LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

grenache

Was supposed to attend a family wedding last Saturday, had the suit cleaned and all, ready to be collected at the dry cleaners. I spent all weekend in bed, and I mean 48 continuous hours. Couldn't face people, I have a social phobia too which makes me highly uncomfortable around people. I felt like absolute death when I did rise on Monday morning for work. And i still haven't collected the suit from the dry cleaners! Not wanting to be awake seems to be top of my priority lately, even though I never sleep well and am constantly tired.

My sister is at me to attend a counsellor, but it's money I don't really have to spare. Situation feels rather hopeless at the moment. Not expecting any help as such, I don't have anyclose friends, only acquaintances who I would socialise with at weekends.

But it's good to write it down and spit it out.

Chrisita

I can really relate to this, that was my life. I could only get excited about something far off, and at the last minute would back out due to extreme fatigue and anxiety.

murria

grenache wrote: »

Was supposed to attend a family wedding last Saturday, had the suit cleaned and all, ready to be collected at the dry cleaners. I spent all weekend in bed, and I mean 48 continuous hours. Couldn't face people, I have a social phobia too which makes me highly uncomfortable around people. I felt like absolute death when I did rise on Monday morning for work. And i still haven't collected the suit from the dry cleaners! Not wanting to be awake seems to be top of my priority lately, even though I never sleep well and am constantly tired.

My sister is at me to attend a counsellor, but it's money I don't really have to spare. Situation feels rather hopeless at the moment. Not expecting any help as such, I don't have anyclose friends, only acquaintances who I would socialise with at weekends.

But it's good to write it down and spit it out.

I think your sister is right you need to do something. I know money is an issue for most people right now, but it is worth investing in your mental health because the situation is not going to change by itself. You probably would have spent a few bob at the wedding, so why not use that money for a visit to the GP as a first step and depending on the outcome of that you can decide what to do next. Another option you have is Aware, they have group meetings in your area and they also do online CBT courses for depression and anxiety and its all free.

If you are a regular reader of this thread and the one in Long Term Illness you will know that it is possible to significantly change the quality of your life. If you aren't a regular then I suggest you spend some time reading through, there are some very inspiring stories. I would encourage you to take some action today, pick up the phone, read the websites, start researching your illness. Take small steps and don't expect too much too quickly but make a start you deserve to be happier.

Drumpot

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Top post drumpot, and your emphasis on you being the roadblock is spot on. Some people might dismiss it because it sounds SO basic and simple an idea but it is the truth and as we all know the truth will set you free.

I was interested to read about your social development, quite similar to mine. I do have a question though, if you don't mind:

You were the self-professed 'attention-seeker' and 'joker', do you find that with recovery you are more 'meditative' (for want of a better word) in social situations?

I'm slightly struggling at the moment in the sense that the old me was the 'try-hard-get-people-laughing-as-much-as-possible' but I've been doing some inner engineering as sadhguru calls it and I sometimes notice I am a bit less lively in social situations. It's like I give people more of a chance to flourish themselves instead of me assuming 'here i better make things happen here'.

Can you relate to any of this? A transition when you become more peaceful? The biggest thing I identified with besides my looks was my 'being funny/exciting' but with more peacefulness i'm afraid I might lose that a bit?

Interested to hear more from you and I'm glad you are steadying the ship!

So you mean to say Im not the funniest person in the world ?????

I don't go out socialising nearly as much as I used to. . Having a family sort of put that on the back burner, but to be honest it actually helped protect me from myself. I used my children/wife as a reason not to go out. Otherwise I dreaded the thought of a night out with friends (who love me and have always given me emotional support). I put more pressure on myself to "perform" then anybody else. I remember after a joke or even after a night, I would critically go through my "jokes" or "performance" and think of how something else might of been funnier etc . .

In answer to your question (I am a terrible waffler, even in yes/no questions!), when I go out now I sort of experiment a bit. I was at 2 weddings in August and in both of them I had different experiences. In the wedding for one of my best friends I engaged more with individuals, but tried to stay out of the group stuff (you know where 4 or more people are having a laugh with each person trying to one-up the other). . I find speaking with one or maybe 2 friends at a time suits me because I don't feel like I am talking (performing) to an audience and I naturally take it easy.

I was wondering about the whole "will I not be funny anymore" and as such "people wouldn't want to be around me", which is a personal insecurity I have had to address. I see how this has corroded the Value I put on my happiness - in short I was putting the importance of making people around me comfortable/entertained above my own peace/happiness. Again, to answer your question, I find that I no longer dread going out. One of the important things was discussing this with friends who have been nothing short of legendry in their support. Even when I am out with them, I know, no matter how good or bad I am feeling, that they will understand if I am not up to going out (I never get badgered anymore to go out) or if I am leaving early or if I am not in a "playful" mood. It just makes going out with friends so much more enjoyable and I don't dread the call with a night out planned next week!

It was slightly different when I was at my wifes friends wedding because obviously my closest friends weren't there and as such I didn't have that comfort/protection. However I had a plan for the night and it was simply that I would leave by 9pm if I wasn't up for the night (discussed of course with my wife who is fully supportive). This took the pressure of thinking I would be up all night with people expecting me to be a laugh. I get on well with my wife's friends (they are very nice) and have the craic with their partners, but they would be expecting a "lively Drumpot", not the more reserved one I am today. I kept to myself that night, my wife was on one side of the table and my sister in law (who knows all about what I am trying to do) sat on the other side which meant I didn't have the pressure of trying to socialise/entertain somebody who would expect the old Drumpots jokes etc.

What I find is that going out is a completely different experience for me now. I actually have way more meaningful, engaging conversations with people. I am finding people way more interesting and making connections with people whom I might not of done so had I continued to "play to the audience".

You said that you are struggling with the old you, well I don't feel like I am struggling with the old me at all . . If I get a jolt of excitement and revert back to the old me for awhile, I feel great, I don't mind it. It is a part of me, the problem was I was being that person when I felt down and it felt like a mask I was wearing to take the focus of how I really felt. Now if I get a blast of adrenaline and start having a laugh I go with it.

For me, I didn't hate who I was when I was making people laugh, I didn't like the fact that people couldn't see that underneath my clown clothes I was so unhappy and so alone. Now I don't feel this way , when I have the craic I am just having the craic.

In terms of allowing others to flourish, its funny you say that as at one of the weddings I was at I sort of monitored this very thing. I was at a table where there was only seven of us. There were times when I was brought into discussions/debates (usually the time I took over the "party"), but I said my piece and sat back and let others get involved. Like guerrilla warfare, I get in and get for a quick laugh out far more quickly.

I am really enjoying the process of finding a balance , its not always perfect and I don't always feel happy, but I keep regular communication (how I feel) with my wife, friends, doctor and therapist which helps get me back on track.

In terms of my peacefulness, I can definitely say I get far more moments of peace/serenity then I ever thought possible. This is not to say that I don't have days where I am going mental with worry, with things going around and around my head . . Its just it used to be incessant . .

Again, I must point out to people who are right in the thick of a tough time, I would honestly of not thought that any sort of peace was possible before I started looking at myself. I really and truly just thought that I was F**ked, that it was just in my nature to be depressed for life and nobody would ever understand or be able to help me. Right now . . Right this minute, I have to go and change the stinkiest nappy in the world . . It really is wrank . . But I can smile and think how lucky I am to have children, instead of thinking that the crap in the nappy is a metaphorical reflection of how my life has been . .

I can now appreciate the simpler things in life and that is priceless . .

Drumpot

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

Yeah Cymbalta God I really hope it goes away! I havent experienced any vertigo thankfully. The brain zaps are the worst side effect for me I think, I feel like people are looking at me when it happens and they can see my head twitch and think Im on some illegal drug!

I hated the brain zaps, but actually got used to them . . They used to freak me out completely . . Not sure if it was the Cymbalta but I used to get vertigo and nauseous . .

herisson

I've been doing well the past few months. Went back to my counsellor twice. I've been feeling good but the past few weeks it's been creeping back up and I've been feeling really down.

Just waiting for my counsellor to call me back with an appointment time.

Drumpot

grenache wrote: »

Was supposed to attend a family wedding last Saturday, had the suit cleaned and all, ready to be collected at the dry cleaners. I spent all weekend in bed, and I mean 48 continuous hours. Couldn't face people, I have a social phobia too which makes me highly uncomfortable around people. I felt like absolute death when I did rise on Monday morning for work. And i still haven't collected the suit from the dry cleaners! Not wanting to be awake seems to be top of my priority lately, even though I never sleep well and am constantly tired.

My sister is at me to attend a counsellor, but it's money I don't really have to spare. Situation feels rather hopeless at the moment. Not expecting any help as such, I don't have anyclose friends, only acquaintances who I would socialise with at weekends.

But it's good to write it down and spit it out.

If money is the problem consider:

http://www.aware.ie/life-skills-group-programme/

This is the group cognative behavioural therapy course that started my recovery . .

http://www.aware.ie/help/support/local-support-groups/

These are free group depression meetings.

If you are unable to cope with your situation yourself, you might need help. As I have posted there is help available. It might not be the exact help you want, but it may well be the help you need.

I waited for years to seek help and constantly had excuses or reasons why I shouldn't try something different. I constantly focused on the reasons why I couldn't get better, instead of taking advantage of the things that I could use to get me started. There is loads of help, online or through different free supports that can give you a helping hand. The key is for if was to take the next step and do whatever I could do to change my situation. . . I also had to try out different supports with an open mind (not thinking they were going to fail before giving them a decent chance). Perhaps you should consider trying this approach?

Sometimes others can see things in ourselves that we cannot see ourself. If your sister thinks you need some sort of councelling then you should consider the links I posted.

Incidentally, my GP reffered me onto a free councelling service through the HSE (about 2 years ago). I got 6-8 free counselling sessions. I am not sure if its still around, but worth a shot if you are visiting your GP you could ask if that service is still available/free.

playedalive

Chrisita wrote: »

I can really relate to this, that was my life. I could only get excited about something far off, and at the last minute would back out due to extreme fatigue and anxiety.

Yeah I can relate to this. I got an offer to work in France this year but I had just finished college, came out as gay and too many changes were happening for me to handle. I was afraid of rocking the boat, so I deferred it for one year. But now I've no job and despite getting many interviews I keep being told I've little experience despite my enthusiasm and things I've demonstrated at interview.

Not looking forward to the weekend. I'm trying to keep my head occupied but it's tough.

DeVore

Pixie-Fairy wrote: »

I've been doing well the past few months. Went back to my counsellor twice. I've been feeling good but the past few weeks it's been creeping back up and I've been feeling really down.

Just waiting for my counsellor to call me back with an appointment time.

Its rarely if ever a straight flight upwards! There are going to be dips and troughs but the thing to remember is that the AVERAGE is going north . I had the same thing. Did great for a long while then hit a weird, completely unexplainable rough patch for a weekend and thought "oh, all the progress is gone, I'm back to this sh*t" but thats not true! The depression doesnt WANT you to be happy and content. It wants your to go back to being miserable.
Did you ever have to work with someone who you knew didnt want to take the route everyone agreed you should go.... the very first time there is a problem they are all "ahh, this isnt going to work, lets give up". Depression is like that. It doesnt want you to struggle to become content and happy because then you'll be free of it. Its like an abusive spouse

Ihatecuddles-old

Went to the mental health service today and feel much better! Hopefully starting therapy soon!

grenache

Drumpot & murria,

Thanks for the advice and links. I suppose I should give them a look.

looking_around

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

Yeah Cymbalta God I really hope it goes away! I havent experienced any vertigo thankfully. The brain zaps are the worst side effect for me I think, I feel like people are looking at me when it happens and they can see my head twitch and think Im on some illegal drug!

The brain zaps are one of the oddest side effects I've ever felt.
Truly feels like your head "shakes" or something. Like in the movies, when they distort the image and double it. Feels like the head is actually doing that or something.
heh,
one of the worst things I found with cymbalta, is that, you had to take the med same time every day or side effects would hit pretty hard. (but this was at the higher dose )

Good luck to you with it though (>^.^)>
__
and apart from the side effects, its pretty darn decent for depression and anxiety.

Reiketsu

I was doing okay with my dose of Sertraline being doubled for the first few days there, but I'm feeling awful right now. Nausea, sore jaw, just generally unwell. I know things will be up and down but I'm definitely down at the moment. I feel like I need a GREAT sleep but it just isn't happening at all.

Call Me Jimmy

Words could never do justice to how bad I feel - how bad I am. Continuing on when the only thing that would really satisfy me is the end. It's not even that big a deal, I'm too weary of life even to be dramatic about it ending. It's like a hundred heartbreaks rolled into one. Never have I known such pain. And what can I do? Wherever I go I'm there, like a rash. Disgusting and pathetic.

I don't like moaning about it, I hate to write it as much as anyone would hate to read it but I'm at a loss. Absolute nightmare. I felt like throwing up when I thought about some things I hadn't allowed myself to think about. And nowhere really to go, no-one really to seek comfort in because I can't go near anyone. I wish I could scream but I can't, can't even cry. Please if there is any governing force I would like it to be over as soon as possible. If there's any mercy I can't be allowed take more of this.

Knowing that I'll never be connected with another person ever... I just want to be loved but I seem to be too old now for anything like that. More days of the prison sentence still to be served... I can't even trick myself anymore it's all ****ing real!

delthedriver

Reiketsu wrote: »

I was doing okay with my dose of Sertraline being doubled for the first few days there, but I'm feeling awful right now. Nausea, sore jaw, just generally unwell. I know things will be up and down but I'm definitely down at the moment. I feel like I need a GREAT sleep but it just isn't happening at all.

What is causing the sore jaw? Bruxism, or grinding teeth can be relieved by using a sports gum shield.:)

delthedriver

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Words could never do justice to how bad I feel - how bad I am. Continuing on when the only thing that would really satisfy me is the end. It's not even that big a deal, I'm too weary of life even to be dramatic about it ending. It's like a hundred heartbreaks rolled into one. Never have I known such pain. And what can I do? Wherever I go I'm there, like a rash. Disgusting and pathetic.

I don't like moaning about it, I hate to write it as much as anyone would hate to read it but I'm at a loss. Absolute nightmare. I felt like throwing up when I thought about some things I hadn't allowed myself to think about. And nowhere really to go, no-one really to seek comfort in because I can't go near anyone. I wish I could scream but I can't, can't even cry. Please if there is any governing force I would like it to be over as soon as possible. If there's any mercy I can't be allowed take more of this.

Knowing that I'll never be connected with another person ever... I just want to be loved but I seem to be too old now for anything like that. More days of the prison sentence still to be served... I can't even trick myself anymore it's all ****ing real!

CMJ,

Come on Jimmy, you are simply in a low at the moment. The word hope is not included in your text. You are not a quitter and I feel your pain .

By the way no one is too old to love or be loved!

Soldier take a rest , get your energy back and ready yourself . Comrade Jimmy ,I hope to have you back soon fighting alongside in the frontline in this War on Depression .

Meanwhile take it easy and and be kind to yourself:)

murria

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Words could never do justice to how bad I feel - how bad I am. Continuing on when the only thing that would really satisfy me is the end. It's not even that big a deal, I'm too weary of life even to be dramatic about it ending. It's like a hundred heartbreaks rolled into one. Never have I known such pain. And what can I do? Wherever I go I'm there, like a rash. Disgusting and pathetic.

I don't like moaning about it, I hate to write it as much as anyone would hate to read it but I'm at a loss. Absolute nightmare. I felt like throwing up when I thought about some things I hadn't allowed myself to think about. And nowhere really to go, no-one really to seek comfort in because I can't go near anyone. I wish I could scream but I can't, can't even cry. Please if there is any governing force I would like it to be over as soon as possible. If there's any mercy I can't be allowed take more of this.

Knowing that I'll never be connected with another person ever... I just want to be loved but I seem to be too old now for anything like that. More days of the prison sentence still to be served... I can't even trick myself anymore it's all ****ing real!

Oh sweetheart, so sad that you are feeling this way today, but you are right to post it, you have been so positive lately and it's natural to have bad days.

You have been doing a lot of great work on yourself, but it's a lot for one person to cope with. Now might be a good time to look for some extra help. I totally get that you are finding it hard to get out and connect with others, but lots of therapists work over Skype these days and Aware do an online programme that might be useful. Jimmy, I would really encourage you to explore another way to complement the work you are already doing.

One other thing, a good cry would probably do you a world of good. You often mention your mam, if she is around why not just go to her now and tell her you need a hug. I'm sure she will be happy to oblige.

Sending you a big healing hug. xxx

So stressed out and down at the moment...working and doing a course with a heavy workload which I'm really struggling with. Tried to talk to one of my tutors and pretty much got the 'what do you have to be depressed about?' attitude - ended up going away feeling even worse. I'm really on the edge at the moment and she made me feel like I was just a moan. Really, really struggling with money (to afford the course), can't put the heating on, eating only veggie food, might well be made redundant in the next month or two due to cuts, heath is really poor...I feel like people look at me and think everything is going great for me and I'm just a negative moany hole when really it's not going well at all. Other people on the course are crying all the time and getting loads of support...because I don't cry and freak out all the time, I'm expected to get through it on my own. Not sure I even can tbh.

lukesmom

Can feel the rotten anxiety rearing it's ugly head the past few days. Go away I hate you

delthedriver

Luciano Raspy Checkbook wrote: »

So stressed out and down at the moment...working and doing a course with a heavy workload which I'm really struggling with. Tried to talk to one of my tutors and pretty much got the 'what do you have to be depressed about?' attitude - ended up going away feeling even worse. I'm really on the edge at the moment and she made me feel like I was just a moan. Really, really struggling with money (to afford the course), can't put the heating on, eating only veggie food, might well be made redundant in the next month or two due to cuts, heath is really poor...I feel like people look at me and think everything is going great for me and I'm just a negative moany hole when really it's not going well at all. Other people on the course are crying all the time and getting loads of support...because I don't cry and freak out all the time, I'm expected to get through it on my own. Not sure I even can tbh.

You are the most important person in your world.
Take a little time out, be good to yourself, make a nice cuppa, take some deep breaths. Try and get out in the fresh air, Autumn is a wonderful Season, the various colours can help lift the mood.

Sure the course is important, but more important than any course is your mental and physical health. Try and live in The Now, try not to worry too much about the future.

You have no control over whether or not you may be made redundant . Sometimes we all worry about things which never happen. Even if you are made redundant, the most important thing is you and your health

Please take very great care of yourself, because you are worth it!:)

DeVore

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Words could never do justice to how bad I feel - how bad I am. Continuing on when the only thing that would really satisfy me is the end. It's not even that big a deal, I'm too weary of life even to be dramatic about it ending. It's like a hundred heartbreaks rolled into one. Never have I known such pain. And what can I do? Wherever I go I'm there, like a rash. Disgusting and pathetic.

I don't like moaning about it, I hate to write it as much as anyone would hate to read it but I'm at a loss. Absolute nightmare. I felt like throwing up when I thought about some things I hadn't allowed myself to think about. And nowhere really to go, no-one really to seek comfort in because I can't go near anyone. I wish I could scream but I can't, can't even cry. Please if there is any governing force I would like it to be over as soon as possible. If there's any mercy I can't be allowed take more of this.

Knowing that I'll never be connected with another person ever... I just want to be loved but I seem to be too old now for anything like that. More days of the prison sentence still to be served... I can't even trick myself anymore it's all ****ing real!

You thanked a post of mine only a few days ago about this sort of "dip". You've been on an upward trajectory for the last while, this is going to feel like a nose dive but its just a bit of stomach-churning turbulence. Your honesty and struggle inspire a lot of people on this thread, myself included. We're here for you now in return!

lukesmom

So my anxieties at the moment are:

Getting as sick as I was during spring/summer

And

My psych reducing my meds in the future and how will I cope? Also that I'll be on all meds forever and never able to come off them

And

That I'm bruised forever from that awful last episode of anxiety/depression and I'm not 'me' anymore

And

I'm not good enough or strong enough

And

The psych gave me xanax for when I have dips like this and get anxiety but I'm afraid to take one? Why am I afraid to take a mild 0.25 xanax? I've taken them for years when I'd get anxious maybe once a month. I just keeping saying to myself I'll wait till tomorrow then see how I am and take it.

My stupid brain

I can be in good form for weeks and then bang back down to Earth

delthedriver

lukesmom wrote: »

So my anxieties at the moment are:

Getting as sick as I was during spring/summer

And

My psych reducing my meds in the future and how will I cope? Also that I'll be on all meds forever and never able to come off them

And

That I'm bruised forever from that awful last episode of anxiety/depression and I'm not 'me' anymore

And

I'm not good enough or strong enough

And

The psych gave me xanax for when I have dips like this and get anxiety but I'm afraid to take one? Why am I afraid to take a mild 0.25 xanax? I've taken them for years when I'd get anxious maybe once a month. I just keeping saying to myself I'll wait till tomorrow then see how I am and take it.

My stupid brain

I can be in good form for weeks and then bang back down to Earth

You need to be kind to yourself and live one day at a time.

The past is gone, we cannot predict the future. Live in the Now!

If your doctor has recommended Xanax, don't be afraid to take one, especially as it can help you along the road.

Your brain is not stupid, don't be so hard on yourself. Perhaps your brain is tired at the moment, but never stupid. Do not run yourself down, you are an intelligent human being who like the rest of us on this thread is going through rough patches.

Please take very good care of yourself. You are worth it!:)

Big Hug!

Del:)

Lollipops23

Anxiety levels have rocketed today, having been kept at bay (to an extent) for the last few weeks. It feels like one step forward, two steps back most of the time.

I'm going to the doc next week, but I'm really reluctant to go down the route of meds at all. Tried therapy for a few months, but it just didn't help me much.

I'm supposed to be going away for a year next June, how the hell am I supposed to manage that when getting dressed and eating feels like climbing Mt Everest some days?:(

looking_around

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Anxiety levels have rocketed today, having been kept at bay (to an extent) for the last few weeks. It feels like one step forward, two steps back most of the time.

I'm going to the doc next week, but I'm really reluctant to go down the route of meds at all. Tried therapy for a few months, but it just didn't help me much.

I'm supposed to be going away for a year next June, how the hell am I supposed to manage that when getting dressed and eating feels like climbing Mt Everest some days?:(

There are MANY types of therapy. I suggest you look into CBT.

Talk therapy took me about 2 years for things to start improving. And inbetween, it felt like it was making things worse. (However that was more because I was unearthing things I had blocked and avoided. OnceI started dealing with those things, life & coping started to improve.)

Reiketsu

delthedriver wrote: »

What is causing the sore jaw? Bruxism, or grinding teeth can be relieved by using a sports gum shield.:)

Yeah, I'm clenching a little but when I yawn its even worse, my jaw gets really tight.

After not sleeping well for months, I went to bed last night and slept for 14 hours

Lollipops23

looking_around wrote: »

There are MANY types of therapy. I suggest you look into CBT.

I had wondered about that actually. Another thing holding me back is the cost- being broke just adds to me being anxious all the time. It's a vicious bloody circle.

delthedriver

Reiketsu wrote: »

Yeah, I'm clenching a little but when I yawn its even worse, my jaw gets really tight.

After not sleeping well for months, I went to bed last night and slept for 14 hours

Sports gum shield should ease the problem, cost €10 approx. Should ease the tightness in the jaw and avoid doing any damage to your teeth:)

lukesmom

delthedriver wrote: »

You need to be kind to yourself and live one day at a time.

The past is gone, we cannot predict the future. Live in the Now!

If your doctor has recommended Xanax, don't be afraid to take one, especially as it can help you along the road.

Your brain is not stupid, don't be so hard on yourself. Perhaps your brain is tired at the moment, but never stupid. Do not run yourself down, you are an intelligent human being who like the rest of us on this thread is going through rough patches.

Please take very good care of yourself. You are worth it!:)

Big Hug!

Del:)

Thanks I am going to read over your reply a few times I really appreciate it

looking_around

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I had wondered about that actually. Another thing holding me back is the cost- being broke just adds to me being anxious all the time. It's a vicious bloody circle.

Talk to your doc, and get signed up for either the local free HSE service (6-12 month waiting list though)
Or the other services that are a "pay what you can afford". Normally about 4-6 months waiting list for these. Though quicker if they feel you really need/will take proper advantage of it.

Mental health money/services is one of the few things, the government hasn't cut back on. And are actually improving in many areas. Local has gotten the new "pay what yo can group", and family town have gotten 2 psychologists! (where as previous it was one would come to town once a week >.<' )