Cheating Fiance- should I tell?

I am a friend

nonn wrote: »

She seems to have decided she was getting too old to find someone else [age 28] and it was now or never for husband, children, etc, so she was turning a blind eye to what was being done blatantly before her eyes. Her priorities of having children were higher than a non-cheating spouse. As long as he provided for her, and spent the majority of his time with her, she seems to have been able to overlook the rest.

Well to be honest she doesnt sound like she is operating on full cylinders and why would you want to be friends with that.... At least you have a clear conscience.. Once you knew, the dynamic of the relationship had already changed anyway because you knew.... It could never have been normal after that.

username123

nonn wrote: »

I summed up the courage to tell her about 6 months before the wedding and it cost me my lifelong friend.

If you HADNT told, theres a good chance you would have lost the friendship anyway because you would have felt awful knowing that and being close to the person, and maybe would have drifted, or maybe she would have found out later and been disgusted you hadnt told her. I wouldnt be surprised if later in life when she eventually does get sick of that behaviour that she comes back to you and admits that you were right to do what you did. I think you did the right thing and as said already, you have a clear conscience.

If I were the bride Id want to know before I legally bind myself to this person.

McChubbin

nonn wrote: »

I wouldn't get involved and here's why: two years ago I found out my lifelong best friend's fiance was cheating on her, sleeping around with several different women. I saw him first hand take someone to his hotel room on a business trip on three different occasions in short succession [I work with him]. I told him he couldn't go ahead with his marriage to my friend but he didn't care and refused to tell her or stop doing it.

I summed up the courage to tell her about 6 months before the wedding and it cost me my lifelong friend.

She seems to have decided she was getting too old to find someone else [age 28] and it was now or never for husband, children, etc, so she was turning a blind eye to what was being done blatantly before her eyes. Her priorities of having children were higher than a non-cheating spouse. As long as he provided for her, and spent the majority of his time with her, she seems to have been able to overlook the rest.

She turned nasty with me for interfering, for 'rubbing her nose in it', but never for a second contemplated ending things with him.

The wedding went ahead. I did not attend the farce. She had to find herself a new bridesmaid as I stepped down.

They're still together and on a business trip 2 weeks ago I watched him take two different women to his hotel room for the night over the 6 days we were away, one was possibly a prostitute.

MY best friend from before we even started school does not talk to me but her cheating spouse has no hard feelings towards me. He's just doing what he is being let get away with.

I learned the hard way to keep my nose out. If my partner was cheating on me, I would certainly notice a change in his behaviour, etc. I have been cheated on in the past and didn't need anyone to tell me, I could spot something was up. Late night calls, constant texting and a new distance between my ex partner and I.

There's a chance in your case OP, the bride-to-be has a good idea what her man is like but is willing to put up with it. She certainly wouldn't be the first.

This is what I fear. She's a lovely woman who's only 25-I fear if I tell her she'll take the same approach as your friend and hate me for it as well as going full steam ahead with a sham wedding.

I am a friend

McChubbin wrote: »

This is what I fear. She's a lovely woman who's only 25-I fear if I tell her she'll take the same approach as your friend and hate me for it as well as going full steam ahead with a sham wedding.

I know but she should have the choice whether or not to cock up her life by having all the facts....

I could never hate the messenger, especially when the news is being provided for my own best interests... She needs to know though.

Ickle Magoo

McChubbin wrote: »

This is what I fear. She's a lovely woman who's only 25-I fear if I tell her she'll take the same approach as your friend and hate me for it as well as going full steam ahead with a sham wedding.

Do you really want to be friends with someone who would hate you for pointing out their partner is cheating and would tie themselves to such a man anyway? Can you listen to them crying on your shoulder with their suspicions in the years to come? Do you think if/when he's found out he's going to keep quiet about everyone else who helped pull the wool over her eyes? I think it's one of those damned if you do/damned if you don't situations.

I'd tell - and tbh if they want to hate the messenger, have a sham wedding and go eyes open into what could well be a fairly miserable marriage then that's their choice to make - but at least they'd have an informed choice.

I'd consider myself a pretty shoddy friend and have much trouble looking myself in the eye pretending it's a great wedding day and they're the loving couple knowing what you know - never mind trying to carry on being a friend after they are married so I'd say the friendship is doomed either way.

LittleBook

McChubbin wrote: »

My mother's view is that "It's not her business" but FFS she's all for keeping quiet and letting the wedding go ahead. I'm torn between telling her and keeping quiet too.

And for the record, your mother has no right to be the "matron of honour" at that wedding.

curlzy

I really can't believe the amount of people saying don't tell her, she won't want to know. I mean come on how low an opinion of women do you have? Seriously you must think women are pathetic to be saying stuff like that. Women that would put up with that kind of scummy behaviour are the exception to the rule, the vast vast vast majority would want to know.

I'm assuming OP, you can guess what my advice is, tell her, for the love of god, tell her. I mean come on, how can seriously consider not telling her? You're supposed to be her friend no? Wouldn't you want to be told?

ElleEm

I don't even think I'd be asking this question if I was in the same prediciment.
I would definitely tell her. She is a friend. And surely you cannot think of planning her wedding and standing there with her on her "happy day" all the while, knowing her bloke is a dirtbag.

If I found out my friends knew my partner was cheating on me and said nothing, they would no longer be my friends.

kellsbells73

OP have not read through all replies so apologies if im repeating but my advice would be to sit her down tell her you have something to say and whatever she does you will support and not judge her in whatever she decides to do and then tell her what you know

The reason I say this is people usually shoot the messenger because deep down they are emmbarresed and would rather forget the whole thing and when they see you ,you are just a reminder of their weakness But if they know there is no judgement or smugness they may react to you differently and understand your side.

Now the other side is can you honestly not judge her or him and support her,if so I dont see why the friendship wont survive.

its up to you now. best of luck.

Emadrn

I give this advice from personal experience. I was in a relationship with a guy for 6 years but we ended up splitting up. I was getting over him when to my shock nearly 6 months later people started telling me he had been cheating on me for possibly most of the time I had been in a relationship with him and no one had told me. I had to listen to a load of crap like " oh we didn't feel it was our place to say..." "I couldn't bring myself to tell you...." blah blah!!!
It hurts a lot more that people you know haven't been truthful about what's going on and you have been living a lie and have been in the dark to what your partner has been up to and obviously this is more serious as they are planing to marry so she needs to know .
So I think you should tell her but firstly you really need to talk to the Best man and get as much information as possible. But I will say this by all means do the right thing because she deserves the truth however the truth sometimes comes with a price. You might tell her and she could be more mad with you!!! thinking your lying and in denial to the sort of person he is. If unfortunately this happens its out of your control....