Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

The great girl and tormented guy

Options
  • 28-11-2011 5:26pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    We have gone out for 6 years. For the last 1-2 years she has put on more weight. I find it difficult to be attracted by her. She also has some habits/mannerisms that bug me (including smoking).
    I am torn by the fact that I sound like an as**ole in even thinking those things, but I do and can't help it?
    The relationship is hanging in there but is stale as you would expect. We are 'sexual' a few times a week but have actual sex more like once per month or 2.
    We are 29, she is a funny real dub and a lively bubbly character who loves me and whom I love dearly. However I feel I am about to break her heart.
    How do I deal with my physical attraction (or lack of) to her? Ignore it?
    We have lived together for 5 years, should I suggest living seperately for a while?
    If we split up for a few months so I could satisfy by impulses for other slimmer women, would I understand more what i was missing?
    Would appreciate any advice.
    Tagged:


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    If you don't fancy her anymore simply because of her weight (and for the most part everthing else is fine and you still love her) then you have to tell her. It is not going to be an easy conversation and you are going to have to be as kind and as subtle as such a topic will allow but you're going to have tell her.

    Has she commented on her own weight gain? How have you reacted when she has? I should imagine you've always reassured her and said it's fine. Maybe next time when she brings it up say "I didn't want to say but yes, you have put on quite a bit of weight" and then use that as your angle on how best she can start losing it.

    Would you maybe take up an exercise together?

    Actually, if she lost all the weight do you feel personally it would salvage things for you?


  • Options
    #3
    IrishEyes19
    Registered Users Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭IrishEyes19


    Weight surely cannot be the only issue to split and look for slimmer women. How much weight are we talking here, stones.....or a few pounds. Weight can be lost, so I feel there is a lot more here than just that. Also her sex drive might be down due to the fact that she senses you arent attracted to her anymore.


  • Options
    #4
    nowyouresix
    Closed Accounts Posts: 201 ✭✭nowyouresix


    OP: If the attraction has gone, then is there any chance you can get it back, even if she did lose weight? If other mannerisms that were previously acceptable now annoy you, then maybe you've just reached the end! Weight is possible to lose...if you really want to stay with her, then encourage her to be more healthy/gym etc, or if she has an underlying health issue to go to her gp. Lots of other factors can cause weight gain in girls at this age, and for sure it wouldn't be nice to just dump her if she had an undiagnosed medical condition!
    Maybe she's just in a bit of a rut herself, and naturally if she's put on weight then she will be way more self conscious as regards bedroom activity.
    It's a vicious circle, and you're both in it. As she gets more unhappy/unfulfilled in the bedroom, the weight goes on etc etc.... As you become less physically attracted to her, everything she says and does starts to bug you, and you can't bring yourself to do the deed.
    Thing is, if she has put on weight now, and you feel repulsed by her, then what when she gets pregnant with your child? What if she had to take steroids for an illness, causing weight gain????
    I have a feeling that your relationship , on your part , has run its course! But on her part, she's comfortable, settled, and you have freaked out about her complacency and the fact that she thinks your relationship is forever after.
    Anyway, best of luck with it. Bottom line is if you truly want to be with her then encourage her and help her to get in shape.


  • Options
    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It seems there is consensus at least on the 'address the weight' issue. We have started the gym together already and I will try to encourage her to keep it up with me.
    Maybe that will help improve things. Thanks all for the advice.


  • Options
    #6
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    guy_girl_troubles wrote: »
    It seems there is consensus at least on the 'address the weight' issue. We have started the gym together already and I will try to encourage her to keep it up with me.
    Maybe that will help improve things. Thanks all for the advice.

    If you tell her its gonna sting something terrible. She'll be very upset and you will be the bastard.

    That's human nature though. I think a 6 year relationship should be able to take this. If you're not attracted to her (and I wouldn't be either) then the relationship will suffer.

    Being overweight isn't just about looks either. When she does lose weight she will feel better as her body will not be operating in a dysfunctional status. Overweight and obese status (particularly when combined with smoking) means she's high risk for diabetes/heart disease and osteoporosis down the line. That is by no means an exhaustive list by the way.

    In that context - you really have a responsibility to help her. We don't look at it that way because it was previously only seen as a cosmetic problem.

    Its also easy to get to a healthy weight* - there's a lot of anxiety about diets and slimming but there's an entire industry behind that. Once people establish why they overeat and follow a proper plan its not a big deal at all.



    *I am not saying it is easy to get a body like Cheryl Cole. She's effectively a genetic exception who will likely always be slim. She's likely on strict diets in combination with that. However it is easy for anyone of any genetics to get to a healthy weight range


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    Mallei
    Registered Users Posts: 144 ✭✭Mallei


    I was actually sympathetic to your plight for most of that post, because someone changing so much physically must be a real burden for a relationship when physical attractiveness is such a key part.

    But then you went on to say that maybe you'd be best off breaking up with her so you can go and shag some slimmer models then go back to her when you'd have your fill.

    That, sir, shows you up as a complete and utter a**hole.


  • Options
    #8
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Mallei banned for a week for ignoring previous moderator warnings to read and respect the forum charter/site rules.

    This is an advice forum, posting just to make personal attacks against other posters will not be tolerated.

    If you want to retain posting rights to this forum take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.


Advertisement