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The worst sex you have ever had with someone?

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    #272
    44leto
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,137 ✭✭✭44leto


    I only give bad sex I never receive it.


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    #273
    blue note
    Registered Users Posts: 4,543 ✭✭✭blue note


    ibarelycare wrote: »
    Teyla Emmagan wrote: »
    This post will lack disgustingness, for which I will apologise - in the spirit of the thread.

    My only really bad night of sex was with a guy who was in the 'too drunk to come stage' (my first experience of the phenomenon), but who still had the energy of a marathon runner. I swear, it took about three hours, during which I pretzeled, did acrobatics, nearly knocked out my epiglottis, and basically did everything I could to get him off.

    Still failed. And had cystisis from my poor bruised fanny for a good week (agony, seriously).

    These days I have a time limit - get off or get off me. It's working much better:D


    Ugh I hate that! I'd rather have a 60-seconder than a 60-minuter :D

    We should hook up!


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    #274
    ziggy23
    Registered Users Posts: 1,919 ✭✭✭ziggy23


    C.D. wrote: »
    After all these years.. is it you?!

    *prepares to delete boards account*

    Haha if it is you you're sh1te in bed:pac::pac:


    Nah this was just a spontaneous nosebleed


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    #275
    Tayla
    Registered Users Posts: 2,158 ✭✭✭Tayla


    There's this guy who lives near me, heard a story about him that he went to a prostitute, tied ham and cheese around his willy with string :confused: and then started to have sex with the prostitute, pulled out and then ate the ham & cheese :eek:


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    #276
    ThinkAboutIt
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭ThinkAboutIt


    Tayla wrote: »
    There's this guy who lives near me, heard a story about him that he went to a prostitute, tied ham and cheese around his willy with string :confused: and then started to have sex with the prostitute, pulled out and then ate the ham & cheese :eek:

    Get out of town. No. Way.


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    #277
    ziggy23
    Registered Users Posts: 1,919 ✭✭✭ziggy23


    Tayla wrote: »
    There's this guy who lives near me, heard a story about him that he went to a prostitute, tied ham and cheese around his willy with string :confused: and then started to have sex with the prostitute, pulled out and then ate the ham & cheese :eek:

    I'm nearly after choking!! Why oh why:eek::eek:


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    #278
    ibarelycare
    Registered Users Posts: 58,456 ✭✭✭✭ibarelycare


    blue note wrote: »
    We should hook up!


    Ah well at least you're honest :D


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    #279
    Arawn
    Registered Users Posts: 3,158 ✭✭✭Arawn


    ziggy23 wrote: »
    I'm nearly after choking!! Why oh why:eek::eek:
    wrong time to be eating a cheese and ham sammich?


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    #280
    Captain Darling
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,542 ✭✭✭Captain Darling


    I'm currently watching a silver back gorilla documentary on RTE two. There were two of them 'mating' a while ago, reminded me of this thread for some reason.


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    #281
    booboo88
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,107 ✭✭✭booboo88


    Captain Darling wrote: »
    I'm currently watching a silver back gorilla documentary on RTE two. There were two of them 'mating' a while ago, reminded me of this thread for some reason.

    Cause they're all animals


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    #282
    ziggy23
    Registered Users Posts: 1,919 ✭✭✭ziggy23


    Arawn wrote: »
    wrong time to be eating a cheese and ham sammich?

    Even worse a cheese and ham panini


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    #283
    jockeyboard
    Registered Users Posts: 783 ✭✭✭jockeyboard


    mariano rivera wrote: »
    When did you buy the taco?

    Before the agreement to have sex?

    Or after the agreement?

    "Fancy a shag?"

    Sure, let me get a taco first"

    what is a taco please??


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    #284
    xoxyx
    Registered Users Posts: 1,811 ✭✭✭xoxyx


    This has got to be my worst - not so much that the sex was bad (although it wasn't exactly good), but it's the one that has stayed with me.

    I hooked up with a guy years ago - I was 17 and he was 19, but he was a virgin. I had been staying in my aunt's for the summer, and myself and this guy had been going out for a few weeks when I had a free place and I took him home.

    We went up to my room and started making out and things started moving on. But, maybe because he had waited for a while and wanted it to be special, he was moving very slowly and reverently. It took about an hour before we actually got to the deed - which was fine - but, even then, he was moving sooooooo slowly and spending ages just lying on top of me with this big grin on his face. I didn't want to pick up the pace, 'cause it was his first time, and he seemed to be enjoying himself, and whenever I started moving it a bit more, he slowed it down again.

    Then, all of a sudden, he pushes his upper body up with his hands and shouts out "I can't believe I'm having sex"

    Cue heavy footsteps racing up the stairs. My aunt had come back and heard him roaring! She burst into the room and started screaming at me. Yer man just froze, so there I was - him on top of me, I'm desperately trying to escape, and my aunt is calling me every name under the sun!

    She didn't leave either, and the poor guy had to find his clothes and get dressed in front of her and she stood in front of the door blocking his escape until she'd had a good go at him too.

    I made it up to him though. :D


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    #285
    Snowie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭Snowie


    Teyla Emmagan wrote: »
    This post will lack disgustingness, for which I will apologise - in the spirit of the thread.

    My only really bad night of sex was with a guy who was in the 'too drunk to come stage' (my first experience of the phenomenon), but who still had the energy of a marathon runner. I swear, it took about three hours, during which I pretzeled, did acrobatics, nearly knocked out my epiglottis, and basically did everything I could to get him off.

    Still failed. And had cystisis from my poor bruised fanny for a good week (agony, seriously).

    These days I have a time limit - get off or get off me. It's working much better:D


    this happened to me one light with a french girl , she was enjoying it tho but could i bust my nuts could I fvck I tired and tired and tried and i nearly got thee except it went away so eventually we gave up i passed out she woke me up tho nice way

    ibarelycare wrote: »
    Ugh I hate that! I'd rather have a 60-seconder

    you guess it i lasted about ^^^^ :o but it was good...


    another time i put a condom on that wouldn't fit it squeezed the life out of it :( that was disspointing


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    #286
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    Tayla wrote: »
    There's this guy who lives near me, heard a story about him that he went to a prostitute, tied ham and cheese around his willy with string :confused: and then started to have sex with the prostitute, pulled out and then ate the ham & cheese :eek:

    If he had just not washed his knob for a while he could have saved a couple of euro on the cheese ;)

    :pac:


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    #287
    King of Kings
    Registered Users Posts: 1,695 ✭✭✭King of Kings


    met a girl in gibneys in malahide once and brought her back home.
    fell asleep after a few rounds of pretty decent ONS.

    anyway next morning talking to her and she starts crying.

    turns out she was married and he was expecting her home the night before.

    I dunno if it was the guilt or the fear of getting caught but it was kinda awkward and seeing as it was my home I couldn't do a runner

    ***

    A few other disasters - ended up being with my neighbour once - our kids were in the same creche. She was really hairy and smelly downstaires but I felt it would be rude not continue.
    But it was awkward as for months after she wanted a repeat performance.


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    #288
    ziggy23
    Registered Users Posts: 1,919 ✭✭✭ziggy23


    Snowie wrote: »
    this happened to me one light with a french girl , she was enjoying it tho but could i bust my nuts could I fvck I tired and tired and tried and i nearly got thee except it went away so eventually we gave up i passed out she woke me up tho nice way




    you guess it i lasted about ^^^^ :o but it was good...


    another time i put a condom on that wouldn't fit it squeezed the life out of it :( that was disspointing

    oh hello big boy :pac::pac:


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    #289
    Snowie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭Snowie


    Teyla Emmagan wrote: »
    This post will lack disgustingness, for which I will apologise - in the spirit of the thread.

    My only really bad night of sex was with a guy who was in the 'too drunk to come stage' (my first experience of the phenomenon), but who still had the energy of a marathon runner. I swear, it took about three hours, during which I pretzeled, did acrobatics, nearly knocked out my epiglottis, and basically did everything I could to get him off.

    Still failed. And had cystisis from my poor bruised fanny for a good week (agony, seriously).

    These days I have a time limit - get off or get off me. It's working much better:D
    ziggy23 wrote: »
    [/B]
    oh hello big boy :pac::pac:

    :eek:

    are you getting fresh with me :pac:


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    #290
    The Davestator
    Registered Users Posts: 3,427 ✭✭✭The Davestator


    I cant wait for the next After Hours session!

    *writes down some sluts user names*


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    #291
    dr.bollocko
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    The Davestator wrote: »
    I cant wait for the next After Hours session!

    *writes down some sluts user names*

    Is every woman who has sex a slut? Or just the ones who confess to occasionally enjoy it?

    Or just the ones who don't only have sex inside of wedlock floating on a ****ing pearl in the dark while praying or something?


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    #292
    smallBiscuit
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,074 ✭✭✭smallBiscuit


    JohnnyTodd wrote: »
    A friend of mine the messer that he is. Tried to fart on his girlfriends back and followed through. He had to sneakily scrape the ****e off her back with the duvet.

    Lucky for him she never copped on
    Just sprayed coffee all over screen :-)


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    #293
    Dudess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 37,214 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    Apparently it's not ideal to be dating a woman who has a child, but at least she's a "goer".
    To me, a goer would imply a woman who's promiscuous and/or good in bed - can't see how having a baby guarantees either. Interesting take.


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    #294
    Snowie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭Snowie


    Dudess wrote: »
    Apparently it's not ideal to be dating a woman who has a child, but at least she's a "goer".
    To me, a goer would imply a woman who's promiscuous and/or good in bed - can't see how having a baby guarantees either. Interesting take.

    well if she has kids she must like the sexy time and all...... Hence a goer...


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    #295
    The Davestator
    Registered Users Posts: 3,427 ✭✭✭The Davestator


    dr.bollocko wrote: »
    Is every woman who has sex a slut? Or just the ones who confess to occasionally enjoy it?

    Or just the ones who don't only have sex inside of wedlock floating on a ****ing pearl in the dark while praying or something?

    I didn't get the memo about jokes not being allowed on after hours any longer!
    No offence meant


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    #296
    Dudess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 37,214 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    Snowie wrote: »
    Dudess wrote: »
    Apparently it's not ideal to be dating a woman who has a child, but at least she's a "goer".
    To me, a goer would imply a woman who's promiscuous and/or good in bed - can't see how having a baby guarantees either. Interesting take.

    well if she has kids she must like the sexy time and all...... Hence a goer...
    Might not be that into sex at all.


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    #297
    Nodin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46,938 ✭✭✭✭Nodin


    Snowie wrote: »
    well if she has kids she must like the sexy time and all...... Hence a goer...


    ....could have left her bitter and twisted. Ye wouldn't know.


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    #298
    Snowie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭Snowie


    Dudess wrote: »
    Might not be that into sex at all.

    might be me being a little bit windy apish :D:pac:

    you should know better :)
    Nodin wrote: »
    ....could have left her bitter and twisted. Ye wouldn't know.

    i don't know because i wasn't involved i was joking


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    #299
    pragmatic1
    Registered Users Posts: 5,573 ✭✭✭pragmatic1


    dr.bollocko wrote: »
    Is every woman who has sex a slut? Or just the ones who confess to occasionally enjoy it?

    Or just the ones who don't only have sex inside of wedlock floating on a ****ing pearl in the dark while praying or something?
    Yes. Sluts the lot of em.


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    #300
    Temptamperu
    Registered Users Posts: 5,303 ✭✭✭Temptamperu


    Nodin wrote: »
    ....could have left her bitter and twisted. Ye wouldn't know.
    An angry fuck is rapid :D


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    #301
    CiaranMT
    Registered Users Posts: 4,092 ✭✭✭CiaranMT


    Dudess wrote: »
    Apparently it's not ideal to be dating a woman who has a child, but at least she's a "goer".
    To me, a goer would imply a woman who's promiscuous and/or good in bed - can't see how having a baby guarantees either. Interesting take.
    Dudess wrote: »
    Might not be that into sex at all.
    Nodin wrote: »
    ....could have left her bitter and twisted. Ye wouldn't know.

    Back up the truck, more brevity needed in these parts :P


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