Book opening

CreativeChris

Hey guys,

I'm a first time poster here so please, be gentle! :P

Anyway, I have a story idea about a man who is toying with the idea of visiting an escort due to his lack of luck with the ladies. I've written the intro to the book and was wondering if ou guys could take a look and give me some feedback.

Thanks guys!


I’m not sure why but I always get nervous when waiting for someone to answer they’re phone. Maybe it’s because the ringtone reminds me of the music from “Jaws” (ring, ring.....ring, ring....ring, ring..ring, ring..ring, ring...”hello?!”) and acts as a tension building device? My train of thought stops moving along when an exotic accent breaks the tension. “Hello?” it asks inquisitively. I swallow and reply in my best manly man voice. “Hi, its Ronan. I’m just outside Londis.” “Great. Now cross the road and go to the apartment building beside Flaherty’s bar. When you get there, type in number 43 and I will let you in. I look forward to seeing you!”. “Eh, me too” I respond nervously.

As the line goes dead my heart roars into life and starts beating frantically. It honestly feels like the bloody thing is going to pop out of my chest, ala “Alien”. I drop my phone back into my pocket and wipe the growing sweatiness from my palms onto my jeans and start walking. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience as I don’t seem to be in control of my actions. Everything seems to be operating on auto pilot.

Next thing I know I’m standing outside the apartment block I was told to go to. The building is completely unremarkable and looks identical to almost every other inner city apartment building you can think of. However, something is different. Very different. I’m overcome with a feeling not unlike the one you experience before your first day at a new school or a new job. A feeling of complete ignorance and fear, offset with a hint of excitement. But this is no first day at school or work. This is very different. Once I type in the number 43, hear that horrible “buzz” noise that lets you know you’re free to enter the building and make my way to apartment 43, I’m going to be entering a whole new world. A world of forbidden fruits. A world where your every fantasy will be brought to life. A world many never dream of entering for fear of being branded. A world from which there may be no escaping from.
“You know you want to do this Ro. You’ve thought about it long and hard. This is what you want” the voices in my head tell me as others scream “Turn around Ro. You don’t want to do this. This isn’t you”. My heart beats faster and faster as the voices wrestle with each other creating a tornado of white noise in my head. Beads of sweat build on my forehead as I struggle with what to do next. Walk away or go for it? Risk my reputation and career or satisfy my cravings, my needs?

Suddenly, a booming voice that I instantly recognize breaks through the wall of noise in my head. “Press the ****ing button already you ****ing pussy! You know this is what you want to do. Be a man and get your fat ass up to apartment 43!” The voice is remarkably like that of the drill sergeant from “Full Metal Jacket” and commands the same level of respect from my entire body. When that voice speaks, my entire being listens. The voice is that of the trooper in my trousers, my penis.

“You’re right...You’re always right” I say aloud, which must make me look crazy to anyone who may be watching me. I nervously key in the number 4 and 3 and after what feels like ages, though in reality is about 6 seconds, that horrible “buzz” noise cries out and I push the door open. I walk through the door into an empty, white washed hallway and, again, on auto pilot my body makes its way to the elevator doors which appear to be waiting patiently for me. For reasons unknown to me I scan the clearly empty space for other people before hustling into the lift and quickly pressing the button for the fourth floor. The friendly, soothing beep sound elevators make when they’re doors are closing goes off and I take another deep breath, breathing in through my nose, holding it for 7 seconds, before releasing the breath through my mouth.

“This is what you want Ro. Enjoy it. You deserve it” goes the distinct voice of my mickey in a much more soothing tone than he used early. “You’re going to remember this for the rest of your life”. As the doors close on the elevator, I can’t help but bid farewell to the life I used to have and the peace of mind that was a key part of it. The doors close completely and as the lift rises, I begin to imagine what my first encounter with an escort is going to be like.

cobsie

two things: it's far too long for nothing happening except a guy is nervous and debating with himself. being nervous it itself is not an original concept, something that needs illustrating. everybody reading this understand what being nervous feels like. concentrate on two or three small details and get on with it.

three movie references is more than most novels have. don't refer to other work to illustrate what you want to say. find a way to say it yourself, or leave it out.

cheers!

CreativeChris

cobsie wrote: »

two things: it's far too long for nothing happening except a guy is nervous and debating with himself. being nervous it itself is not an original concept, something that needs illustrating. everybody reading this understand what being nervous feels like. concentrate on two or three small details and get on with it.

three movie references is more than most novels have. don't refer to other work to illustrate what you want to say. find a way to say it yourself, or leave it out.

cheers!

Thanks for the feedback cosbie, I'll def take it into account. Did you see any positives in it?

Danpad

I'm a beginner myself, I have completed a novel and am in the process of approaching agents etc. I have received great feedback from a book club who took the time to look at it and they were exactly my target audience.

I reckon the fact that you've decided to start writing is a huge positive in itself. Sitting down and simply getting your words down is how it begins.

I guarantee you, if you keep on writing the piece you posted above will have morphed in to something a bit more polished. Read it out loud, how does it sound to you? Above all keep writing and reading and learning.

cobsie

"I’m overcome with a feeling not unlike the one you experience before your first day at a new school or a new job. A feeling of complete ignorance and fear, offset with a hint of excitement."

that's the essence of the whole opening, the interesting mix of contradictory emotions. Play up the excitement a bit, too, because it's a real driver of his actions.

Cheers, C