Lost our newborn

Cunning Stunt

Hi all

We lost our baby girl on Saturday, just a few minutes after I had given birth.
The doctors have no explanation for her sudden death and that is really hard to deal with. We need to wait up to 2 months for autopsy results and even then we are not guaranteed they will find anything.
All our dreams and expectations were dashed within minutes of her coming to this world.

I am not sure what I am looking for on this forum - I guess anyone who has been through similar can probably give me some advice on coping? At the moment we are both up and down in waves of grief. Sometimes I think I am not grieving enough because I can laugh now and again!

We are taking care of all of the practical things that need to be done, as we think we will regret it in future if we do not involve ourselves as much as possible -- but it's so awful to have to do these things. We should have been enjoying the run up to Christmas with her, and now she is lying in a hospital chapel. Yesterday we needed to buy a casket and it was hard to believe we were driving around with that thing instead of a baby seat. In the same way, I thought i would be breastfeeding by now, but instead I am taking tablets to dry up my milk.

We are living abroad aswell, and it's hard not having my family around me - though my mother and sister will be over next week for the church ceremony.

Everything is the exact opposite of what it should have been and I am not sure how to cope with that.

If anyone can give some advice it is much appreciated

massiveattack

Sorry to hear OP, I cant add to what youre looking for except for my condolences and sadness to hear about your child, though im sure you will get a great response from others who have been in the same situation. Grief works in strange ways so be sure not to get your self down just because you had a small chuckle for a few seconds

eyescreamcone

Cunning Stunt wrote: »

Hi all

We lost our baby girl on Saturday, just a few minutes after I had given birth.
The doctors have no explanation for her sudden death and that is really hard to deal with. We need to wait up to 2 months for autopsy results and even then we are not guaranteed they will find anything.
All our dreams and expectations were dashed within minutes of her coming to this world.

I am not sure what I am looking for on this forum - I guess anyone who has been through similar can probably give me some advice on coping? At the moment we are both up and down in waves of grief. Sometimes I think I am not grieving enough because I can laugh now and again!

We are taking care of all of the practical things that need to be done, as we think we will regret it in future if we do not involve ourselves as much as possible -- but it's so awful to have to do these things. We should have been enjoying the run up to Christmas with her, and now she is lying in a hospital chapel. Yesterday we needed to buy a casket and it was hard to believe we were driving around with that thing instead of a baby seat. In the same way, I thought i would be breastfeeding by now, but instead I am taking tablets to dry up my milk.

We are living abroad aswell, and it's hard not having my family around me - though my mother and sister will be over next week for the church ceremony.

Everything is the exact opposite of what it should have been and I am not sure how to cope with that.

If anyone can give some advice it is much appreciated

I can't give you advice as I'm not qualified to do so.
I can only offer my deepest sympathy on your loss.
But there are people who are qualified to talk to you about your loss

At the moment it seems like the world has ended but the sun will come up tomorrow and with help your pain will ease

beeroclock

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I have not been in your situation but as a father I have some tiny inkling towards the pain you feel and I hope some day your pain will lessen x

Payton

My taughts are with you OP and your partner, it must be the hardest thing any parent should have to go through.
I've never gone through what you have and I can only imagine what its like.
Life is full of its and but and we'll never find the answers to the why's.
Be there for eachother, cry, talk, and look after eachother.
In time seek professional help, maybe the hospital can point you in the right direction on that.

Squiggler

Cunning Stunt, I am so grieved for you.

My husband and I went through a similar experience in April. Our little baby boy, perfectly healthy throughout the pregnancy, died during labour and was stillborn.

The feelings you describe are what we felt. If I smiled or laughed I felt guilty. Still there are days when the grief overwhelms me and I miss our gorgeous little Bun so much I almost wish it had been me.

We did as you, made the arrangements ourselves. And we are glad that we did, even though it felt at the time like it was too much. It gave us that finality.

I can only tell you what worked for us, but everyone's grief is different.

We had to take one day at a time, some days an hour, or even a minute at a time. Sometimes now it is weeks. So it does get better.

We got a lovely keepsake box and filled it with memories - a scan image of Bun's foot, a lock of his hair, some photographs, his hospital name card, sympathy cards, the hooded aran jacket I had knitted for him to wear this winter. Days where it all seems so nightmarish it's hard to believe it happened we somehow find comfort in the contents of that box. We know that we gave our little boy all the love we had while he was alive, as you did your baby girl, and that he was equally loved by our friends and family, and that they miss him too, if in a different way.

We take comfort in the knowledge that our little boy is in a much better place. Safe and loved with a love even greater than ours. He can never be harmed by any evil, he will miss out on the joys of this life, yes, but he will never suffer any of the bad either.

It is by far the worst thing that either of us have ever experienced, but it did bring us closer together and we feel that if we could get through this we can get through anything.

After I had recovered physically we did some travelling. It helped to get away from the grief for a while. A break from being asked how we were feeling was good. It was nice to be among strangers who didn't know of our pain, where we could come to terms with it together.

You have been through massive physical and emotional trauma and you need to take care of yourself and your partner. Actually, you need to take care of each other.

Oh, and try to be patient with people. Sometimes they will say things that they think will help, or make thoughtless comments, they generally mean well, people just don't know what to say, so they say the first thing they think of.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both, and with your families. God bless you.

I am a friend

Op, I am terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter...

My best friend lost her first daughter during labour and I saw the total devastation it caused them. A couple of things they did was create the memory box as someone else suggested and they took a couple of photos of the baby. They also got in touch with iSands who helped them through their grief.

My friend did say that people, through nerves, innocence or stupidity did say some very silly things to them but I hope you wont have to deal with that.

Other than that I dont have a clue what to say to you other than Ill say a prayer for you and your partner. God bless you all.

banie01

I don't know what to say to you other than I am so sorry for your loss
I hope you and your partner will remain pillars of strength for each other through this terrible time.

Jelly2

OP, I can't offer much advice, but wish so much that you and your partner find strength together for the time ahead.
I can only speak from the perpspective of a child who lost her sister when young, but maybe some of what I say will make sense to you. My sister died three days after her birth, and the doctors were never able to offer any more than 'just one of those things' as an explanation. What I recall though about the awful time around her death and burial were a few things that my heartbroken parents did - and they stand out many years later as memories that helped them and me to cope.
If I can say anything at all, it is that you should spend as much time as you want with your baby between now and the burial. As a family, we spent hours with my sister in the mortuary on the morning of her funeral, not praying or anything, just being with her (I know it was her body, but I remember feeling that she, her soul or spirit, was there with us). Then instead of an undertaker bringing her to the church and graveyard, my older siblings carried her out to the car in her coffin, laid the coffin across their laps and we brought her home to our parish church and then to the graveside in our family car. It was unbelievably terrible but at the same time it felt right - we were her family and we were with her all the way. Afterwards, we talked about her always as one of us - never gone from our minds and still being held by us like she was that day. I think of her every day still.
I'm not saying that you should do this, of course, as your and your partner's way of coping will be unique to you, but don't worry about what other people think of the way you do things - do what feels right for both of you.

LegacyUser

It happend me 2 yrs ago, its just unreal the pain, unless you have experienced the lose of a child you just dont know the pain. Crying one min and laughing the nxt, feeling guilty for anything and everything. We lost our little boy Lucas and he was just perfect, 2 hrs after giving birth he grunted and got into problems, he caught Strep B and died 7 hrs later, I just didnt know what to do and found friends wernt helpfull, he was my first little boy and I wanted people to talk about him. I saw friends having babies, it added to my pain, I was very happy for them but reminded me of Lucas and then people not mentioning him, all I can say you have to give yourself time and patience, it is something no parent should do is to bury their child. We have photos and I look at them everyday, my hubby isnt the best and doesnt open up about Lucas. I am just taking day by day, went back to work 7 mths ago and trying to keep busy. I will never forget him and in time things get abit better (use to hate people saying that to me) but you will never forget and in time. I give you hugs and kisses and wishing you the best. Mind yourself.

Cunning Stunt

Hi all,
Thank you for the responses and thanks to those of you who have opened up and shared your experiences, I know it was hard and we really appreciate it. We have gotten some really good advice on this thread. It is also good to know that the pain will lessen with time.
We will bury our little girl next Friday, but we will never forget her.

I am a friend

I hope you are coping OP. thinking of your both.

cynder

Hugs


My hearts breaking for you, sleep well little one...

TCP/IP

May you gain strength from your friends and family. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Jelly2

OP, today is the day of your baby's funeral, and, for what it's worth, I would like you to know that I am thinking of you and your partner as I get on with my daily business.
Rest in peace, little angel, and know that your mammy and daddy will always be holding your hands.

Squiggler

Thinking of you and your family today, Cunning Stunt. Praying that God will give you strength and bring you peace.

Thinking of you all today..

It may seem ridiculous to say, but if you need anything, just let me know.

x

cynder

Thinking of you today.


*hugs*

Acoshla

I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your little daughter. Thinking of you and your family today xx

xzanti

So sorry for your loss.. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you're going through.. I hope you find comfort XX

Simtech

Your story brings tears to my eyes. I can only offer you my sincere and heartfelt sympathies. I lost a child 19 years ago. It will get better!

My thoughts are with you both this evening.

Cunning Stunt

Hi all,
I wasn't planning on posting on this thread again as I thought it had run its course - but I was taken aback to see so many more condolences and even comments posted yesterday, wishing us well. I really didn't expect that so many would take note of the day like that. Amazing the support that can come from strangers - it warms the heart.

The difficult 'practicalities' are now over with and our little angel has been laid to rest. Now we have somewhere to go when we want to visit her and talk to her. The next step is to try to look forward and try to get our lives back on track. But I have to say it is difficult to comtemplate moving forward when we still have no official explanation for what happened. We hope the hospital can give us the answers we long for soon.

I just wanted to share this little story with you all.
We knew that my OH's grandfather was buried in the same cemetary and we looked for him recently but hadn't managed to find his grave, as it is a large cemetary.
After the burial yesterday, we went looking for him again. This time we found him - and it turns out, he and our little girl are actually buried back to back - We couldn't have gotten closer to his plot if we tried! That one little plot we chose for her, out of all of the vacant plots that we were offered, was right behind her great grandfather all along...
Now others may say it is sheer coincidence, but I take comfort in the thought that this was a clear sign that there is a higher power looking after our little girl.

Thanks again for all of your messages.
Cunning

eimsRV

Cunning I'm very sorry for your loss.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFFo1pu4q7Q

D1stant

I am no expert but we buried our little girl 3 years ago. There was no warning, but she was born with a syndrome and lived 9 weeks. It is the hardest thing in the world. It will take a long time. Hold your husbands hand tight. Talk about her. For us at least talking helped a lot. Your daughter should be counted in your family. If people get embaressed - thats really too bad. We still talk about her all the time. We didnt get therapy, but that might be something to consider?

We had a similar experience regaqrding the graveyard and relatives. I also found it comforting to know that she was buried near people we knew and loved.

Our then 2 year old was a wonderful help - his daily needs kept us in some kind of routine and reminded us daily how lucky we already were. He would kiss her very gently when she was here. He understood she was very sick and now when we visit her grave he kisses her headstone.

I have no wise words. But through some divine mix of love, communication, honesty and sadness we at least came through this. Grief does not get old, but it dulls and becomes part of you, and you end up smiling too.

Hugs to you OP.

xzanti

I must say, your story has been in my mind since I read it.. I don't normally come into this forum but my heart sank when I spotted the thread title on the main menu and I recognised your name from the parenting forums

I really am heartbroken for you and your partner.. I am going to light a candle for your little girl today in my local church and I'll say a little prayer for her.

RIP little angel X

theg81der

Op I am so sorry for what you have gone through.

elaney

My heart goes out to you. I have no idea what you are going through
but i wanted to express my sympathies to you and your OH. I am in tears reading your post.

Jenneke87

Op,

I'm so sorry for your loss. No one can take away your grief or give you any answers but know that you are never alone and can always share your feelings, whatever they may be, here.

Take care,

I am a friend

Cunning I do think of you as well.

I thnk the graveyard thing just proves that she walked straight into the arms of family members who will love and protect her. That's a nice thought to keep with you.

Take care xx

jackie1974

I'm so sorry for your loss, never feel guilty for smiling or laughing, that shows that you are strong and brave. I was so moved by the story of where you picked your little girls grave, wow that gave me goosebumps. Take comfort in that ((hugs))

sunflower27

Thinking of you, too.

I don't normally post in here, but saw the thread when looking at PI and your story really touched me.

I am so, so sorry. Take care of yourselves. She was very much loved. xxx

Lisha

HI,

OP I ve nothing original to add but you ve been in my thoughts since I saw your post.

I am so sorry for you loss. There are no words but I can only imagine how devastated you both are.

I hope you both find a way through this. A friend of mine lost a baby too 5 years ago and she once said to me that she found that time just had to pass in its own way. Some times she took it minute by minute, then some day she would find that hours would pass but that she had to let time do its own thing and to concentrate on just getting herself through the minute, hour, day.

I know some one else mentioned ISANDS, they are a great organisation. It might not be your thing, I do hope this helps.

Thinking of you both, I wish you peace and comfort.

jm2011

Aw I shed a little tear reading this thread....I hope you're all doin ok! I know what its like for reasons I'm not gonna get into

Oral Slang

Hi Cunning, I was on the pregnancy board with you & cried when I read your post. I've no personal experience with a loss so immense like yours, but just wanted to let you know that I haven't stopped thinking of you.

Friends of mine lost their little girl 2 weeks before her due date about 4 years ago. They were naturally shattered by this and it took a long time to come to terms with this loss, but have subsequently had 2 more little girls.

Take each day as it comes & grieve as much as you want. Fingers crossed things will get better for you as time passes. xxx

eyeball kid

Nothing really to add but thinking of you, take care.

Cunning Stunt

Hi all,

just to let you know we are doing OK. It's been 3 weeks of hell, but we are hopefully starting to emerge on the other side of it now. I can go a day or two without breaking down, which is progress.

We are just back from visiting her in the cemetary and it's a strange thing to say but it always seems to cheer us up, when we have been there.

Today is my birthday and although it is obviously the worst birthday ever, and I didn't want to mark the occasion, I have agreed with my OH that we might break out some of our xmas decorations. He doesn't think it is a good thing to try to ignore Christmas and maybe he is right.
I was of the opinion that decorating would be disrespectful to our baby, but I remember a good friend told me that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. So we will put a few things around the house and try to catch some Christmas cheer.

Thanks again for all of your kind words and thoughts and we wish you all a Merry Christmas.
Cunning

Acoshla

My mom says no lost loved one would begrudge their family Christmas decorations, anything that gives you a brief moment of fun/entertainment, like a set of fairy lights or glittery baubles, is a good thing. I hope that doesn't sound silly or anything.

And your friend is very right, nobody can tell you how to grieve or judge you for how you do it. When my best friend's fiancé committed suicide she wore 5 inch high electric blue heels to his funeral. A lot of people made quite mean comments about them being inappropriate and that they didn't "fit" with the distraught girlfriend image. I smiled when I saw the shoes, she wore them because he always said he loved them on her, that was what mattered to her, not what others might think. People cope with grief in very different ways, do what is best for you and your OH.

I really hope that the New Year brings you both peace, happiness, comfort, and anything else that you want and deserve xx

Fittle

I'm one of the many people who have been reading your comments OP, but who haven't known what to say, so we've just continued to read. There are no right or wrongs in grief - we do what gets us through. I lost both my parents by the age of 22 and as a woman in my 40s now, can use the old cliche 'time is a great healer' with some feeling. Yes, time heals, because ultimately, we all have to get on with what we call 'life'. But you never forget.

I remember one of my biggest fears, particularly after my mum died, was that my memories of her would somehow fade, and wouldn't be as clear as they were then. But while that did happen in certain periods of my life, I can still see her sitting beside me, as clearly as if it were yesterday, and she died almost 20years ago.

So I just wanted to say that you have been on my mind. The birth of my own son was the best moment of my life and I won't even pretend to imagine that I can feel your pain. But I've prayed for you and your partner and your daughter and I hope that in time, you too will learn to cope with your pain.

xzanti

Cunning Stunt wrote: »

Today is my birthday and
I was of the opinion that decorating would be disrespectful to our baby,

I won't say 'happy' but I wish you a peaceful Birthday.. your little girl would love to see her Mammy and Daddy put their decorations up.. as a symbol of hope if nothing else.. I'm sure she is always with you..

Lisha

Hi OP,

just wanted to say you have been in my thoughts the last few days.

Take care of yourselves,

Lisha

CathyMoran

Another person who has just been reading this thread - I am so sorry for your loss - hugs.

Cunning Stunt

Hi,
Thanks for your thoughts.
We have been told now that it will probably be mid-February before we get any results from the hospital autopsy etc. I hate the thoughts of waiting that long to find out what went so wrong. I won't go into detail on this forum but in the 12 hours I was in the hospital, everything was going like clockwork and the staff were of course happily telling us to expect our baby soon. It was only in the last half hour of the labour that all hell broke loose. That's why it was such a huge shock - we were completely unprepared for her leaving us.

We have both been going over the whole scenario so many times, trying to determine what could/ could not have been done differently - trying to remember even the smallest of details - trawling the internet for info on possible causes and preventative measures etc. We really need closure on this. But we also need to prepare ourselves for the possibility that we may never know exactly why she died.

So that's where we are. We are definitely getting better emotionally and can talk about it quite openly. Tears are getting fewer and farther between. But the question 'why' is still there.

I am a friend

Op would it be possible to meet with the hospital to try to find out what happened? It may somehow help you get to February when hopefully there will be more in-depth answers.

Have you been in touch with isands - a friend found them very helpful after they lost their first baby.

07734

I'm so so sorry for your loss op, you are in my thoughts

07744

Cunning Stunt

I am a friend wrote: »

Op would it be possible to meet with the hospital to try to find out what happened? It may somehow help you get to February when hopefully there will be more in-depth answers.

a consultation is what we have been offered in Feb. They will call us in to go over the findings from the autopsy. They have said we will not be called in before they have all of the info compiled and ready.

I am a friend

Cunning Stunt wrote: »

a consultation is what we have been offered in Feb. They will call us in to go over the findings from the autopsy. They have said we will not be called in before they have all of the info compiled and ready.

Ah thats hard going... I suppose taking day by day is the only option. x