew you were taking the piss.. you should have known to not comment!

Lying to her friends about boyfriends? You say, she is gorgeous and has plenty of admirers... SHE'S 13! Maybe she doesn't want admirers, or doesn't want to be seen as "available" to these suitors! Because then the pressure would be on her to maybe go out with one of them, and maybe she's not ready.. and very embarrassed!

She took a packet of sweets. She knew she was wrong. But was then too embarrassed to admit it. And the more you pushed her, the more embarrassed she became.. and that's why she "couldn't say the words".

Your 10 year old will own up. She's obviously a different personality, and doesn't embarrass as easily as her sister. She also hasn't reached the very embarrassing age of 13, yet, where everything starts to get a bit more tricky!

Acknowledge that your daughter is at an embarrassing phase of her life and that she will get embarrassed very easily.. and go a bit easier on her.

If you're embarrassed by something, the more someone goes on about it, the worse you get.

I don't think it will cause any lasting damage.. but maybe let her get away with a few insignificant things, like plucking her eyebrows and lying about boyfriends, and in time she'll start becoming more confident in herself, and won't feel the need to lie as much to hide her embarrassment.

Justask · 14-11-2011 8:03pm

Ok OP now this is JMO

But I can see that you are getting frustrated with posters bringing up the 'SWEETS' all the time and I get that. Its more about why she is lying and from what i take from it she is doing this to get attention and a reaction. Ok let take the make up for example... she took it you spend 10 mins asking her she denies it. Then later on you confront her again MORE ATTENTION... Shes gettig a reaction from Dad to with anger. Sometimes teens dont care if its good or bad attention once its attention.

What did stick out to me is that you/or dad have stopped bringing her to basketball...Why???? lets say this is a 10 min drive its time with her. I just think stopping bringing kids to their after school activetis is a bad idea. They can talk to you with having to 'Look you in the eye'

I see those signs on cars 'Mums Taxi' Thats what we are.

Also the make up thing I KNOW thats not the issue but maybe a day in town for HER just mum and daughter to go make up shooping together (i know I robbed my mums make up and still do

) the make up thing is something you will have to get used to.

You also said she sees her sister telling the truth and doesnt get into trouble, im not saying you do, but dont ever say 'Look your sister doesnt lie'

Teens are frustrating little people but thats what make them

Good luck

Lola92 · 14-11-2011 9:17pm

OP I have read through this whole thread and I am beginning to feel really frustrated for you. Many posters have said things along the lines of ' oh they're just sweets' and 'all teenagers lie sometimes'- these are both true statements, BUT that is not the point at all!

The sweets/make up etc are not a huge problem as of themselves but IMO they are symbolic of the lack of respect and consideration that she has shown for her parents and the boundries that they have set.

She needs to learn that lying about things is just not acceptable, that it will get her in more trouble in the long run that just admitting it if/when she has done something wrong. I can understand that when she gets caught out she may feel embarrassed and perhaps doesn't want to admit it then, but she needs to learn that being honest is more important than trying (and obviously failing) to save face.

As for taking the mothers make up I would not tolerate that at all. IMO it is inappropriate for a girl who is 13 (most likely just out of primary school) to be wearing full make up, whatever about a small amount of lip gloss or eye liner.

She needs to be taught that she can not take things without consequences, if she wants to buy some make up of her own then she should save her pocket money and buy it. I am a firm believer that children should EARN their treats and privileges or else they will never know the value of anything.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-11-2011 11:02pm

I don't think it even goes as deep as lack of respect and consideration.. she's 13. At that age kids are all consumed with themselves. Anything that happens in their life is about them!

If parents row, about anything, they will bring it back to themselves. If one of their friends is having an "off" day, they will spend the day trying to figure out what they've done to upset them.

Their world is just them...!

So the taking of makeup, while to an adult can be seen as lack of respect etc, for a 13 year old, she's taking something that she wants, but is too embarrassed to ask for, and thinks it won't really matter if she gets it back before it's noticed.

I also don't think it's a case of her knowing its the only makeup you have... I don't think that would have even crossed her mind!

I'm not suggesting that you ignore all these instances and wait for the phase to pass, but I think you need to start making allowances sometimes, and changing the way you handle her now. Because clearly what may have worked when she was younger, is not having the same affect on an hormonal teen!

nowayjosie · 15-11-2011 1:08am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't think it even goes as deep as lack of respect and consideration.. she's 13. At that age kids are all consumed with themselves. Anything that happens in their life is about them!

If parents row, about anything, they will bring it back to themselves. If one of their friends is having an "off" day, they will spend the day trying to figure out what they've done to upset them.

Their world is just them...!

So the taking of makeup, while to an adult can be seen as lack of respect etc, for a 13 year old, she's taking something that she wants, but is too embarrassed to ask for, and thinks it won't really matter if she gets it back before it's noticed.

I also don't think it's a case of her knowing its the only makeup you have... I don't think that would have even crossed her mind!

I'm not suggesting that you ignore all these instances and wait for the phase to pass, but I think you need to start making allowances sometimes, and changing the way you handle her now. Because clearly what may have worked when she was younger, is not having the same affect on an hormonal teen!

I suggested much earlier that if the parents expressed their disappointment in the lying or taking of things and to do so firmly then just leave it at that rather than continue with it again the next morning as this teenager may just be doing it for attention anything would be better than the loosing of tempers and the threats of punishments which clearly is not working for them and will eventually push their daughter further away. I also suggest that the parents relax a little their post said they are strict, this just fuels a teenager into misbehaving.

LegacyUser · 15-11-2011 9:36am

Guys, I am quite upset again, on the verge of tears in the empty house....

Yesterday evening, my daughter denied when I asked her (very calmly and as a side point relating to going to work) taking my make-up to school, saying she had left it in her bedroom. Outright lie, as I found out this morning, as it was in her bag.

Then this morning, when I went looking for my fiver for bus money, it was missing. She had taking it without asking or getting permission. It's the second or third time she's taken money from my wallet. Do I have to start hiding it?

Again she denied, even though neither of us shouted or got angry. When she was asked to apologise, she smirked a sarcastic Sorry'. Only really owed up a few minutes ago by text from the bus after me asking her again.

Now my husband has to cancel his music rehearsals to bring her and get her from choir this evening, as we are not letting her go to her friend because of this. I am teaching at that time.

Again, the money (nor the make-up) is not that important, but for goodness' sake, she's thirteen and rifling through all my stuff! If I had more, would she take it? \
And she denies, denies, denies....Even Sean Gallagher owed up when faced with the evidence, lol.

When I asked her how she thinks she can change her behavior, she said the question was too hard for her to answer...And what we do does not work, either kindness or strictness.

I think we might need professional help after all!

LegacyUser · 15-11-2011 9:54am

Well now I have found out she can express herself better by text. Maybe she's less embarrassed, less put out....

So I got her to promise in her own words to "stop lying and stealing"! The deal is she can go to her friend tonight before choir as she had planned.

I know from experience words are cheap though. It might not work a day, it didn't before, but we live in hope! And I couldn't face another day of sadness and disappointment.

cynder · 15-11-2011 10:52am

Lola92 wrote: »

OP

As for taking the mothers make up I would not tolerate that at all. IMO it is inappropriate for a girl who is 13 (most likely just out of primary school) to be wearing full make up, whatever about a small amount of lip gloss or eye liner.

She needs to be taught that she can not take things without consequences, if she wants to buy some make up of her own then she should save her pocket money and buy it. I am a firm believer that children should EARN their treats and privileges or else they will never know the value of anything.

Come on!

My lady was nicking my make up at 10/11 so for her 12th birthday i got her 150 euros worth of make up (there were special offers on i paid €80) the full works loreal foundation, loreal lipsticks and lip gloss, 17 eye liner and lipsticks , loreal mascara, bon bon and loreal eye shadows, 17 cheek and eyeshadow pallet. Now she no longer nicks my make up, (i nick hers).

I bought the make up so i could control how she wares it, all are neutral colours, and she looks very natural with it on. she wears it to school and is in 6th class, and she found out she can wear it at secondary school too. When i was growing up i couldn't wear make up until i was 14 and then it was just lipstick and the full works at 16, i had no one to practise on but i recon i did a good job. Funny i rarely wear make up now. I used to used my moms make up, with her permission.

Its all about looks at that age, they want to look good, pretty. I would suggest to the mom to go out and buy the daughter her own make up and let the daughter practise on her (great bonding over make up for mom and daughter) my 12 year old does my make up now and then and she does her own and it always looks good, if she puts on too much eye liner i make her clean it off and do offer her better tips to apply her make up. My mom is sending her over 4 lipsticks, mascara, eye palette and eye liners from avon for xmas, and they cost £19.80 oh and a pair of soccer boots, yes she wears make up to go play soccer, she wont leave the house without mascara. She has enviable eyelashes

big thick long lashes and woman would want, also full lips perfect face for make up.

Some of the girls in 6th class wear make up others are not yet allowed, i dont see it as any big deal, if she was plastered in it they yes i wouldn't allow her out of the house, but she doesnt like the fake look.

Morag · 15-11-2011 11:01am

You spent 80 euro on make up for a 12 year old? :eek:

cynder · 15-11-2011 11:08am

Sharrow wrote: »

You spent 80 euro on make up for a 12 year old? :eek:

I wasnt going to get her dunnes make up:eek: that would ruin her skin.... eeewwww.

It was her 12th birthday , she got makeup, a nokia coolpix 3100s camera and a week away at an adventure centre.

Lola92 · 15-11-2011 11:16am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't think it even goes as deep as lack of respect and consideration.. she's 13. At that age kids are all consumed with themselves. Anything that happens in their life is about them!

If parents row, about anything, they will bring it back to themselves. If one of their friends is having an "off" day, they will spend the day trying to figure out what they've done to upset them.

Their world is just them...!

I agree that teenagers are often self-centred, but they need to learn respect and consideration for others. This is a process and won't happen over night obviously but you have to start somewhere! IMO children thrive on clear cut boundries, and they need to learn respect for the boundries that their parents set!

nowayjosie wrote: »

I suggested much earlier that if the parents expressed their disappointment in the lying or taking of things and to do so firmly then just leave it at that rather than continue with it again the next morning as this teenager may just be doing it for attention anything would be better than the loosing of tempers and the threats of punishments which clearly is not working for them and will eventually push their daughter further away. I also suggest that the parents relax a little their post said they are strict, this just fuels a teenager into misbehaving.

I do agree with this point, the dicipline should not be carried over. If you have another incident like this you should deal with it at the time and not bring the issues in to the next day. If you set a punishment/consequence then follow it through and don't go discussing it and going back over it the whole time. Let it be.

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Well now I have found out she can express herself better by text. Maybe she's less embarrassed, less put out....

So I got her to promise in her own words to "stop lying and stealing"! The deal is she can go to her friend tonight before choir as she had planned.

I know from experience words are cheap though. It might not work a day, it didn't before, but we live in hope! And I couldn't face another day of sadness and disappointment.

Maybe then this is a mode of communication that can work for you? How about putting up a note board where she can leave you letters/messages until she feels comfortable enough to communicate these things to you face to face?

grindelwald wrote: »

Come on!

My lady was nicking my make up at 10/11 so for her 12th birthday i got her 150 euros worth of make up (there were special offers on i paid €80) the full works loreal foundation, loreal lipsticks and lip gloss, 17 eye liner and lipsticks , loreal mascara, bon bon and loreal eye shadows, 17 cheek and eyeshadow pallet. Now she no longer nicks my make up, (i nick hers).

I bought the make up so i could control how she wares it, all are neutral colours, and she looks very natural with it on. she wears it to school and is in 6th class, and she found out she can wear it at secondary school too. When i was growing up i couldn't wear make up until i was 14 and then it was just lipstick and the full works at 16, i had no one to practise on but i recon i did a good job. Funny i rarely wear make up now. I used to used my moms make up, with her permission.

Its all about looks at that age, they want to look good, pretty. I would suggest to the mom to go out and buy the daughter her own make up and let the daughter practise on her (great bonding over make up for mom and daughter) my 12 year old does my make up now and then and she does her own and it always looks good, if she puts on too much eye liner i make her clean it off and do offer her better tips to apply her make up. My mom is sending her over 4 lipsticks, mascara, eye palette and eye liners from avon for xmas, and they cost £19.80 oh and a pair of soccer boots, yes she wears make up to go play soccer, she wont leave the house without mascara. She has enviable eyelashes big thick long lashes and woman would want, also full lips perfect face for make up.

Some of the girls in 6th class wear make up others are not yet allowed, i dont see it as any big deal, if she was plastered in it they yes i wouldn't allow her out of the house, but she doesnt like the fake look.

Grindelwald that is your take on it, fair enough. Personally I don't agree with it at all but that is a whole other topic. A make over session AT HOME between a mother/daughter/sister/friends is one thing but wearing a full face of make up on a day to day basis at that age for me is a big no-no. Being 'all about appearance' at that age is definitely not a good thing IMO and make up at that age should be the exception, not the norm.

cynder · 15-11-2011 11:16am

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Well now I have found out she can express herself better by text. Maybe she's less embarrassed, less put out....

So I got her to promise in her own words to "stop lying and stealing"! The deal is she can go to her friend tonight before choir as she had planned.

I know from experience words are cheap though. It might not work a day, it didn't before, but we live in hope! And I couldn't face another day of sadness and disappointment.

She is going to lie again, everyone lies.

It really depends on the lie, a lie to protect ones self or another in my books is a little lie, however a lie to get someone else into trouble is a big lie. I can let small lies pass but not big ones (thankfully ive not found out any big lies). You can talk about little lies and find a way round them however big lies you cant.

Does you girl have pocket money? The 5 euro missing from your wallet what would she want to buy with it? if you know what she wants with it you can tackle the steeling of it. Is she taking it to buy sweets? is she taking it to buy towels ect... if its to buy something personal she might not feel like asking for the money, (she should but may be to embarrassed) however if its just for sweets it needs to be dealt with differently.

Oh the sarcastic tone is there with most teens, you are not alone with that one....

My daughter went through a phase of taking money form my wallet about 2 years ago (she was around 10) and it was for silly things like sweets, however she was diabetic, i talked to her and it stopped. now my 4 year old is taking money from my wallet but that is to put in his own walllet and not to spend it, just so he can feel a little grown up.

Just on a note, im a taxi too, have to take her to/from school and my sons to and from school, have to take her to soccer on Wednesdays horse riding on Fridays the boys go to soccer and taekwondo and then there are visits to friends houses and so on... all part of being a parent....

Daisy M · 15-11-2011 11:16am

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Guys, I am quite upset again, on the verge of tears in the empty house....

Yesterday evening, my daughter denied when I asked her (very calmly and as a side point relating to going to work) taking my make-up to school, saying she had left it in her bedroom. Outright lie, as I found out this morning, as it was in her bag.

Then this morning, when I went looking for my fiver for bus money, it was missing. She had taking it without asking or getting permission. It's the second or third time she's taken money from my wallet. Do I have to start hiding it?

Again she denied, even though neither of us shouted or got angry. When she was asked to apologise, she smirked a sarcastic Sorry'. Only really owed up a few minutes ago by text from the bus after me asking her again.

Now my husband has to cancel his music rehearsals to bring her and get her from choir this evening, as we are not letting her go to her friend because of this. I am teaching at that time.

Again, the money (nor the make-up) is not that important, but for goodness' sake, she's thirteen and rifling through all my stuff! If I had more, would she take it? \
And she denies, denies, denies....Even Sean Gallagher owed up when faced with the evidence, lol.

When I asked her how she thinks she can change her behavior, she said the question was too hard for her to answer...And what we do does not work, either kindness or strictness.

I think we might need professional help after all!

Tearingourhairout wrote: »

Well now I have found out she can express herself better by text. Maybe she's less embarrassed, less put out....

So I got her to promise in her own words to "stop lying and stealing"! The deal is she can go to her friend tonight before choir as she had planned.

I know from experience words are cheap though. It might not work a day, it didn't before, but we live in hope! And I couldn't face another day of sadness and disappointment.

You really are going through the mill with her, I understand how upset you are feeling and I feel really sorry for you. She should NOT be taking money from your purse no way, if my kids need money they ask and I will open my purse and give it to them.

You shouldnt have to hide your purse or makeup but for now I would just to show her she cant have everything her own way. I will admit at first I thought you were over reacting but your recent two posts are changing my mind. There is no way I would have let her go to her friends house this eve. If she were my daughter I would let her know the next time she leaves the house taking anyone elses belongings with her, I would follow her to whereever she was be it school/friends house and I would ask her to return my belongings. And I WOULD follow through. I could turn a blind eye to silly stupid lies but taking money and belongings is different.

cynder · 15-11-2011 11:26am

Lola92 wrote: »

Grindelwald that is your take on it, fair enough. Personally I don't agree with it at all but that is a whole other topic. A make over session AT HOME between a mother/daughter/sister/friends is one thing but wearing a full face of make up on a day to day basis at that age for me is a big no-no. Being 'all about appearance' at that age is definitely not a good thing IMO and make up at that age should be the exception, not the norm.

Who says its not the norm? What is the norm? In no way is my lady an exception when others in her school wear make up! Many in secondary school wear make up, 1st years included. It depends on her humour some days she doesnt wear full make up just mascara. Least she no longer nicks my make up

It really depends on the parents take on things, ive said im chilled out, but that doesnt mean i let her run wild, there are boundaries, mine are a little wider than some and a little tighter than others.

I have a child a similar age so i know where the child is coming from. As i said she doesnt go out plastered in it. She has the full works but it doesnt mean she will wear the full works. I gave a little she she is not taking advantage of it. A good compromise. We have had no issues with the school over the make up that she wears, if it was deemed that bad that exceptional we would have been contacted.

Perhaps the OP can reach a compromise!

Teen Lying!

Comments