Did you get hit by your parents?

Millicent

stovelid wrote: »

What I am saying -as somebody who has dropped sprogs, as you charmingly put it - is that if I went on the pets forum to argue the toss with dog owners without ever owning one myself and dropped in a description along the lines of 'dragging around your little mutts', I doubt my views would be seen as valid.

It was a joke, Stove. I would hope that you have seen enough of my posts to know I was messing with the "sprogs" bit. I apologise for it though if it really caused as much offence as it has appeared to. I will go back and edit it out.

On to your other point: If you heard someone saying that they hit their dog, would you not be allowed to have an opinion of it?

Or for another example, I'm trained as a journalist. If someone comes on here criticising an article/media, am I allowed to tell them they can't comment on it because they're not a journalist themselves?

ziggy23

I would really love somebody who is against smacking to tell me what they would do in the situation I posted above. Just out of curiosity

saa

I do believe no parent has to no matter how lightly they do but if they do it doesn't mean it is child abuse.

If my partner raised his voice at me I would feel that is domineering and abusive but if a parent raises' their voice at a child I don't feel like that is abuse as long as it is not out of anger and frustration but from a calm person instilling discipline without hurt.

The same way that I could always tell if a teacher was taking out their own shít on us shouting or had a valid reason to. Children are very good at picking these things up it did not damage me being smacked or given out to reasonable but I know that when it was unreasonable that stays with me and leaves me with a sense people are going to give out to me as an adult even If I haven't done anything wrong.

I know people are going to think well you were hit so that why, its not its the context, reason and force. Does that make sense to anyone else?

saa

I do believe no parent has to no matter how lightly they do but if they do it doesn't mean it is child abuse.

If my partner raised his voice at me I would feel that is domineering and abusive but if a parent raises' their voice at a child I don't feel like that is abuse as long as it is not out of anger and frustration but from a calm person instilling discipline without hurt.

The same way that I could always tell if a teacher was taking out their own shít on us shouting or had a valid reason to. Children are very good at picking these things up it did not damage me being smacked or given out to reasonable but I know that when it was unreasonable that stays with me and leaves me with a sense people are going to give out to me as an adult even If I haven't done anything wrong.

I know people are going to think well you were hit so that why, its not its the context, reason and force. Does that make sense to anyone else?

moco

ziggy23 wrote: »

If your child kept throwing ornaments on the floor trying to break them. You get down to his level and say firmly 'no that is very bold', he does it again. You bring him to the naughty step and keep him there for 2 minutes while he throws a tantrum banging his head non stop and lashing out at you. You again kneel down and say 'you are not to do that again are u sorry?' He refuses to give you a hug and runs out and throws the ornaments again. He is then put back on the naughty step and the process is repeated another 4 times. He waits til your back is turned and does it again. So he gets a smack on the bum. He then says sorry gives you a hug and is back to his normal self;)

Would you totally disagree with me smacking him in this situation? I'm just curious as to what you would do?

Ziggy I don't have kids so here's what I think I'd do! Remove anything breakable from reaching distance, tell them if they don't stop they'd have their favourite toy taken away for x number of days, then carry on with whatever I'm doing and give them no attention til they stop. If they do keep it up then their toy/tv time or something they like gets taken away. I think if u get into a big confrontation with them it just feeds the situation but if they don't get any reaction or attention when behaving badly they stop sooner and begin to learn it wont get them what they want.

I'm sure a slap would bring the situation to an end quicker but it's not the way I want to do things. I'll be doing a lot of reading up on parenting techniques when I do have a baby on the way. I know it won't be easy and will take a lot of trial and error and patience, but I will not hit my children no matter what.

no, i didn't

Kanoe

Dudess wrote: »

Assault, unquestionably. Hope you're doing ok now.
Beyond me why people compare a smack on the bum by otherwise loving parents to the likes of what you went through - it kinda makes light of what abuse survivors go through IMO.
Good to read the cycle of violence didn't carry on with you.

I'm all good thanks. I was fortunate enough to have one parent who was very loving too.

ziggy23

saa wrote: »

I do believe no parent has to no matter how lightly they do but if they do it doesn't mean it is child abuse.

If my partner raised his voice at me I would feel that is domineering and abusive but if a parent raises' their voice at a child I don't feel like that is abuse as long as it is not out of anger and frustration but from a calm person instilling discipline without hurt.

The same way that I could always tell if a teacher was taking out their own shít on us shouting or had a valid reason to. Children are very good at picking these things up it did not damage me being smacked or given out to reasonable but I know that when it was unreasonable that stays with me and leaves me with a sense people are going to give out to me as an adult even If I haven't done anything wrong.

I know people are going to think well you were hit so that why, its not its the context, reason and force. Does that make sense to anyone else?

Totally understand what you are saying. If my child has done something really bold I always get down to his level and look him in the eye while giving out to him. I don't really like looking down at him wagging my finger. That's not to say I haven't roared at him when I've caught him doing something he shouldn't have done!!

Dudess

Millicent wrote: »

I'm trained as a journalist. If someone comes on here criticising an article/media, am I allowed to tell them they can't comment on it because they're not a journalist themselves?

Was a journo myself and while of course people have the right to express their views re articles, I get defensive when people accuse journalists they don't even know of being unethical and heartless when they know nothing of the situation.

stovelid

Even the best parents lose their cool with their kids but some of the stuff is assaut. Plain and simple. This line of thing should never be associated with occasional light smacking or shouting

gerryo777

Millicent wrote: »

In what instance though? As a regular punishment or as an extreme last resort?

My other questions related to the thinking that non-parents can't judge. I asked you specific questions in my post around parents who said they regretted it and people without children who said it had affected them.

It's always as the last resort.
I don't think any parent would get any pleasure from smacking one of their kids and if they did, they really shouldn't have them. I would always regret having to do it (and BTW it doesn't happen often) but as I said, sometimes it's the only thing that works. Kids will always push the boundaries, that's natural but when they're like that trying to reason with them doesn't work.
Regarding non-parents judging parents, what I reckon is, say you see a child getting a smack for misbehaving, you may judge that as being a bad parent but that child may have been misbehaving for hours before and at that point the parent considered a smack as the 'extreme last resort'.
I think we'd all agree that 'beating' kids and causing injury or harm is wrong and should not be seen as acceptable behaviour.

ziggy23

moco wrote: »

Ziggy I don't have kids so here's what I think I'd do! Remove anything breakable from reaching distance, tell them if they don't stop they'd have their favourite toy taken away for x number of days, then carry on with whatever I'm doing and give them no attention til they stop. If they do keep it up then their toy/tv time or something they like gets taken away. I think if u get into a big confrontation with them it just feeds the situation but if they don't get any reaction or attention when behaving badly they stop sooner and begin to learn it wont get them what they want.

I'm sure a slap would bring the situation to an end quicker but it's not the way I want to do things. I'll be doing a lot of reading up on parenting techniques when I do have a baby on the way. I know it won't be easy and will take a lot of trial and error and patience, but I will not hit my children no matter what.

I appreciate your opinion. Unfortunately I've tried ignoring on many occasions and this had lead to me hearing things break in other rooms or things being thrown around in other rooms:rolleyes: He rarely watches TV so he wouldnt care!! I do believe every child is different and responds to discipline differently. My son on the whole is a good kid but sometimes its almost like he needs me to give out to him. Kids definitely need boundaries. Oh and I've read countless books and have watched supernanny re-runs til the cows come home! The naughty step does work some of the time but others what works for me and my son is a smack.

Millicent

Dudess wrote: »

Was a journo myself and while of course people have the right to express their views re articles, I get defensive when people accuse journalists they don't even know of being unethical and heartless when they know nothing of the situation.

But there is such a thing as fair comment, is there not? There's a world of difference between that and saying "you don't know what you are talking about because you have no experience" to anyone who criticises anything.

stovelid wrote: »

Even the best parents lose their cool with their kids but some of the stuff is assaut. Plain and simple. This line of thing should never be associated with occasional light smacking or shouting

Agreed. Some of the stories here are horrifying. I completely agree that there is a world of difference between causing your child to have stitches and giving them a light rap on the bum when they're being little monsters. (I hope I have not implied otherwise anywhere, btw.)

Tandey

If you give your own child a little slap for being a brat that is not 'bullying' or 'abusing' your child, its called parenting.

A slight slap and a talking to telling the child that is wrong and you shouldn't do that.

Other ways are to put your child in 'the naughty corner' for 5mins if they act the brat and tell them that is where they go for doing wrong or something bad, but that option is not always viable.

What's 'fucking stupid' is some other idiot trying to tell you how to parent your child, get over yourselves.

Dudess

I'm not saying I think giving a child even a light slap is great or anything - ideally it wouldn't need to be resorted to. But I can understand why it happens and I don't know that I wouldn't do it myself as a last resort.

ziggy23

Tandey wrote: »

If you give your own child a little slap for being a brat that is not 'bullying' or 'abusing' your child, its called parenting.

A slight slap and a talking to telling the child that is wrong and you shouldn't do that.

Other ways are to put your child in 'the naughty corner' for 5mins if they act the brat and tell them that is where they go for doing wrong or something bad, but that option is not always viable.

What's 'fucking' stupid is some other idiot trying to tell you how to parent your child, get over yourselves.

Yes totally agree I had someone say to me 'ah he doesn't know what he's doing' while my son was continually slamming doors and looking straight at me to get a reaction:rolleyes:

Millicent

gerryo777 wrote: »

It's always as the last resort.
I don't think any parent would get any pleasure from smacking one of their kids and if they did, they really shouldn't have them. I would always regret having to do it (and BTW it doesn't happen often) but as I said, sometimes it's the only thing that works. Kids will always push the boundaries, that's natural but when they're like that trying to reason with them doesn't work.
Regarding non-parents judging parents, what I reckon is, say you see a child getting a smack for misbehaving, you may judge that as being a bad parent but that child may have been misbehaving for hours before and at that point the parent considered a smack as the 'extreme last resort'.
I think we'd all agree that 'beating' kids and causing injury or harm is wrong and should not be seen as acceptable behaviour.

I would never judge a parent giving a light slap on the hand or bum. However, I know a multitude of parents who do worse than that that see nothing wrong with it. Nothing aggressive enough to be counted as abuse but far over what I would see justifiable punishment. Like that person who said they remember their father slapping them because they weren't asleep -- that's not right.

This is exactly why I object to slapping, because of that chance that a parent will do it because they are in bad form or overreacting on a certain day, not because a child deserves it. Does that make sense? It does in my head but sorry if not!

MagicSean

I think it's quite amusing that the alternatives to a quick slap include methods used in psychological torture. Isolation and deprivation being the two main ones.

moco

ziggy23 wrote: »

I appreciate your opinion. Unfortunately I've tried ignoring on many occasions and this had lead to me hearing things break in other rooms or things being thrown around in other rooms:rolleyes: He rarely watches TV so he wouldnt care!! I do believe every child is different and responds to discipline differently. My son on the whole is a good kid but sometimes its almost like he needs me to give out to him. Kids definitely need boundaries. Oh and I've read countless books and have watched supernanny re-runs til the cows come home! The naughty step does work some of the time but others what works for me and my son is a smack.

I'm sure you do your very best and slapping is a last resort. I'll just have to pray I get an angelic, calm little thing. Some hope!

Chuck Stone

Kiera wrote: »

i have no criticisms about my parents.

Oh dear. You had the perfect up-bringing?

You should show us all how to do it right.

Dudess

Some children can be impossible and beyond reasoning with.
Bad parenting would be to NOT lay down boundaries - ideally without a slap, but sometimes all other options prove futile.

I can't help but get the feeling that some parents who believe in the "They're just expressing themselves" approach are gonna have unruly brats making fools of them in years to come...

Shane L

Lol the wooden spoon I can only vaguely remember getting a few slaps when we were around 5-8ish for doing mad things (got up 1 morning at 6 and decided all the teddies needed a wash),filling all our toys with mud for the craic. We got smart when we reached about 8ish we would run away before the mammy would catch us and lock ourselves in the bathroom and wait till she calmed down.She was never that angry or anything sometimes the whole ordeal of the chase was hilarious.

ziggy23

moco wrote: »

I'm sure you do your very best and slapping is a last resort. I'll just have to pray I get an angelic, calm little thing. Some hope!

Haha best of luck with that

Tandey

MagicSean wrote: »

I think it's quite amusing that the alternatives to a quick slap include methods used in psychological torture. Isolation and deprivation being the two main ones.

Exactly, i wonder if the OP thinks that is 'fucking stupid' in his rosey world lol

seanybiker

Wooden spoon and the slaps on the back of the legs. Deserved all of them. I was a fair slow learner haha. Dont see anything wrong with it

JohnMearsheimer

Ah ya, my mum broke a few wooden spoons off me.

gerryo777

Millicent wrote: »

I would never judge a parent giving a light slap on the hand or bum. However, I know a multitude of parents who do worse than that that see nothing wrong with it. Nothing aggressive enough to be counted as abuse but far over what I would see justifiable punishment. Like that person who said they remember their father slapping them because they weren't asleep -- that's not right.

This is exactly why I object to slapping, because of that chance that a parent will do it because they are in bad form or overreacting on a certain day, not because a child deserves it. Does that make sense? It does in my head but sorry if not!

Yea, makes sense ok. Suppose we just have to hope that parents will keep a level head and only do what's necessary in any given situation.

kylith

Shane L wrote: »

Lol the wooden spoon I can only vaguely remember getting a few slaps when we were around 5-8ish for doing mad things (got up 1 morning at 6 and decided all the teddies needed a wash),filling all our toys with mud for the craic. We got smart when we reached about 8ish we would run away before the mammy would catch us and lock ourselves in the bathroom and wait till she calmed down.She was never that angry or anything sometimes the whole ordeal of the chase was hilarious.

Lol, if we'd tried that the mammy would have scalped when we came out for being so cheeky.

ziggy23

seanybiker wrote: »

Wooden spoon and the slaps on the back of the legs. Deserved all of them. I was a fair slow learner haha. Dont see anything wrong with it

I used to just keep at my mam until the poor woman would just lose it and grab whatever was nearest to her be it the wooden spoon or a remote control or whatever. A chase down the hall would ensue with me then frantically trying to open the door to escape but failing and just collapsing onto the ground to accept what was coming! I don't feel bitter towards her at all she had the patience of a saint:D

Gonzor

I got battered by the parents :L I always deserved it though. Hitting just didnt work much for me. When they hit me for doing something bad Id go straight back out and do it again just because I was stubborn like that.

Doc Ruby

Did ye ever watch that show supernanny. Its great, lots of good advice on how to rear wilful kiddies, and not a shlap in sight.

ziggy23

Shane L wrote: »

Lol the wooden spoon I can only vaguely remember getting a few slaps when we were around 5-8ish for doing mad things (got up 1 morning at 6 and decided all the teddies needed a wash),filling all our toys with mud for the craic. We got smart when we reached about 8ish we would run away before the mammy would catch us and lock ourselves in the bathroom and wait till she calmed down.She was never that angry or anything sometimes the whole ordeal of the chase was hilarious.

A friend of mine was telling me she used to the same thing until her mammy got clever and got the screwdriver out and started taking the handle off the bathroom door while she was hiding. She said the sheer terror of seeing the screws fall the ground as mammy got closer and closer to getting the door opened:pac:

Plazaman

It was the sally rod in our house. Got a few clips of it and were well deserved due to my antics. Didn't mind my mother doing it but when I think of the slaps my teachers gave me, that pishes me off even more. Although getting spanked by a middle aged woman, you'd pay good money for that today.

MagicSean

Doc Ruby wrote: »

Did ye ever watch that show supernanny. Its great, lots of good advice on how to rear wilful kiddies, and not a shlap in sight.

Psychological torture and mind games. I think that's worse than an odd slap.

Millicent

MagicSean wrote: »

Psychological torture and mind games. I think that's worse than an odd slap.

It's hardly torture. It's a world away, just like a slap on the hand is a world away from hospitalising a child. The extent of an action and how it is carried out is what makes it good or bad.

stovelid

Millicent wrote: »

It was a joke, Stove. I would hope that you have seen enough of my posts to know I was messing with the "sprogs" bit. I apologise for it though if it really caused as much offence as it has appeared to. I will go back and edit it out.

On to your other point: If you heard someone saying that they hit their dog, would you not be allowed to have an opinion of it?

Or for another example, I'm trained as a journalist. If someone comes on here criticising an article/media, am I allowed to tell them they can't comment on it because they're not a journalist themselves?

Fair enough. I in turn am sorry for snapping.

Everybody can have an opinion on anything but theoretical positions can often change with experience.

With kids, every decision comes with secret internal agony and doubt (unless you're a super parent like many on the parenting forum) and It's hurtful to read so many black and white diatribes about stuff like discipline or even vitrioil about kids in public space from a theoretical viewpoint when you are actually dealing with it day in day out and knowing you are responsible for the outcome of your choices.

The dog analogy is inadvertently relevant actually. I disagree with cruelty to dogs or physical abuse and would argue against it but if somebody wants my opinion on light physical chastisement during dog training, I wouldn't have a clue and would be unsure of my beliefs.

As with kids, actually beating them is wrong. Any person should have a view on that, kids or no kids. I still hold that a parent should be able to snack lightly although I agree that as a first resort, it is not good parenting.

Siuin

I don't think there's a house in Ireland where the wooden spoon is actually used as a cooking utensil :P

headmaster

When anything would go missing, or a sweet was taken, it was actually called stolen, then everyone of us, girls and boys would be put faces to the wall, pants down by the ankles and beaten by a rod on our backsides till someone owned up. Someone always would, in order to get the hitting and embarassment stopped, even though they wouldn't have taken anything. Terrible terrible times, plenty more of these and other stories as well. I'm talking of the late 50's and all the 60's, it wasn't much better in school, you wouldn't go home telling them about it either, or you would be given worse. Is it any wonder people are still affected by these so called pillars of society, because that's what they usually were.

Dudess

Few slaps on the bottom didn't appear to damage me... Although I'm not that into S&M - maybe that's what caused it?!

:pac:

Someone made the point earlier that screaming at kids and using a lot of bad language in an aggressive, borderline abusive manner is worse to them than a light slap. Couldn't agree more. One thing to raise your voice to the kid when they're being bold, but screaming swear words when they're annoying you looks dreadful - e.g. I saw a neighbour telling his small kids to fuk off and get the fuk back inside when they followed him out where he was taking a phone call. Horrible prick. :mad:

Donal Og O Baelach

Chuck Stone wrote: »

I don't have an issue with my parents for hitting me as a child.

You have stated that they assaulted you. Obviously you think about it now and then. It is an issue for you.

Millicent

stovelid wrote: »

As with kids, actually beating them is wrong. Any person should have a view on that, kids or no kids. I still hold that a parent should be able to snack lightly although I agree that as a first resort, it is not good parenting.

We totally agree then. A light smack on the hand here and there won't hurt a child. Using it as a sole source or heavily relying on smacking is what I object to. A parent slapping a child from frustration rather than out of necessity is another part of it. Otherwise, I don't think anyone who smacks their kid is abusive, just that it should never be something lightly or frequently done.

RichieC

ah the oul slipper!

ziggy23

Doc Ruby wrote: »

Did ye ever watch that show supernanny. Its great, lots of good advice on how to rear wilful kiddies, and not a shlap in sight.

Supernanny has some great tips on it but then its all edited down to make it look like the kids have completely changed overnight. In reality this does not happen:eek:

Dudess wrote: »

Few slaps on the bottom didn't appear to damage me... Although I'm not that into S&M - maybe that's what caused it?!

:pac:

Someone made the point earlier that screaming at kids and using a lot of bad language in an aggressive, borderline abusive manner is worse to them than a light slap. Couldn't agree more. One thing to raise your voice to the kid when they're being bold, but screaming swear words when they're annoying you looks dreadful - e.g. I saw a neighbour telling his small kids to fuk off and get the fuk back inside when they followed him out where he was taking a phone call. Horrible prick. :mad:

I said that earlier that is just terrible and I hate hearing kids swear but a lot of parents think it's funny:rolleyes:
Also makes me so sad to see junkies dragging their neglected kids up the road. That is way worse than a smack on the bum to try help your child see the differences from right and wrong.

ziggy23

RichieC wrote: »

ah the oul slipper!

On a Saturday morning when mammy was trying to have a lie-on and you're screaming up the stairs you'd be met with a shoe hurtling towards you:eek::p

King of Kings

Pinklady11 wrote: »

We were battered when we were kids. There were a few of us so someone was getting a beating fairly frequent. If you weren't at the receiving end of it then you had to watch whoever was getting it. And yes it did do me harm...it put the fear of god into me if I did something wrong even if it was an accident...minimum 3 or 4 slaps would be dished out. It turned me into a shy timid child.

It's wrong to slap a child. I would never slap my own children.

you sound like my sister - pretty much sums up my house growing up.

what really ****ed me over was I could see where the beatings came from when I was bold but getting battered for spilling milk etc... was just ****ed up.

it certainly effected me in terms of how i view society and people.

Dudess

I admit I do find it funny hearing kids swear due to picking it up from their parents swearing to themselves - but when a parent swears directly at their kid, well that's different. It's verbal abuse.

ejmaztec

ziggy23 wrote: »

Supernanny has some great tips on it but then its all edited down to make it look like the kids have completely changed overnight. In reality this does not happen:eek:


I said that earlier that is just terrible and I hate hearing kids swear but a lot of parents think it's funny:rolleyes:
Also makes me so sad to see junkies dragging their neglected kids up the road. That is way worse than a smack on the bum to try help your child see the differences from right and wrong.

The Supernanny got the sack off the US programme and had to sit in the "I'm asking for too much money corner" (allegedly).

ziggy23

Dudess wrote: »

I admit I do find it funny hearing kids swear due to picking it up from their parents swearing to themselves - but when a parent swears directly at their kid, well that's different. It's verbal abuse.

Ah yea it is funny when they don't really know what they are saying but if they called you an aul c**t that'd be a different story! I know it really is vile to hear parents screaming at their kids especially in public

Da Shins Kelly

I was given a slap now and then by my ma if I was being particularly unruly and not listening to her at all. I was never properly hit, but given a bit of slap and told why I'd done wrong. It never hurt, but it gave me a little shock and it stopped me from misbehaving. It never did me any harm. Nowadays, some people are just way over the top with children. It's gone from being borderline abusive (with some parents), to way too lenient where people are called abusers for even just giving a child a light slap.

mikom

stovelid wrote: »

I still hold that a parent should be able to snack lightly although I agree that as a first resort, it is not good parenting.

TBH cannibalism is much worse than hitting your kids.