The worst sex you have ever had with someone?

C.D.

Years ago back in college I was seeing this girl for a few weeks. Things were progressing smoothly until one night after we had been out I was invited back to hers. And oh had the anticipation been building, both of us 18 and our bodies wired for all sorts of illicit action. We stumbled into her room, various items of clothing being discarded on the floor. Before the lights went out I didn't notice a small, innocuous shelf directly above the top of her bed.

5 minutes later, with no clothes whatsoever in sight and myself on top, I move to rise up to straddle her and in doing so I whack the bridge of my nose off that bloody shelf. A second later: "C.D. where is all the water coming from??" Lights get turned on and I've bled all over her face, her rather ample bosom, her pillow and her bed. Oh the shame. And I didn't even get the ride.

C.D.

ziggy23 wrote: »

Another guy had a nosebleed on me during sex

After all these years.. is it you?!

*prepares to delete boards account*

booboo88

kraggy wrote: »

"Going down?.."

Or


"Doors opening"

Jen Pigs Fly

hondasam wrote: »

Works better if you tell him to start himself off, fast and furious.

Oh brilliant! Never thought about that, yes that one would work even better, then everyone can get a happy ending

gigino

What about the poor fellow in Limerick - just after handing over the money + quick sex he was told he was being arrested by a ban garda ? lol

Nuttzz

having energetic and enthusiastic sex with an older lady for the first time at her place, so much so that we fell out of the bed onto the floor, at that point one of her kids came in to check on the racket, all I could say was "Howya"...

holystungun9

Tried in vain to have drunken sex three times with a girl at a bus stop. Other drunken fools kept coming over to 'chat' (-act the bollix and through me off my game-). Three annoying cnuts later and three wasted condoms, it was time to get out of there.

booboo88

holystungun9 wrote: »

Tried in vain to have drunken sex three times with a girl at a bus stop. Other drunken fools kept coming over to 'chat' (-act the bollix and through me off my game-). Three annoying cnuts later and three wasted condoms, it was time to get out of there.

You're the reason I HATE public transport.

Teyla Emmagan

holystungun9 wrote: »

Tried in vain to have drunken sex three times with a girl at a bus stop. Other drunken fools kept coming over to 'chat' (-act the bollix and through me off my game-). Three annoying cnuts later and three wasted condoms, it was time to get out of there.

Nice. Really nice.

MagicSean

gigino wrote: »

What about the poor fellow in Limerick - just after handing over the money + quick sex he was told he was being arrested by a ban garda ? lol

He didn't actually have sex

Cherry_Cola

ThePower11 wrote: »

I remember a few years ago when i was around 17, sneaking behind the bins at the back of an Abrakebabra with this big fat yoke at around 4 in the morning after a lot of fat frogs, I had bought a taco chips, so we got down to business was going fine until she took her top off grabbed my taco chips and smeared it all over her tits and told me to eat it, needless to say I made my excuses and left. Dirty bitch.

If I ever need an emergency boner killer, I will conjure up this image in my head. Thank you sir.

Siuin

Did anyone else ever have some really bad background noise which totally put them off? On one occasion my iPod was playing and suddenly a song with my ex singing started playing (a song he'd written for me- bless! XD) and another time my boyfriend's 6 year old brother was whining his name outside the door over and over again (I asked if I should stop, but apparently it wasn't an option :P) and then there was a pause and "... what are you doing in there? I'm checking the keyhooole!" cue both of us yelling "NOOOO!" and lunging towards the door! Oh dear...!

df1985

im violently hungover......but this thread is making it so much better!

I love you after hours.

gigino

MagicSean wrote: »

He didn't actually have sex

she should have been arrested over fraudulent advertising so . never trust a garda to give ye your moneys worth:D

somefeen

Im ****e in bed

All I ever get is a handjob

BunShopVoyeur

mattjack wrote: »

which book ?

The Woman Who Walked Into Doors

ringadingding

I was at a festival few years back, on a coke, whizz and pill cocktail for 3 days, the last day I met this horrible, ugly, very old but filthy horny woman.

We were fukkin in full view of people, then fell on top of people's tents, she done some kind of piss show for me and we fell into my tent with my mate already in.

We started all sorts and my mate stormed out, and I started fingering her 1 finger, 2 fingers, 3,4 and before I knew it I was fisting her without the need for lube... Its actually quite boring and I started to drift off and thinking about its another thing to tick off the old 'sex to do' list, she's writhing around and I suddenly realised my good watch was getting covered in her slop, without thinking I just whipped my hand, which was wrist deep, right out of her snatch.
Let's just say she screamed, and not with pleasure.

Teyla Emmagan

ringadingding wrote: »

I was at a festival few years back, on a coke, whizz and pill cocktail for 3 days, the last day I met this horrible, ugly, very old but filthy horny woman.

We were fukkin in full view of people, then fell on top of people's tents, she done some kind of piss show for me and we fell into my tent with my mate already in.

We started all sorts and my mate stormed out, and I started fingering her 1 finger, 2 fingers, 3,4 and before I knew it I was fisting her without the need for lube... Its actually quite boring and I started to drift off and thinking about its another thing to tick off the old 'sex to do' list, she's writhing around and I suddenly realised my good watch was getting covered in her slop, without thinking I just whipped my hand, which was wrist deep, right out of her snatch.
Let's just say she screamed, and not with pleasure.

You're making this up, right?

cabbage kid

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

You're making this up, right?

We can only hope

mattjack

Acid_Violet wrote: »

Roddy Doyle has copyright on that one bucko

After a night in the boozer, Charlo stops her and demands she take her knickers off. He tells her he wants to eat his chips out of them


I was with this young lady years ago who asked me would I eat chips out of "her knickers".....I spent 4 hours driving around looking for a chipper called "her knickers"


Two different quotes Bucko..

ringadingding

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

You're making this up, right?

Unfortunately true, not one of my finer moments.
I did wake the next day with 'WTF, did that happen' going around my head.
Left the tent to a barrage of pisstakinv, everybody had seen and heard us.

Sham

Siuin

not one of my brighter decisions to eat while reading this thread...

Dudess

I'd imagine fisting is boring for the fister all right - just done so that the fister can say to their mates they fisted someone.

MagicSean

ringadingding wrote: »

she done some kind of piss show for me

What?

Giselle

^^ Not convinced it would be a barrel of laughs for the fistee either, D.

Not top of my list of fun things to try.

ringadingding

Dudess wrote: »

I'd imagine fisting is boring for the fister all right - just done so that the fister can say to their mates they fisted someone.

I had never really aspired to fist someone to be honest, just happened.
But yeah, boring, you aren't really doing anything, not like using your fingers and instincts, you just stay there and your wrist hurts. Its not pleasant.

Nothing like a bit of proper kinky stuff once in a while though.

I think if i didnt have a hangover from hell today,which is affecting my judgement, then i probably wouldnt have told the story.

ringadingding

MagicSean wrote: »

What?

It was a blur, it was dark, she was into it, she was leaning back and pissing into a puddle.
Pissing a good metre or so I should add

nicechick!

Vickysg24 wrote: »

had a bad experience giving head once... The guy hadn't washed and pulled his foreskin down only to find loadsa cheesy bits!! *PUKE PUKE PUKE*!!!! that could put any woman off!!

Same thing!! Stopped before I got started not without giving him an earful about PERSONAL HYGIENE disgusting oh cringe just thinking about it!

John Doe1

Giselle wrote: »

^^ Not convinced it would be a barrel of laughs for the fistee either, D.

Not top of my list of fun things to try.

Ah fisting is there anything more romantic?:)

Gummy Panda

Dudess wrote: »

I'd imagine fisting is boring for the fister all right - just done so that the fister can say to their mates they fisted someone.

Good pull exercise :pac: