Angry

shinney81

I went to my first meeting regarding searching on thurs, not sure what i want, if i want to meet someone... I def want a medical history. Im so angry yesterday and today, i dont want to be in this situation, i want to be like everyone else and have my history. I just am so annoyed i have to make a choice now, even if I do nothing im deciding to do nothing, so angry....

Is this normal, never had any feelings really either way about it till now.

goat2

shinney81 wrote: »

I went to my first meeting regarding searching on thurs, not sure what i want, if i want to meet someone... I def want a medical history. Im so angry yesterday and today, i dont want to be in this situation, i want to be like everyone else and have my history. I just am so annoyed i have to make a choice now, even if I do nothing im deciding to do nothing, so angry....

Is this normal, never had any feelings really either way about it till now.

have you found any piece of information, i hope you do well,

shinney81

Hi, thanks for your reply, got no info at all yet, Ive requested my non identifying but havent got it yet. Thurs was a group meeting for information so there were 12 other people there who were also searching so it was more about an introduction to adoption, how the person may feel to be searched and how it may go.

I also find the term 'birth mother' 'biological mother' etc anything with mother in it basically gets my hackles up, i have a mother and only one, I dont need another one. I think thats the problem, they spoke so much about the poor pregnant girl and how hard it was for her and i dont see it that way.

Guess Im just confused. :mad:

goat2

shinney81 wrote: »

Hi, thanks for your reply, got no info at all yet, Ive requested my non identifying but havent got it yet. Thurs was a group meeting for information so there were 12 other people there who were also searching so it was more about an introduction to adoption, how the person may feel to be searched and how it may go.

I also find the term 'birth mother' 'biological mother' etc anything with mother in it basically gets my hackles up, i have a mother and only one, I dont need another one. I think thats the problem, they spoke so much about the poor pregnant girl and how hard it was for her and i dont see it that way.

Guess Im just confused. :mad:

i understand you, i know that the mother who reard you is really your mother, would you like if someone were looking for you, say a daughter or son of the woman who gave birth to you, i know a family who found out they have an older brother just six months ago, the eldest of the family is 25, and the brother who entered their life now is 29, they get on very well, it was a shock to the family in the start, but now they are glad, they know now why their mother was troubled through their lives, it is like a jigsaw, the last piece is now in place, and mother is now happier,
people who put their precious babies for adoption are brave, giving, not selfish, it is because they cannot give the child all, and they want the best for the child, i know that, a friend of mine gave up her child for adoption 29 yrs ago this year,

shinney81

I think i'd be happy to exchange a letter with the woman, find out how I came to be and my medical and past history and see how it went from there. Id hate to think i was someones dirty secret or guilt. I think its just the uncertanty.

goat2

i dont think you are anyones secret, there are people out there be it family or friends of the woman who gave birth to you who know, i am sure that on your birthday she thinks all day about you, also christmas, and every day, she may be afraid to try to get in touch with you, in case you may not want to know her, but i have seen two women this year alone, one who had a son 29 yrs ago come to her and she had not told her children until the night before the meeting, they went and they are all getting on fine, also there is another woman whose 35 yr old daughter found her about four months ago, and in both cases, the women who gave birth seem to be much happier now that they know that the precious child they let go all those yrs ago are doing great, have families themselves and are happy, that is all these two women needed to bring their life back in order,
i also know that the two birth mothers had no backing from families, were only children themselves, i dont think they had a choice, but wanted the best for the baby, now their prayers have been answered, because everything they wished on the babies came true, they decided would be better if they were in a stable loving home, rather than in an unstable environment,
did you have a happy upbringing, have you got a good life now,

The_Conductor

Being angry (or indeed having any particular emotion) towards your adoption- is how you reconcile it to yourself at this particular point in. Its not unusual to run through a whole spectrum of emotions in adoption- far from it.......

The support meetings are helpful- whether we realise it or not, we do have fixed ideas in our heads regarding our birthmums, and how they felt about us, and our adoptions in general.

As the meetings progress- you will quite likely get to meet some birthmums- who are trying to find their children they left for adoption in the past- you'll get to hear some of their stories, and perhaps it may give you a better feeling for what your own birthmum went through.

I'm a little older than you are- and I remember Ireland of the late 70s and early 80s. It was a world apart from where we are now- people telling you stories of the era, no matter how detailed and the anecdotes they use, do not convey the mindset that prevailed, economic conditions, the hierarchy of society etc.

Keep up the meetings- and simultaneously, try to unlock the next stepping stones in your search for information- I hope you find what you're looking for.

If you do hit any roadblocks and would some suggestions on possible avenues of inquiry- feel free to post back here at any time.

Shane

goat2

have you got good friends that can come in and help you, problems shared are problems halved, and i bet your best friend would be the first to make the moves for and with you, bring someone you know very well and you know always watched your back to the table with you to help out,
sometimes someone outside the box would pull out all the stops, you need a very good friend at your side right now.

shinney81

Thanks for the replies, its great to be able to come on here and put thoughts down. I am going to keep up the meetings as its great to hear other perspectives and it makes you have thoughts that may not have occured to you.

Im lucky in that I had a great upbringing, only child, I have a very close relationship with mam and dad.

My partner with whom I have two little girls is very much behind whatever decision I take and here to listen and I also have three great friends who know whats going on and are all here for me whenever is needed.

This whole search only came about because I had a seizure recently and wanted medical information so I feel as though I am taking the first decision making phase on fast forward if that makes any sense.

goat2

great to hear you had a great childhood, and now have your own children, and a helpful partner, also good friends,
this is the best news the person who gave birth to you could hear, i do hope you find her, i bet you will find that there is a good reason she gave your mother the chance to be a mother, and if i were to find out that i have a sibling out there looking for us that we do not know of, i would welcome them, and hope that they had a childhood like you,
dont be angry with the person, because my guess is, that she is sorry that she had to part with you.
your mother and father who gave you all, went through alot to be considered for adoption, they really wanted and needed you more than anything else in the world,
i know it would be great if you found out what illnesses, like heart disease, diabetes and as you say seizures in your bloodline,
keep it up

MaryMagdalene

Hi there,


As a 'person' who gave up her daughter personally I think the anger can work both ways.

I went to adoption support meetings and I was angry too - very very very angry. Angry at my family, angry at myself and angry at my daughter.

Adoption and adoption reunion is difficult on all sides. There are no winners, no quick fixes and personally I don't believe an easy reunion.

I am almost 2 years into a reunion and sometimes its brilliant and other times its like a nightmare that I wish I could block out again. Except that its a silent nightmare - one that I have to internalise.

I think you need to be very careful and decide what you want - move slowly, its always easier to catch up than to row back.

I'm glad you have a good life and have a great relationship with your parents - it always heartens me to hear that.

Good luck on your journey.

MM

lynsalot

Hi OP

Anger is very very normal. I'm angry myself and without knowing ur age I'm not sure how closed ur adoption was but mine was and every avenue of information my BM has provided on BF has run dry. She's also decided never to see me again so anger is definitely up there alright.

I'm seeing a counsellor for CBT and find it very useful if i'm honest.

Best of luck with everything, The forum here gives great support

L

jb28

Im very new to all this so forgive me if im butting into a conversation, i have through strange circumstance seen reunion from both angles and it has been incredibly difficult both times, the anger is so completely normal, at least i like to believe so! I have met my mother and been rejected by her again, something i struggle with sometimes daily, i was however blessed with adoptive parents who mean the world to me and in some ways make the pain worth it, if that makes any sense, i guess what im trying to say is that in some ways we need to make peace with the situation, not to stop searching for what your looking for but to not let it consume you because it can, i wish you all the best in your search x

D-FENS

Hi Folks

Also sorry to butt in m but can I ask where are the meetings mentioned in this thread held? Would there be one near Celbridge, Kildare?
I’m recently started searching again for birth mother/siblings again, after some good advice on here, and would be very interested in speaking to others about it and getting more advice.
I’m seeing a councillor, not just because of my adoption (although that is obviously a factor) and it is great to talk to her about it but I think a group would be great for me at the moment, as I ‘m not getting many opportunities to talk about it elsewhere at the moment.

Thanks

tyview

D-FENS wrote: »

Hi Folks

Also sorry to butt in m but can I ask where are the meetings mentioned in this thread held? Would there be one near Celbridge, Kildare?
I’m recently started searching again for birth mother/siblings again, after some good advice on here, and would be very interested in speaking to others about it and getting more advice.
I’m seeing a councillor, not just because of my adoption (although that is obviously a factor) and it is great to talk to her about it but I think a group would be great for me at the moment, as I ‘m not getting many opportunities to talk about it elsewhere at the moment.

Thanks

Barnardos run meetings every so often. I've never been but I'm on their email list so get notification when theres one planned. Try emailing adoption@barnardos.ie and asking them for details of there next meetings or contact them by phone 01 4530355 for more info