The worst sex you have ever had with someone?

The Black Oil

ibarelycare wrote: »

Jesus christ...:(

He's ridden a few bikes alright.

44leto

Johnny Foreigner wrote: »

I was 19 years old and my girlfriend was 17. I wasn't allowed to stay over at her parents house, or to enter her bedroom as her Father was very protective. He was a football Referee, and was always out at a match on Sunday mornings for 2 hours. So after months of frustration we arranged next Sunday was to be our session. Regular as clockwork her father went off to the match Sunday morning. As soon as he was gone I was in her house and up the stairs. Her parents had a four poster king size bed, and I decided this was too good to resist. We had 2 hours with the house free and I was going to make the most of it. We got undressed and started having a good time. So much so that we didn't notice the torrential rain outside. Little did we know but the match had been rained off and her father was on his way home from the match. I was busy pounding his daughter doggy style on his four poster bed when he walked in soaked in his Referee kit. The look of shock on his face as he walked in and saw his daughter impaled on me was priceless. My girlfriend had a panic attack. I burst out laughing in fear, which sent her father into a rage. I quickly grabbed my clothes and got dressed running down the stairs while he tore into her. Then I realised his car was blocking mine in on the drive way. I would have to go back and ask him to move his car. He came out of the house and pinned me up against the wall. My legs buckled with fear as I tried to stutter an apology. Then to make matters worse, my legs were shaking so much my clutch control wasn't the best, and I reversed into his car on the driveway. He got out of his car and tried to rip my locked car door open to hit me while swearing as I made a quick get away. I never saw her again.

LOL
Referee kit and everything, that would be a hilarious scene in a film. Best post in the thread.

Seachmall

Kev. wrote: »

A few years ago I got very drunk,pulled this chick and went back to her Gaff.

While she went upstairs to fit into something a bit more sexy I decided to give my Lad a wash in her kitchen sink,

While doing this I gave my Lad a quick drying with the tea towel and put him away for some big time action,

She came downstairs and we started to get into it kissing and feeling her boobs....

Then I asked her to kiss my chest...

She did and while doing so she was coressing my pork sausage

As she unzipped my jeans and was getting ready to blow him we both looked down and to both of our amazements....




Was a baked bean sitting proudly on my pubic hairs


I never seen her again......

Isn't that from that FHM book of amusing sex stories

homerjay2005

Johnny Foreigner wrote: »

I never saw her again.

why? did you break up with her or something or was she grounded permanently?

JohnnyTodd

44leto wrote: »

LOL
Referee kit and everything, that would be a hilarious scene in a film. Best post in the thread.

Funny how this story keeps appearing. Your not the first to ride a referees daughter, get caught in act, and drive into his car.

Duggy747

Had a house party

Got drunk

Got with a girl

We went upstairs

Undo her clothes

Pull off her knickers

Stench of rotted fish and something like vomit sobers me up

Do the polite thing and carry on but the stench begins to make me wretch.

I try to come up with an excuse to get out of my smelly predicament........luckily her friends were going home at that time so I subtlely pursuade her to do so since the punks downstairs were thrashing my house.

I'm in bathroom washing my hands to get rid of the horrific smell of death off my hands when she comes in to say goodbye and instead sees me furiously pouring Dettol all over my hands in that "Unclean...........Uncleaaaaaaaaaaaaaann!!!! manner.

Girl won't stop stalking me for months afterwards sending me random texts at 5am telling me how much she loves me and how special that night was :eek:

---

Different girl was a bit of a slip-up from me considering she was a known pyscho. Used to cut her legs badly and then wear short skirts out before pointing them out to random people.

I was pissed one night and somehow wound up back in her house. We were chatting, having the craic, all going pretty well. She brings me upstairs, plonks me on her bed and tells me to wait why'll she goes to the toilet.

The second she mentioned toilet I realised I badly needed a piss too so when she came into the room I shot into the jacks after and had a challenging pee considering I had a raging horn.

Anyways, I head back to the bedroom all ready to go for some Duggy lovin'. I open the door to suddenly find her in a foetal position in the corner of the room, rocking violently back and forth.............horn deactivated.

It got awkward fast as I didn't know what the hell to do so I try talking to her to which she pounces up on top of me and litteraly starts clawing at my back. I still have a huge scar on my back from that.

It got too wierd, too fast for me so I just bolted out the door.

The very next week she got with one of my mates and left him a complete write-off. He looked like he had an orgy with garden rakes and doesn't like to talk much about what happened that night :pac:

jonnyfingers

A lot of stories in this thread seem to be blatantly ripped off from other stories. Not happy with that. :mad:

Anyway, I once got caught having sex with an apple pie by my dad. It was so embarrassing.

But not as embarrassing as when I suffered premature ejaculation twice on webcam with the whole school watching.

matt-dublin

jonnyfingers wrote: »

A lot of stories in this thread seem to be blatantly ripped off from other stories. Not happy with that. :mad:

Anyway, I once got caught having sex with an apple pie by my dad. It was so embarrassing.

But not as embarrassing as when I suffered premature ejaculation twice on webcam with the whole school watching.

are you the fella who superglued his hand to his man fruit and a vhs tape????

builttospill

Sure why not...

Back when I was an awful booze hound I had been out for a full weekend drinking. Come Sunday night myself and a mate were in bits and we met up with two girls we were friends with. So when the pub stopped serving the girls invited us back to their place for a few drinks. By the time I got back there I was a mess, I really couldn't keep drinking. In my inebriated state, from the chair I was sitting in, I noticed that there was another girl sitting in another chair next to me who must have been the two girls flatmate. I didn't speak to this girl and I didn't even look at her as i was so pished and within about 10 mins I asked the other girls was there a bed so I could go to sleep. They said yeah and showed me to this room. Grand I thought, off to sleep for the night.

So, I drifted off in the pitch dark room but soon after I was awoken by a girl jumping into bed beside me and kissing me etc. I assumed it was one of the girls I knew and who I kind of liked. So away I went in my drunken state and within mins we were shagging. Once that was over I turned on the light to get my ciggies out of my jeans pocket. When I turned around to face the girl who i thought it was I came face to face with her flatmate, the one who I had never spoken to in my life or even looked at hardly. She wasn't the best looking either and so i got a serious fright. I imagine the look on my face when she smiled at me must have been frightening for her as well.

So I light up a cigarette thinking to myself what the fcuk should I do here. Next thing I know she has a big teddy bear black panther on her lap, you know one of those massive ones that is about a third the size of the real thing. She's petting away at it and talking to it while I'm sitting there smoking wondering what the fcuk is going on. Suddenly the two girls I know open the door and stick their heads in. They start pishing themselves laughing and they say hello. Then my mate sticks his big drunken red face in and starts pishing himself laughing at the two of us naked in the bed with a furry black panther between us.

Seeing as I'm still rotten drunk I look up at them and point at the girl who I thought I was shagging. I say to her in front of everyone "I thought I was riding you." Cue a mixture of embarrassment and laughter. I kind of come to my senses and I get up out of there and go and join the other two girls and my mate in the other bedroom. Then I start feeling bad for the girl I just shagged about what I had said. So I'm sitting there with the two girls and my mate when suddenly the panther woman lands in not a bother on her and tries to drag me out of the room for seconds. She still has the panther under her arm and the rest of them are laughing away (well actually the girl who I pointed at and said I thought I was shagging was more embarrassed than anything).

To cut a long story short I refused to go with panther woman and I fell asleep on the floor somewhere. The next day myself and my mate got the fcuk out of there very early. The whole way down the road he kept looking at me and bursting out laughing. Then we went for a pint.

Seachmall

builttospill wrote: »

<snip>

I can only imagine the ****storm if you were female and she was male :eek:

Then we went for a pint.

At least it has a happy ending.

jonnyfingers

matt-dublin wrote: »

are you the fella who superglued his hand to his man fruit and a vhs tape????

Ah, you've seen my work.

smodgley

:pac:

xxxJennyxxx wrote: »

Best post by far! Haha bloody hilarious, a case of what can go wrong, will go wrong and everything did indeed go wrong!

sweet jesus i nearly died laughing at this .

blaze1

Was getting it on with some random slapper when i was about 16, she was just lying there like a sack of spuds and after 2 litres of cider my knob didnt want to move to much either.

So i told her to wait there and i'd be back in a sec. I walked back over to my mates ready to admit defeat and her friend comes over and asks whats up so I just said it wasnt getting going, by whcih point she grabs my hand a takes me off to another bush and we have a great ride.

Gotta love english girls..

My mate ended up with the other one Btw... That was a High 5 moment

Dublin_Gunner

blaze1 wrote: »

Was getting it on with some random slapper when i was about 16, she was just lying there like a sack of spuds and after 2 litres of cider my knob didnt want to move to much either.

So i told her to wait there and i'd be back in a sec. I walked back over to my mates ready to admit defeat and her friend comes over and asks whats up so I just said it wasnt getting going, by whcih point she grabs my hand a takes me off to another bush and we have a great ride.

Gotta love english girls..

My mate ended up with the other one Btw... That was a High 5 moment

I think you missed the thread title...

blaze1

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

I think you missed the thread title...

No man, I'd the foresight to see that if i did go thru with the first one it would've been godly awful.

Unregistered.

Kev. wrote: »

Was a baked bean sitting proudly on my pubic hairs


I never seen her again......

AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH HAH AHA HAH A HA HAHA HA HA HA H AH AH HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Laika1986

When I was about 17 I was going out with a girl who let's say was never overly motivated sexually, hence why she is now an ex. So the day finally came for her to give me her first blowjob. So I was lying on her bed, naked and everything as it should be. She then preceded to hover over my cock for(and this is no exaggeration) about 5 minutes as she psyched herself up to do it saying "your a big girl now, youl be in college soon you'll have to do it etc". She was still doing this when I said if you dont want to do it you dont have to, which obviously worked as I basically called her chicken. She then started but it was terrible and in the end quite pointless!!

44leto

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

I think you missed the thread title...

Maybe it was his only ride so that would make it the best and the "worse".

It wasn't me!

builttospill wrote: »

The whole way down the road he kept looking at me and bursting out laughing. Then we went for a pint.

Ah, the essence of friendship!

Stiffler2

boomkatalog wrote: »

There was the guy who pulled out just as I was about to cum. He was about to himself, but wouldn't cum inside me, despite having a condom on. I've never been so close to killing someone in my life.

Same guy also tried to lick whipped cream off my tummy once. He forgot to refrigerate it first, it did not smell/taste nice, gone off dairy is a serious mood killer

Another guy was both small, fcuked like a little jack hammer and never lasted longer than 3 minutes. He was asked 'is it in yet?' on more than one occasion.

A guy once called me 'mistress' during sex too. I had to give him head just to stop myself from laughing.

I do this probably 95% of the time. The wife isn't happy but she cums before I do anyway and women get the multiples so who cares since she has cum already.

The main reason for this is I fookin hate kids so there ye go ladies.
If blokes do this to you you now know the reason why.

Gummy Panda

themadchef wrote: »

Nodin wrote: »

....could have left her bitter and twisted. Ye wouldn't know.

Mmmm bitter, twisted, man hatin' and lookin' to torture an unsuspecting man whore for a couple of days before letting him die painfully and disposing of his body in lime.

crazy bunny boilers! :eek:

smash

Stiffler2 wrote: »

I do this probably 95% of the time. The wife isn't happy

I'm sure she'll be here to contribute soon...

Seriously? 95% of the time? Way to fúck up a good shagging session!

44leto

I once got caught in mid flow with a randomer on the family living room couch by my ma at 3 in the morning.

The sex was sex to an 19 year old, which off course was great sex. Any sex at that age was great sex.

But GAWD when I awoke and remembered my Ma's expression, I DIED A DEATH. I just didn't want to get out of bed to face her. I lay there till 3 wanting to die. Then I braved it and there were my parents sitting at the table. I poured some cornflakes and put my head almost in the bowl afraid to catch her eye.

Then she asked, "who was that girl" err I met her at ***** 21st, "was that the first time you met her" yeah "did you use protection" then an almost primal scream came out of me MAaaaa will you stop asking me about it.

Then my Da made me scrub the couch. The girl rang me a load of times, I liked her but she was NEVER going to meet my Ma, it just was not going to happen...

ArraMusha

...did she laugh at ur best...:p

Captain Darling

Johnny Foreigner wrote: »

I was 19 years old and my girlfriend was 17. I wasn't allowed to stay over at her parents house, or to enter her bedroom as her Father was very protective. He was a football Referee, and was always out at a match on Sunday mornings for 2 hours. So after months of frustration we arranged next Sunday was to be our session. Regular as clockwork her father went off to the match Sunday morning. As soon as he was gone I was in her house and up the stairs. Her parents had a four poster king size bed, and I decided this was too good to resist. We had 2 hours with the house free and I was going to make the most of it. We got undressed and started having a good time. So much so that we didn't notice the torrential rain outside. Little did we know but the match had been rained off and her father was on his way home from the match. I was busy pounding his daughter doggy style on his four poster bed when he walked in soaked in his Referee kit. The look of shock on his face as he walked in and saw his daughter impaled on me was priceless. My girlfriend had a panic attack. I burst out laughing in fear, which sent her father into a rage. I quickly grabbed my clothes and got dressed running down the stairs while he tore into her. Then I realised his car was blocking mine in on the drive way. I would have to go back and ask him to move his car. He came out of the house and pinned me up against the wall. My legs buckled with fear as I tried to stutter an apology. Then to make matters worse, my legs were shaking so much my clutch control wasn't the best, and I reversed into his car on the driveway. He got out of his car and tried to rip my locked car door open to hit me while swearing as I made a quick get away. I never saw her again.

It would be fair to say....

*puts on glasses*

....you got a straight red.



...YEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Captain Darling

Laika1986 wrote: »

When I was about 17 I was going out with a girl who let's say was never overly motivated sexually, hence why she is now an ex. So the day finally came for her to give me her first blowjob. So I was lying on her bed, naked and everything as it should be. She then preceded to hover over my cock for(and this is no exaggeration) about 5 minutes as she psyched herself up to do it saying "your a big girl now, youl be in college soon you'll have to do it etc". She was still doing this when I said if you dont want to do it you dont have to, which obviously worked as I basically called her chicken. She then started but it was terrible and in the end quite pointless!!

Had you pencilled it into your diary or something? A blow job on the 3rd of February at 16.43 hours followed by some classic intercourse?

Dublin_Gunner

Captain Darling wrote: »

It would be fair to say....

*puts on glasses*

....you got a straight red.

So did she - before the ref caught them off-side.

Laika1986

Captain Darling wrote: »

Had you pencilled it into your diary or something? A blow job on the 3rd of February at 16.43 hours followed by some classic intercourse?

The key to a good relationship is punctuality, everyone knows that

Galtee

Kev. wrote: »

A few years ago I got very drunk,pulled this chick and went back to her Gaff.

While she went upstairs to fit into something a bit more sexy I decided to give my Lad a wash in her kitchen sink,

While doing this I gave my Lad a quick drying with the tea towel and put him away for some big time action,

She came downstairs and we started to get into it kissing and feeling her boobs....

Then I asked her to kiss my chest...

She did and while doing so she was coressing my pork sausage

As she unzipped my jeans and was getting ready to blow him we both looked down and to both of our amazements....




Was a baked bean sitting proudly on my pubic hairs


I never seen her again......

Or it was a cold night more like it. :pac:

Rumpybumpy

I wish I was getting some some sex to have stories about worst of it