Lost our newborn

Lisha · 16-12-2011 12:10am

HI,

OP I ve nothing original to add but you ve been in my thoughts since I saw your post.

I am so sorry for you loss. There are no words but I can only imagine how devastated you both are.

I hope you both find a way through this. A friend of mine lost a baby too 5 years ago and she once said to me that she found that time just had to pass in its own way. Some times she took it minute by minute, then some day she would find that hours would pass but that she had to let time do its own thing and to concentrate on just getting herself through the minute, hour, day.

I know some one else mentioned ISANDS, they are a great organisation. It might not be your thing, I do hope this helps.

Thinking of you both, I wish you peace and comfort.

jm2011 · 18-12-2011 1:16am

Aw I shed a little tear reading this thread....I hope you're all doin ok! I know what its like for reasons I'm not gonna get into

Oral Slang · 18-12-2011 1:30am

Hi Cunning, I was on the pregnancy board with you & cried when I read your post. I've no personal experience with a loss so immense like yours, but just wanted to let you know that I haven't stopped thinking of you.

Friends of mine lost their little girl 2 weeks before her due date about 4 years ago. They were naturally shattered by this and it took a long time to come to terms with this loss, but have subsequently had 2 more little girls.

Take each day as it comes & grieve as much as you want. Fingers crossed things will get better for you as time passes. xxx

eyeball kid · 18-12-2011 5:17am

Nothing really to add but thinking of you, take care.

Cunning Stunt · 18-12-2011 3:40pm

Hi all,

just to let you know we are doing OK. It's been 3 weeks of hell, but we are hopefully starting to emerge on the other side of it now. I can go a day or two without breaking down, which is progress.

We are just back from visiting her in the cemetary and it's a strange thing to say but it always seems to cheer us up, when we have been there.

Today is my birthday and although it is obviously the worst birthday ever, and I didn't want to mark the occasion, I have agreed with my OH that we might break out some of our xmas decorations. He doesn't think it is a good thing to try to ignore Christmas and maybe he is right.
I was of the opinion that decorating would be disrespectful to our baby, but I remember a good friend told me that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. So we will put a few things around the house and try to catch some Christmas cheer.

Thanks again for all of your kind words and thoughts and we wish you all a Merry Christmas.
Cunning

Acoshla · 18-12-2011 4:34pm

My mom says no lost loved one would begrudge their family Christmas decorations, anything that gives you a brief moment of fun/entertainment, like a set of fairy lights or glittery baubles, is a good thing. I hope that doesn't sound silly or anything.

And your friend is very right, nobody can tell you how to grieve or judge you for how you do it. When my best friend's fiancé committed suicide she wore 5 inch high electric blue heels to his funeral. A lot of people made quite mean comments about them being inappropriate and that they didn't "fit" with the distraught girlfriend image. I smiled when I saw the shoes, she wore them because he always said he loved them on her, that was what mattered to her, not what others might think. People cope with grief in very different ways, do what is best for you and your OH.

I really hope that the New Year brings you both peace, happiness, comfort, and anything else that you want and deserve xx

Fittle · 18-12-2011 6:04pm

I'm one of the many people who have been reading your comments OP, but who haven't known what to say, so we've just continued to read. There are no right or wrongs in grief - we do what gets us through. I lost both my parents by the age of 22 and as a woman in my 40s now, can use the old cliche 'time is a great healer' with some feeling. Yes, time heals, because ultimately, we all have to get on with what we call 'life'. But you never forget.

I remember one of my biggest fears, particularly after my mum died, was that my memories of her would somehow fade, and wouldn't be as clear as they were then. But while that did happen in certain periods of my life, I can still see her sitting beside me, as clearly as if it were yesterday, and she died almost 20years ago.

So I just wanted to say that you have been on my mind. The birth of my own son was the best moment of my life and I won't even pretend to imagine that I can feel your pain. But I've prayed for you and your partner and your daughter and I hope that in time, you too will learn to cope with your pain.

xzanti · 18-12-2011 8:09pm

Cunning Stunt wrote: »

Today is my birthday and
I was of the opinion that decorating would be disrespectful to our baby,

I won't say 'happy' but I wish you a peaceful Birthday.. your little girl would love to see her Mammy and Daddy put their decorations up.. as a symbol of hope if nothing else.. I'm sure she is always with you..

Lisha · 26-12-2011 9:59pm

Hi OP,

just wanted to say you have been in my thoughts the last few days.

Take care of yourselves,

Lisha

CathyMoran · 26-12-2011 10:18pm

Another person who has just been reading this thread - I am so sorry for your loss - hugs.

Cunning Stunt · 27-12-2011 4:07pm

Hi,
Thanks for your thoughts.
We have been told now that it will probably be mid-February before we get any results from the hospital autopsy etc. I hate the thoughts of waiting that long to find out what went so wrong. I won't go into detail on this forum but in the 12 hours I was in the hospital, everything was going like clockwork and the staff were of course happily telling us to expect our baby soon. It was only in the last half hour of the labour that all hell broke loose. That's why it was such a huge shock - we were completely unprepared for her leaving us.

We have both been going over the whole scenario so many times, trying to determine what could/ could not have been done differently - trying to remember even the smallest of details - trawling the internet for info on possible causes and preventative measures etc. We really need closure on this. But we also need to prepare ourselves for the possibility that we may never know exactly why she died.

So that's where we are. We are definitely getting better emotionally and can talk about it quite openly. Tears are getting fewer and farther between. But the question 'why' is still there.

I am a friend · 27-12-2011 5:15pm

Op would it be possible to meet with the hospital to try to find out what happened? It may somehow help you get to February when hopefully there will be more in-depth answers.

Have you been in touch with isands - a friend found them very helpful after they lost their first baby.

27-12-2011 5:22pm

I'm so so sorry for your loss op, you are in my thoughts

07744

Cunning Stunt · 28-12-2011 9:29am

I am a friend wrote: »

Op would it be possible to meet with the hospital to try to find out what happened? It may somehow help you get to February when hopefully there will be more in-depth answers.

a consultation is what we have been offered in Feb. They will call us in to go over the findings from the autopsy. They have said we will not be called in before they have all of the info compiled and ready.

I am a friend · 28-12-2011 3:44pm

Cunning Stunt wrote: »

a consultation is what we have been offered in Feb. They will call us in to go over the findings from the autopsy. They have said we will not be called in before they have all of the info compiled and ready.

Ah thats hard going... I suppose taking day by day is the only option. x

Lost our newborn

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