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LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!
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I'd like to believe that's true, and I'm sure it is for most people, but seeing people around me who seem to pick up stuff and succeed so much quicker than I do is just really disheartening. It makes me lose heart and have zero confidence in my abilities (or lack thereof). I've convinced myself at this stage that I'm useless at everything and am destined to never be successful. And that's a really horrible thought.Call Me Jimmy wrote: »You simply lack confidence homer. And don't immediately think 'I'm not attractive' when I say that. You lack confidence. Confidence can be acquired. 'I dont even try cause I know I'll never be good enough'. Know this: how good people are at things is a function of time.You're stuck in pathological thinking like myself so I have a lot of sympathy for you, although I believe the content of what you're dissillusioned about is irrelevant. You are stuck. But know that you can't 'live in the country and the city both'. No one is great at something immediately. And being great at something for being great's sake will be completely unfulfilling, if you don't enjoy the 'doing' of it while you improve you will stop. So it's an impossible goal.
Thanks for the kind words. I feel like I've tried a lot to change this way of thinking but the fact that nothing is working makes me wonder if I'm keeping myself miserable on purpose, 'cause it's easier than being satisfied?
Meh, I dunno. This "being a grown up" stuff is far too difficult....definitely coming back as a cat in my next life.
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Call Me Jimmy wrote: »What stuff specifically have you spent the same time as someone else at and they were 'better' than you? What have they picked up?
You're perception is distorted. Have you practiced not speaking negatively about yourself? Although I'm in the wars I have stopped doing any negative monologue. I feel bad, but I never say the negative stuff to myself. One of my friends has gotten in a patch and I've seen how he in minor ways speaks more negatively about himself and I think the more you do that the more it reinforces the FEELING. If you don't speak or self-talk negatively you won't feel like Mary Poppins, but I think over time your thoughts about yourself won't be as bad.
Mainly stuff from my college days. For someone who used get top marks in school I don't think I'll ever be able to cope with how badly college went for me.
I'd go to lectures, take notes, read over them....and then look blankly at problem sets and exams feeling like a complete idiot when others in my class would get to grips with stuff much quicker and get really good marks. I can accept that they were more passionate about the subject than I was....but it still felt "unfair" in some sense that they were able to cope with things better than me.
Also a general lack of talent when it comes to anything to do with sports, DIY or art. Sure, you can improve how good you are at football or drawing but you also need a bit of natural talent and flair. I just have nothing in that regard.
To quote Gore Vidal: "Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little".
I get what you're saying about refusing to think negatively but it sounds really difficult. It would feel like I was constantly lying to myself or living in denial. Still, if it would be less disappointing than living as the real me then I guess I could give it a try.
Thanks for the reply again Jimmy, your words always provide food for thought. 0 -
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Deleted User wrote: »Mainly stuff from my college days. For someone who used get top marks in school I don't think I'll ever be able to cope with how badly college went for me. I'd go to lectures, take notes, read over them....and then look blankly at problem sets and exams feeling like a complete idiot when others in my class would get to grips with stuff much quicker and get really good marks. I can accept that they were more passionate about the subject than I was....but it still felt "unfair" in some sense that they were able to cope with things better than me.
Also a general lack of talent when it comes to anything to do with sports, DIY or art. Sure, you can improve how good you are at football or drawing but you also need a bit of natural talent and flair. I just have nothing in that regard.
To quote Gore Vidal: "Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little".
I get what you're saying about refusing to think negatively but it sounds really difficult. It would feel like I was constantly lying to myself or living in denial. Still, if it would be less disappointing than living as the real me then I guess I could give it a try.
Thanks for the reply again Jimmy, your words always provide food for thought.
I did quite bad in my Leaving Cert, (well, to what I should have got). And it made me terrified to go to college, fear I'd just do terribly all over again.
I took 5 years out, and I'll be going this September.
I have a few supports, which is very important.
If your head is filled with feeling miserable/stupid/like a failure/not good enough etc, and then anxiety/frustration for it.
You're not going to do well.
It's like having a virus in your computer that hogs all your memory. It's next to impossible to do anything on that computer.
The human mind isn't much different.
This doesn't mean you don't have something you're good at, or that you can't go back and study again.
It does mean that it would help if you cleared the virus first though. And therapy has been the best for that.
You also can't compare yourself to other people, ever. because that more often than not, just makes you feel bad.0 -
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looking_around wrote: »I did quite bad in my Leaving Cert, (well, to what I should have got). And it made me terrified to go to college, fear I'd just do terribly all over again.
I took 5 years out, and I'll be going this September.
I have a few supports, which is very important.
If your head is filled with feeling miserable/stupid/like a failure/not good enough etc, and then anxiety/frustration for it.
You're not going to do well.
It's like having a virus in your computer that hogs all your memory. It's next to impossible to do anything on that computer.
The human mind isn't much different.
This doesn't mean you don't have something you're good at, or that you can't go back and study again.
It does mean that it would help if you cleared the virus first though. And therapy has been the best for that.
You also can't compare yourself to other people, ever. because that more often than not, just makes you feel bad.
Good post, very interesting analogy, it's bang on imo!
Homer, you don't have to lie to yourself. That would be if you denied any feelings. You obviously think the negative self-talk is the truth but it's not. And all I'm saying is it is unnessecary. If you feel bad you're going to feel bad. But if you were your own child and they felt bad, would you add to it by calling them every name under the sun? Bully them? That is what you are doing to yourself.
When I think of the phrase 'love yourself' I don't think of it as in tell yourself your great, pretend you like the way the way you look etc. I just mean, don't be mean to yourself. If you said the things you say to yourself to someone else they would rightfully hate you.
I'll leave ye alone now My opinion is that I read things all the time that spark NEW thoughts, hoping if you get someone else's perspective you might at least spark a new thought. We both are stuck in repetitive thoughts so to give something someone else says some consideration for even a second could impact a day. 0 -
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Have seen three friends on Facebook sharing statuses about getting first class honours degrees in the past few days. Most of the people who did my MSc course got distintions. Why the hell are other people capable of these things and I'm not? It's not like I didn't try as hard. It's not like I had other passions or activities in my life that I devoted my time to instead; friends of mine who got similar marks to me all have talents in sport or music that I don't have. Nope, I'm just an inferior life form. Not as smart, not as talented, not as able.
How am I supposed to not talk negatively to myself when I am completely outperformed and outachieved by those around me? I know I've been told not to measure my self-worth by achievements but it seems completely alien not to, like admitting defeat or something. Sorry to be a broken record - another flaw to add to my already extensive list, I guess! :rolleyes: 0 -
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Deleted User wrote: »Have seen three friends on Facebook sharing statuses about getting first class honours degrees in the past few days. Most of the people who did my MSc course got distintions. Why the hell are other people capable of these things and I'm not? It's not like I didn't try as hard. It's not like I had other passions or activities in my life that I devoted my time to instead; friends of mine who got similar marks to me all have talents in sport or music that I don't have. Nope, I'm just an inferior life form. Not as smart, not as talented, not as able.
How am I supposed to not talk negatively to myself when I am completely outperformed and outachieved by those around me? I know I've been told not to measure my self-worth by achievements but it seems completely alien not to, like admitting defeat or something. Sorry to be a broken record - another flaw to add to my already extensive list, I guess! :rolleyes:
I know what you mean.
I was looking through some linkedin profile of people who worked in an area I was trying to changing into.
One guy had literally a perfect CV - he had done all the courses and work experience that I would wish to have done at his age and gotten stellar grades too.
He'd be 10-15 years younger than me. So its a harsh realization that I will never be as successful as him in this field.
( All right there is a tiny chance but its 1 in a ten thousand maybe.)
On the other side I've come through tough times in my own life and have done well to be in a position to even enter this field even if its 10 years too late in comparison to this other guy.
The way I tryand look at other people's "success" is that I had a lot of depression/anxiety to get through to get where I am. And when you take that into account I'm doing ok.
And I think that would be the same for you 0 -
The way I tryand look at other people's "success" is that I had a lot of depression/anxiety to get through to get where I am. And when you take that into account I'm doing ok.
And I think that would be the same for you
I see what you're saying and I honestly do try to look at that too. But while I can take that into account, employers and recruiters won't. They don't give a shít that I dealt with a lot of personal problems throughout my degree, they just take one look at my CV and grades and throw it away without even giving me a chance. Every time I apply for a job and get a rejection, or in most cases don't even get a reply, it's basically being told "you're not good enough". So how am I meant to have self belief when I'm constantly being bombarded with reminders of how inadequate I am? 0 -
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Deleted User wrote: »Have seen three friends on Facebook sharing statuses about getting first class honours degrees in the past few days. Most of the people who did my MSc course got distintions. Why the hell are other people capable of these things and I'm not? It's not like I didn't try as hard. It's not like I had other passions or activities in my life that I devoted my time to instead; friends of mine who got similar marks to me all have talents in sport or music that I don't have. Nope, I'm just an inferior life form. Not as smart, not as talented, not as able.
How am I supposed to not talk negatively to myself when I am completely outperformed and outachieved by those around me? I know I've been told not to measure my self-worth by achievements but it seems completely alien not to, like admitting defeat or something. Sorry to be a broken record - another flaw to add to my already extensive list, I guess! :rolleyes:
I#m going to repeat this.
"If your head is filled with feeling miserable/stupid/like a failure/not good enough etc, and then anxiety/frustration for it.
You're not going to do well.
It's like having a virus in your computer that hogs all your memory. It's next to impossible to do anything on that computer."
You need to stop talking bad about yourself, so you have energy to do the things you want.
I know the cycle you are in, and its specifically why I took a few years out before going to college. The others are likely not beating themselves up or being so harsh on themselves.
On that, studying isnt for everybody, it's extremely stressful and without the right supports, can really test your mental health. Have you thought of taking a break? And are you currently in counselling?
Please do be kind to yourself, dealing with depression and feelings of worthless is tough. It's important to remind yourself to be proud for doing your best and that you are going through a difficult time.0 -
Deleted User wrote: »I see what you're saying and I honestly do try to look at that too. But while I can take that into account, employers and recruiters won't. They don't give a shít that I dealt with a lot of personal problems throughout my degree, they just take one look at my CV and grades and throw it away without even giving me a chance. Every time I apply for a job and get a rejection, or in most cases don't even get a reply, it's basically being told "you're not good enough". So how am I meant to have self belief when I'm constantly being bombarded with reminders of how inadequate I am?
Please remember only 1 out of 1000 CV's get an interview. Have you looked at disability supports? There's a service that helps people with disabilities get jobs. This can help you get an employer who will know what you've been through, a little of your life experiences. There are slots of people with disabilities. (as employers get I think 50% of the full time wage back from the government.)
Maybe looking at that would be advantageous?
Have you looked at turning your past experiences into positives, things you've learned from them? Have you gotten help writing a CV? When we're thinking negatively, sometimes we end up highlighting the negativity, even in our CV's.
___Gongoozler wrote: »I spend my weekend with my boyfriend, see him once or twice during the week, the other evenings in generally just relax, enjoy time to myself. Sometimes watch documentaries, but mostly just boards really. Which seeing it written down makes it seem an awful waste of time. I sometimes get out for a jog or cycle. I'm often feeling that I don't get time for things. The thought of starting a class makes me feel I'd be putting myself under pressure. Besides, I have no interest in almost anything.
Ok, The less we do, the less we feel we have time for. Seriously.
So you watch documentaries.. you must have quite a bit of general knowledge?
You have some interest in things...or you wouldn't watch documentaries.
If starting class puts you under pressure... what about an online class? Also you might find if you try a class you'll actually enjoy it.
I've started yoga recently, was absolutely terrified about it. Made myself feel like I can't. But going the once made me feel a little better about it, that I went again. A class can be once a week. Is it really time you don't have? or is something else holding you back?
as for not having an interest. You need to let yourself have an interest. Try different things.
Are there other emotions holding you back there?
Also, your boyfriend obviously sees something in you. Talk to your boyfriend. Maybe try something with him.
Me and my partner have started mountain biking together. It's been great. On my own I'd never go daily(probably not even weekly). But he has the motivation and it pulls me along.0 -
Deleted User wrote: »I see what you're saying and I honestly do try to look at that too. But while I can take that into account, employers and recruiters won't. They don't give a shít that I dealt with a lot of personal problems throughout my degree, they just take one look at my CV and grades and throw it away without even giving me a chance. Every time I apply for a job and get a rejection, or in most cases don't even get a reply, it's basically being told "you're not good enough". So how am I meant to have self belief when I'm constantly being bombarded with reminders of how inadequate I am?
Well see I worry for you Homer because when you get sorted job-wise (just humour me on that without saying you'll never be sorted ) you may be surprised that nothing will be any different. You know you're brain has been honing and strengthening its skill at sensing and recording any information that will constantly reaffirm the hypothesis. Its main goal at the moment is to make itself feel good about being right about this hypothesis. That is it's reason-to-be at the moment. Like Jason Bourne where he can tell you the registration plates of cars outside without even thinking about it, cos his mind is sensitive to a certain kind of information and has been programmed for a single purpose. He probably wouldn't be as good at telling you what kind of gucci shoe a woman was wearing, he'd be essentially BLIND to that.
If you get that job and are objectively on par with the people you are putting on a pedestal, your brain will keep filtering different things to reaffirm the original hypothesis because that is its programming at the moment.
All I'm saying is you should consider that no matter the circumstances, your mind in the last few years does what it's been practicing. Consider that the changes in variables outside of yourself MIGHT not be where your attention should be. I'm imagining myself looking at an animated 2d graph plotting all the variables in my life on x and y axes and how what I am essentially doing is looking at the raw data on it, these arbitrary fluctuations, and being happy or sad. Looking at a graph, variables changing, 'oh y = 5 on that one! YAY' 'oh **** y = 1 over here'
As usual talking to myself as much as you :P0 -
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Call Me Jimmy wrote: »Well see I worry for you Homer because when you get sorted job-wise (just humour me on that without saying you'll never be sorted ) you may be surprised that nothing will be any different. You know you're brain has been honing and strengthening its skill at sensing and recording any information that will constantly reaffirm the hypothesis. Its main goal at the moment is to make itself feel good about being right about this hypothesis. That is it's reason-to-be at the moment. Like Jason Bourne where he can tell you the registration plates of cars outside without even thinking about it, cos his mind is sensitive to a certain kind of information and has been programmed for a single purpose. He probably wouldn't be as good at telling you what kind of gucci shoe a woman was wearing, he'd be essentially BLIND to that.
If you get that job and are objectively on par with the people you are putting on a pedestal, your brain will keep filtering different things to reaffirm the original hypothesis because that is its programming at the moment.
All I'm saying is you should consider that no matter the circumstances, your mind in the last few years does what it's been practicing. Consider that the changes in variables outside of yourself MIGHT not be where your attention should be. I'm imagining myself looking at an animated 2d graph plotting all the variables in my life on x and y axes and how what I am essentially doing is looking at the raw data on it, these arbitrary fluctuations, and being happy or sad. Looking at a graph, variables changing, 'oh y = 5 on that one! YAY' 'oh **** y = 1 over here'
As usual talking to myself as much as you :P
Amen to that Call Me Jimmy and I would like to expand on it if you don't mind. .
I have learned a very basic, simple truth about myself, that has changed my life so much its not funny. The hardest part of it was surrendering my negative thoughts and beliefs.
I had to find the humility to accept that I was no longer able to enjoy my life the way I was living and interpreting it. So, I put my faith in techniques like CBT and meditating to help me get a better grounding.
In short, what I feel inside is not always a reflection of what goes on around me. Whether its negative or positive, I can be completely self absorbed. I learned that constantly thinking "I am a piece of sh*t/useless" is being self absorbed. People don't like to hear these things about themselves (I certainly didn't) but self denial prevents them from breaking free of the lifelong habits that they have normalised.
I have learned that the only way I can find true peace/serenity in this world is by finding peace from within myself. Only then can I deal with life situations that used to upset me to the point of absolute anxiety/fear/depression. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand that if you are self sufficient on an emotional level, you wont be affected as much by things that go on around you.
I heard a very interesting explanation of how people can create "alibi's" that only serves to maintain and compound their depressed state -- If only I did better in exams
- If only I had a partner
- If only I had a good childhood
- If only I had more friends
- If only I had nice friends
- If only I had children
- If only I had more money
- Etc etc etc
I am not speaking from an ivory tower, looking down on people because I was there. I was full of self loathing and just wishing that life would either start being the way it should be or just end.
I had to accept that I no longer had an answer to how I felt. I had to accept that I needed help and I had to actively look for that help. I had to prioritise my mental health over everything (no excuses - exams, work , family etc). It was my responsibility and it was the single most important thing I needed to work on . .
I have logged a lot of my progress on this forum if people want to look back on it . .
But I read people writing the exact same emotions on this forum that I felt. The story might be different and the circumstances may be different, but the feelings at the end of it are usually the same that I felt.
It doesn't matter how or why a person is feeling low/depressed. It only matters what they intend on doing about it. Blaming people/places or things for my feelings solved nothing and only led to me wrecking my own head . . "If only I made more money", "If only that person had of not done this" etc . . This solves nothing for me . .
When I learned to start looking at myself did I begin a true journey of enlightenment. Its truly a beautiful thing to actually see the world in a more positive light. Its amazing to be able to enjoy simple things and be able to deal with knockbacks in life that used to destroy my self esteem and happiness. .
The biggest problem in my rehabilitation was me. I had to accept I needed to learn basic human skills (CBT). I had to accept that I had been letting my feelings control me. I had to accept that I was relying on people/places/things in my life dictate how I felt and how I perceived everything in my life. I had to accept that I needed to learn a better way of living. .
Finally, after all this, I HAD TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I used to think about all sorts of things in my life and then do nothing . I would think so hard and play out loads of scenarios in my head until eventually I would come to a conclusion "after careful consideration of this option I think it will not work" and I would do nothing . .
This was my old thinking trying to keep me stuck in the permanent rut. I didn't know any better. .
But I needed a new way of thinking and I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own. My own thinking got me to seriously low points in my life, it was crazy for me to think that this same mind could get me out of it.
I reached out for help from those who I could relate to (on this forum/friends) and who had recovered and trusted their advice. I had a trusted GP whom helped guide me to CBT. My therapist helped guide me to a more balanced state where I could finally see my life for what it was. I could finally see a more balanced view of the world and things didn't feel quite as bad as I had thought . .
I have learned through different support groups that I can only say what has worked for me. If people can connect with my story they can choose to try and use it as support for themselves. Alternatively they can choose to be a victim of their mind, perhaps just taking the negatives from this post ("so the poster is saying I'm self absorbed or full of self pity") . .
Luckily for me, after CHOOSING to be the victim for decades, I eventually took ACTION to change my outlook and my enjoyment in life . .0 -
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I cant cook. I mean, 3 years ago I would have burned water. I would look up google for things like "how to boil an egg".
Now I still cant cook... BUT I can feed myself. I can make about three dishes, three of my favourites like lasagne, curry and chilli. That's it, that's what I can cook now but compared to before I'm a fncking cordon bleu, 5 michellin starred mofo!
I'm still not good at cooking but I'm much *better* than I would have been before and that alone really raises my spirits. I like to eat what I cook and I feel a sense of satisfaction because of the improvement not the level.
Try taking something you are not good at but would LIKE to be better at and give it a really good shot at improving (no self-sabotage, no defeating yourself before you even try). You might surprise yourself, I sure as feck did!
I'm not great at cooking,
but there's one dish that always comes out perfect. (because it's my favourite)
Roast chicken, and recently, I decided to learn how to make fresh roast spuds. Felt great making them spuds the first time! (and not using the frozen alternative.) Even the times I've completely messed them up (over boiled them... it was like ~ah well, mash now~ ..I still felt good for trying.)
I don't have an interest in cooking, but boy, I do love cooking me a roast. Always makes a bad day better. ^^. favourite foods
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Call Me Jimmy wrote: »Well see I worry for you Homer because when you get sorted job-wise (just humour me on that without saying you'll never be sorted ) you may be surprised that nothing will be any different.
I know, you're probably right. I know getting a job isn't gonna magically make everything better but it would still be a huge relief and a big confidence boost to help me. Right now it's just so exhausting and disheartening spending hours fixing my CV, perfecting a cover letter, reading up on application/interview tips etc. only to be discarded without a second thought. It's almost impossible to view the positives in myself when I am essentially thought of as worthless by so many hirers out there.
I know if/when I get something I'll probably find something else to be miserable about, 'cause my brain seems to work that way, but for now getting my foot in the door somewhere is what I need to do to help make me feel some bit worthwhile again. The longer I keep getting nowhere, the more like a complete failure I feel.0 -
RossFixxxed wrote: »Post to Boards on Depression thread: DONE!
Get a nice coffee: DONE!
Check mailbox: DONE!
I do this exact thing in work !! I put [DONE] Like this though.
It gives a great sense of control and takes 5 mins or less in the morning.
Its esp good to have as a habit so I do it even when I feel like I'm too busy to waste the 5 mins 0 -
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Another thread reminded me of something to put in my, "hey, I'm good at something" column. I thwarted robberies on our family business twice. Disarmed a gun toting pair of armed robbers. (Turned out to be starter pistol) and pulled off a thief with a knife to my brothers throat and identified him to the guards.
i.e. I'm good/calm under pressure....which is ironic, given that it seems I have mild GAD.
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