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LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!
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Call Me Jimmy wrote: »Words could never do justice to how bad I feel - how bad I am. Continuing on when the only thing that would really satisfy me is the end. It's not even that big a deal, I'm too weary of life even to be dramatic about it ending. It's like a hundred heartbreaks rolled into one. Never have I known such pain. And what can I do? Wherever I go I'm there, like a rash. Disgusting and pathetic.
I don't like moaning about it, I hate to write it as much as anyone would hate to read it but I'm at a loss. Absolute nightmare. I felt like throwing up when I thought about some things I hadn't allowed myself to think about. And nowhere really to go, no-one really to seek comfort in because I can't go near anyone. I wish I could scream but I can't, can't even cry. Please if there is any governing force I would like it to be over as soon as possible. If there's any mercy I can't be allowed take more of this.
Knowing that I'll never be connected with another person ever... I just want to be loved but I seem to be too old now for anything like that. More days of the prison sentence still to be served...
I can't even trick myself anymore it's all ****ing real!
Thank you for posting this, I really mean it. . I am sorry that you are where you are but your words remind me of where I used to be and really remind me to appreciate the progress I have made . .
Your final paragraph about connection really hit a nerve with me . . To a degree I am still working on that. I feel closer to certain friends, to certain family, but I still haven't a consistent connection that I strive to get . .
I have been warned by my therapist time and time again (seeing him tomorrow ) that at the start there will be savage ups and downs. I think the downs can sometimes feel worse then ever because I have had a taste of what life can be like and it feels like I am falling further . .
I don't like giving advice to people because what works for me doesn't necessarily work for others, but please persevere. I cant speak for you, but I know now that much of my struggles was how I perceived life and the world around me. I was and am still hypersensitive to my surroundings and as such I can go from ecstasy to agony in a matter of seconds for no clear reason. Understanding why I feel the way I do and understanding that this moment will pass helps, but doesn't necessarily make me feel any better when I am in the thick of it . .
I watched a programme recently about people who use the golden gate bridge to commit suicide. I found it really interesting, particularly the part about how people who are so in despair would take so much time planning their suicide. You can actually see some of the people pacing up and down the bridge for hours, just before they jump. One guy survived (and his views have been documented before from similar survivors). .
He had been depressed for years and just wanted to end it all. He said, as soon as his hands let go of the beam of the bridge he regretted his decision. took him 5 seconds to fall but he said it felt like an eternity. During that time he said he had never wanted to live so much in all his life. .
Each person can take what they want from that, but for me it makes me believe that I can change my thought process. I can change my way of perceiving the world. . I can change how I react to situations. I can get well . I just need to put an awful lot of work into therapy and working on changing the things I learned growing up that have caused me so much stress. . . I believe that this story shows that even in the depths of despair, a person who is in the act of committing suicide can literally snap themselves out of it .
I don't believe a person has to jump off a bridge to figure this out . . I want to learn from this survivors story . . There is hope for you, there is hope for us all. Hope you are well . .0 -
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Join Date:Posts: 29920
Heya!
There is a thing on in Trinity for the discussion of mental health and well being between ex-students and current students. Its called Speak Your Mind and they approached me to talk at it!
There's a couple of interesting people going to speak (Brent Pope, the rugby commentator for instance!).
Anyway, it seems like it will be busy, but would be cool is some of you were around for it!
https://www.facebook.com/events/703857039641628/?ref=ts&fref=ts0 -
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Heya!
There is a thing on in Trinity for the discussion of mental health and well being between ex-students and current students. Its called Speak Your Mind and they approached me to talk at it!
There's a couple of interesting people going to speak (Brent Pope, the rugby commentator for instance!).
Anyway, it seems like it will be busy, but would be cool is some of you were around for it!
https://www.facebook.com/events/703857039641628/?ref=ts&fref=ts
Do you have to be a student to goto it? went to the facebook site and ticked "join" but I don't have a clue if that means I'm booked in or not . .0 -
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I'm in a really crappy place right now. Spent the past week showing a friend around Ireland, and that was pretty much the last thing I had to look forward to for the foreseeable future. Right now I'm stuck at home, waiting on a reply from my university in the UK on whether I can repeat my Masters dissertation without having to pay to re-register - if I can't then I don't see how I could possibly afford and would have to end up taking a diploma. I can't even sign on temporarily 'cause my local social welfare office keep inventing reasons to delay putting my application through, asking for ridiculous forms that I'd never been asked for before!
The prospect of ever having to get a proper full time job absolutely terrifies me. I've discussed on boards before on how depression really hit me when I was in the middle of my undergrad studies - that, coupled with the fact that I never enjoyed my course, made me completely lose motivation and I only ended up with a 2.2. As a result, a million doors are automatically shut in my face, because it's so easy for lazy HR people comfortable in their jobs to automatically assume I'm either lazy or an idiot and not even give me a chance.
They won't give a fúck that I got the highest Junior and Leaving Cert results in my school.
They won't care that I got 570 points in my LC and subsequently got awarded a government scholarship.
They won't care that, before depression decided to bite me in the ass again, I had almost a 78% average in my Masters, including the highest mark in my class in one module and second highest in another.
No, none of that matters - "we require a 2.1 minimum because I couldn't be arsed sifting through applications and giving people who may have had difficulties in university a chance to prove themselves" :mad: Recession or no recession, it seems like the whole world of employment is full of corporate bullshít, bureaucracy, nepotism and self-interest. What chance do I ever have of proving myself if I have to compete with all that on top of every personal problem I have right now?
On top of all this, my medication is driving me insane. My dreams have turned into soap operas - I can remember every single detail when I wake up and it feels like I got no sleep at all. The next few months seem to have nothing in store for me other than being bored at home, depressed, getting fat because there's nothing else to do other than comfort eat.....oh sure, I could try turning things around by exercising, eating healthily, keep myself busy by taking up new hobbies, reading more, etc.....if I had even the lightest reason to be optimistic about the future I'd love to try all that. But what's the point in even trying when you're just gonna get knocked down again>
I know I'm being self-indulgent and woe is me right now but sometimes a huge "FÚCK YOU TO EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE" is needed. 0 -
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Join Date:Posts: 29920
Homer, you say "But what's the point in even trying when you're just gonna get knocked down again".... Thats the depression talking.
And right now you are probably thinking "you dont know, thats reality!". I used to do that to myself a lot too. I called it swimming in treacle, because if you try to swim in treacle the more you try and the harder you swim, the more it resists you. If you just stop swimming, it resists less.
But then you sink.
I always thought I should tattoo myself when I was feeling good so that I would look in the mirror and know that things would get better ...
This negativity, its a lie and it wants you to suffocate in it.
Look at it this way (and this is how I would look at someone with your results).... you might take a few knock backs on the way but there is NO WAY that someone like you is ever gonna be kept down for long. You're just too smart and too capable. Really, you cant fail unless you quit.
We're all here for you, vent all you like. Give the fingers to the universe, sometimes it deserves them. But dont buy that line of bullsh*t from your depression, cos its a mofo liar. 0 -
Heya!
There is a thing on in Trinity for the discussion of mental health and well being between ex-students and current students. Its called Speak Your Mind and they approached me to talk at it!
There's a couple of interesting people going to speak (Brent Pope, the rugby commentator for instance!).
Anyway, it seems like it will be busy, but would be cool is some of you were around for it!
https://www.facebook.com/events/703857039641628/?ref=ts&fref=ts
Would love to attend , however can't make it. Would be delighted to hear feedback from event.0 -
Its rarely if ever a straight flight upwards! There are going to be dips and troughs but the thing to remember is that the AVERAGE is going north. I had the same thing. Did great for a long while then hit a weird, completely unexplainable rough patch for a weekend and thought "oh, all the progress is gone, I'm back to this sh*t" but thats not true! The depression doesnt WANT you to be happy and content. It wants your to go back to being miserable.
Did you ever have to work with someone who you knew didnt want to take the route everyone agreed you should go.... the very first time there is a problem they are all "ahh, this isnt going to work, lets give up". Depression is like that. It doesnt want you to struggle to become content and happy because then you'll be free of it. Its like an abusive spouse
The abusive spouse line rings a bell with me. The spouse who seems so caring, recognises you are lonely and isolated, wants you to go out more, yet when you do those things, you are doing too much, you're getting too outgoing, meeting and seeing too many new people. Meanwhile, they are doing all those things, they don't want you to get the freedom that you have no problem giving them.Mad Men's Don Draper : What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons.
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Homer, you say "But what's the point in even trying when you're just gonna get knocked down again".... Thats the depression talking.
And right now you are probably thinking "you dont know, thats reality!". I used to do that to myself a lot too. I called it swimming in treacle, because if you try to swim in treacle the more you try and the harder you swim, the more it resists you. If you just stop swimming, it resists less.
But then you sink.
I always thought I should tattoo myself when I was feeling good so that I would look in the mirror and know that things would get better ...
This negativity, its a lie and it wants you to suffocate in it.
Look at it this way (and this is how I would look at someone with your results).... you might take a few knock backs on the way but there is NO WAY that someone like you is ever gonna be kept down for long. You're just too smart and too capable. Really, you cant fail unless you quit.
We're all here for you, vent all you like. Give the fingers to the universe, sometimes it deserves them. But dont buy that line of bullsh*t from your depression, cos its a mofo liar.
Thanks DeV. I appreciate what you're trying to say but it's just really difficult to comprehend right now. Like there are people out there with first class degrees and PhDs or tons of experience that are struggling to find work - what chance does someone like me have, especially since I don't even have the ability to fake confidence or sell myself in an interview situation? I can't even imagine applying for a really basic low-wage job because not only would it be a shame to do something like that after spending time in education but because I probably wouldn't even be any good at any of those jobs - they usually require people skills that I just don't have.
If I had any idea what kind of job I actually wanted I might have some hope. But right now all I can see is applying for hundreds of jobs I don't even want, then getting hundreds of rejections and feeling so completely useless. Choosing that university course was probably the second biggest mistake I ever made, not dropping out was the biggest. Now there's no way to possibly rewind and change things, so I'm stuck with a useless degree (in the eyes of useless HR people anyway, the kind of people who deem me not good enough to do a job that they themselves couldn't do in a million years :rolleyes:) and no realistic chance of doing a different one without having the financial resources to do it....which I won't get unless I get a job....which I can't find because of aforementioned useless degree. And hence the vicious circle is complete.
I'd love to have some shred of optimism here but I really don't see any positives right now. How the hell am I supposed to convince someone to give me a job (that I'm not probably qualified for and probably don't even want) when my self-belief is practically zero?
I'm gonna be 24 in less than two months. Growing up is scary and I am definitely not ready for it.0 -
I met one of my best friends through Boards. She was moving to Dublin,from Canada, for 4 months to study.
We started chatting and clicked straight away. Was a killer when she went back to Canada but I've been over to see her and will be going back over soon.
She is the person who I can talk to about my depression, she gets me and helps me through it. Never would have met her without Boards, it's insane how some things work!
:D 0 -
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Deleted User wrote: »Thanks DeV. I appreciate what you're trying to say but it's just really difficult to comprehend right now. Like there are people out there with first class degrees and PhDs or tons of experience that are struggling to find work - what chance does someone like me have, especially since I don't even have the ability to fake confidence or sell myself in an interview situation? I can't even imagine applying for a really basic low-wage job because not only would it be a shame to do something like that after spending time in education but because I probably wouldn't even be any good at any of those jobs - they usually require people skills that I just don't have.
If I had any idea what kind of job I actually wanted I might have some hope. But right now all I can see is applying for hundreds of jobs I don't even want, then getting hundreds of rejections and feeling so completely useless. Choosing that university course was probably the second biggest mistake I ever made, not dropping out was the biggest. Now there's no way to possibly rewind and change things, so I'm stuck with a useless degree (in the eyes of useless HR people anyway, the kind of people who deem me not good enough to do a job that they themselves couldn't do in a million years :rolleyes:) and no realistic chance of doing a different one without having the financial resources to do it....which I won't get unless I get a job....which I can't find because of aforementioned useless degree. And hence the vicious circle is complete.
I'd love to have some shred of optimism here but I really don't see any positives right now. How the hell am I supposed to convince someone to give me a job (that I'm not probably qualified for and probably don't even want) when my self-belief is practically zero?
I'm gonna be 24 in less than two months. Growing up is scary and I am definitely not ready for it.
I know this will seem far fetched to you but you HAVE a degree. That's massive. Hundreds of people would kill to have one! Once you get your foot in the door somewhere (and believe me you will) in two or three years down the road the quality of your degree won't matter! It'll be your job experience. Did you ever ask Dev how great his maths degree was?
Try to stay positive, your self worth isn't based on whether your employed or not.
Remember the unemployment rate is still below 20% that means 4 out of every 5 people have jobs. The odds, though it may not feel like it, are still in your favour. It's just that every 1 in 10 doesn't have jobs and that 1/10 is what everybody hears about. People have to be rejected and some will be very very unlucky. The key thing is though unless you try and KEEP trying you're never going to be selected. And that's just Ireland there's a whole world out there for you and some places are screaming out for graduates.
I know, I probably sound looney to you but you cannot let that depression fog downplay your own abilities. Yes, I don't know you but I can read your posts. And I do know you have a degree in college. I mean, for flip sake you actually managed to squeeze a degree out of college while tackling a monster. That's one hell of an achievement and one you should be proud of! Hopefully some day you will too.
Get academic references. Have cover letters for everything you apply for and get a career advisor from your college to help you write them. Mentioning the personal struggles you faced and yet still managed to get a 2.2! That's what the majority of people with degrees get by the way and employers know that. Do a survey of workspaces not everyone is there with firsts and fancy phds.0 -
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Join Date:Posts: 29920
I know this will seem far fetched to you but you HAVE a degree. That's massive. Hundreds of people would kill to have one! Once you get your foot in the door somewhere (and believe me you will) in two or three years down the road the quality of your degree won't matter! It'll be your job experience. Did you ever ask Dev how great his maths degree was?
I have a third in my degree, and its a pass degree because I had to sue Trinity College on the grounds of victimisation by one lecturer who hated me and failed me in both the mandatory classes of his that I had to take in 3rd year. My results were "First, First, Two.One, F3, F3". When I asked to see my scripts I was told both were lost. I sued and was awarded a Pass level degree on the grounds that I would not attempt to continue my studies in TCD.
I had set my heart on being a post grad, researching Neural Networks and even had interest from Hitachi in my 3rd year project.
But life... finds a way of moving on. I always say "Life is the thing that happens between all the bits you plan".
If the dickwad hadnt picked on me, I'd be a different person right now and Boards never happens. I dont get to be a professional poker player for two years, or cycle to Turkey, or do SSF or anything.
A while ago I learned to take my hands of the fake steering wheel of life... Stop putting yourself down, take a break from the massive life-planning exercise and try, just for today, to live in the now, enjoy the moment and be alive. At 24 you have all of that adventure ahead and I envy you soooo much.
Oh, and everyone , and I mean EVERYONE, is scared of growing up and thinks they are doing it wrong. Its the big secret no one says. 0 -
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