LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

delthedriver

RobbingBandit wrote: »

Anyone else find their family continually bringing them down haven't spoken to 99% of mine in 6 months the only brother I am talking to called me tonight to tell me my grandmother is very sick and is surprised I don't give a **** and don't want to know, I hate these people so much they make me want to continually hurt my selfbI wish I could just get the **** away from all of this

Put yourself first! This is a cardinal rule if you are to get better.


Talk to your GP about how you feel. Your GP will become your best friend at this point.


Family are family, they do not understand how we feel even with the best will in the world. However be neither hard on yourself nor them. They are the only family we have.


Be kind to yourself !

Ah-Watch

I had read the OP before and thought it was very good but really only skimmed over it and thought I'll read it later, fast forward a couple of months and when I was looking for it I couldn't put my finger on the thread itself.

I think it's a great opening post and have to say that it helps knowing I'm not going coockoo in my own head (I don't mean that in a disrespectful way to anyone else- just how I felt myself personally at the ripe old age of 21 a few years ago :eek: ) Luckily feel much better in myself over the past few years but knowing you're not the only one helps greatly. Cheers DeVore!

As others have said I also too did the Darkness into Light walk but last year after a friend took her life. She was in my class in school and died at maybe 20-21 and I felt I needed to do it for her and after the way I had felt a few months previously. Again, the atmosphere was brilliant and was good for peoples awareness and memory of people who are no longer with us too...

TommieBoy

I have to keep admitting to myself that it's ok to be a happy person who deals with depression. Something about the word grates on my nerves and I try not to associate with it - but it doesnae matter whether I like it or not, I still must learn to deal with it... What often bothers me (among other things) is that I seem disassociated from feeling the "fun" that others seem to have - that particularly hits me on weekends.

DeVore

Tommieboy, i couldnt agree more. Ive been great now for about 18 months. So good that its sometimes hard to remember how bad it had been at times. Thats dangerous too.... forgetting that this can strike is a sure way of being struck. So I still try to spot the signs and do my maintenance routines.
But the positive news is that this is there for everyone. it will take work and its not easy but really its there for us all.

The part about not feeling part of the fun at times.... that resonates with me. And can provoke a feeling of faldehood or fakeness because im expected to be "havibg the craic". Dont feel hostage to that. You are not under some obligation to "have fun". If its not your scene... or you arent feeling it... thats cool. A lot of people can sympathise im sure!
When you feel more comfortable in your skin, that will come easier and you are on a good path to it too.
Take care...

TommieBoy

Thanks DeVore, I will remember that!
...Very good to hear you are improving

Yep, feeling non-authentic does seem like an issue - when everyone else is having fun, and me with a smile on my face but not able to connect to the... the... joy inside ...You mean other people feel like this too? Truly, I felt like the only one, a mis-fit. I am sorry to hear others go thru this.

Oh that makes great sense, thank you...for the feedback, advice and excellent perspective.

Haven't posted here in a while. I'm mostly doing ok though I definitely feel stuck in a bit of a rut. Being an unemployed graduate who doesn't have a clue what he wants to do isn't much fun. Job hunting is a complete balls; so many people don't have the courtesy to even get back to you, and on the rare occasion I secure an interview I get bombarded with these bullshít "tell me about a time when you...." so-called competency questions that are totally irrelevant to my abilities to do a job and test nothing other than how good I am at making complete crap up on the spot. :mad: It seems like getting a job is 1% how competent you are and 99% about how good you are at bullshítting - and I just can't feign enough confidence in myself to do that. And even though I send out plenty of applications I've sort of restricted myself to particular areas (science/finance) - I feel like I need something that's gonna lead to me having a big, important, prestigious high-paying job in the future. I know it's silly but if I don't make lots of money or have some sort of highly respected career before I'm 30 I'm gonna feel like a failure.

Until I get a job I'm stuck at home, isolated from friends (most of whom live in the UK 'cause that's where I made my closest friends), sitting at home glued to a laptop, comfort eating out of boredom and getting fat(ter) because I fail to motivate myself to do anything else. The highlight of my week is going to sign on 'cause at least it gets me out of the house - that's pretty pathetic. I don't wanna be a leech on my family or society and I don't wanna have to put up without having any form of social life. I'm 24, these are supposed to be the best years of my life....it's not like my teenage years or early twenties were much to write home about!

Meds-wise I'm still on 225mg Efexor every day. Occasionally I'll miss a dose or two (irregular eating patterns) and I actually notice the difference it makes, just missing one dose can drain me and either make me into an apathetic zombie or a tetchy, grumpy wreck. I know meds are important but it's scary how much of an effect they can have.

Anyway this was kind of rambly, just haven't let myself waffle about this kind of stuff for a while. Hope everyone out there is doing ok; a naive, deluded hope I know but still.....try and stay strong, as meaningless as that may sound from some internet stranger.

pinkstars

God does anyone have anxiety about work I a so afraid was not admitted the other day but seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow at 9 and I am so anxious I need to be at work but I have severe anxiety there and my manager said I was 'unwell' there last week....I HATE being off and I know I can't be in work but I have to...and I am so afraid....I'll feel worse doing whatever. I think I would prefer to be admitted to hospital at this stage, I actually feel suicidal

delthedriver

pinkstars wrote: »

God does anyone have anxiety about work I a so afraid was not admitted the other day but seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow at 9 and I am so anxious I need to be at work but I have severe anxiety there and my manager said I was 'unwell' there last week....I HATE being off and I know I can't be in work but I have to...and I am so afraid....I'll feel worse doing whatever. I think I would prefer to be admitted to hospital at this stage, I actually feel suicidal

Wow! Slow down. Take deep breaths.


You are meeting your Psych tomorrow at 9am, explain fully your situation to him , including your suicidal feelings. Follow whatever advice he gives you.
Explain to him your preference to be admitted to hospital to get whatever support you need to help your health improve.
Remember these tough days too will pass. Take very good care of yourself, you are worth it.

delthedriver

Folks , I have posted here for quite a while .


It is a truly wonderful thread, and have met so many friends and cyber friends over the last couple of years.


I have reached a point where I feel the need to move on and as a result have decided to withdraw myself from the thread for the foreseeable future.


Thank you all for your friendship and support .


I wish you all a safe journey through life.


Very sincerely,


delthedriver

efb

delthedriver wrote: »

Folks , I have posted here for quite a while .


It is a truly wonderful thread, and have met so many friends and cyber friends over the last couple of years.


I have reached a point where I feel the need to move on and as a result have decided to withdraw myself from the thread for the foreseeable future.


Thank you all for your friendship and support .


I wish you all a safe journey through life.


Very sincerely,


delthedriver

Best of luck with everything Del

Call Me Jimmy

you will be missed del. Very giving with your time and compassion. Best of luck on your own journey and I look forward to seeing you post again sometime in the future

Lightbulb Sun

Thanks for all your posts Del.

You were an asset to the thread here and in the LTI forum. Best of luck.

Sorry to see you go del. You gave some great advice to people on this thread. I hope you may return at some point in the future. Wishing you all the best.

DeVore

Take some of your own good advice Del, be kind to yourself. You're one of the nicest people I've ever met.

Timmyctc

Ladies and Gentlemen.
Its been a pleasure posting with you.
http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/O5zGkqAWsWE/maxresdefault.jpg

goodnight

lukesmom

Hey so narky today I could bite someone's head off. Anxiety low but just so irritable. Doesn't help I've to look after two little kiddies mine.

lukesmom

Timmyctc wrote: »

Ladies and Gentlemen.
Its been a pleasure posting with you.
http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/O5zGkqAWsWE/maxresdefault.jpg

goodnight

?????

Carry

I found this by accident:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ie/search?updated-max=2013-10-02T14:53:00-06:00&max-results=10

It's a wonderful and accurate description of the journey down and more or less up again. I could relate to a lot of it. And it's beautifully illustrated.

InReality

Carry wrote: »

I found this by accident:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ie/search?updated-max=2013-10-02T14:53:00-06:00&max-results=10

It's a wonderful and accurate description of the journey down and more or less up again. I could relate to a lot of it. And it's beautifully illustrated.

I got one of her books its very good

Ugo Monye spacecraft experience

Carry wrote: »

I found this by accident:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ie/search?updated-max=2013-10-02T14:53:00-06:00&max-results=10

It's a wonderful and accurate description of the journey down and more or less up again. I could relate to a lot of it. And it's beautifully illustrated.

That's brilliant, thanks for the link

efb

Just in such a bad head space atm, work has become unbearable.

Gongoozler

For once work isn't the major of my concerns. I NEED to live by myself. And I can't afford it.

I think I may have pms. It feels like I'm overwhelmed but irrationally, and that's usually pms for me. I need to not be allowed around people when I'm like this.

Calibos

Haven't posted in a good few weeks now at this stage. Got through the Cymbalta withdrawl handily enough. Kidney ultrasound ordered by doctor investigating my High Blood pressure that got really bad after coming off Cymbalta showed I have a very large right adrenal gland. He then ordered a CAT scan of the adrenal gland/kidneys which I am having on Monday.

I copped that the radiologist doing the ultrasound had spent one minute on one kidney and 10 minutes on the other and that 8 minutes of that 10 were at the top of the right kidney near my rib cage, I put 2 and 2 together. ie. that there was something unusual about my right kidney and that it was likely to do with the adrenal gland which I knew is at the top of each kidney. An adrenal problem could explain everything. My Anxiety, my tiredness, my high blood pressure. It would explain why the SNRI Cymbalta (N stands for norepinephrine ie. Adrenaline) did seem to work somewhat for my anxiety and BP but did not seem to change my emotional state at all. I'd been saying for a long time to my doc that I didn't think I had depression, that grief over one of my dogs deaths at the time of our first anxiety/depression consultation may have confused the diagnosis. That after I had gotten over the death of Sunny, I actually didn't feel different emotionally on the Cymbalta as I did before any of this started. ie. I was content happy and optimistic most of the time, depressed by things that would depress anyone (Finances etc). He wasn't having any of it and just said I was on the lower end of the depression spectrum. When I finally convinced him that I wanted to come off Cymbalta, he basically just said 'grand so' and was expecting me to do it Cold Turkey until I protested!! I knew then it was time to change docs, so when the Blood Pressure thing reared its head a few weeks later during Cymbalta withdrawl I went to another doc in the practice. Anyway, thats covered in previous posts.

I've gotta give props to the new doc. I may have copped onto his avenue of investigation because of the radiologist spending so much time on my right adrenal. (We didn't discus what he was thinking because I assume he didn't want me worrying with the help of Dr Google about Adrenal Adenomas or Adrenal cancers etc and the radiologists generally won't answer questions about what they found and will tell you to talk to your doc after he gets the results). However its the new doc that was able to put all the pieces of information together to prompt a different avenue of investigation which seems to be bearing fruit.

He needn't have worried about Dr Google scaring me. Ironically I don't generally suffer from mental anxiety so to speak, moreso physiological anxiety or the physical symptoms of anxiety. Reading up on adrenal problems it looks like Malignant adrenal cancers are extremely rare and likely worst case for me is benign adenomas which over secrete adrenaline, cortisol etc. Keyhole surgery to remove them and you are right as rain. Rather than worrying me I am actually hopeful its an adrenal problem of some sort as it means I was right all along, that I don't have clinical anxiety or depression, that I don't have to worry about further 'episodes' going forward requiring anti-depressents with all the side effects they entail, that when this is sorted its sorted for good.

My reason for posting today?

Bloody crippled with anxiety today!!!! Edgy as ****!

Had a big lunch. Sweats started, BP went up. Anxiety shot up. Its happened before and apparently episodes can be brought on by pressure on the enlarged adrenal gland by the full stomach causing a large squirt of adrenaline which is another thing pointing towards the adrenal avenue of investigation.

Calibos

My post was still on my screen when I came back from work and I re-read it. Probably worrying about nothing but I just wanted to clarify that the part of my post explaining how I had my theories that I didn't have classic depression or anxiety and how I tried to convince my original doc the same, was not out of any fear of stigma of depression or anything like that. Far from it it. I'm in retail and if the subject of depression or anxiety came up in conversation with customers I had no problem telling them that I was on an SNRI/SSRI and why. Doing my bit to normalise it and dispel any misconceptions people had of it etc. I simply genuinely self assesed my feelings and emotions and symptoms and episodes over the last year and came to the conclusion that there was a definite possibility that I was mis-diagnosed. The death of one of my dogs and the resultant major grief was the catalyst for me finally going to the doctor about my symptoms of anxiety but also unfortunately probably the reason for the mis-diagnosis (If thats what it turns out to be) Won't know for sure till we dig a little deeper into the adrenal issue which means the Cat Scan on Monday and then probably seeing an endocrinologist to test hormone and adrenaline and cortisol levels.

RobbingBandit

Found out my diabetes has been having a few laughs behind my back while I ignored it, have early onset retinopathy, my gp is a hack and has told me there is nothing I can do about it, I don't take my diabeto seriously as the sideeffects from the meds are terrible, bloating,firing from both ends,feet swelling up, weight gain etc.

Felt low again so did my usual swallowed loads of pills and wrote on my leg **** you bitches DNR. Nothing happened as usual but I be thinking it is time I go to Pieta House, but I know in my heart I wont listen to what they say no matter what it is, I am sitting on a bed here now will massive pains in my legs which is the reason I always have a small supply of pain pills, that and migraines, I want the pain and fear to go away but I just don't know how to do it anymore, nothing works and I have run out of patiences with myself more than anything else, **** my life.

The whole struggle of finding a job is really starting to get me down now. I regularly feel completely and utterly useless compared to other people. Seeing friends go on to get good jobs without much effort, or go on to PhDs, makes me feel like a worthless idiot. Even those that don't have prestigious jobs or education have something else in their lives, talents I don't have or passions that give them a reason to get out of bed. Whereas I feel like I have absolutely nothing. There's nothing about me that makes me special (and I don't buy the whole "you're the best at being you"/"everyone's special" lines because they are only meaningless soundbites). Anti-depressants, talking therapies, even posting here.....I've tried them all but they're all just temporary fixes.

Part of my brain keeps screaming at me to do something. To get fit and lose weight. To learn a new language. To pick up an instrument and learn it. To brush up my maths abilities from my degree. There are so many things I tell myself I should be doing but the rest of my brain doesn't respond and instead I just end up sitting around, being miserable, doing nothing. It's like I don't even try 'cause I know I'll never be good enough. There's nothing I can do that a billion other people in the world can't do better. I know I've typed out the same "woe is me" spiel a bunch of times and people are probably sick of reading it. But I really feel powerless to do anything else. I'm not strong enough or smart enough or able enough to be "better", whatever that is.

And I know I've posted this video before but I really identify with it. It's a good summary of where I am in life right now:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo4Z-1McXG0

tl;dr: I suck and it's nobody else's fault but mine.

Call Me Jimmy

RobbingBandit wrote: »

Found out my diabetes has been having a few laughs behind my back while I ignored it, have early onset retinopathy, my gp is a hack and has told me there is nothing I can do about it, I don't take my diabeto seriously as the sideeffects from the meds are terrible, bloating,firing from both ends,feet swelling up, weight gain etc.

Felt low again so did my usual swallowed loads of pills and wrote on my leg **** you bitches DNR. Nothing happened as usual but I be thinking it is time I go to Pieta House, but I know in my heart I wont listen to what they say no matter what it is, I am sitting on a bed here now will massive pains in my legs which is the reason I always have a small supply of pain pills, that and migraines, I want the pain and fear to go away but I just don't know how to do it anymore, nothing works and I have run out of patiences with myself more than anything else, **** my life.

That sounds horrendous, I know what it's like to be unbearable physical pain. So unbearable that I was FORCED (by my own terrible experience) to find a way out of at least that. **** everything else I said, while I'm here I can't be in this much physical pain.

The result was meditation and yoga. I'm telling you as someone who was in a similar position, there will come a point where you just cannot take the pain anymore and the answer in my opinion is to help your body out. I don't think any form of exercise other than yoga (if you want to call it excercise) will sort a badly shaped body out. Know that there IS a way out of the physical problems and yoga is it. Please don't try to dismiss me as a yoga nut, it's the truth. Meditation will help your mind. Trust me if it gets bad enough and you know this you should eventually try.

Call Me Jimmy

[QUOTE=Deleted User;90739454It's like I don't even try 'cause I know I'll never be good enough. There's nothing I can do that a billion other people in the world can't do better. I know I've typed out the same "woe is me" spiel a bunch of times and people are probably sick of reading it. But I really feel powerless to do anything else. I'm not strong enough or smart enough or able enough to be "better", whatever that is.
[/QUOTE]

You simply lack confidence homer. And don't immediately think 'I'm not attractive' when I say that. You lack confidence. Confidence can be acquired. 'I dont even try cause I know I'll never be good enough'. Know this: how good people are at things is a function of time. There are very very few exceptions to this, and yes, if you are 5 foot 1 you won't be able to be the fastest sprinter in the world by default. But you know what I'm saying.

You're stuck in pathological thinking like myself so I have a lot of sympathy for you, although I believe the content of what you're dissillusioned about is irrelevant. You are stuck. But know that you can't 'live in the country and the city both'. No one is great at something immediately. And being great at something for being great's sake will be completely unfulfilling, if you don't enjoy the 'doing' of it while you improve you will stop. So it's an impossible goal.

Menas

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm not strong enough or smart enough or able enough to be "better", whatever that is.

This post reminded me of a place I was once in Homer.

I guess the key for me was not to try to do things in order to be the best in the world at them (bound to fail), but rather to start doing things to simply enjoy them.

Hard at first, but well worth doing.

handbagmad

Good days=happiness and hope
Bad days= experience and learning

Both are essential in life.
So try take the good with the bad, if your struggling live your life each day as a new one.