LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

IvySlayer

TeddyTedson wrote: »

Thanks
I honestly feel a little better now!


Strange that you mention the OCD thing. I have no idea if I do or not but people have commented on that before to me.
It's so hard to judge things about yourself I find.

Why not consider giving counselling a whack? It can really help to talk.

TeddyTedson

IvySlayer wrote: »

Why not consider giving counselling a whack? It can really help to talk.

I wouldn't be able to talk in person about anything emotional. It's like a mental hurdle that I'll never be able to get over
This is the closest I can get to being real about it.

Call Me Jimmy

This is what I have in mind when I think about what the bad **** might help me get to. The significance with which ye'd look at the world if this song was constantly playing in your head all the time. Without it being self centred or disingenuous. The goal for me is to feel this awe all the time. They say you can put reverential music to any imagery and it makes things significant but that's only really possible because the significance is already there to begin with.

EDIT: fullscreen that biatch!

IvySlayer

TeddyTedson wrote: »

I wouldn't be able to talk in person about anything emotional. It's like a mental hurdle that I'll never be able to get over
This is the closest I can get to being real about it.

The amount of people who have said this to me and I've managed to talk them round :P

I'm no counsellor though, honestly what's the harm in trying?

IvySlayer

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

This is what I have in mind when I think about what the bad **** might help me get to. The significance with which ye'd look at the world if this song was constantly playing in your head all the time. Without it being self centred or disingenuous. The goal for me is to feel this awe all the time. They say you can put reverential music to any imagery and it makes things significant but that's only really possible because the significance is already there to begin with.

EDIT: fullscreen that biatch!

Ehhhm

This song makes you instantly happy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yBnIUX0QAE

TeddyTedson

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

This is what I have in mind when I think about what the bad **** might help me get to. The significance with which ye'd look at the world if this song was constantly playing in your head all the time. Without it being self centred or disingenuous. The goal for me is to feel this awe all the time. They say you can put reverential music to any imagery and it makes things significant but that's only really possible because the significance is already there to begin with.

EDIT: fullscreen that biatch!

That video is incredible!
I'm just glad people actually believe me. I always imagine if I told people about the crazy thoughts I have people would never believe it.

Galtee_Gammon

New to boards.

A lot has probably been discussed already. But I think its brilliant that people are now talking about depression, even if its just on boards like this.

My story isn't as hectic as a lot of other peoples stories of depression but its my story nonetheless. If it helps people out then great. Job done.

I suffered from depression badly from about the age of 10-18 and again in my early twenties. There were a few reasons for it. I suppose it was out of my control, bullying was the main factor in primary school. It went on continuously for years. I was an easy target for a lot people in school, not the biggest lad, took a lot of stick at a young age for it. It was a daily occurrence. I used to pray every night and most mornings that "i'd be left alone". Names at a young age could cut to the core. The names soon turned into physical bullying. An example of how bad it got was when I was about 11, I was hanging out with 2 of my mates in the town I'm from. I was a big United fan at that age, and my auld lad had got me a united cap the day before. The main culprit got wind that I was in the town. I was on my bike on the way home when this lad and his scummer cousin caught up with me. Grabbed me by the neck, stole my cap. I got a thump in the head from the cousin. I cycled off in tears, absolutely terrified, I remember it clear as day (I'm 29 now btw). I got to about 5 minutes from my house. When I hear the two lads behind me again, screaming obscenities at me. I'll never forget the look in his eyes. Like a rabid dog gunning for me to rip me apart. Next thing i know I'm on the tarmac and off my bike. Several thumps later I'm seeing stars and crying asking them to leave me be. "Don't tell your f'ing father" That moment stayed with me for years. It was the hatred in his eyes that started a chain reaction in me. "How could anyone hate me this much" "What have I done?" "what the fc*k is wrong with me??? "Am I the problem?" I couldnt breath, not from the thumps but from the horrible feeling inside. It's hard to explain if you've never been through it before. It's like someone is squeezing your insides.

I had genuine suicidal thoughts at the age of 11. I remember cycling my bike on a long stretch of road near my house, crying and crying and crying. Tears rolling down my face as I thought to myself "Would anyone miss me?" "I'd be making my parents life a lot easier" I knew it was taking a toll on my mother. I hated myself more than anyone for bringing all this crap on them. I remember standing over a ditch of water and just throwing myself into it.

There were numerous more incidents of bullying that happened after that, but the above incident stayed with me and is still with me to this day. I was then targeted by his 'buddies', all ready to have a pop at me. It got to a stage where I didnt want to leave the house, afraid of who was looking at me. I even started to think some members of my family didnt like me. Paranoid at the age of 12? WTF??? I played for the local GAA team, and was a pretty good goalkeeper in both hurling and football despite my height. It was kind of a way of telling people I have a bit about me. A nippy keeper. I remember one game, I'd say it was an under-14 game, I was getting abuse from the same fellas from behind the goals. Getting mud thrown at me. Nobody stopped them, I felt so alone in those goals. On the verge of tears and screaming for help. I saved 2 penalties in a row in the space of 10 minutes. Thinking the abuse would stop, it got worse. Another day I was at my mates house kicking a ball around the garden. The same lad passed by on his bike, saw me, hopped off his bike, hopped over the wall, and dragged me around the garden kicking me, nobody helped. It went on for about 5 minutes (which is a long bloody time).

I feel like I'm rambling now but It's just to get the point across.

The bullying eased off once I went to secondary school. I was playing GAA for the school, had plenty of mates (as i did in primary school too), girls started to come into the picture too, and I was a popular lad with them at that age. Happy days I said to myself. Life was good. Then as I started hitting puberty etc my emotions started to take over. I couldn't shake my primary school years. I couldn't shake all that had happened before. Would people see through me for what I really am? I felt it was inevitable before someone would start making my life hell again. I was by no means an unpopular teen, thats the thing. I could be quiet sometimes, often moody, but generally a good laugh to be around. The paranoia began to grow as I approached the age of 15 or 16. There were times where I would be in my room or on my own somewhere and just burst into tears. My mother would always know when i was low. She could see right through me for a long time.

I was approaching the age of 18, a lot of stuff was going on in my life. But the 2 years before that Had been ok. I thought I was after turning the corner and enjoying life again. And for a while i was. I was playing soccer at a good level and loving it. I was also preparing to get a portfolio together for art college, I loved design and wanted to get into it from the age of about 14, obsessed with drawing logos and soccer kits. I found a passion and went for it with the backing of my family. Self doubt started to creep in though and soon those old feelings reared their head again. I started drinking at the age of 17 or 18, i didnt have a problem with the booze, but I recall how it had 2 polar ways it made me feel. One night I would be the best craic around. The next night I would feel like I wanted to die. My mates would say on some nights out... "What the f is wrong with you you moody pr**k?" "you're all over the place lad" "You're bringing me down" They had no idea.

There was one night that 'it' came out of nowhere. I was at the local pub, and had 2 pints with some mates. I walked home late that night, and knew my parents were away in spain for 2 weeks. The old feeling consumed me and I could not stop crying. I was a mess and felt sick I was crying so much. There's a bridge near my home-house, and I remember it now, looking at the ledge, then getting up on the ledge, crying and looking down at the water. I was stood there for about 15-20 minutes, thinking about my life, saying to myself, "This it it" "I cant do it anymore" "I'm so unhappy and I cant handle it". I genuinely thought I was going to end it there and then. I remember reading Conor Cusacks piece last week and recalling the part where he says... "I felt a calm, and a peace that I never felt before" Thats exactly how I felt. But Somehow I got off the bridge. I dunno what it was but i knew that I couldnt do it to my family who had done so much for me, had supported every decision I ever made. That was the catalyst for me to get my life together.

I finished my leaving cert, and had average results but i was happy enough with it. I got into Art College and found something that I loved to do. It turned out that I had a real talent for it. I loved every minute of my 5 years in college. The parties, the different types of people, the scene, everything about it, I consumed myself in it. It gave me a focus and a drive and i think in the long had a part to play in fighting the depression that plagued me in my teens. There were times when it creeped back in during that time, break-ups and the usual ups and downs would trigger a few moments but I learned to speak to people in college. I had a good circle of friends who made life easy for me. It's much tougher to open up to lads in "the GAA" circle. Similarly to the Cavan goalies story there would be times when i would feel alone and on the border of tears. No lad in the GAA would understand.

A couple of years ago I made the move down down under. I needed a change and an opportunity to see another part of the world. I got work in my chosen profession and made a good start to a life here. I'm sponsored, have a beautiful girlfriend and a brilliant circle of friends here. Living the dream I suppose you could say. There have been some ups and downs in my 3 years here, but its been more positive than negative. I had one lapse the past january. My grandfather who i would have been very close to passed away while I was at home visiting after a 2 year hiatus. It was blow to the family and something that really hit me once i had to leave to come back here. The feeling of guilt and sadness was like nothing i had experienced before. I was genuinely worried that I would slip back into my old ways after that. My girlfriend was brilliant for those couple of weeks once i got back here.

I went on a lads weekend at the end of Jan, up the coast to try and take my mind off things. All was good the first night, we were throwing back the drinks and having the craic as you do. I was sitting on the couch and one of the lads singled me out and says "whats wrong with you? you're very quiet" I was grand actually and just watching something that flashed up on the tv. Then a few of the other lads started at it. I felt something go in my head, and snapped. I never ever thought I would have a panic attack, but I'm pretty sure thats what happened. It was a pretty lonely moment. I think only one of them realised what was happening. That was my last real moment in my life.

I think I have it under control. When I'm low I'll talk to someone about it, i'll talk to my girlfriend about it.

I just think that people need to talk, let it out. Conor Cusack and Seamus O'Donnell are making all the right noises. Its in the media now and thats a good thing.

I went on a bit of rant there, but i genuinely found it good for the head. To get it all out there.

Hopefully someone will relate to my story and see that there are ways out of it. Its not a dead end.

Thanks for reading.

Galtee_Gammon

DeVore

TeddyTedson wrote: »

I wouldn't be able to talk in person about anything emotional. It's like a mental hurdle that I'll never be able to get over
This is the closest I can get to being real about it.

This is one step over that hurdle. Trust me , its actually not as hard as you are telling yourself. Its just a bit scary.

On the other hand you say you would give anything to get past these feelings and get some "levelness" to your life... Well, I hate to say it but... thats what it took for me (and I'm very similar to yourself).

Next time you are really truely sick to the back teeth of how you are feeling, pick up the phone and make an appointment with a counselor. For me it was a great relief to feel like I was taking steps to fight back. In the end I grew to enjoy it and it opened my eyes to some things that really worked for me.

glass_onion

For those having sleep issues.I was given an hand out before called "sleep hygiene". If you search "sleep hygiene pdf" you will find the guide.It gives practical tips in how to get a nights sleep.Hope it will help.

Q_Ball

This has worked for me in the past when I haven't been able to sleep and I highly recommend it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shavasana

There's a couple of youtube videos too. I do it lying in bed, I find it clears the head really well and I'm asleep before I know it. Especially useful for when things get on top of me and I need to give my head space.

P.S. Yeah, I know, "corpse" pose....

P.P.S Hey everyone!

K-9

PTH2009 wrote: »

as a suffer of depression this xmas season is going to be tough. for the past 2 xmas seasons i was in a relationship so i was looking forward to buying her gifts, generally looking forward to xmas, i was going to xmas nights out and all that but as of 2013 xmas i am out of a relationship, on medication and have no xmas nights to look forward too.

Being single at xmas is like being caught between a rock and a hard place.

I am most likely will be stuck browsing boards and the net for new years eve instead of being out enjoying myself.

Sometimes i feel like ending it all but i think about how death could be such an erie place and how scary the darkness must be.

god i wish i could enjoy this xmas season please if there is a god he will guide me through this

Used to love Xmas myself, the whole kids thing and buying gifts for my partner at the time. No more santa and just haven't had that connection with girlfriends since.

Xmas the last few years always seems a bad time, Dad passed away a few years ago so it was on everybodys mind, first year or two that he was near his end, and the last couple of years, just remembering him. 4 years ago Dad was in a nursing home and Mam was in hospital.

This year looks like it will be the last with Mum alive.

I think this Xmas will be time to reflect a lot, just take stock, and look back on what depression has took away from my life. My 30's has been a wasteland in so many ways because of it, a decade of my life that I missed out on so much.

K-9

TeddyTedson wrote: »

I wouldn't be able to talk in person about anything emotional. It's like a mental hurdle that I'll never be able to get over
This is the closest I can get to being real about it.

I don't talk to people about my feelings either, it's the stereotypical male thing to not do, plus I like peace and quiet. Peace and quiet is good but when it's used to ruminate and over analyse things, it's negative.

I'm very private, wont talk to others because they might tell others, anybody talks to me about feelings I wont mention it to anybody else. Talking to a counsellor or using CBT helps me in that regard, everything is said in confidence, nobody is going to judge you for opening up or talking about your thoughts.

Geomy

Had a bout of the black hole during the week for a few days. ..
I was getting worried I had it 3 year's ago.
It was a nightmare, I worked hard on acceptance and realising it's a sickness and not any god conscience punishing me for being human etc...

Meditation worked too, I had a great Doctor he used to call me the odd evening on my mobile to see if I'm coping alright.

I couldn't eat, sleep or work.

Had to go on medication for 7 month's, I tapered off after 6
Every second day first week, 3rd the second, 4the 3rd then 1

Had a lot of Zappers but I got over it :-)

Wishing you all good luck this winter :-)

RobbingBandit

Spending my 6 night in emergency accommodation tonight, this past afternoon I had to tell my college departments I am homeless and living on campus until I can get something sorted, I told one of my advisers in the student support service I felt like throwing myself out of a 4th floor window in the room I was staying in this has now opened the flood gates for me.

They made me sign a form in front of their boss giving them permission to contact my GP, CBT and Psychiatrist(who has in the past few weeks discharged me as she thinks there is nothing wrong with me). I am kind of glad the room I am in tonight has a window that can't open as I would be out of it now given the chance, on Friday I am supposed to go to Dublin City Council to look for somewhere to stay as in the past week I have spent near €300 on the rooms I am staying in, I feel like just upping out now and falling into a river or off a ledge, there is no way I will get through this as everyday something new much worse seems to happen.

murria

RobbingBandit wrote: »

Spending my 6 night in emergency accommodation tonight, this past afternoon I had to tell my college departments I am homeless and living on campus until I can get something sorted, I told one of my advisers in the student support service I felt like throwing myself out of a 4th floor window in the room I was staying in this has now opened the flood gates for me.

They made me sign a form in front of their boss giving them permission to contact my GP, CBT and Psychiatrist(who has in the past few weeks discharged me as she thinks there is nothing wrong with me). I am kind of glad the room I am in tonight has a window that can't open as I would be out of it now given the chance, on Friday I am supposed to go to Dublin City Council to look for somewhere to stay as in the past week I have spent near €300 on the rooms I am staying in, I feel like just upping out now and falling into a river or off a ledge, there is no way I will get through this as everyday something new much worse seems to happen.

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a hard time, but the fact that you did speak out in front of someone, and that you didn't throw yourself out of the window and that the window where you are can't be opened has some significance. Keep hanging in there things can change. I hope you can get some help over the next few days. Try to get some rest tonight, even if you can't sleep just try to relax and stop the chaos in your head.

Take care. xx

gomamochi1

glass_onion wrote: »

For those having sleep issues.I was given an hand out before called "sleep hygiene". If you search "sleep hygiene pdf" you will find the guide.It gives practical tips in how to get a nights sleep.Hope it will help.

Hi I work with a community psych nurse and she mentioned to me today about sleep hygiene. Basically-if unr tossig and turning ruminating etc just get up go downstairs and look out the window at the stars, clouds etc doing nothing no tv etc . Do this for 20 min then back to bed snd lie duwn for 20 min, if still awake eldest every 20 min and apparently u won't get past 3 attempts or rounds without falling asleep! Good luck!

myotherself

RobbingBandit wrote: »

Spending my 6 night in emergency accommodation tonight, this past afternoon I had to tell my college departments I am homeless and living on campus until I can get something sorted, I told one of my advisers in the student support service I felt like throwing myself out of a 4th floor window in the room I was staying in this has now opened the flood gates for me.

They made me sign a form in front of their boss giving them permission to contact my GP, CBT and Psychiatrist(who has in the past few weeks discharged me as she thinks there is nothing wrong with me). I am kind of glad the room I am in tonight has a window that can't open as I would be out of it now given the chance, on Friday I am supposed to go to Dublin City Council to look for somewhere to stay as in the past week I have spent near €300 on the rooms I am staying in, I feel like just upping out now and falling into a river or off a ledge, there is no way I will get through this as everyday something new much worse seems to happen.

Pyschiatrists sometimes like peg us into little case study-esque boxes. If we don't fit them, then they don't know what to do with us. It took me 4 mths of sessions to express my sometimes suicidal tendencies....her first reaction...."someone like you couldn't be suicidal..."!!! You will at some point find someone who does understand you, but in the meantime, keep going.

You may not think it, but you're amazing. You've been through so SO much **** already and you're still going. You think you might not be able to handle it, but the mere fact that you're still breathing shows you that you are. You're still here, you're still alive, you're still getting up each day and going to college and putting one foot in front of the other and interacting with those around you.

That may not sound like a lot when you read it, but Bandit, when you know just how much effort it takes to haul yourself out of wherever you've managed to sleep the night before, when you know the agony of opening your eyes each morning and realising that horrible dull numbness in your limbs and stomach and head hasn't gone away, the sheer fact that you've been able to get up and go out and face the day is unreal.

Keep going dude, there will be light at the end of the tunnel someday (and no, it won't be a train!) Will be hoping things settle down for you soon and that when you graduate from college, this will be a time that you can look back on and know that despite all the crap life was throwing at you, you made it through it. Look after yourself,XxX

myotherself

I had to create another account as some of my family and friends are on here and I don't want them knowing any of this. I watched this video last night and it has left me in bits. It's called "Pinata"

While I wasn't raped as a kid, I was abused by a family friend. Now and again I can deal with it, but listening to this last night (and today) has just opened it all up. I feel like ****, I feel like even though I know it wasn't my fault, even though I know the scumbag who did it is the one to blame, I still feel like hell. I'm in work and I'm hoping my colleague doesn't come back to the office any time soon because I don't want to have to explain why my eyes are so puffy from crying.

When I was younger, I tried everything. I tried drink, I tried drugs, I tried self-harming, I tried sleeping around, I tried a relationship with the most solid, safe, secure man I found, I tried writing, I tried to withdraw from the world, I tried opening myself up to everything. It was the equivalent of throwing a bucket of water on a corner of a room on fire. It worked for the shortest time, and then it all came back, stronger than before.

This morning, for the first time in several years, I "accidentally" burned myself with the iron. For some reason, the physical pain is much, much easier to deal with than the burning horrible feeling I have inside of me. I've always been impulsive, and that's what it was. One minute I was ironing, the next I have an "accidental" burn. I don't wanna fix it, I just wanna let the burning on my arm continue, because if the pain is there, then I can concentrate on that instead of anything else.

I've come back from this before, and I know I'll do it again, just everything today seems tinted with such a horrible dull foggy grey that this pain on my arm makes it seems somewhat more colourful, if that makes any sense...?

I'm just glad there's an outlet like this where I can let my words spill out on the page and not have to worry about notes being taken by an over-eager counsellor, not have to worry about seeing the fear in a friends face as they realise this is something they can't fix, and I'm glad that I'm in work because at least I can keep myself busy (once I start actually working, not writing on boards!). Thanks DeVore, and everyone else who's posted-ye make it somewhat easier to get through the day.XxX

Drumpot

myotherself wrote: »

I had to create another account as some of my family and friends are on here and I don't want them knowing any of this. I watched this video last night and it has left me in bits. It's called "Pinata"


While I wasn't raped as a kid, I was abused by a family friend. Now and again I can deal with it, but listening to this last night (and today) has just opened it all up. I feel like ****, I feel like even though I know it wasn't my fault, even though I know the scumbag who did it is the one to blame, I still feel like hell. I'm in work and I'm hoping my colleague doesn't come back to the office any time soon because I don't want to have to explain why my eyes are so puffy from crying.

When I was younger, I tried everything. I tried drink, I tried drugs, I tried self-harming, I tried sleeping around, I tried a relationship with the most solid, safe, secure man I found, I tried writing, I tried to withdraw from the world, I tried opening myself up to everything. It was the equivalent of throwing a bucket of water on a corner of a room on fire. It worked for the shortest time, and then it all came back, stronger than before.

This morning, for the first time in several years, I "accidentally" burned myself with the iron. For some reason, the physical pain is much, much easier to deal with than the burning horrible feeling I have inside of me. I've always been impulsive, and that's what it was. One minute I was ironing, the next I have an "accidental" burn. I don't wanna fix it, I just wanna let the burning on my arm continue, because if the pain is there, then I can concentrate on that instead of anything else.

I've come back from this before, and I know I'll do it again, just everything today seems tinted with such a horrible dull foggy grey that this pain on my arm makes it seems somewhat more colourful, if that makes any sense...?

I'm just glad there's an outlet like this where I can let my words spill out on the page and not have to worry about notes being taken by an over-eager counsellor, not have to worry about seeing the fear in a friends face as they realise this is something they can't fix, and I'm glad that I'm in work because at least I can keep myself busy (once I start actually working, not writing on boards!). Thanks DeVore, and everyone else who's posted-ye make it somewhat easier to get through the day.XxX

Things have come up in therapy that I didn't even know from when I was younger. Only by chance did I find out that there was a local female paedophile in my estate when I was younger. My therapist says that apart from this, there are things that we discussed that suggest I may of been sexually abused.

At first I was determined to get to the bottom of it but over time, through my CBT I have learned to accept that what happened to me in the past (in all aspects of my life) is not as important as how I lead my life going forward. I am not who I was back then, I am not defined by things that have happened to me in the past and I should not allow myself to be defined by the things I think or the things I think I might be in the future. This means I live my life in fear. Fear of what came, what is coming and what might come. Instead I am just trying to live with whatever is on front of me right now (ie live in the now).

Right now I can honestly say that it doesn't matter to me what happened when I was younger. Whether I was abused or not is not really that important because if I allow myself to wallow or feel self pity about myself (as a child) I will only continue being a victim to circumstances I couldn't control. Worse still with this train of thought I will continue to allow myself to feel pain from circumstances/events that I can never change .

Its not been easy by any stretch, but its required me to completely change the way I think about myself and the world around me. I had tried councelling, medication and other methods mentioned on this thread, which gave me some relief, but the cognitive behavioural therapy I have done has helped me learn to "fit in my skin". To be able to have peace and contentment with who I am and to accept that I cannot control those around me, but I can control how I react to different situations.

For personal reasons (Im allowed keep a few secrets ! :P) I do not discuss all the therapy I do, but in general I would say the biggest things that has worked for me has been:

• Accepting that I do not have the answer to my problem
• Following this up with ACTION (instead of continually thinking about it)
• I trust my GP to advise me when I am unwell, I trust my therapist to help me get through bad patches when I feel helpless/alone, I trust certain family/friends to confide in things I just have to talk about
• I accept that I wont learn everything in one go/visit

The last one is important. I used to expect an immediate answer to my problems and was understandably impatient to get well (or feel better). I am doing CBT over one year and I can tell you that people around me have seen a huge change and I do, at times see the change myself. Sometimes I don't feel better or sometimes I don't see the positive changes, but that's why I need my friends/family/GP etc to highlight it for me.

Call Me Jimmy

Just a short reflection. Was watching the hanz zimmer time video, moved me in the second half as it always does but I was staring at all the beautiful landscapes taking them all in with awe and appreciation. Then I looked at my hand, the skin on my hand and it's like I could feel the surge of negativity being projected onto it, and this was just my hand. But I felt the weight of my mind's bias against my own body; in such stark contrast to a moment previous where I was looking at 'nature' thinking how incredible it all is.

Then I thought that I am a part of nature too. I have my place. But I suppose the operative word is 'beautiful'. If I was looking at pictures of wheelie bins on their side with the garbage out that has the same importance as a great landscape painting, and is just as much 'natural'.

But mainly, I felt how much power is going into every interpretation of my own body, and now I've talked myself into a circle as usual!

Dry Hopped

Depression has been a funny old illness for me. In many ways it has been the close old friend that has shaped my outlook and sense of humour. And it isn't all negative. There is a certain clarity that it brings to thinking. The little insights that have shaped me, and how I view the world, have often been crafted while I have been at my lowest. It has also left me with a very low tolerance for the type of misery sold by Joe Duffy. Or for the negativity that seems to be de facto on Irish websites and message boards. Genuine support structures are out there. They cost from nothing to very little. Much of my positivity is realising that I live in a small country that isn't perfect; has contributed to some of the social stigma regarding mental illness, but remains a wonderful place for those of us who suffer from mental illness to have an outlet.


I've had major depressive episodes for much of my life. Age brings a certain understanding. Sometimes being open about it - to the point of hubris - can be beneficial. I've cried at 4 in the morning as I realise that tommorrow brings the same as it was yesterday. Making an effort to bring a 3 litre bottle of water to bed so I don't have to get up for 3 days. Regular CBT sessions have been enormously benefitial for me. 5 days after starting to run (still useless) made me understand that we need to exercise.

Talk therapy has had a major influence on how I live my life. So have music, literature, a renewed interest in the GAA and a sense of community, and sitting down to watch sport on TV. I will always have atypical depression. But as a 31 year old man who has lived through the worst; I can only hope that you can find a place that allows you to genuinely talk to a caring human.

Call Me Jimmy

I feel ****ing glorious. Absolutely glorius. I am conscious of it too so it's not a case of going too high or anything.

Esoteric_

Haven't posted for a few months.

when I last posted, depression and anxiety had gotten extremely bad, after a year free from treatment. So I got up and sought help again.

I'm happy so say that I'm doing well, again. Been seeing someone for a few months, been on medication too.

They're estimating that I'll be finished treatment again within six months, although I have to stay on medication for a year.

Seems my grandad and uncle's deaths hit me a lot harder than I thought.

Back on track and feeling quite good now, though.

Once I can get through this first Christmas without my grandad and uncle, I'll be over the biggest hurdle

Morph the Cat

Just read on SKY News there's a new type of depression out now - it's when bodybuilders don't think they're muscular enough.

http://news.sky.com/story/1169320/bodybuilding-obsession-leading-to-bigorexia

Turtwig

Morph the Cat wrote: »

Just read on SKY News there's a new type of depression out now - it's when bodybuilders don't think they're muscular enough.

http://news.sky.com/story/1169320/bodybuilding-obsession-leading-to-bigorexia

Unfortunately the bigger issue here is the amount of substances people take to achieve these goals. Some of these are barely tested and their risks poorly understood. Or for that matter even attempted to be understood. How they stimulate hormones that influence mood disorders is a real area for concern. If something has no known death's or side effects associated with it, then it's probably deadly. Everything has side effects, even something as seemingly safe as cabbage or peanuts will harm somebody! We all have a very good idea of the risks of cabbage and peanuts though. It's the ones we don't know the risks about and especially those who go out their way to market products as being without risk that we should be wary of.

Slighty off topic, apologies.

Rothko

I don't think I've ever felt as depressed as I am right now. I just feel like I can't go on any longer. Due to having intense social anxiety/phobia, I'm 24 and not only am I still a virgin but I've never been in relationship or even kissed a girl. Laughingly pathetic, right? I've lost contact with most of my old friends too. I have absolutely no self-confidence and self-esteem whatsoever. I've gone to the doctor and am due to start CBT, which I very much doubt will make any difference anyway. I just keep feeling worse and worse. I started self-harming which is only getting more severe and more frequent, same with having suicidal thoughts. I just feel so f*cking pathetic and such a loser and a freak. I've felt like this for years and it's only getting more intense as time goes by. I've missed out on so much in life and I don't think I'm ever going to find anyone. Who the hell would want someone my age that has no experience whatsoever? I'd rather be dead than end up alone.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. I guess it's just to relieve at least some amount of the tension and distress that I'm feeling right now.

Maximus Alexander

Suas11 wrote: »

I don't think I've ever felt as depressed as I am right now. I just feel like I can't go on any longer. Due to having intense social anxiety/phobia, I'm 24 and not only am I still a virgin but I've never been in relationship or even kissed a girl. Laughingly pathetic, right? I've lost contact with most of my old friends too. I have absolutely no self-confidence and self-esteem whatsoever. I've gone to the doctor and am due to start CBT, which I very much doubt will make any difference anyway. I just keep feeling worse and worse. I started self-harming which is only getting more severe and more frequent, same with having suicidal thoughts. I just feel so f*cking pathetic and such a loser and a freak. I've felt like this for years and it's only getting more intense as time goes by. I've missed out on so much in life and I don't think I'm ever going to find anyone. Who the hell would want someone my age that has no experience whatsoever? I'd rather be dead than end up alone.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. I guess it's just to relieve at least some amount of the tension and distress that I'm feeling right now.

No, I'm not laughing. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and this is certainly not something you should let add to your worries.

For what it's worth, one of my two best friends was a virgin at 24, and it didn't speak to the kind of person he was at all. He's a very intelligent, interesting and caring person who means the world to me and a number of other people. Ultimately he went travelling at 26 (I think), met a girl, lost his virginity and regrets it, because he didn't even like her that much. He now thinks that since he had waited so long, he might as well have waited for the right person.

When you do meet someone, this won't matter.

You're taking a good step with the CBT and I really hope it works for you. Don't give up on yourself, you're not alone in feeling the way you do and you can get through it. If you do, the best days of your life are still out there waiting for you.

I wish you the best of luck with it.

glass_onion

Suas11 wrote: »

I don't think I've ever felt as depressed as I am right now. I just feel like I can't go on any longer. Due to having intense social anxiety/phobia, I'm 24 and not only am I still a virgin but I've never been in relationship or even kissed a girl. Laughingly pathetic, right? I've lost contact with most of my old friends too. I have absolutely no self-confidence and self-esteem whatsoever. I've gone to the doctor and am due to start CBT, which I very much doubt will make any difference anyway. I just keep feeling worse and worse. I started self-harming which is only getting more severe and more frequent, same with having suicidal thoughts. I just feel so f*cking pathetic and such a loser and a freak. I've felt like this for years and it's only getting more intense as time goes by. I've missed out on so much in life and I don't think I'm ever going to find anyone. Who the hell would want someone my age that has no experience whatsoever? I'd rather be dead than end up alone.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. I guess it's just to relieve at least some amount of the tension and distress that I'm feeling right now.

Hi. First of all well done for taking a step and talking about it here.you have found some relief and outlook here.

Secondly.Don't worry about the relationship thing.it all happens in good time.Why be stuck in a relationship you not happy with?.
Put the relationship issues aside and work on yourself.As you said you are stating cbt and congrat you on that.
You are 24 not 104.i know life can seem "old" at that age,but plenty of time ahead to change for best.so give yourself a chance on that.Don't worry about losing contact with friends.we all change over time,friends in our life drift in and out.But social media etc gives us a chance down the line to keep in contact.

look after yourself and keep in touch here.

cena

I feel like I could go on the tablets again after today.

There is this family there we feel out with. All that familys fault. This women is a bully. There was a hurling thing on today with tea etc given out. Her kids are always trying to come over to me, and when they do she comes over and drags the 4 year old twins away from. She does the same with then 7yr old. The 10 yr well come over when she can't be seen.

I felt so horrible going in for a cup of tea knowing what she would do. All the parents watching on. I have brought it to the club chairman before.

Are we not suppose to make kids be nice to people they know well.

P_1

Great thread here, figured I should throw my two cent in.

I'm not sure if it's depression or what that I have but lately I've been feeling hardly any emotion either way (joy or sorrow) for some time now, combined with a massive lack of motivation and a massive cynicism bordering on distrust of others. Small fry compared to what some of the rest of you here seem to be having here I guess.