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The worst sex you have ever had with someone?

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    #452
    newmug
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,571 ✭✭✭newmug


    The_Minister wrote: »
    Not everyone has locks on their door.

    Not unless you live in an igloo or something:confused:


    And what the hell is a simpsons mouth?


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    #453
    matt-dublin
    Registered Users Posts: 4,468 ✭✭✭matt-dublin


    newmug wrote: »
    Not unless you live in an igloo or something:confused:


    And what the hell is a simpsons mouth?
    this maybe??


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    #454
    Ledger
    Registered Users Posts: 1,459 ✭✭✭Ledger


    Duggy747 wrote: »
    Had a house party

    Got drunk

    Got with a girl

    We went upstairs

    Undo her clothes

    Pull off her knickers

    Stench of rotted fish and something like vomit sobers me up

    Do the polite thing and carry on but the stench begins to make me wretch.

    I try to come up with an excuse to get out of my smelly predicament........luckily her friends were going home at that time so I subtlely pursuade her to do so since the punks downstairs were thrashing my house.

    I'm in bathroom washing my hands to get rid of the horrific smell of death off my hands when she comes in to say goodbye and instead sees me furiously pouring Dettol all over my hands in that "Unclean...........Uncleaaaaaaaaaaaaaann!!!! manner.

    Girl won't stop stalking me for months afterwards sending me random texts at 5am telling me how much she loves me and how special that night was :eek:

    Different girl was a bit of a slip-up from me considering she was a known pyscho. Used to cut her legs badly and then wear short skirts out before pointing them out to random people.

    I was pissed one night and somehow wound up back in her house. We were chatting, having the craic, all going pretty well. She brings me upstairs, plonks me on her bed and tells me to wait why'll she goes to the toilet.

    The second she mentioned toilet I realised I badly needed a piss too so when she came into the room I shot into the jacks after and had a challenging pee considering I had a raging horn.

    Anyways, I head back to the bedroom all ready to go for some Duggy lovin'. I open the door to suddenly find her in a foetal position in the corner of the room, rocking violently back and forth.............horn deactivated. :(

    It got awkward fast as I didn't know what the hell to do so I try talking to her to which she pounces up on top of me and litteraly starts clawing at my back. I still have a huge scar on my back from that.

    It got too wierd, too fast for me so I just bolted out the door.

    The very next week she got with one of my mates and left him a complete write-off. He looked like he had an orgy with garden rakes and doesn't like to talk much about what happened that night :pac:


    Duggy, what is it with you and attracting psycho women and housemates....


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    #455
    banie01
    Registered Users Posts: 16,692 ✭✭✭✭banie01


    smash wrote: »
    You finished off first though right?

    I'm still undecided if I should tell my story. Because it wasn't bad sex, but it ended up with a sexual injury which spiralled way out of control :D

    Nope!
    I did the gentlemanly thing and hopped off and tended to her ;)
    it paid back many many times in the long run ;)


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    #456
    SooooBored
    Closed Accounts Posts: 56 ✭✭SooooBored


    44leto wrote: »
    IThen her eyes start darting about the room and she start screaming "do you see that" err no, after a while of this type of behaviour I asked her to leave, then she start accusing me of been the devil's agent on Earth.

    Something very similar happened to me a couple of years ago. After a night out I ended goin back to this emo/rocker/goth chicks gaf. Not my normal type of woman but I said id give it a go, mite be something a bit different.........f*cking different was right.
    Anyway, in the scratcher goin at it, she is on top....grand. All of a sudden she lets out this almighty sream, I mean like a f*cking banshee and starts screaming ''your evil'' and claws at my face, proper attacking me. I throw her off me, I was so scared :eek:. Im trying to grab me clobber and do a runner but she is screaming out of her and scraping the **** out of me. She drew blood from my face and back and all.
    It was like that sex scene in conan the barbarian.......shook up for days I was. Stay well away from those type lads


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    #457
    jester77
    Registered Users Posts: 11,262 ✭✭✭✭jester77


    There was a girl I used to hook up with for a bit of fun every so often. One night around 2 or 3 am she gives me a call and asks if I want to go skinny dipping in the local pool (heated outdoor pool in the local fitness center). I call an end to the party in my apt, chuck the lads out and head off to meet her. So I meet her and her friend, we climb a fence into the local fitness complex, throw off our clothes and jump into the outdoor pool. Getting down and dirty when her friend shouts that there is a security guard, so we all jump out, grab our clothes and leg it across the lawn towards the fence. I throw on my pants, help the girls over and I try and swing myself over the fence. I slip and manage to rip my thigh in the barbed wire from my crotch to my knee, miraculously missing my sack. Luckily it was not too deep but it hurt like hell for a week or 2 and the pants were only fit for the bin.


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    #458
    MugMugs
    Registered Users Posts: 17,875 ✭✭✭✭MugMugs


    jester77 wrote: »
    There was a girl I used to hook up with for a bit of fun every so often. One night around 2 or 3 am she gives me a call and asks if I want to go skinny dipping in the local pool (heated outdoor pool in the local fitness center). I call an end to the party in my apt, chuck the lads out and head off to meet her. So I meet her and her friend, we climb a fence into the local fitness complex, throw off our clothes and jump into the outdoor pool. Getting down and dirty when her friend shouts that there is a security guard, so we all jump out, grab our clothes and leg it across the lawn towards the fence. I throw on my pants, help the girls over and I try and swing myself over the fence. I slip and manage to rip my thigh in the barbed wire from my crotch to my knee, miraculously missing my sack. Luckily it was not too deep but it hurt like hell for a week or 2 and the pants were only fit for the bin.

    Was this in Hollywood? You should sell that to Warner Brothers!


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    #459
    old hippy
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,441 ✭✭✭old hippy


    The break up sex I had with my mate. It wasn't physically awful but the emotional ache destroyed me.


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    #460
    dr.bollocko
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    MOD NOTE:

    For good god christ's sake have some fecking sense and don't give out your goddamn phone number on thread.

    Similarly don't ruin this thread with inane flirting. If you want to swap jizz and fanny batter do it via PM where I don't have to goddamnwell deal with it.


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    #461
    Eircom_Sucks
    Registered Users Posts: 3,193 ✭✭✭Eircom_Sucks


    was riding this 53 year old and me being 26 at the time , she took a shine to me in the gym one day alot of flirting etc and dirty comments , we decided to meet up for it to see if she could do all she said she'd do to me and visa versa

    so we meet at my house ( on my lunch :D ) were banging away and then i get her doggie style on the couch and she says this to me " go easy watch my hip " , right then and there i said to myself " what the f**k am i doing " so finished off with jizz in her bung hole and made small chat and back to work and never met her again after that

    100 % true sadly


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    #462
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    dr.bollocko wrote: »
    If you want to swap jizz and fanny batter do it via PM where I don't have to goddamnwell deal with it.

    What about the KYN thread?


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    #463
    Professey Chin
    Registered Users Posts: 51,054 ✭✭✭✭Professey Chin


    smash wrote: »
    What about the KYN thread?

    Thats just for fapping


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    #464
    Dublin_Gunner
    Registered Users Posts: 7,692 ✭✭✭Dublin_Gunner


    dr.bollocko wrote: »
    MOD NOTE:

    For good god christ's sake have some fecking sense and don't give out your goddamn phone number on thread.

    Similarly don't ruin this thread with inane flirting. If you want to swap jizz and fanny batter do it via PM where I don't have to goddamnwell deal with it.


    That was a made up number Bollocko! It even had too many digits!


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    #465
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Dublin_Gunner wrote: »
    That was a made up number Bollocko! It even had too many digits!
    How many times did you try to call him?


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    #466
    44leto
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,137 ✭✭✭44leto


    A great thread.

    You could do a great comedy, but very X-rated sketch show on a selection of posts. Its 31 pages and still going, its amazing how many bad, weird, funny sexual experiences we all get. What is it about humanity and sex. Sex so natural but yet the weirdest thing about us. Human sexuality is just beyond rational explanation, you really can't be judgemental as long as its all harmless and consensual.


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    #467
    Dublin_Gunner
    Registered Users Posts: 7,692 ✭✭✭Dublin_Gunner


    smash wrote: »
    How many times did you try to call him?

    None. But I have the ability to count.


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    #468
    dr.bollocko
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    Dublin_Gunner wrote: »
    None. But I have the ability to count.

    Haha
    Should have copped when it ended in 6969.


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    #469
    stupidusername
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,762 ✭✭✭✭stupidusername


    dr.bollocko wrote: »
    Haha
    Should have copped when it ended in 6969.

    that's what all the sexy numbers end in... like those late night ads - 1550 696969 or something like that.


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    #470
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    My sis in law has 2 69's in her mobile number, I have a 96 in mine too... Giggidy.


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    #471
    Lustrum
    Registered Users Posts: 751 ✭✭✭Lustrum


    Dub Ste wrote: »
    Many many years ago,me and my ex girlfriend were out on the town,had a rake load of drink before heading home for what I thought would be a night of passion.

    Got into bed,a bit of kissing,a bit of cuddling,then she asked me to go down on her,no problem,it's what I love best........unfortunately the combination of having a skinful of beer,being in a comfy bed,the warmth between her legs,the softness of her thighs........I fell asleep whilst licking her out,I only found out when she punched me on the top of head,felt like she'd smacked me with a shovel.

    I went f*cking mental,asked what she was playing at,she tells me I was asleep between her legs,I told to f*ck off,no way was I asleep...she says if it wasn't me asleep between her legs,who was it that was snoring.......:o:o

    Needless to say,no happy finish for me that night :D


    Absolutely brilliant!! Well done, both of you


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    #472
    Cee-Jay-Cee
    Registered Users Posts: 12,235 ✭✭✭✭Cee-Jay-Cee


    I had sex with a sack of spuds girl once, she just lay there, i had to keep taking her pulse to see if she was alive. It was a one night stand and she asked me next morning if i would like to see her again and how she enjoyed last night....i made my excuses and left.


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    #473
    OwaynOTT
    Registered Users Posts: 10,555 ✭✭✭✭OwaynOTT


    44leto wrote: »
    I don't know if this is an urban myth. I heard this story from from an A and E nurse years ago.

    The old Renaults use to have the gear stick in an L shape sticking out of the dash. A couple were having some car fun down in Dollymount. While he was she was manoeuvring into position naked he lifted her up and she fell down on to the gear stick and the gear knob went up her arse and her muscles clamped around it.

    They had to call the fire brigade to cut the gear stick and A and E had to get it out. Again I have no idea if that is a true story.


    Another thing to put on the list when buying used a used Clio.


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    #474
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    stupidusername wrote: »
    that's what all the sexy numbers end in... like those late night ads - 1550 696969 or something like that.

    yeah don't pretend you don't know them all off by heart :p


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    #475
    Eircom_Sucks
    Registered Users Posts: 3,193 ✭✭✭Eircom_Sucks


    did a bird up the brown thomas one time in my old punto , near some run down warehouses and all was going ok till i got a hum of something , took my lad out and was covered in poo and i didnt speak 1 word to her after that , quiet aukward drive to leave her home , i went home and sat in a bath for about an hour feeling dirty


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    #476
    ibarelycare
    Registered Users Posts: 58,456 ✭✭✭✭ibarelycare


    Eircom_Sucks wrote: »
    did a bird up the brown thomas one time in my old punto , near some run down warehouses and all was going ok till i got a hum of something , took my lad out and was covered in poo and i didnt speak 1 word to her after that , quiet aukward drive to leave her home , i went home and sat in a bath for about an hour feeling dirty



    That's the risk you take when you go up that hole!!!!


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    #477
    MugMugs
    Registered Users Posts: 17,875 ✭✭✭✭MugMugs


    Eircom_Sucks wrote: »
    did a bird up the brown thomas one time in my old punto , near some run down warehouses and all was going ok till i got a hum of something , took my lad out and was covered in poo and i didnt speak 1 word to her after that , quiet aukward drive to leave her home , i went home and sat in a bath for about an hour feeling dirty


    You shoved Captain Love Rod up some girls Chocolate Star Fish and you're suprised that the high chance of you being pebble dashed actually occured?

    Shame on her for not clearing the chamber.

    Shame on you for not asking.


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    #478
    Gummy Panda
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,919 ✭✭✭✭Gummy Panda


    dr.bollocko wrote: »
    MOD NOTE:

    For good god christ's sake have some fecking sense and don't give out your goddamn phone number on thread.

    Similarly don't ruin this thread with inane flirting. If you want to swap jizz and fanny batter do it via PM where I don't have to goddamnwell deal with it.

    WTF?!? someone threw their number up?


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    #479
    stupidusername
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,762 ✭✭✭✭stupidusername


    kfallon wrote: »
    yeah don't pretend you don't know them all off by heart :p

    :o


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    #480
    AeoNGriM
    Registered Users Posts: 712 ✭✭✭AeoNGriM


    Anyone who has posted a bullsh!t story/urban myth needs to be banned for trying to pass off those old chestnuts as one of their own.

    Obvious virgins talkin through yer arses.

    Was with a girl who didn't like me cummin in her or on her, even though she was on the jack n jill. Didn't have a rubber, so we agreed I'd pull out and blow in me hand. So we're lyin down on the bed, me on top, tearing into it, full tilt and after she comes a few times I'm fit to burst.

    So I told her 'Almost there love......here she goes........hnnngghh!', pull the lad out and contentedly drop the baby batter into the palm of me hand. She instantly sits up saying 'Gis a look' and splits me right in the nose with her forehead. I see a flash of white, go flying back, land on me hole and the contents of me hand goes feckin everywhere, mostly over me.

    So there I am, flat on me arse, on the floor at the foot of the bed, the legs out in front of me, seeing feckin stars with millions of the little fellas crawlin round on me chest, on me face and in me feckin hair, and she's fallin bout the bed breakin her hole laughin. Wasn't my proudest moment, to be sure.

    Got her back tho. Next time we're in the sack, I say feckin nothing when I'm hittin the vinegar strokes. I just whip it out, raise it up, aim for her face and let fly. Revenge is a dish best served......salty.

    Another time, same girl, we'd just watched the 1st Pirates of the Carribean movie earlier and slipped off for a bit of namby pamby, and I'm goin at it like a feckin jackhammer, proud as fcuk, thinkin I'm the best feckin thing since sliced bread and she bursts out laughin. Uncontrollable like. I lose me stride, get this puzzled look on me face and ask 'The fcuk are you gigglin at?' and in her best pirate accent, without missin a beat she goes.....'Aye....sea turtles!'

    I was feckin gutted :/


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    #481
    44leto
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,137 ✭✭✭44leto


    Eircom_Sucks wrote: »
    did a bird up the brown thomas one time in my old punto , near some run down warehouses and all was going ok till i got a hum of something , took my lad out and was covered in poo and i didnt speak 1 word to her after that , quiet aukward drive to leave her home , i went home and sat in a bath for about an hour feeling dirty

    You were a dirty bugger, but the best sex is always dirty.


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