LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

starling

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

was on a staff night out last night, my god was I awkward. 1st over heard of the girls talking about someone "when ever l go up talking to her its hi how are you then this awkward slience, l hate that" wasnt me she was talking about but l am the same. Everyone was taking photos with eachother and group photos, wasnt in even one of them l hate being so distent with people. To make things worse l have a crush on my boss, he is so lovely and a real people person but only said 1 or 2 words to eachother last night, l can tell hes uncomfortable in my company cause l so bad socially even people my own age were all in a gang together laughing & chatting away...was l part of it? oh no, whats new. really couldnt give a **** if today was my last day on earth, fuking fed up with everything & most of all me. outcast.

I find that if you dont know wat to say a compliment always helps. The trick is to do it sincerely. Like if you hate somneone's dress dont say "Ooh I like your dress!" you will come off as beng insincere. But find something you can genuinely say something nice about and then say it. Most people recognise this as a way to have pleasant small talk (kind of like talking about the weather) and then will usually respond in that spirit. If they don't then its probably them, not you

RainyDay

delthedriver wrote: »

Following on from above, in the early days of my GP visits, I prepared in advance of the meeting. I had a sheet of paper with perhaps 12 points which I rattled off to the GP , describing my condition eg. Difficulty sleeping, pounding headache, nausea, low mood, isolation, difficulty concentrating etc........
It made life easier for the GP to get a greater understanding about how I really felt. Your GP is key to getting you back on the road to recovery. The GP may consider referring a patient to a Counsellor, Psychologist, Psychiatrist if necessary.. Do not underestimate the role of the GP.,they have your best interests at heart:)

The GP is indeed a key player, and bringing in your list of 12 things sounds like a great idea, to avoid getting flustered at a difficult time.

Unfortunately, you'll also need to have a think about the money side of things before you see the GP. Can you afford to fund counselling yourself, at maybe €75 a session? Or is there low cost counselling available in your area from http://mymind.org or similar? If not, your GP might need to refer you to the local mental health services, which could be run by HSE or St John of God or similar. Unfortunately, there might be delays and waiting lists, so be prepared for a good chat with your GP about urgency.

stop animal cruelty

KingOfFairview wrote: »

This may be your perception, but its probably not true

Thats what lv been telling myself from the start, that lm only over thinking too but l feel by now l should be comfortable around them and be able to speak, just seeing them all last night chatty away to eachother and just sitting there...its just embarressing being the one sitting in the corner too nervous/shy to say anything...theres been a good few suitations where lv felt my boss that l fancy felt uncomfortable around me, lm giving off a nervous/bad vibe & pretty sure they have picked it up by now.

KingOfFairview

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

Thats what lv been telling myself from the start, that lm only over thinking too but l feel by now l should be comfortable around them and be able to speak, just seeing them all last night chatty away to eachother and just sitting there...its just embarressing being the one sitting in the corner too nervous/shy to say anything...theres been a good few suitations where lv felt my boss that l fancy felt uncomfortable around me, lm giving off a nervous/bad vibe & pretty sure they have picked it up by now.

I'm a pretty outgoing sort and I have to say extroverts like myself rarely have a dim view of shy people, just are often unsure how to best bring them into the social circle. They probably like you but are waiting until you feel comfortable enough to get involved

Wattle

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

Thats what lv been telling myself from the start, that lm only over thinking too but l feel by now l should be comfortable around them and be able to speak, just seeing them all last night chatty away to eachother and just sitting there...its just embarressing being the one sitting in the corner too nervous/shy to say anything...theres been a good few suitations where lv felt my boss that l fancy felt uncomfortable around me, lm giving off a nervous/bad vibe & pretty sure they have picked it up by now.

It seems like you're telling yourself internally that you should be able to thrive in these situations. The operative word is 'should'. That kind of thinking is just putting yourself under pressure and actually acts to inhibit you. Perhaps you should write down the messages that you are sending yourself internally. Examine them in the cold light of day and ask yourself if they really are true. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect and nobody in this life is perfect. I think if you can replace those messages with positive one's then your natural personality will emerge. I'm sure you have just as much to say that's as valid as anyone else

starling

Wattle wrote: »

It seems like you're telling yourself internally that you should be able to thrive in these situations. The operative word is 'should'. That kind of thinking is just putting yourself under pressure and actually acts to inhibit you. Perhaps you should write down the messages that you are sending yourself internally. Examine them in the cold light of day and ask yourself if they really are true. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect and nobody in this life is perfect. I think if you can replace those messages with positive one's then your natural personality will emerge. I'm sure you have just as much to say that's as valid as anyone else

That is exactly what I was going to say:) Most people tend to judge themselves too harshly and it seems to ne that those of us with depression, anxiety etc do it even more. It can be a big factor in making our mental health worse, holding ourselves to very high, sometimes impossible standards and then chastising ourselves for not meeting them.
In my case I thought that I was aware of this but my psychologist would make a point of interrupting me everytime I said "I should..." or "I shouldn't....." and that was what brought it home to me just how often I did it without even noticing.
Get rid of "should." when you catch yourself thinking or saying it, remind yourself that you are human and it's okay not to be perfect.
If it was a friend of yours talking, would you be saying "you should be better at that, you should be able to do that, etc etc" Probaby not, because we are our own worst critics and someone else can see things in a more understanding way. So be a friend to yourself, give yourself the same kindness and understanding that you would show someone else:)

Drumpot

delthedriver wrote: »

Following on from above, in the early days of my GP visits, I prepared in advance of the meeting. I had a sheet of paper with perhaps 12 points which I rattled off to the GP , describing my condition eg. Difficulty sleeping, pounding headache, nausea, low mood, isolation, difficulty concentrating etc........
It made life easier for the GP to get a greater understanding about how I really felt. Your GP is key to getting you back on the road to recovery. The GP may consider referring a patient to a Counsellor, Psychologist, Psychiatrist if necessary.. Do not underestimate the role of the GP.,they have your best interests at heart:)

Ha, I thought I was reading something I had written under the guise of a different username (perhaps Im Tyler Durden during the day and don't even know it!). Im a great person for the lists of things wrong with me (now that's a list!).

One thing I want to point out to everybody reading here is that your G.P. should always be a consideration if you feel isolated, but like anything else in your life, you have to be comfortable with your G.P. and confident that they will take your concerns seriously.

I have written it in here already, but in summary, my relationship with my G.P. had gone stale. In his defence I was driving him mad because I would be in nearly every other week and I think I made him feel inadequate because while medication helped stem the pain for awhile, I soon ended up in bits. I genuinely think he felt bad because he couldn't "fix" me and at the end of our "relationship" I felt like a nut wasting his time and as such I began to dread going into him no matter how bad I felt.

I changed doctors (don't be afraid to change if you are not comfortable with your existing G.P.) and perhaps I have been fortunate, but he took his time getting to know me (not just symptoms today), he spoke to me for nearly 40mins the first time I met him and he was able to take a completely fresh perspective on my situation (without the driving him mad baggage I left with my previous doctor).

There were several positives for changing doctors (if you get some of these from your existing G.P. then you may already have the professional to help guide you!):

1. I was taking my own health in my hands and choosing to change doctors to try to help myself. From a psychological point of view I think this empowered me. The most important thing was that I wasn't accepting the disappointing relationship that I had with my doctor and this was me actually valuing my right to feel better and most importantly doing something about it instead of just wishing it would happen naturally.
2. My new G.P. had no preconception or resentments or frustrations about me as a patient and since I was able to give him a fair, honest, detailed history of where I was coming from, he was able to look at it with a different pair of eyes.
3. My new G.P. was more willing to try new things (at one stage my old G.P. was getting so upset he said "what do you want me to do"?).
4. I was able to be more honest and clear with my new G.P. because I wasn't embarrassed or worried that he would judge me or think I was a hypochondriac.
5. This is an important one, I put my absolute faith in the new G.P. (recommended by my Aunty). I did exactly what he recommended and was willing to work with him (which he encouraged) as opposed to be just instructed by him. I felt like he literally had my back and was prepared to take my hand and try to find a proper resolution to the way I was feeling.
6. I used to go into my previous G.P. with lists of my mood/feelings/pain etc and while I couldn't say for certain, I always felt that he was a bit annoyed sometimes ("you again"). My new G.P. actively encourage it and never hurries me out the door

Im sure there's a few more positives that worked for me, but I just wanted to write this if anybody dreaded appointments with their doctor for any reason. I don't necessarily blame my previous doctor, but in my case a fresh start was good for everybody!

When I started this I was just going to say "consider changing G.P. if your not happy" and imagined this being my shortest post ever!! That waffle gene always gets the better of me!

Drumpot

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

Thats what lv been telling myself from the start, that lm only over thinking too but l feel by now l should be comfortable around them and be able to speak, just seeing them all last night chatty away to eachother and just sitting there...its just embarressing being the one sitting in the corner too nervous/shy to say anything...theres been a good few suitations where lv felt my boss that l fancy felt uncomfortable around me, lm giving off a nervous/bad vibe & pretty sure they have picked it up by now.

I have made new friends and feel the exact same way. I am actually normally quite extravert but feel very vulnerable right not and I am going through a lot of emotional changes.

But the one thing I have tried to do is not imagine what they are thinking and just try to feel ok around them. This entails being comfortable with contributing nothing other then my presence. I am learning to not small chat when I don't feel like it. I used to be the "fluffer" of the group, the person who would make sure any uncomfortable silences were filled with jokes or my waffle. I can tell you I still sometimes get uncomfortable when I am around certain groups of people and there are silences, but one thing I don't do anymore is put pressure on myself to compensate for the lack of conversation.

The funny thing is that a good friend gave me some great advice when I used to get paranoid if I didn't "perform" in a social situation as I felt I should - "Do you think that the person or people you were talking to agonises as much about you not talking or being entertaining as much as you get upset about it?". He went further and said "Do you think that made or broke their night ?". He went further and said "Do you think they were thinking about your lack of "entertainment value" later on that night or the next day?" . . And I obviously said "probably not" to which he said , well why are you spending so much time worrying about something that nobody else even wastes a minute on ?

Now this is a friend who has also been through it all (emotionally - depression etc) so they weren't being "smart", they were speaking from experience and how they learned to cope with it. Sounds simple when they say it but learning how to practise it has proven to be much more difficult. Like I have said in many threads, CBT has helped me conquer challenges that I once thought were beyond me and in many cases the solutions has been as simple as learning to change my perception on the exact same scenarios and learning to DO something about it instead of simply imagining where I would prefer to be.

delthedriver

Drumpot wrote: »

Ha, I thought I was reading something I had written under the guise of a different username (perhaps Im Tyler Durden during the day and don't even know it!). Im a great person for the lists of things wrong with me (now that's a list!).

One thing I want to point out to everybody reading here is that your G.P. should always be a consideration if you feel isolated, but like anything else in your life, you have to be comfortable with your G.P. and confident that they will take your concerns seriously.

I have written it in here already, but in summary, my relationship with my G.P. had gone stale. In his defence I was driving him mad because I would be in nearly every other week and I think I made him feel inadequate because while medication helped stem the pain for awhile, I soon ended up in bits. I genuinely think he felt bad because he couldn't "fix" me and as such at the end of our "relationship" I felt like a nut wasting his time and as such I began to dread going into him no matter how bad I felt.

I changed doctors (don't be afraid to change if you are not comfortable with your existing G.P.) and perhaps I have been fortunate, but he took his time getting to know me (not just symptoms today), he spoke to me for nearly 40mins the first time I met him and he was able to take a completely fresh perspective on my situation (without the driving him mad baggage I left with my previous doctor).

There were several positives for changing doctors.

1. I was taking my own health in my hands and choosing to change doctors to try to help myself. From a psychological point of view I think this empowered me. The most important thing was that I wasn't accepting the disappointing relationship that I had with my doctor and this was me actually valuing my right to feel better.
2. My new G.P. had no preconception or resentments or frustrations about me as a patient and since I was able to give him a fair, honest, detailed history of where I was coming from, he was able to look at it with a different pair of eyes.
3. My new G.P. was more willing to try new things (at one stage my old G.P. was getting so upset he said "what do you want me to do"?).
4. I was able to be more honest and clear with my new G.P. because I wasn't embarrassed or worried that he would judge me or think I was a hypochondriac.
5. This is an important one, I put my absolute faith in the new G.P. (recommended by my Aunty). I did exactly what he recommended and was willing to work with him (which he encouraged) as opposed to be just instructed by him
6. I used to go into my previous G.P. with lists of my mood/feelings/pain etc and while I couldn't say for certain, I always felt that he was a bit annoyed sometimes ("you again"). My new G.P. actively encourage it and never hurries me out the door

Im sure there's a few more positives that worked for me, but I just wanted to write this if anybody dreaded appointments with their doctor for any reason. I don't necessarily blame my previous doctor, but in my case a fresh start was good for everybody!

When I started this I was just going to say "consider changing G.P. if your not happy" and imagined this being my shortest post ever!! That waffle gene always gets the better of me!

Drumpot,

I agree totally with you. No one should be afraid to consider changing GP, Counsellor, or Psychiatrist. If one is unhappy with the relationship or lack of progress, it is important for one's health to seek out the best possible treatment or attention .

Apologies I don't understand the reference to Tyler Durden
Is it a case of great minds think alike?

I merely expressed my recognition of the earliest meeting with my GP who was extremely generous with her time and yet worked in an extremely busy practice. I think it goes back to my business life where time was everything, I always had a habit of creating a list or agenda items before meeting my clients. Simply a case of good time management.:)

Wattle

Drumpot wrote: »

I have made new friends and feel the exact same way. I am actually normally quite extravert but feel very vulnerable right not and I am going through a lot of emotional changes.

But the one thing I have tried to do is not imagine what they are thinking and just try to feel ok around them. This entails being comfortable with contributing nothing other then my presence. I am learning to not small chat when I don't feel like it. I used to be the "fluffer" of the group, the person who would make sure any uncomfortable silences were filled with jokes or my waffle. I can tell you I still sometimes get uncomfortable when I am around certain groups of people and there are silences, but one thing I don't do anymore is put pressure on myself to compensate for the lack of conversation.

The funny thing is that a good friend gave me some great advice when I used to get paranoid if I didn't "perform" in a social situation as I felt I should - "Do you think that the person or people you were talking to agonises as much about you not talking or being entertaining as much as you get upset about it?". He went further and said "Do you think that made or broke their night ?". He went further and said "Do you think they were thinking about your lack of "entertainment value" later on that night or the next day?" . . And I obviously said "probably not" to which he said , well why are you spending so much time worrying about something that nobody else even wastes a minute on ?

Now this is a friend who has also been through it all (emotionally - depression etc) so they weren't being "smart", they were speaking from experience and how they learned to cope with it. Sounds simple when they say it but learning how to practise it has proven to be much more difficult. Like I have said in many threads, CBT has helped me conquer challenges that I once thought were beyond me and in many cases the solutions has been as simple as learning to change my perception on the exact same scenarios and learning to DO something about it instead of simply imagining where I would prefer to be.

Good points there Drumpot. People actually think about us far less than we realise. It's just that sometimes we feel so sensitive and uncomfortable in some situations that we think that everybody notices.

Wanderer2010

Feeling it really bad today, the kind of depression that saps all the color out of you and made me a zombie at work, just no motivation, energy or hope. Tried to break down my work day into one hour chunks just to get through it, and that only barely worked, had to gather myself twice in the bathroom just to push on. Then when I tried to join in with work chat I just stumbled over my words and blushed and ended up feeling/looking foolish and awkward so I gave up hence felt even worse.

I know many people feel like this at work but its hard to notice it when you experience it surrounded by all the happy go lucky socially skilled people, Im just hoping tomorrow will be a bit better and not to be so hard on myself.

stop animal cruelty

Thanks to all who replied to me, ye have lifted my mood...l guess l am being too hard on myself, l need to stop imagineing what people are saying & thinking about me...think lm going to start a psycotherapist, too much **** runs thru my head....

delthedriver

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

Thanks to all who replied to me, ye have lifted my mood...l guess l am being too hard on myself, l need to stop imagineing what people are saying & thinking about me...think lm going to start a psycotherapist, too much **** runs thru my head....

SAC,

You are a wonderful person! Please be very kind to yourself.
You are young, have a nice job, so get out there and enjoy life.
Life is for living, enjoy every day.

Best Wishes

D.

stop animal cruelty

delthedriver wrote: »

SAC,

You are a wonderful person! Please be very kind to yourself.
You are young, have a nice job, so get out there and enjoy life.
Life is for living, enjoy every day.

Best Wishes

D.

haha l dunno about being wonderful, but thanks much for that little message

Drumpot

delthedriver wrote: »

Apologies I don't understand the reference to Tyler Durden
Is it a case of great minds think alike?

.:)

That is one way of putting it . . :P

Tyler Durden was a character in Fight club. If you haven't seen the movie I wont explain it anymore unless you say you will definitely wont watch it as my explanation would ruin the enjoyment of one of the greatest roles of cinema history (in my view) which was in easily one of the greatest movies of modern time (on IMDB - 750k votes and it gets 8.9/10! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0137523/ ) .

Incidentally for anybody who has seen the movie the fact that you have your location down as several different places at once is even more fitting with the character. . God I want to watch that movie right now ! ! !

Drumpot

Anyways, since Im here already just wanted to give an update to anybody who feels there is no way out of depression , feeling down, feeling lonely or feeling useless.

I have posted my story here as much for myself as I have for others (wont pretend to be a saint by any stretch). I haven't won the lotto, gotten a better job, changed friends, changed families, moved country or made any radical changes in my life (did change G.P. but that's about as crazy as its gotten so far), but I have changed my way of thinking which has completely changed my life.

I smile as I write this because I am in the middle of a Sh*t storm in certain aspects of my life and I am coping in a way I never thought possible. I am able to put it into context in my life. I have , through a lot of soul searching and trying to see myself and my life for what it is, been able to bring a little balance to my life. This has made me a better husband, father, son, business owner, adviser, friend and all round person. This in turn (and personally more important) has helped me have a better opinion of myself, given me some confidence and helped me deal with the negative aspects of my life much better.

I don't automatically resign myself to failure or a life of misery. If I get a win or something good happens, I don't automatically dread the fact that this happy moment will no doubt be gone soon when something else bad happens. I can enjoy friends and familys (and my children more so) company and don't dread social situations as much as I used to. .

I could go on, but think theres enough in this for hopefully somebody to get something from it. The thing is that I had been searching for along time (I would say at least 15 years) for my solution, but one of the biggest things holding me back was myself. I was looking in the wrong places. I was like a US soldier looking for WMD in Iraq. I did not have the KNOWLEDGE or TRAINING within myself to be able to help find balance on my own. I was scared that I was simply mad, a weirdo or worst still just somebody who was lazy (and didn't deserve help).

I have no connection with CBT other then as a patient so I am not promoting it for any personal gain. I just wish everybody tried a little bit of it (as I don't know one person who couldn't benefit from it). Trying and reading it was not enough (and I cant stress this enough). I committed to it. Like I committed to a plan of action from my new doctor. I didn't just think "well I hope to god this works" and then wait for something to happen. I worked with the programme and actively tried to practise some of its very basic/sensible tips. . I want to say this again . . I ACTIVELY TOOK PART IN MY REHABILITATION AND DIDNT WAIT FOR SOMEBODY/SOMETHING TO FIX ME.

For example (this is brief, please don't judge it on this alone!), part of CBT tries to get you to work towards having three things (multiple times) each day - Closeness, Achievement, Enjoyment. The goal is to eventually have these positive experiences more then the negative experiences. Now I will pick "achievement" and say this is something we can all do even as habit. Open a door for an old lady. Make a cup of tea for your wife/mother etc. Clean your room/house/car. It doesn't specifically have to be selfless (eg clean up something that you benefit from) but something that makes you feel good about yourself.

Now I didn't start doing things and changing my habits and all of a sudden my life has been great. I kept forgetting some of the basic tools CBT teaches you and found when I was frustrated that I was like "f*ckin CBT makes things sound so simple, but its not". That was and still is part of my learning curve, but I have seen the benefits from following the course (not following it strictly, but consistently trying to get back to basics).

It hasn't been my only training. I goto regular meetings with like minded people (support groups) even if I don't feel like it. Because it grounds me and reminds me where I have come from. It also means when I am back in the room (when I am feeling down) I have some sort of attachment with the group (ie I haven't lost touch during the good moments). I also keep my doctor updated on how I am (when I go into him which is far less frequent). I speak to my wife more about my feelings (I said to her on Monday "I feel sad", that was enough for me to feel a bit better).

I think stories of people who have learned to get through depression are just as important for people in it trying to tell their story. I am not fixed, I do not always feel good. But I am currently experiencing things in my life that I never thought possible.

I know that when I was feeling low, vulnerable, lonely and useless that getting out of bed was an "achievement". I know if I was reading what I am writing now, this time last year, I would be cursing the poster and already resigned to the fact that it would work for most people but probably not me. If you can even try to understand the idea that what you think and how you perceive the world around you can transform the enjoyment of your life, you will of started the process of giving yourself a chance.

I'm off to spend 5 mins playing with my dogs. I work for myself and have loads of work to do and I am under serious pressure to get business on my books. But do you know what . . Nobody is going to die if I spend those 5 or 10 mins of ENJOYMENT/CLOSENESS with my dogs. It will relax me, make me happy and I will be more productive in the afternoon. This time last year I would simply spend most of the day with my hands in my head thinking about all the things I wished I had done , all the things I wanted to do and lamenting all the things I will miss out on (including playing with my dogs) as a result of my perceived inadequacy/laziness.

lkionm

Thanks for the advice guys.

Went to the GP today, with the list. I would have definitely forgotten. The good thing was, he was the family GP so he knew enough about my family dynamic which was good as he knows my father and mother personally so he knew what I was on about and the background from where it started so he knew more than I needed to tell him.

He gave me lexapro for a week and to come back after a week and a number for a psychotherapist, Probably gonna do that every second week at around 60ish euro. I had planned on giving up drinking til I was happy to enjoy a beer so 60 is what I would spend on a night out anyway so its a much better investment.

I know myself where it comes from so what do they do there?

hollster2

Bad day today partners gone into residential care today. Its so heartbreaking hes not here even to say goodnight to the kids. I miss his voice already. All im doing is crying I cant snap out of it everytime I think of him.

roseybear

Just not in a great place.. feel very on edge, little things are getting me really worked up and angry then dwn in to a depressed mood. In work tomorrow and not on my ususl ward because its quiet so gtting sent elsewhere which has me even more worked up. Been thinking of packing in the job cause I dnt like how the sydtem works, it really effects my mental wellbeing. Something else comes along im gne. And I know iv upset my mam today but I cant say anything, apology r orherwise causr il gt set off and I have 2 days of 13hr.shifts ahead of me so cant go in to work in an even worse state

delthedriver

Drumpot wrote: »

That is one way of putting it . . :P

Tyler Durden was a character in Fight club. If you haven't seen the movie I wont explain it anymore unless you say you will definitely wont watch it as my explanation would ruin the enjoyment of one of the greatest roles of cinema history (in my view) which was in easily one of the greatest movies of modern time (on IMDB - 750k votes and it gets 8.9/10! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0137523/ ) .

Incidentally for anybody who has seen the movie the fact that you have your location down as several different places at once is even more fitting with the character. . God I want to watch that movie right now ! ! !

Thanks for the info. Never heard of the movie , will check out when I get a chance:)

lkionm

Drumpot wrote: »

That is one way of putting it . . :P

Tyler Durden was a character in Fight club. If you haven't seen the movie I wont explain it anymore unless you say you will definitely wont watch it as my explanation would ruin the enjoyment of one of the greatest roles of cinema history (in my view) which was in easily one of the greatest movies of modern time (on IMDB - 750k votes and it gets 8.9/10! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0137523/ ) .

Incidentally for anybody who has seen the movie the fact that you have your location down as several different places at once is even more fitting with the character. . God I want to watch that movie right now ! ! !

I know this thread is about talking but there is somethings we just shouldn't talk about. Dont break rule no. 1

delthedriver

lkionm wrote: »

Thanks for the advice guys.

Went to the GP today, with the list. I would have definitely forgotten. The good thing was, he was the family GP so he knew enough about my family dynamic which was good as he knows my father and mother personally so he knew what I was on about and the background from where it started so he knew more than I needed to tell him.

He gave me lexapro for a week and to come back after a week and a number for a psychotherapist, Probably gonna do that every second week at around 60ish euro. I had planned on giving up drinking til I was happy to enjoy a beer so 60 is what I would spend on a night out anyway so its a much better investment.

I know myself where it comes from so what do they do there?

Well done. The best investment you can ever make is in your own health:)

delthedriver

hollster2 wrote: »

Bad day today partners gone into residential care today. Its so heartbreaking hes not here even to say goodnight to the kids. I miss his voice already. All im doing is crying I cant snap out of it everytime I think of him.

One day at a time. Tomorrow is a new day. Take good care of yourself:)

I saw my GP on Monday and she wrote a letter to my tutor about my problems. I have to meet him Friday. I'm really sad that it's come to this but I guess it's better that they know about it. Still having major problems with procrastination, I don't know how the hell I'm gonna be able to write a whole dissertation. A lot of the people on my course have already sorted PhDs to begin next year, whereas I'm gonna be struggling to find some entry level job. I'm happy for them but insanely jealous at the same time. I was always considered academic in secondary school and thought one day that I'd like to do a PhD - problem was I then hated my undergrad. I'm only doing this MSc to try and make up for the lousy 2.2 I ended up with in my BSc. If I knew back when I was filling out my CAO what I wanted to do, I honestly think I could have gone on and got a better degree, which could have led me on to a PhD in something I cared about and was capable of doing. I know it's pointless to look back at the past and "shoulda woulda coulda" but depression and anxiety make me ruminate on the past much more than is healthy. I'm really struggling to imagine what kind of future I have ahead of me now....

starling

lkionm wrote: »

Thanks for the advice guys.

Went to the GP today, with the list. I would have definitely forgotten. The good thing was, he was the family GP so he knew enough about my family dynamic which was good as he knows my father and mother personally so he knew what I was on about and the background from where it started so he knew more than I needed to tell him.

He gave me lexapro for a week and to come back after a week and a number for a psychotherapist, Probably gonna do that every second week at around 60ish euro. I had planned on giving up drinking til I was happy to enjoy a beer so 60 is what I would spend on a night out anyway so its a much better investment.

I know myself where it comes from so what do they do there?

Originally there was a notion that finding the root cause of a problem would magically eliminate it, I think that was one of Freuds ideas or possibly it is a misinterpretation by others of Freuds ideas.
Anyway my point is that this idea does not apply. Some people have very definite things they can point to and say " that's why I'm suffering from depression" but many more have no definite reason why this condition has developed. And some people go through all kinds of stuff in life without having depression.
In the end trying to pin down the root cause of someone's depression is not as productive as just getting straight to treating it. For some people talking to a therapist about their life helps because they may feel they have no-one else they can unburden themselves freely to, and having someone trusted you can talk to is very helpful.
But in the case of depression and/or anxiety, so far the most effective route has been shown to be a combination of medication, lifestyle changes and cognitive behavioural therapy.
So when you meet the psychotherapist the first time they will ask you a bit about your life, your family, etc (you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to:)) but mainly they will discuss things like challenging negative thoughts and basically practical things you can do to improve things.
I think I said in an earlier post, it's not so much "why do I feel like this" and more "how can I stop feeling like this":)
That's assuming your psychotherapist is using the cbt approach of course. But most of them do. It's counsellors as opposed to pdychotherapists who tend to do more of the "let me provide a listening ear" kind of stuff (one reason why basically anyone can call themselves a counsellor).
Anyway, what I'm saying is, it's not the old "lie on the couch and let's dig up some painful memories" thing. It's just talking to a person who is trained to help you deal with depression in the most effective way we know about so far. Nothing to be nervous about at all:)

efb

Bad day Tuesday didn't go into work today (weds) was feeling better this eve but slept most of the day and can't sleep now

starling

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I saw my GP on Monday and she wrote a letter to my tutor about my problems. I have to meet him Friday. I'm really sad that it's come to this but I guess it's better that they know about it. Still having major problems with procrastination, I don't know how the hell I'm gonna be able to write a whole dissertation. A lot of the people on my course have already sorted PhDs to begin next year, whereas I'm gonna be struggling to find some entry level job. I'm happy for them but insanely jealous at the same time. I was always considered academic in secondary school and thought one day that I'd like to do a PhD - problem was I then hated my undergrad. I'm only doing this MSc to try and make up for the lousy 2.2 I ended up with in my BSc. If I knew back when I was filling out my CAO what I wanted to do, I honestly think I could have gone on and got a better degree, which could have led me on to a PhD in something I cared about and was capable of doing. I know it's pointless to look back at the past and "shoulda woulda coulda" but depression and anxiety make me ruminate on the past much more than is healthy. I'm really struggling to imagine what kind of future I have ahead of me now....

I am a master of procrastination and I understand where you're coming from. Many people mistakenly confuse it with laziness and I did too for a long time, which gave me something else to beat myself up about
But if you're determined to compare yourself to others (another very difficult habit to break) then I hope my story will make you feel better. I was Reading at two, went to Montessori for a year, started school at three, the teachers suggested my parents put me in a school for gifted children. They didn't because the educational psychologist they took me to said the academic benefit would be outweighed by the risk of affecting my social development. What I'm saying is (and I don't want to sound like I'm boasting) I was officially a "gifted" child. Yet for various reasons one of which was definitely depression I only got a pass degree.
You may think your academic achievements (and they are achievements) are poor compared to your fellow students, or compared to what you might have been capable of in other circumstances, but you are looking at it through a lens of very high expectations. You are discounting the very significant achievement involved in getting those kind of results with depression. Everyone has their own problems but you are like a man running a race and feeling bad that someone else is running faster than him, forgetting about the fact that he's the only one there who's running in high heels and carrying a backpack full of rocks.
I'm not discounting the importance of academic qualifications, but when you're actually in college they tend to naturally take on an inflated significance. The entire institution exists for academic achievement, so naturally that is given a place of high esteem.
However in "real life" as it were other factors become just as important in your career. How well you can work with others is extremely valuable, and that is not reflected in academic results. How reliable you are and how much your employers can depend on and trust you is similarly important and is also not a part of your Msc. You probably know this already, I don't mean to sound condescending or anything.
Your story indicates that you're capable of working very hard in difficult circumstances which is a definite mark in your favour. If your peers have not had to deal with the kind of difficulties you have, they may not be so prepared to deal with the kind if difficulties life will inevitably thow their way. And this is where your experiences with depression can actually help you. You have experience of dealing with a problem and while others may have taken their mental health for granted you have spent time working on yours and learning how to cope. Rather than being "weak" in comparison to others you are actually stronger. It may not feel that way but you're looking at it from the inside.
Anyway those are just my thoughts on it. If any of it helps I'm glad, if it's not relevant to you feel free to ignore me:)

starling

starling wrote: »

But if you're determined to compare yourself to others (another very difficult habit to break) then I hope my story will make you feel better. I was Reading at two, went to Montessori for a year, started school at three, the teachers suggested my parents put me in a school for gifted children. They didn't because the educational psychologist they took me to said the academic benefit would be outweighed by the risk of affecting my social development. What I'm saying is (and I don't want to sound like I'm boasting) I was officially a "gifted" child. Yet for various reasons one of which was definitely depression I only got a pass degree.

Yeah, I've always compared myself negatively to others. Going from being the "smartest" kid in school (only in academic terms, probably every other kid in my class was more streetwise and had more common sense than me!) to an "always near the bottom" student at 3rd level has always depressed me. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it fully tbh.

You may think your academic achievements (and they are achievements) are poor compared to your fellow students, or compared to what you might have been capable of in other circumstances, but you are looking at it through a lens of very high expectations. You are discounting the very significant achievement involved in getting those kind of results with depression. Everyone has their own problems but you are like a man running a race and feeling bad that someone else is running faster than him, forgetting about the fact that he's the only one there who's running in high heels and carrying a backpack full of rocks.

See the depression didn't hit me fully until I was already in college when I realised I hated my course. For financial reasons I couldn't drop out and so had to keep going. It's amazing to think that if I had picked a different course, or at least had the courage to drop out in first or second year, that not only would I potentially be on a different career path with a more impressive qualification in a field I genuinely cared about, but I also may not have been hit as hard or at all) by depression. My life could've been so much better....and again "shoulda woulda coulda" but I can't help those 'what if' feelings haunt me.
Though the image of me running in high heels made me laugh, so thanks for that.

However in "real life" as it were other factors become just as important in your career. How well you can work with others is extremely valuable, and that is not reflected in academic results. How reliable you are and how much your employers can depend on and trust you is similarly important and is also not a part of your Msc. You probably know this already, I don't mean to sound condescending or anything.
Your story indicates that you're capable of working very hard in difficult circumstances which is a definite mark in your favour. If your peers have not had to deal with the kind of difficulties you have, they may not be so prepared to deal with the kind if difficulties life will inevitably thow their way. And this is where your experiences with depression can actually help you. You have experience of dealing with a problem and while others may have taken their mental health for granted you have spent time working on yours and learning how to cope. Rather than being "weak" in comparison to others you are actually stronger. It may not feel that way but you're looking at it from the inside.

See my problem is if even all that is true, and dealing with this has made me stronger, it's not something I can put on my CV or bring up in an interview. No-one wants to hire a depressed person, even less than those willing to take on someone with "just" a 2.2.

Anyway those are just my thoughts on it. If any of it helps I'm glad, if it's not relevant to you feel free to ignore me:)

I don't ignore any comments here! I hugely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my posts and respond to them, so I'm very grateful. I just wish I could be more help to others on this thread; sadly, as I said before, I just suck at giving advice to others...

RossFixxxed

It's worth noting I read some of you guys posts around the different forums and often think 'man that guy/girl has their stuff together, they're so smart and focused' and so on. It's rather humbling to see the struggles you are all facing. It's always worth remembering we're in this together and it affects every 'type' of person. You're not broken, weird and you sure as hell aren't alone!

Was in with oncologist for a minor skin cancer situation (I'm fine, surgery next month) and realised I can handle these big scares and situations pretty well.... I'm dreadful at the more day to day stuff. Anyone find themselves like that at all? Put me in a job interview or in front of 200 people to talk about something and I'm Zen. Going to buy milk: gruelling!

Drumpot

starling wrote: »

I am a master of procrastination and I understand where you're coming from. Many people mistakenly confuse it with laziness and I did too for a long time, which gave me something else to beat myself up about

Along time ago I started singing (in my head) the pretty woman song, but replacing the title with the word "procrastination".

Procrastination, walking down the street,
Procrastination, the kind I like to meet,
Procrastination, I don't believe you, your not the truth . .


Stupid, I know but I did it to make light of my consistent inability to make a decision which would drive me mad. I would try to analyse all facets of a situation before coming to the conclusion that there is no perfect way of fulfilling the role on front of me therefore no point in even trying! This is the case in many important and unimportant scenarios.

My therapist branded me a perfectionist which I found hilarious (as I always thought myself just lazy/unproductive). But if you think about it, seldom will a person looking for perfection in anything be satisfied. As such, no matter how much a perfectionist achieves, they will always see themselves as a failure.

Deleted User wrote: »

Yeah, I've always compared myself negatively to others. Going from being the "smartest" kid in school (only in academic terms, probably every other kid in my class was more streetwise and had more common sense than me!) to an "always near the bottom" student at 3rd level has always depressed me. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it fully tbh.

I was a fairly bright child in school, particularly up until my teens (when my emotional trouble started). I was told how much I wasn't fulfilling my potential and ultimately (like above perfectionist comments) gave up studying in school or college cause I felt a failure before even doing the exams.

You are correct in that society builds up importance of things that truly aren't important. I also think that its very misguided in teaching children tools that do nothing to help them grow emotionally. The focus on education is entirely towards college and jobs which is ridiculous because very little you learn in these institutions is applicable once finished.

RossFixxxed wrote: »

It's worth noting I read some of you guys posts around the different forums and often think 'man that guy/girl has their stuff together, they're so smart and focused' and so on. It's rather humbling to see the struggles you are all facing. It's always worth remembering we're in this together and it affects every 'type' of person. You're not broken, weird and you sure as hell aren't alone!

Was in with oncologist for a minor skin cancer situation (I'm fine, surgery next month) and realised I can handle these big scares and situations pretty well.... I'm dreadful at the more day to day stuff. Anyone find themselves like that at all? Put me in a job interview or in front of 200 people to talk about something and I'm Zen. Going to buy milk: gruelling!

2 things. I am getting my testicle scanned tomorrow for a long term (years) pain I have ignored, but finally have persevered to get checked. Ive had some scares to do with different organs in the last 3 years (one stage I thought I had cancer!), but it does put into context the ridiculous fallacy of the "normal pressures" that is considered by society - job interviews - a job - material objects etc.

Secondly . . I didn't sleep last night. Was worried with plenty of stuff and feel a bit sick today. My wife was at the doctors and there are plenty of financial/work related issues to take up a page here. I was conscious that I have been generally only coming here when I feel well and people may get the impression that I have found the well of life to make my life perfect. Right now I feel a bit teary as I am jaded and a little worried about how things will pan out in the next few months.

BUT . . I feel like I can deal with it. . This time last year I would be in meltdown . . Full of self loathing and clueless as to what to do. .

Right now, I have a list of things to do, if I get even ONE done I will consider it a productive day (in my current state). What I also know is that this moment/feeling will pass. I also know I have a support group meeting that I can go to later on tonight which is a nice thing to be able to fall back on. I know its there if I want it.