Men asking their girlfriend's father for permission to propose to her

Irishcrx

It's entirely dependent on the parents I think , as in how close the parents are to the girl etc , are they old fashioned, is she?...My girlfriends father is very old fashioned and traditional, as in you shouldn't date until your 21 etc. So i'd imagine if I did want to marry her some day I would ask for his blessing first because I know he would appreciate me doing it, so I've no problem with it either way around..

LeeHoffmann

I think there is a bit of an overlap between the two, and I'm not looking to get too far into 'wording'. I feel it's used to symbolize the respect that they guy has for his future in laws (and perhaps for his bride to be who may appreciate the gesture), and certainly shouldn't be labeled a sexist for doing so.

There is a difference between sign and symbol. It's an important difference and I think your lack of clarity over that difference and the meaning of the word 'symbol' is what's causing the confusion and head-banging between us. It doesn't symbolise the respect he has for the Dad/girlfriend - it suggests or conveys respect. BTW I didn't label a person who asks for the Dad's permission ''a sexist''. I said that the tradition is sexist. Another subtle but important difference.

I said it's no longer asking permission...I think the biggest factor here is the intent behind the gesture.

Nobody said it's still really asking for permission. I agree that the intention is the most important - i.e. whether he's asking because his missus wants him to or for some other reason - and I've stated that the intention behind the gesture has changed. But the symbolism hasn't.
I don't see why, if you are not seriously asking for permission, you would still go to her Dad (and exclude her mother) and say ''can I have your permission to marry your daughter?'' instead of going to both parents and saying ''it would mean a lot to me if we could have your blessing''.

j8wk2feszrnpao

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

There is a difference between sign and symbol. It's an important difference........

Not really. There's a difference, but it's not very important in this discussion in my opinion and I think it's getting a little off topic.

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

I've stated that the intention behind the gesture has changed. But the symbolism hasn't.

It has for many people.
Obviously not for you, but hey, that's up to you.

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

I don't see why, if you are not seriously asking for permission, you would still go to her Dad (and exclude her mother) and say ''can I have your permission to marry your daughter?'' instead of going to both parents and saying ''it would mean a lot to me if we could have your blessing''.

I've only stated going to both parents.
It's traditionally been the case that you only go to the father, but that's changing, and will continue to do so.

Shenshen

I deeply dislike it, and had my husband tried to ask my father we probably wouldn't be married now.

Not that it would ever have occured to him, and since it was me who proposed to him, it never came up at all.

LeeHoffmann

Not really. There's a difference, but it's not very important in this discussion in my opinion and I think it's getting a little off topic.

Why don't you just look the two words up in a dictionary? In the context of this discussion it makes a big difference. It's not off topic at all

It has for many people.

Who are these people? What has it changed to? We seem to be going around in circles and again I think the reason is point 1 above^ I have asked you to explain what you think the symbolism is and you have declined to do so.

I've only stated going to both parents.

That's better if you're planning to ask both parents (most only ask the Dad) but what about the asking for their blessing rather than their permission?

j8wk2feszrnpao

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

Why don't you just look the two words up in a dictionary?

I'll leave that to you.

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

Who are these people? What has it changed to?

Trying reading some of the people's replies in the thread for some people.
What has changed it? Society created it, and society changes it.

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

We seem to be going around in circles and again I think the reason is point 1 above^ I have asked you to explain what you think the symbolism is and you have declined to do so.

I've explained this a number of times, and made it quite clear, but you either choose not to read or can't comprehend it. Which is fine, but I won't feed into your need for attention.

We're hogging this, so I'm outta here, may the debate continue.

Onesimus

Why should I ask her dad for permission to marry her when A) She is not legally his after the age of 18 and I'm in love with his daughter, marrying her and not him? When I marry my wife we are one flesh and one whole new family all on our own. I dont care what people say about us being a part of some in-laws family when we get married. They dont pay my bills, they are not my immediate family anymore nor my wifes, we now have an immediate family of our own.

LeeHoffmann

munstermagic, I'm disappointed by your attempts to evade my questions. It's probably a good time to end that cat and mouse.

smash

Onesimus wrote: »

When I marry my wife we are one flesh

Is that you buffalo bill?

Zulu

Onesimus wrote: »

They dont pay my bills, they are not my immediate family anymore nor my wifes, we now have an immediate family of our own.

Yeah, that's all nice and all, but, in the real world, they're your wife's (to be) parents. There's a good chance they're very nice people, who've worked really hard all their life to raise & protect & shelter & feed the one you hold dearest. It's nice to respect them & their traditions (if they call for it).

And frankly, if your wife didn't get pissed off if you were to flaunt/ignore them, it wouldn't speak volumes for her.

I asked my wifes dad's permission, not because he felt he "owned" her, but because it's what he would have wanted/did want. He was bloody delighted. Because of it we're great friends. My wife didn't get offended because she was too busy making us sandwitches.



Oh no he didn't

The Master of Disaster

It may be a slightly outdated tradition but I think it's nice nonetheless. I think it really depends on:
-the sort of man the father is; as we've seen just from this thread some people like the idea, some don't.
-the relationship he has with his daughter; has he been there for her etc. I don't think he serves that respect if he's been absent most of her life living as a crack head!!

I'm not generally old fashioned or in any way conservative but as I said I like the idea and if I thought the father was that sort of man I'd go down that route. I'd also have a lot of respect if I had a daughter and her BF came to me to ask for her hand (although it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if he preferred not to).

Of course you could always be left with the situation where BF goes to father who gives him permission, father welcomes him to the family and then the GF says no . . .

LeeHoffmann

I think it really depends on:
-the sort of man the father is; as we've seen just from this thread some people like the idea, some don't.
-the relationship he has with his daughter; has he been there for her etc. I don't think he serves that respect if he's been absent most of her life living as a crack head!!

...surely it depends more on what sort of woman the girlfriend is and what her view of the tradition is?

I wonder, for the men who said they'd like any potential son in law to ask their permission for their daughter's hand - would you also like any potential daughters in law to ask your permission for your son's hand in marriage?

hondasam

Onesimus wrote: »

Why should I ask her dad for permission to marry her when A) She is not legally his after the age of 18 and I'm in love with his daughter, marrying her and not him? When I marry my wife we are one flesh and one whole new family all on our own. I dont care what people say about us being a part of some in-laws family when we get married. They dont pay my bills, they are not my immediate family anymore nor my wifes, we now have an immediate family of our own.

Will your views on family change when you and your wife have children?

Princess Peach

Depends on the people involved. I know my boyfriend is an absolute gent and would probably want to. But I know my Dad would be mortified if it happened!