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LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!
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^^ Yeah Homer my GP referred me to a psychologist in a public clinic, I didn't have to pay. That was when I was working and paying PRSI but if you have a medical card you should be grand.
Edit: Tell your doctor you'd prefer someone who does CBT, years ago a different GP sent me to a counsellor (as opposed to a psychologist) and I didn't get much out of her approach.
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This is awful to read. I hate the thought of anybody telling me I am not looking after my children. I can look back now over the last 4 and a half years of my childs life and honestly say that, while I wasn't abusive or anything nasty like that, I certainly did not give my son the attention he required or wanted over the years. When I was looking after him, I just wanted to do what I wanted to do (usually play playstation, watch a match and try to completely zone out from the world). This meant I usually fed him the most convenient things aswell.
I speak about it with my wife now, she was never really that concerned, but that doesn't matter and this is where you may be right now. I was unable to see my own shortfalls, that others were. I was just really lost in depression. I found it very hard to view anything outside of the parameters that I saw this horrible world. Surely it wasn't that bad that I just wanted to relax (which I never really knew how to). I wasn't able to put my son's considerations first, because I was incapable of looking after myself, so how could I honestly be expected to take care of a child (two children to be precise).
I loved and cared for my children in the only way I knew how and I don't believe many people would think they had an awful upbringing. But I do think that my condition and attention to them could very well of progressed and gotten worse. I don't believe it was a reflection on my character, more a reflection of how lost I really was.
I am now able to better judge situations and so much better at giving my attention to my children far far more. I love my time with them, when it used to be a hindrance (no weekends to myself, no sleep ons in the morning!). I am less narky with them because I appreciate them more. I see how I was and don't beat myself up about it, I just realise how lost and alone I truly was.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is see the thing that is literally staring you in the face. Seeing our own flaws. I am not saying that the councillor or your partner are correct, what I am saying is that perhaps they see something you don't. It could very well just be that you are just struggling in life. I don't think it matters how much or little you are struggling, children are affected because they know and are impacted as a result.
It can be so hard to show vulnerability and in this savagely judgemental (to a point of hypocrisy) world, the thought of putting faith in another person used to horrify me, but in the end it worked out.
I am sure you appreciate that I can only comment on what you have posted here. Irrespective of your personal situation, it sounds like you need help. In an ideal world, you would have an objective, strong, trustworthy, honest, informed friend/therapist to bounce your situation off.
Perhaps you might try and look at your situation in a more open mind. Try to be empathetic with your partner (irrespective or your relationship with them) and ask yourself if you were in their shoes would you feel the same. If you were in the shoes of the social worker, would you feel the same? Do you need help? You do not have to answer these questions here or post the answer. These are questions you need to ask yourself and answer as honestly as you can.
If you are really struggling with work/life balance and looking after your child you can either struggle on and live in fear or face the problem in some manner. Good luck, I hope it works out for you . .
Thanks for your reply.
I guess what upsets me is the fact I am being told by pretty much around me I am doing a terrible job but yet offer no kind of help. Isn't that part of social services job? I had a meeting with my ex on Thursday along with some members of our families and social workers and he point blank refused right in front of them to help. He has our daughter a grand total of two nights a month, if that. He accused me of stuff that social services themselves have saw to be total rubbish but yet things just keep getting worse, I just don't understand that at all. If they do indeed see something else then they should help instead of punish me and threaten to take my child away. It is hardly helping the situation.
Even my own family don't seem to understand it. I have tried talking to my own mother numerous times about how I feel I am struggling and she dismisses it, says I am lazy because I find it hard to be motivated, that I have nothing to be depressed about. I do everything I can to make sure my daughter is raised in a good environment regardless of how bad I feel at times. Its hard to be told you aren't doing as well as you imagined.0 -
^^^ This is awful Reiketsu I'm so sorry that everyone is criticising you and yet not offering to help. It's so easy to judge and criticise someone else, especially when you don't understand what they're going through, but it doesn't help anyone. People do it because looking down on someone else makes them feel better about themselves. Sometimes that's why they don't offer to help, they need someone they can critcise.
I know how hard it is when someone close to you dismisses your depression and basically your feelings. Try to keep in mind that that is your mothers issue, not a reflection on you. Just don't discuss your feelings with her, it gives her less chance to hurt them. If she is criticising you, maybe say to her "Here is how you can help your granddaughter: (and then suggest whatever practical thing you think would help)......If you really think my daughter is being deprived of something, then help. If you're not willing to do that I have to assume you just want to criticise me. If you're not willing to help make this situation better, you don't have the right to criticise how I'm managing."
I know that this can be very difficult and half the time I end up just biting my tongue. But the times when I have tried talking about unreasonable behaviour eg "Alright look, this does not need to be an argument, I'll listen to what you're saying if you stop shouting" I at least feel better that I've tried.
Surely, social worker can see that your ex is being unreasonable if he can't even pretend he's going to help at the meeting with them. Also remember that you don't have to just let this one social worker decide everything, you can appeal, and you can point out things they haven't taken into account like the issue of bringing your child to speech therapy when you've no car etc.
As for the damp, sure that's a huge problem for lots of people; I had an internal bathroom in my last flat and damp was a big problem because there was no window. It's not a sign of bad housekeeping or being dirty.
I know this is easier said than done but try not to take this criticism you are getting too hard. With depression we tend to take negative comments too seriously and they hit us harder. Put that together with the fact that you're getting criticism over how you look after your child - a hugely emotive issue for anyone, even when their ex isn't trying to make things worse - and of course it's going to be incredibly painful.
But you know that you love your child more than anything. So don't let this criticism make you feel guilty. You are doing your best and you are doing it under difficult circumstances that your critics don't understand. Don't waste any mental energy on them. Concentrate on the practical issues only. Do what you can about them and explain to the social worker "Here s what I have done. I would also like to do x y z but I can't right now because of abc"
I don't mean making excuses I mean just pointing out stuff like "Yes my child missed an appointment but I had a work commitment and needed to reschedule; as a single parent that is an unfortunate fact of life" and "I have been in the process of arranging home visits because I do not have a car" etc. If possible do it in writing so that there is evidence on file of you making all the effort you can to address anything the social worker has raised. If you need to go to appeal further down the line that will help there too. Next time your child has a checkup maybe the doctor would write a letter for you saying that she is not underweight or malnutritioned?
Try to keep your chin up. I know you feel isolated and like everyone just wants to have a go at you. Don't let them get you down. You've got a daughter who loves and needs you and the thing that she needs most from you is not a bathroom without damp but the genuine love and care that you have to give her. She is a lucky little girl, who will be just fine and so will you 0 -
^^^ This is awful Reiketsu I'm so sorry that everyone is criticising you and yet not offering to help. It's so easy to judge and criticise someone else, especially when you don't understand what they're going through, but it doesn't help anyone. People do it because looking down on someone else makes them feel better about themselves. Sometimes that's why they don't offer to help, they need someone they can critcise.
I know how hard it is when someone close to you dismisses your depression and basically your feelings. Try to keep in mind that that is your mothers issue, not a reflection on you. Just don't discuss your feelings with her, it gives her less chance to hurt them. If she is criticising you, maybe say to her "Here is how you can help your granddaughter: (and then suggest whatever practical thing you think would help)......If you really think my daughter is being deprived of something, then help. If you're not willing to do that I have to assume you just want to criticise me. If you're not willing to help make this situation better, you don't have the right to criticise how I'm managing."
I know that this can be very difficult and half the time I end up just biting my tongue. But the times when I have tried talking about unreasonable behaviour eg "Alright look, this does not need to be an argument, I'll listen to what you're saying if you stop shouting" I at least feel better that I've tried.
Surely, social worker can see that your ex is being unreasonable if he can't even pretend he's going to help at the meeting with them. Also remember that you don't have to just let this one social worker decide everything, you can appeal, and you can point out things they haven't taken into account like the issue of bringing your child to speech therapy when you've no car etc.
As for the damp, sure that's a huge problem for lots of people; I had an internal bathroom in my last flat and damp was a big problem because there was no window. It's not a sign of bad housekeeping or being dirty.
I know this is easier said than done but try not to take this criticism you are getting too hard. With depression we tend to take negative comments too seriously and they hit us harder. Put that together with the fact that you're getting criticism over how you look after your child - a hugely emotive issue for anyone, even when their ex isn't trying to make things worse - and of course it's going to be incredibly painful.
But you know that you love your child more than anything. So don't let this criticism make you feel guilty. You are doing your best and you are doing it under difficult circumstances that your critics don't understand. Don't waste any mental energy on them. Concentrate on the practical issues only. Do what you can about them and explain to the social worker "Here s what I have done. I would also like to do x y z but I can't right now because of abc"
I don't mean making excuses I mean just pointing out stuff like "Yes my child missed an appointment but I had a work commitment and needed to reschedule; as a single parent that is an unfortunate fact of life" and "I have been in the process of arranging home visits because I do not have a car" etc. If possible do it in writing so that there is evidence on file of you making all the effort you can to address anything the social worker has raised. If you need to go to appeal further down the line that will help there too. Next time your child has a checkup maybe the doctor would write a letter for you saying that she is not underweight or malnutritioned?
Try to keep your chin up. I know you feel isolated and like everyone just wants to have a go at you. Don't let them get you down. You've got a daughter who loves and needs you and the thing that she needs most from you is not a bathroom without damp but the genuine love and care that you have to give her. She is a lucky little girl, who will be just fine and so will you
Well said Starling.
You have given Reiketsu sound practical advice. Well done!
Reiketsu, hopefully things will improve sooner rather than later,
Best Wishes,
Del:)0 -
I'm back! Just found out surgeries were 100% success and cancer free
Thanks for all your support. It's MASSIVELY appreciated, you're a bunch of legends!
I'm on a small dose of Zoloft for stress and so on and it has made a HUGE difference. I'm staying positive more and I'm doing much better in general. Going to keep on the prescription until I see the doc again.0 -
RossFixxxed wrote: »I'm back! Just found out surgeries were 100% success and cancer free
That's fantastic, there's no describing the relief when you get news like that. Wishing you continued good health. 0 -
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Hey Secret ID, welcome to boards
I've moved your post over to this thread as it has been a great help to some of our posters who are suffering from depression.
I would suggest talking to your GP first as they should be able to help point you in the right direction.
Best of luck 0 -
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I really feel great the last while. It feels like I'm closing a chapter now and moving on. It's hard to imagine being at low points at all right now. Everything is so close to being perfect for me that if a few things swing my way and sort out a few minor things I'll be as happy as I could be 0
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Hey everyone, my first post here on boards.ie hope I'm in the right section. I don't really know where to start or how much detail to go into.
Basically feeling really depressed n low lately I need advice. I'm unemployed the last few months and I'm going through trouble with my long term girlfriend well ex as it stands right now. It very long n complicated story so ill spare your eyes. It would be good to have someone to speak to that I could trust aside from my family that already know. Basically I want to know any advice you can give to me I feel lonely bored and depressed right now n I don't really know what to do. I'm usually the one who is there to offer advice or solutions but I'm finding it hard to follow my own advice. It's a Monday evening and I'm bored ****less would like to know how others in any similar situation deal with this or what do you do? Maybe I need to meet a new person, don't really know how.
Thanks
First of all, well done on posting here!
I think you need to be kind to yourself, take life easy and chill awhile.
Rushing headlong into another relationship is not necessarily the answer.
However Monday night, are you a member of a gymn, sports club , where you can meet new people and who knows possibly meet the lady of your dreams.
Right now stay cool and enjoy all that life has to offer, even inexpensive hobbies, walking, running and cycling.
If you have a dog get out and walk the dog, it is amazing how a dog can become a bit of a babe magnet! A great way to break ice. Get out their and enjoy life.
Life is for living, be kind to yourself 0 -
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So, since my last post, I am feeling a good bit better. I spent my day cleaning as I don't want to give any ammunition but I really went to town on it. It's actually amazing how such a simple thing can make you feel better. I made an appointment to see my GP next week as my moods have been so up and down and that concerns me, so we will see how that goes. Oh and with the kids being back to school, its a 30 minute walk in total to and from every day, I'm sure that will give me a boost . 0
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So, since my last post, I am feeling a good bit better. I spent my day cleaning as I don't want to give any ammunition but I really went to town on it. It's actually amazing how such a simple thing can make you feel better. I made an appointment to see my GP next week as my moods have been so up and down and that concerns me, so we will see how that goes. Oh and with the kids being back to school, its a 30 minute walk in total to and from every day, I'm sure that will give me a boost .
That's nice, positive! I know how you feel with your moods being up and down. But from now When I hit a downer I just try think how I felt when I was in a good mood and why I was feeling that way.0 -
delthedriver wrote: »First of all, well done on posting here!
I think you need to be kind to yourself, take life easy and chill awhile.
Rushing headlong into another relationship is not necessarily the answer.
However Monday night, are you a member of a gymn, sports club , where you can meet new people and who knows possibly meet the lady of your dreams.
Right now stay cool and enjoy all that life has to offer, even inexpensive hobbies, walking, running and cycling.
If you have a dog get out and walk the dog, it is amazing how a dog can become a bit of a babe magnet! A great way to break ice. Get out their and enjoy life.
Life is for living, be kind to yourself
Thanks for your reply. Everything you say makes sense. The only thing is I am a member of a gym, I do lots of exercise, everything you've mentioned. Reality still kicks in slightly even during my hobbies and specially when I'm done.
The main thing ill take from your advice is take life easy and chill. It's hard to do in certain times but its a nice thought. Ill just need to work on that.
Thanks0 -
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First time this has happened ever from being away from someone important to me for a while! 
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