Teen Lying!

Lola92

grindelwald wrote: »

Who says its not the norm? What is the norm? In no way is my lady an exception when others in her school wear make up! Many in secondary school wear make up, 1st years included. It depends on her humour some days she doesnt wear full make up just mascara. Least she no longer nicks my make up

It really depends on the parents take on things, ive said im chilled out, but that doesnt mean i let her run wild, there are boundaries, mine are a little wider than some and a little tighter than others.

I have a child a similar age so i know where the child is coming from. As i said she doesnt go out plastered in it. She has the full works but it doesnt mean she will wear the full works. I gave a little she she is not taking advantage of it. A good compromise. We have had no issues with the school over the make up that she wears, if it was deemed that bad that exceptional we would have been contacted.

Perhaps the OP can reach a compromise!

I think that a day that a young teen wears make up like that should be the exception - a party or other celebration, not for normal wear on a daily basis. You have found an arrangement that works for your family, which is the main thing. I just happen to disagree with it personally. Maybe the OP allows her child to wear make up, I do not know.

The real issue here is trying to get the girl to communicate honestly with her parents, whatever medium it might be through, and for her to earn that trust back from her parents.

cynder

Lola92 wrote: »

The real issue here is trying to get the girl to communicate honestly with her parents, whatever medium it might be through, and for her to earn that trust back from her parents.

Compromise! If they talk and they reach a compromise the girl wouldn't have to steel moms make up, IF she had her own. The wallet thing is a bit different but if they could talk to her and find out what she wants the money for, then it can be talked about and maybe a solution can be found. You cant talk when someone loses their head, things get very heated then.

The days of 'You do as i say and not as i do' have long gone. communication is the only key and the kid isn't going to communicate with them if there on her case all the time. Give a little and take a little.

All kids/teens/adults lie. She is never going to communicate 100% truthfully when its not in human nature to be 100% truthful. I was over at my inlaws the other day and they said only now is my husband telling them what he got up to as a teen, i can tell that that is most certainly the case with 99% of people out there. Same with me and my parents. Have realistic expectations..... Of course a child is going to lie when they think they are going to get into trouble. Talk about it, dont lose the head, dont be confrontational stay calm, relaxed, sit at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, give your daughter one to and try and work on a solution with your daughter rather than, this is my house you do what your told..... Try and see it from her point of view rather than your own.

nowayjosie

grindelwald wrote: »

She is going to lie again, everyone lies.

It really depends on the lie, a lie to protect ones self or another in my books is a little lie, however a lie to get someone else into trouble is a big lie. I can let small lies pass but not big ones (thankfully ive not found out any big lies). You can talk about little lies and find a way round them however big lies you cant.

Does you girl have pocket money? The 5 euro missing from your wallet what would she want to buy with it? if you know what she wants with it you can tackle the steeling of it. Is she taking it to buy sweets? is she taking it to buy towels ect... if its to buy something personal she might not feel like asking for the money, (she should but may be to embarrassed) however if its just for sweets it needs to be dealt with differently.

Oh the sarcastic tone is there with most teens, you are not alone with that one....

Just on a note, im a taxi too, have to take her to/from school and my sons to and from school, have to take her to soccer on Wednesdays horse riding on Fridays the boys go to soccer and taekwondo and then there are visits to friends houses and so on... all part of being a parent....

Your so right it does depend on the lie, the silly stuff should be ignored thats what most reasonable parents would do, more serious lies dealt with firmly and if warned of a punishment then carried through, then move on and forget it not keep it going 24hrs later, also ferrying kids from place to place is part of being a parent and most parents feel happy to do this knowing their child has arrived to her/his destination safely and will be collected etc..., and the sarcasim all normal for a teenager.

The main thing is for the child to feel at ease asking for money or sweets or make up!!!!!!!!!!

cynder

nowayjosie wrote: »

Your so right it does depend on the lie, the silly stuff should be ignored thats what most reasonable parents would do, more serious lies dealt with firmly and if warned of a punishment then carried through, then move on and forget it not keep it going 24hrs later, also ferrying kids from place to place is part of being a parent and most parents feel happy to do this knowing their child has arrived to her/his destination safely and will be collected etc..., and the sarcasim all normal for a teenager.

The main thing is for the child to feel at ease asking for money or sweets or make up!!!!!!!!!!

I remember when i was a young teen and i would say stuff like HOW CAN I EAT WITH MY MOUTH CLOSED thinking it was way cool, i got one over my mom and dad, now my daughter says that to me and i have to laugh.....

nowayjosie

grindelwald wrote: »

I remember when i was a young teen and i would say stuff like HOW CAN I EAT WITH MY MOUTH CLOSED thinking it was way cool, i got one over my mom and dad, now my daughter says that to me and i have to laugh.....

Yes as thats what teenagers do! simply as that, and iv never heard of any teenager who hasn't told lies, took sweets or money and denied it. Look back over the first few posts from "tearingourhairout" the situation she describes in the home seems to be overwrouth, and even the next morning the family were wound up to an "extreme" level, over something silly, even if it for something more serious there's never a right time for adults to loose control of keeping the home environment relaxed, otherwise no teenager is going to communicate and be honest if they know there's going to be a commotion.

LegacyUser

I've already said that there is a lot of communication, it's not like she thinks she cannot ask me for a fiver BTW! I know it's for her bus and probably sweets, but she should have asked or told me she was taking it, rather than giving me the shock of not finding my money, and then again denying until she's blue in the face, though I asked her nicely and told her it wasn't a big deal at all. She has done it before with 10 €, I don't know what that was for though...
She was only able to tell the truth by text....

It's all normal, stealing from parents, lying constantly, being disrespectful, etc, and we are all told we should understand it and accept it as far as possible, trust them by giving them full freedom, until one day you find your young teenager slumped unconscious from drinking, or giving b....-j..... for the lads in the disco, and you wonder how did it all go wrong? Both examples have happened to parents I know. Don't tell me please it's a necessary part of adolescence, it's not!
(I'm not against drinking per se BTW, I've been following that other thread with interest).

I'm not saying it's necessarily a slippery slope, I'm not saying it goes from one to the other, but I think we can be too accepting of misbehavior for the sake of a 'happy quiet home life'. I see it very much in my neighbouhood, where some children are up at any time of the night, curse at strangers etc, one reason being that the parents are too lazy to do anything about it, or afraid of confrontation.

Besides, (reasonable) conflict is character-building Sometimes the foot has to be put down, and yet the difficulty is in not alienating the kid and keeping communication at all times.

My daughter might be better verbalising her feelings in the written form, she loves writing and is quite gifted for it, whereas I find her orally less cogent. (Though the texting exchange there was more of the 'yeah...' type! )

So I'm going to see how it goes with informal texts, and maybe making a written promise of a change of behavior, or consequences will apply (cancel Social Websites account, grounding etc).

LegacyUser

"even the next morning the family were wound up to an "extreme" level"....
If it was not clear, we were wound up because it's been ONE YEAR AND A HALF our daughter is lying to us constantly, about all types of things, from the serious to the ridiculous.

It's the constancy, the HABITUAL nature of this behavior which worries us. And it has little to do with our reactions to it, as we have gone from the understanding to the strict response, and back again...
We've tried nearly everything within normal bounds, and maybe, as I was saying in an earlier post this morning, the 'texting talk' will help.

There is a great sense of loss actually when your adorable daughter becomes this strange being who can't control her lying or stealing, and doesn't know why herself. She doesn't accuse us of being strict and angry etc by the way, as many here are doing. I think she even understand our frustration. She must feel like Dr Jekill and Mr Hyde, (which she loved!) with no control over this personality within her...

Hope she won't hearing voices or transforming into the Incredible Teen Monster next! (I'm only joking by the way!)

OT: When is this eagerly awaited Teen forum appearing?

January

When/if the admins approve it. On that note, this thread is beginning to be dragged off topic. Thread closed