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LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!
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Hi CMJ,
Sounds very similar to what my son has being experiencing over the last few weeks also! Like you, he'd say he hadn't dreamt in years or couldn't remember dreaming, good or bad, at all. Then, last week he had a dream,nightmare, the only way he could explain it was it like he was dreaming within the dream itself, thought he woke up, but only woke up in the dream, If that makes sense? Whatever the dream was about he just said it was a weird experience, not a pleasant one.
He started back to education two weeks ago, after two year of being absent. He, and I think his dream was in some way a manifestation of his fears and anxiousness in returning to schooling.
Have no words of wisdom or anything for you, but continued progress to you in your well being
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Sorry for the ramble there, but nice to know neither of you are alone in these experiences
From what you say of your son, and my own experience I think it is definitely reflective of a change of intensity in the mind.
How is you son handling it? I assume he got himself into a better head space to be able to go back?Very interesting! I have always been a very vivid dreamer and never wondered at the significance. That's a great analogy that you are getting rid of the negative energy, it makes a lot of sense. Do you remember ulinbac said he had really bad nightmares after he started TM? Sweet dreams tonight, or maybe not.
Hey murria, the fact that you have always been a vivid dreamer says to me that your brain doesn't have too much film about it, that you feel a lot and are sensitive. (That actually sounded like one those 'readings', didn't mean it like that but just my thoughts on it).
That is interesting, I don't remember reading ulenbac mention nightmares, I think some of the 'film' is being removed as I said and naturally more of the content of the mind is being brought to the fore. So while a terrible experience at the time, on reflection I think it is a sign of a real shift. It could be just a complete anomaly but that would be a huge coincidence based on the seismic-yet-subtle shift in my experience of life in the past week especially.
One thing that gives me strength is that there seems to be scientific evidence that a lack of emotional attachment to the self causes the brain to function at its optimal level and that neuroplasticity means these changes that I'm making and continue to make will continue to grow physically in my brain so that they strengthen and my old negative pathways weaken.
It was also interesting to read that the left side and right side of the brain maintain a perfect symmetry on a conceptual as well physical level. The ultimate goal of the left brain is to maintain our current beliefs and perception of the world, while the right is tasked with challenging our current beliefs and modifying them using the latest experiences.
Fascinating stuff that isn't just intellectual porn for me because it resonates to know the true nature of this piece of meat that has caused me so much suffering.0 -
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I have been feeling pretty rubbish today, really just wanting to have a hug and a good cry. Back to my doctor on Wednesday though. I've gone from sleeping 3 hours a night to never wanting to waken.
I had one of those days yesterday. Ended up ringing someone and saying how I was feeling and could they spare an hour to get coffee. Hope you're feeling better today
I feel like my stomach is a washing machine, stupid tablets make me feel so sick, theres no feeling I hate more in the world! Constant nausea and now Im getting this 'zap' type thing, like my brain skips half a second like a video.
Ugh another few days of this!0 -
Ihatecuddles wrote: »I had one of those days yesterday. Ended up ringing someone and saying how I was feeling and could they spare an hour to get coffee. Hope you're feeling better today
I feel like my stomach is a washing machine, stupid tablets make me feel so sick, theres no feeling I hate more in the world! Constant nausea and now Im getting this 'zap' type thing, like my brain skips half a second like a video.
Ugh another few days of this!
Thanks. I was a good bit better today, think insomnia is just really starting to get to me. After one good sleep I'm back to square one (hence posting at 3:50am!). I will be getting my dose doubled tomorrow, dreading the side effects, but they do go away soon enough - just have to stick it out 0 -
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On Today FM they were talking about intrusive thoughts.
Surely though everyone gets these thoughts from time to time that put you down? Is that not completely normal?
They were also talking about self harming. When I was around 13 I used to cut my arms and lets a lot. I have scars because of it unfortunately but I generally used a stanley blade so they're not as bad as they could have been. It's so long ago that I don't really remember my mindset at the time, but I don't think it was depression or a feeling of sadness even. I think I enjoyed the feeling of being alive if that makes sense in a distorted way. I thought I'd even read something along these lines about self harming in the past but they were linking it directly to depression on the show.
I could be getting my wires totally crossed here because as I said, I can't really remember my thoughts from 14 years ago. When I try to remember myself at 13 I was a happy kid in my mind.
What really seems to be the point in my mind where something definitely changed was when I hit puberty, like a brick wall. I was very late, embarrassingly enough and I completely changed. That's something to this day I'm quite amazed that more people didn't notice the drastic change in my personality. I was probably a sort of semi shy kid but at the same time very out going, and hard to shut up with people I knew. I was generally only shy around new people and by the time I was 15 my confidence was off the chart. Then a few years later I hit puberty and became a shell. I became extremely quiet and only talked to a few people in my class.
I was always somewhat annoyed that my family never seemed to notice the change in me, or at least it was never mentioned.
Anyway it took me until I was about 22 to begin to start regaining my confidence and it's still today slowly building each day.
This week in particular I've felt more like my old self that I think I should be than I have in years.
I know confidence and depression are two different things but you need to feel good about yourself to feel good about yourself, in my experience.
For years I also experienced suicidal ideation. I wouldn't be able to sleep unless I was thinking about my death. I googled countless times ways I could kill myself and make it look like an accident.
Even driving on the motorway I'd begin to think to myself that I could crash into a pillar now and people would just think I'd had an unfortunate car crash.
I even had moments where I'd randomly unexplainably start crying. I had no idea what the cause would be but I would feel like ****e. I was on (and still am but a much less strength) medication that has some awful side effects including depression which I had no choice in taking realistically. I'm sure that came into play a bit too.
Over the years though I'm definitely getting to where I want to be. In fact I feel really close now. I always felt like I wasn't in control of my life for a long time and that was a huge factor too.
What's really helped is I have a great group of friends who look out for each other a lot. I've talked to a few people about this and it tends to be people who've gone through their own things that have been the best help.
I think hanging out with people who are "good for you" is particularly important. The first person I ever told I was feeling depressed to, is now looking at it one of the most selfish people I've ever met, for a whole range of reasons. But their response to me was, "what the hell do you have to be depressed about in fairness". I was unemployed at the time for a start.
I've written a little blog about my life there while giving about selfish people
But I don't know, someone might find that useful.
I wonder what part alcohol played in it for me as I know nowadays that can set me in to a bit of a spiral and when I first began to feel the onset of depression I was drinking at the weekends for the sake of drinking. Before that I still drank, but used to be actually looking forward to the event rather than the drinking.
A few years ago I had thought that I'd one day end up killing myself and that it was a matter of time. To know that I was actually thinking like this scares me a little now. Obviously there are days that I feel more like the bad days than I'd like but I think they are becoming less and less and I know that I'm very close to being as happy as I've ever been. 0 -
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TeddyTedson wrote: »On Today FM they were talking about intrusive thoughts.
Surely though everyone gets these thoughts from time to time that put you down? Is that not completely normal?
What really seems to be the point in my mind where something definitely changed was when I hit puberty, like a brick wall.
I was always somewhat annoyed that my family never seemed to notice the change in me, or at least it was never mentioned.
Even driving on the motorway I'd begin to think to myself that I could crash into a pillar now and people would just think I'd had an unfortunate car crash.
What's really helped is I have a great group of friends who look out for each other a lot. I've talked to a few people about this and it tends to be people who've gone through their own things that have been the best help.
I think hanging out with people who are "good for you" is particularly important. The first person I ever told I was feeling depressed to, is now looking at it one of the most selfish people I've ever met, for a whole range of reasons. But their response to me was, "what the hell do you have to be depressed about in fairness". I was unemployed at the time for a start.
I wonder what part alcohol played in it for me as I know nowadays that can set me in to a bit of a spiral and when I first began to feel the onset of depression I was drinking at the weekends for the sake of drinking. Before that I still drank, but used to be actually looking forward to the event rather than the drinking.
A few years ago I had thought that I'd one day end up killing myself and that it was a matter of time. To know that I was actually thinking like this scares me a little now. Obviously there are days that I feel more like the bad days than I'd like but I think they are becoming less and less and I know that I'm very close to being as happy as I've ever been.
Sorry for the ninja edit, I am useless with multi quote!
These bits I can all relate to . Looking back I was actually a kind of quiet person who was publically extravert, but personally very introvert. I liked spending time with myself (playing with my toys) but felt the pressure of conformism (at least that's what I call it) forced me to engage with others.. As soon as I hit my teens the pressure of life started to increase and I was introduced to alcohol which made me literally a party person that was in many cases the joker of the crowd.
I learned early on that if you are courting attention (by having fun and making fun of yourself) it actually took the focus off you. People seldom picked me out for attention because I was always giving the perception that I was looking for attention and as such people didn't give me more attention by slagging me etc. In reality I wasn't enjoying myself, putting myself under more pressure to "perform" at social events. I felt under pressure to be in good form and dreaded going out with friends. .
My friends have always supported me and while I have heard the old "sure what have you got to be depressed about", I don't think they are being rude, just at worst ignorant but more then likely just uninformed on my struggles.
With regards to my family, they never understood me and to a degree they still don't. I don't blame them because like I mentioned in the previous paragraph, its difficult enough for people to understand something in others that they cant relate to, but its even harder when they don't actually know what that person is going through. For a long time I have had a lot of anger towards my family, still do to a degree.
One thing I would have to say is that the more I resolve these feelings towards family, friends, social situations, childhood etc . . The feelings I have agonised over for so long, the easier it is to live my life. The easier it is to sleep (cant believe I'm in bed most nights at 11 and asleep by 12!). I used to dread going to bed because I knew I couldn't sleep and in many cases would spend hours with loads of annoying things racing through my mind. As such I got used to staying up late (watching tv and playing playstation) to wait until I was literally knackered before going up.
On in the last few months have I really hit the ground in my rehabilitation. But I would say there have been moments when I have had intrusive thoughts (heard some of that stuff on Today FM). I have been driving (on my own) at times and thought "I could just turn the wheel into that ditch/wall" and sometimes I have been at peace with the idea. . But a thought is a thought . . Its not important if its not followed by the action. Yes, its scary to even think such a thing but I try not to dwell on these things as much as I used to.
I read many posts here (cant thank them all!) that I totally relate to. At the risk of sounding a bit airy fairy , I believe we all have our own paths to follow. Many of us can eventually find the peace and serenity that we are desperate to feel/find. Some of us will have to work harder then others, but for me one of the most important things was my acceptance that I was unable to find answers myself, my commitment to investing time/money in a solution and in trusting different parties to guide me on a path I could not find myself.
I have a therapist whom I trust completely. I have a doctor who is well informed on my condition and whom I meet regularly. I am now able to communicate my feelings to my family and friends which means I don't feel invisible/alone. And I don't rely on medication to enhance my mood (I can , at times, find peace and joy on my own).
If I read the above paragraph two years ago I would of thought "lucky bastard" . . "Sure everything has fallen into place for him nicely" . . And other stuff that would take the focus off me . . The starting point for my rehabilitation was me looking at me (instead of the world - blaming job, money, friends, family etc) . . I realised that I was the biggest roadblock in my recovery.- My thinking, my understanding of how I was feeling, my ego (I can solve this myself - nobody understands me), my perception of the world around me (this world is horrible, people are mean/ignorant), my lack of trust (doctor suggests something I don't agree with - hes wrong, don't like a particular therapist/councillor therefore don't bother trying again), my unwillingness to change (perhaps getting more exercise will help, cut down on alcohol, eat healthier)
Its funny cause as I write this I imagine some people might think I always talk of me . . Me me me . . But I am trying to learn to speak on these sort of things , of my experience . . Rather then speak as if its just a point of view I have on a topic , like a debate, I am trying to speak on my experiences and how I feel I was able to feel better or overcome a problem. I used to be awfully absolute on topics/things that I didn't have a huge understanding. Like my mental health;)0 -
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Ihatecuddles wrote: »I had one of those days yesterday. Ended up ringing someone and saying how I was feeling and could they spare an hour to get coffee. Hope you're feeling better today
I feel like my stomach is a washing machine, stupid tablets make me feel so sick, theres no feeling I hate more in the world! Constant nausea and now Im getting this 'zap' type thing, like my brain skips half a second like a video.
Ugh another few days of this!
Cymbalta? Those side effects never fully went away while I was on it... especially after the year/year and half mark of being on it. (Although good med for anxiety)
And when I was coming off the med, took like 6 weeks of intense side effects/withdrawal! and that was tapering down over a few months.
Do you also get vertigo? that was almost worse than the brain zaps.
I'll try every other med before going back on that myself! S:0 -
Join Date:Posts: 29920
Can totally relate to that. Tried very hard for people to think highly of me by entertaining them and impressing them. Now I'm a lot more likely to listen and to allow them "breathe". Funny thing is, it seems like everyone is happier with things that wayCall Me Jimmy wrote: »Top post drumpot, and your emphasis on you being the roadblock is spot on. Some people might dismiss it because it sounds SO basic and simple an idea but it is the truth and as we all know the truth will set you free.
I was interested to read about your social development, quite similar to mine. I do have a question though, if you don't mind:
You were the self-professed 'attention-seeker' and 'joker', do you find that with recovery you are more 'meditative' (for want of a better word) in social situations?
I'm slightly struggling at the moment in the sense that the old me was the 'try-hard-get-people-laughing-as-much-as-possible' but I've been doing some inner engineering as sadhguru calls it and I sometimes notice I am a bit less lively in social situations. It's like I give people more of a chance to flourish themselves instead of me assuming 'here i better make things happen here'.
Can you relate to any of this? A transition when you become more peaceful? The biggest thing I identified with besides my looks was my 'being funny/exciting' but with more peacefulness i'm afraid I might lose that a bit?
Interested to hear more from you and I'm glad you are steadying the ship!
T.0 -
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looking_around wrote: »Cymbalta? Those side effects never fully went away while I was on it... especially after the year/year and half mark of being on it. (Although good med for anxiety)
And when I was coming off the med, took like 6 weeks of intense side effects/withdrawal! and that was tapering down over a few months.
Do you also get vertigo? that was almost worse than the brain zaps.
I'll try every other med before going back on that myself! S:
Yeah Cymbalta
God I really hope it goes away! I havent experienced any vertigo thankfully. The brain zaps are the worst side effect for me I think, I feel like people are looking at me when it happens and they can see my head twitch and think Im on some illegal drug! 0
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