Mother-in-law Interference...

CyberDave

We had our first little daughter a few days ago. We are delighted and are so glad all is OK, with both Mom and baby. We have been inundated with visitors and that is grand, but as I have suspected my Mother-in-law has started becoming very overbearing. Now I know we should be glad of the extra help, but there is a point when it becomes too much and is instead interfering. She has reminded us at very opportunity that she will be available for babysitting and has been telling all her friends how busy she is going to be from now on. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but it is our child and iwill spend the majority of her time with us. We will need help from time to time but I know she is going to be trying to spend as much time as possible with us. And I just don't want that. She is excited and that is understandable as its her first grandchild, but I would like to raise the child as we want, with less interference. How do you let her know, without hurting her feelings that she needs to give us more space?

How Strange

Wow that sounds very familiar but in my case it was my husbands mum. It drive me totally crazy and to tears on quite a few occasions.

In our case she calmed down after a few months and now she's fine. I'd suggest letting her spend an hour or two every week with your little one. You and your wife could go for lunch or a walk etc. I know with my mother in law that giving her time on her own with our son so she could have her own relationship with him calmed the whole situation down.

CyberDave

I know. She's just driving me crazy already. She has planned a week off work once I go back to work and my fear is we will have her every evening if she gets used to that. Is there really need for two people to mind a little child for the 8 hours I'm at work? I know my wife won't say anything to her, because she doesn't want to hurt her feelings either. Whever she tries she gets the guilt-trips or crying. In my opinion it's selfish. She started a new job a few months ago and is cutting down to a three-day-week from January onwards. This may come in handy when my wife is back in work, but it's just a signal really of how much she will interfere. I liked the woman mostly, but in small doses. I don't like to begrudge her time with her grandaughter, she really needs to back off a little.

How Strange

Wow you're saying exactly what I used to say to my husband. I'd really recommend you start as you mean to continue. Make sure she's helping you rather than just being in the way. As I said get her to do a little baby minding etc but let her know it's time to leave if or when she's wearing out her welcome. I was lucky because for the most part my husband would say that it was time for her to go. It might seem a bit abrupt or rude but it's better than bottling it up and blowing a gasket in a few months time.

Orion

If it's too much and it's interfering then you need to say so. You can be gentle about it and just say that you would like some time alone with your child without her 'help'. Tell her that you appreciate the help but would like to make your own mistakes so you can learn from them.

If the gentle hints don't work just simply tell her you want space and when you need her help you'll ask. Being firm in this case will prevent an explosion later.

She's raised kids herself and she'll understand. She probably doesn't realise that she's too involved for your liking.

angelfire9

The one thing I would say is that as its the first grandchild and it is your wife's mother, maybe she is trying to help her daughter out as much as she can for the first few weeks?
It is driving your wife mad as well or just you?
I know that my mother was far more hands on with my kids than she was with my brother's kids as she wanted to help me just as much as bond with the baby

Just a thought :cool:

CyberDave

angelfire9 wrote: »

The one thing I would say is that as its the first grandchild and it is your wife's mother, maybe she is trying to help her daughter out as much as she can for the first few weeks?
It is driving your wife mad as well or just you?
I know that my mother was far more hands on with my kids than she was with my brother's kids as she wanted to help me just as much as bond with the baby

Just a thought

I understand she is trying to help and we will be glad of it sometimes. It does get to my wife at times, but as I said if she do try and get her to ease off a little she guilt-trips my wife and makes us feel sorry for her. I understand completely her wanting to help, but between the two of us we have it covered most of the time. I may be overeacting a little to the initial excitement, hopefully I am. We'll just have to wait and see how things pan out.

Thanks all, for your comments.

Little My

CyberDave wrote: »

Is there really need for two people to mind a little child for the 8 hours I'm at work?

There isn't any need, as such, but I was on my own with the baby all the time once my husband went back to work and I found it really hard.

Having someone there so I could get a shower in peace and have some lunch would have made things a lot easier.

Even having someone else there just to make a cup of tea makes all the difference.

cynder

I would be with anglefire on this one. Moms love to help out when their grand kids are born, i doubt very much she want to interfere she Just wants to share her love with a new member of the family.

Granny and grandchild bonds are great. She only wants a chance to bond with her new grandchild. Dont be so eager to push her away.

prettygurrly

she's just excited. i think you're really lucky that you have someone who wants to help you out cos as the friend of lots of new mothers, as was already said, having someone to make you a cup of tea, fold washing, give u hand with keeping the house etc. is a godsend. maybe you should not look at it as interfering. ultimately how you bring up your child will be down to you no matter how much time the grandmother spends with them.

also nothing wrong with someone else to give your child boundaries...my nan was really strict with us but gave me a respect for old people and made me more considerate of my mum. this is something that should happen, a family isn't just you and your wife and child. you're very lucky to have extended family who want to help you.

dont agree with your m-i-l guilt tripping you though. that needs to be stopped but you can only do that by making her feel involved and setting boundaries of your own.

angelfire9

Little My wrote: »

There isn't any need, as such, but I was on my own with the baby all the time once my husband went back to work and I found it really hard.

Having someone there so I could get a shower in peace and have some lunch would have made things a lot easier.

Even having someone else there just to make a cup of tea makes all the difference.

A cup of tea.... and so much more!
I've got my mother taking Aisling for a few hours tomorrow so that I can do a proper cleaning before the decorations go up! Impossible to do with a curious baby!

Hannibal Smith

I would say try not to anticipate too much what its going to be like and wait and see, because you might just snap at her at the wrong time. My mother is exactly like your mother in law so I understand where you're coming from...but your wife might be glad of the help. Those first few days by yourself with a newborn when your other half goes back to work can be quite daunting and to have some one there who has been there before can be a help.

If you find her too much have a word with your wife and decide together what you're going to do about it. You don't want your wife feeling like a referee either.

Best of luck I hope she's not as bad as you're expecting andd congratulations!

silverharp

OP,take all the help you can get, neither of you will get a straight 8 hours sleep for the next year, and the first year can be stressful just due to tiredness etc.

Cat Melodeon

CyberDave wrote: »

She has planned a week off work once I go back to work and my fear is we will have her every evening if she gets used to that. Is there really need for two people to mind a little child for the 8 hours I'm at work?

It's a shame you feel her to be overbearing as having someone to help out in the first couple of weeks can be an absolute godsend, provided they stay within their boundaries. Both my parents have passed away and I'll never forget the loneliness I felt as a new first-time mum the week my husband went back to work after our son was born.

I'd suggest making a visitor schedule. Your wife may not know how she's going to feel on her own - you might assume she's fine but she might find it tough, especially if she's still establishing breastfeeding. It's quite a luxury to have someone on hand to put on a wash of clothes or make a dinner or give a quick hoover or mind the baby while you have a shower or pop out to the shops or whatever. But make it time-limited. she shouldn't be in the house before 10am and should be gone home before you get back from work so that you have privacy as a family.

Whatever you choose to do, use diplomacy. If you plan on having more children, you will rue the day you alienated an enthusiastic flexible potential childminder - everything gets more complicated second time round (who'll mind your firstborn when #2 is being born, and help out in the subsequent weeks when mum is trying to get to grips with both a newborn and a rampaging toddler?). If you hurt the mother-in-law's feelings now, she might decide to let you go hang in the future. Let her share the excitement now and keep her around, just put time limits on it and preserve your family time. She shouldn't be offended by that once you put it to her the right way, and you might actually end up appreciating her help.

LegacyUser

I feel your pain Dave. I started being abrupt to mine so she would get the message. There is nothing as bad plus we had a nosey neighbour calling everyday driving herself mad.

Best of luck.

littlebug

I'd have given my left arm to have had someone to help me in the early days/ weeks/ months, not only for helping with the practical stuff but also sometimes for plain old conversation.
If you're lucky enough to have a baby who eats/ sleeps on routine then maybe it's not that difficult for one person (I don't know as I didn't have "that" baby ) but lord when its tough it can be really tough:(. I think if a stranger off the street had offered to come into my house and help me I'd have said yes!

LegacyUser

My MIL has never minded out soon to be 4 yrs old, see him about 4-5 times a year.....my mam doesnt bother either....I have the other side of the coin