LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

0byme75341jo28

Talking about it doesn't make me feel good.

Esel

Cora Melodic Seed wrote: »

Talking about it doesn't make me feel good.

Not now, maybe. But keep talking (preferably to an expert) and see what happens. Feeling good comes later.

looking_around

Cora Melodic Seed wrote: »

Talking about it doesn't make me feel good.

I used to feel like that at the beginning, and also "what's the point of talking, it won't change anything."

But a problem shared is a problem halved.

Often talking can help clear your mind, so you're not running with the same thoughts over and over and over and over again.
When you clear that mind, talking to others can help enter positive thoughts instead, and slowly hopefully, build a barrier against the negative soul sucking demon.

It also allows others to support you, which, the more I do this, the more I accept that I AM deserving of help, and people can help.
it has really improved my coping ability.

I imagine the same could be for you, if given the chance.

Has anyone here had any problems with declaring a history of anxiety/depression on pre-employment medical forms? I got a provisional job offer and filled out a medical questionnaire as a requirement. The questions asked included had I ever suffered from depression or seen a psychiatrist. I answered the questions honestly, because I didn't want to lie on the form, but I'm a little paranoid about the chances of the offer being withdrawn. I tried to make it as clear as possible that it wouldn't affect my work performance or anything but I'm still nervous.

0byme75341jo28

So I went to the doctor today and got some stuff called Lustral off him. Feel very, very strange after it, although it is my first time on anything so that could be why. My whole face feels like it's tingling, I get really dizzy when I stand up, my sight goes all colourful (hard to explain) if I try to move around, and I'm extremely giddy, but moody at the same time, kinda like being drunk without the fun of it. Might just lie down in bed for the rest of the night, don't feel great moving around the house...

DeVore

Deleted User wrote: »

Has anyone here had any problems with declaring a history of anxiety/depression on pre-employment medical forms? I got a provisional job offer and filled out a medical questionnaire as a requirement. The questions asked included had I ever suffered from depression or seen a psychiatrist. I answered the questions honestly, because I didn't want to lie on the form, but I'm a little paranoid about the chances of the offer being withdrawn. I tried to make it as clear as possible that it wouldn't affect my work performance or anything but I'm still nervous.

Tbh, if they were going to be put off by that, then you really probably don't want to be working for them
Imho, if you don't feel comfortable divulging that information (and its a bit f*cking questionable of them to ask) then I wouldn't think twice about saying nothing. Its not like you are applying for insurance or anything, you are under no obligation to answer that truthfully. I doubt it will work against you but if it is weighing on your mind, simply ignore the question in future.

0byme75341jo28

Just out of curiosity, are employers allowed discriminate against people if they've suffered from mental illness in the past? I wouldn't have thought so to be honest, and it seems like the kind of thing that's so widespread that they couldn't afford to be picky about it.

DeVore

DeVore wrote: »

Tbh, if they were going to be put off by that, then you really probably don't want to be working for them
Imho, if you don't feel comfortable divulging that information (and its a bit f*cking questionable of them to ask) then I wouldn't think twice about saying nothing. Its not like you are applying for insurance or anything, you are under no obligation to answer that truthfully. I doubt it will work against you but if it is weighing on your mind, simply ignore the question in future.

I was worried that not disclosing it would potentially leave me open to future repercussions if things did get worse again. When I had the form completed the confirmation page stated that further information would be needed and someone would be in touch.

The past few months have been tough due to my failure to secure employment; I've made progress with dealing with other issues that had affected me and now the prospect of actually having a job and being able to be independent would be a huge boost for me. The thought of having that potentially taken away because I was too honest for my own good is terrifying....I'm sure it will be ok but I just wanna fast forward the weekend now so I can get confirmation that everything's ok and that I'll be starting work soon.

looking_around

Deleted User wrote: »

I was worried that not disclosing it would potentially leave me open to future repercussions if things did get worse again. When I had the form completed the confirmation page stated that further information would be needed and someone would be in touch.

The past few months have been tough due to my failure to secure employment; I've made progress with dealing with other issues that had affected me and now the prospect of actually having a job and being able to be independent would be a huge boost for me. The thought of having that potentially taken away because I was too honest for my own good is terrifying....I'm sure it will be ok but I just wanna fast forward the weekend now so I can get confirmation that everything's ok and that I'll be starting work soon.

On the bolded part, not necessarily.

If things got worse, how will your employer know it's "again"? Anybody can develop depression/anxiety, previous history or not.
__
On the stressing over the weekend.
One thing my partner is always telling me "Don't let 'it' waste your evening. Because then that's twice as bad.". (particularly as I have to study now, and if I stress out I can't study ><.)
Point is, it;s done. You made the choice to be honest, it will either not matter. or it will, but you can't change it now. When you find out, you can decide in future if you will share that information again.

It's not the end of your job chances if they turn you down over it though. So go and enjoy the weekend.

Only worry about things, you can actively change.

(easier said than done, at times, but worth working on.)

0byme75341jo28

Is there a "normal" amount of time it takes for side effects to kick in? I've been getting some very strange flinching and involuntary muscle movement since I started on sertraline on Friday, I was thinking I was imagining it for the first few hours but I'm sure I'm not now. It's starting to affect my ability to walk comfortably and it's very hard to get to sleep when I'm moving so often, starting to think it might be reacting with something else I'm on. Just trying to find out what ye're experience has been, I'll speak to my doctor about it on Thursday unless I have to call him earlier if it gets worse in the meantime.

Feeling very paranoid as well after them, hoping that goes away soon...

Esel

Cora Melodic Seed wrote: »

Is there a "normal" amount of time it takes for side effects to kick in? I've been getting some very strange flinching and involuntary muscle movement since I started on sertraline on Friday, I was thinking I was imagining it for the first few hours but I'm sure I'm not now. It's starting to affect my ability to walk comfortably and it's very hard to get to sleep when I'm moving so often, starting to think it might be reacting with something else I'm on. Just trying to find out what ye're experience has been, I'll speak to my doctor about it on Thursday unless I have to call him earlier if it gets worse in the meantime.

Feeling very paranoid as well after them, hoping that goes away soon...

No experience, just general advice.

If you are worried, either talk to your pharmacist (in person; free...) or ring your doctor before Thursday. Tell them about your other medication - there might well be an issue there.

Otherwise, and IANAD, most side-effects are temporary. Having said that, do not hesitate to seek advice from your pharmacist or prescribing doctor.

wexie

Cora Melodic Seed wrote: »

Is there a "normal" amount of time it takes for side effects to kick in? I've been getting some very strange flinching and involuntary muscle movement since I started on sertraline on Friday, I was thinking I was imagining it for the first few hours but I'm sure I'm not now. It's starting to affect my ability to walk comfortably and it's very hard to get to sleep when I'm moving so often, starting to think it might be reacting with something else I'm on. Just trying to find out what ye're experience has been, I'll speak to my doctor about it on Thursday unless I have to call him earlier if it gets worse in the meantime.

Feeling very paranoid as well after them, hoping that goes away soon...

Probably not is the short answer, side effects by their definition aren't really normal, otherwise they'd just be called effects.

I was on sertaline (lusert) for 6 months and didn't get any of what you mentioned? You aren't having any grapefruit are you? My packages (bizarrely) always had the warning not to eat any grapefruit or grapefruit juice

But to be honest, I'd give it at least a week before you start worrying too much, one thing I've certainly noticed is that there are some effects when you just start taking something but they tend to wear off pretty quickly.

I was taking mirtazepam for a while (evil stuff (for me anyways), made me much much worse. But one of the effects was that it'd knock me flat on my ass. I'd have to time it properly when I took it in the evening, too early and I'd have to go to bed, too late and I couldn't wake up in the morning.

wexie

Esel wrote: »

No experience, just general advice.

If you are worried, either talk to your pharmacist (in person; free...) or ring your doctor before Thursday. Tell them about your other medication - there might well be an issue there.

Otherwise, and IANAD, most side-effects are temporary. Having said that, do not hesitate to seek advice from your pharmacist or prescribing doctor.

Have to echo that, my pharmacist has been super helpful always and he's just the friendliest guy, always make me feel like they actually care about my well being.

(It's Hickeys in Gorey, very much recommended)

Otis_taylor2

Hi all,

had a horrible day yesterday with all this anxiety and now i get that feeling of slowly withdrawing from everything (same as last year which resulted in me skipping lectures and failing a year).

How does one get over this reminder of failure in the past and actually move on? i feel that this deeply impacts all my interactions with people i meet - how i interact with them etc, and i am not able to be free.

DeVore

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

Hi all,

had a horrible day yesterday with all this anxiety and now i get that feeling of slowly withdrawing from everything (same as last year which resulted in me skipping lectures and failing a year).

How does one get over this reminder of failure in the past and actually move on? i feel that this deeply impacts all my interactions with people i meet - how i interact with them etc, and i am not able to be free.

I can very much identify.


What I do is also my mantra: Get Up, Get Out, Get On.
Get up out of the chair you are in or the bed or wherever. Get out of the house, no mopping about listlessly. Get on to your friends and family, they are normalising and will get you our of your own head. You need to fight REALLY HARD against that easy path of just withdrawing from everything. That's not taking you any where good and you know that.

Right now if you let your subconscious write the script or you let life wash you along wherever you want to go, you already know where that leads to. So, by logic, you have to take control against what you "want to do" (which I understand, I know the feeling of "pfff I just cant be bothered, I want to bail on everything). You have to take conscious control, which sucks and is a pain and I don't want to and waaah I want to go back to bed... NO! Get Up. Get out. Get on.
Its the hardest thing but either you fight this NOW, when you are still trying to fight it, or you know where this goes. Don't be a passenger in your own life. Forgive yourself the historical fnckups, everyone makes mistakes, why is the bar so damned high for you?
Take charge and drive forwards, don't wallow in looking back.

You had a horrible day yesterday. But today you can still choose where this one goes.

Otis_taylor2

DeVore wrote: »

I can very much identify.


What I do is also my mantra: Get Up, Get Out, Get On.
Get up out of the chair you are in or the bed or wherever. Get out of the house, no mopping about listlessly. Get on to your friends and family, they are normalising and will get you our of your own head. You need to fight REALLY HARD against that easy path of just withdrawing from everything. That's not taking you any where good and you know that.

Right now if you let your subconscious write the script or you let life wash you along wherever you want to go, you already know where that leads to. So, by logic, you have to take control against what you "want to do" (which I understand, I know the feeling of "pfff I just cant be bothered, I want to bail on everything). You have to take conscious control, which sucks and is a pain and I don't want to and waaah I want to go back to bed... NO! Get Up. Get out. Get on.
Its the hardest thing but either you fight this NOW, when you are still trying to fight it, or you know where this goes. Don't be a passenger in your own life. Forgive yourself the historical fnckups, everyone makes mistakes, why is the bar so damned high for you?
Take charge and drive forwards, don't wallow in looking back.

You had a horrible day yesterday. But today you can still choose where this one goes.

Thanks Devore but no family here and no friends either and those who can be categorized as friends of the family i havnt actually contacted them in a real long time. After this many years i don't think i've made that much of an effort making friends or i dont know what is wrong with me. Only if i had addressed these issues in the very beginning and sorted my head out i wouldn't have lost so much time.
I also feel the moment i tell people the reality of my situation that they may slowly start distancing themselves (its not just losing on year). And that becomes the reminder. People are judgmental, we all are.

but ill take this - Get Up, Get Out, Get On since this is my last chance and i can't mess it up.

guitarzero

How do ppl here find meaning in their lives? I think this is a major part of depression, for me anyway. Meaning brings with it work, friends and focus. Depression can damage these these areas hugely leading to more depression. We are encouraged to do things and meet ppl but if we cant find the true meaning in any of it then it doesnt last very long in it's effect. Relating to ppl is essentially meaningful. I fear that a lack of meaning in my life will always bring with it this depression. :-(

looking_around

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

Thanks Devore but no family here and no friends either and those who can be categorized as friends of the family i havnt actually contacted them in a real long time. After this many years i don't think i've made that much of an effort making friends or i dont know what is wrong with me. Only if i had addressed these issues in the very beginning and sorted my head out i wouldn't have lost so much time.
I also feel the moment i tell people the reality of my situation that they may slowly start distancing themselves (its not just losing on year). And that becomes the reminder. People are judgmental, we all are.

but ill take this - Get Up, Get Out, Get On since this is my last chance and i can't mess it up.

Friends is a tough one.

I've found 'online' friends to be much less judgemental. I've met a couple of my internet friends. Another has helped with some college expenses.
I couldn't count on that in person.

Mostly because I think, I'm quite "eccentric". It takes special people to put up with me. Finding those people isn't easy. and thats where the internet helps.
There's also the part where I pull away from people. Causing the distance I always blamed on others.

I've recently joined a "social group", HSE funded, it's a nice way to understanding people. Perhaps you could find out if something like that is around your area?

looking_around

guitarzero wrote: »

How do ppl here find meaning in their lives? I think this is a major part of depression, for me anyway. Meaning brings with it work, friends and focus. Depression can damage these these areas hugely leading to more depression. We are encouraged to do things and meet ppl but if we cant find the true meaning in any of it then it doesnt last very long in it's effect. Relating to ppl is essentially meaningful. I fear that a lack of meaning in my life will always bring with it this depression. :-(

Still struggle with this.

Set yourself a goal. Having something to work towards, gives purpose.
Also, help people or animals, Helping others often adds worth.

Meaning of life differs for everyone, though.

guitarzero

looking_around wrote: »

Still struggle with this.

Set yourself a goal. Having something to work towards, gives purpose.
Also, help people or animals, Helping others often adds worth.

Meaning of life differs for everyone, though.

Yeah. I had a bad acid trip during the summer and it has totally hollowed me out, disturbing existential thoughts and depression that comes with it. Some days are ok, some even better than ok, but for whatever reason some days are really mean and sinister to the point where I wanna hide and sleep it out.

I have heard helping ppl can work for your mood and since I decided to leave my job, due to depression, I might see if I can commit some time to volunteering or some form of AID. But talk is cheap. :-)

0byme75341jo28

wexie wrote: »

Probably not is the short answer, side effects by their definition aren't really normal, otherwise they'd just be called effects.

I was on sertaline (lusert) for 6 months and didn't get any of what you mentioned? You aren't having any grapefruit are you? My packages (bizarrely) always had the warning not to eat any grapefruit or grapefruit juice

But to be honest, I'd give it at least a week before you start worrying too much, one thing I've certainly noticed is that there are some effects when you just start taking something but they tend to wear off pretty quickly.

I was taking mirtazepam for a while (evil stuff (for me anyways), made me much much worse. But one of the effects was that it'd knock me flat on my ass. I'd have to time it properly when I took it in the evening, too early and I'd have to go to bed, too late and I couldn't wake up in the morning.

Nope no grapefruit, I was kinda like 'wtf? ' when I saw that too :pac:

I'll just wait to see the doctor, they're not as bad today anyway but they seem to get worse at night.

DeVore

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

Thanks Devore but no family here and no friends either and those who can be categorized as friends of the family i havnt actually contacted them in a real long time. After this many years i don't think i've made that much of an effort making friends or i dont know what is wrong with me. Only if i had addressed these issues in the very beginning and sorted my head out i wouldn't have lost so much time.
I also feel the moment i tell people the reality of my situation that they may slowly start distancing themselves (its not just losing on year). And that becomes the reminder. People are judgmental, we all are.

but ill take this - Get Up, Get Out, Get On since this is my last chance and i can't mess it up.

I dunno what age you are... I'm 44 and I really first decided to attack this head on at about 41... I have a very strong suspicion you are much younger than that... so I'm sorry, but that's nonsense about leaving it too late.

Secondly, no body, not a single person, has backed off me since I started to talk openly about mental health issues. I *thought* they would, I may have even thought they *had*... but they hadn't. And if they *had* then good luck to them, I don't need friends like that.
In fact I've found quite the opposite... by trusting and on occasion making myself vulnerable to them, I've deepened and strengthened the bond with some people. I'm not saying run out and tell the world, but I *am* saying don't lock yourself in a box, that's the last thing you need. The last thing any of us need.

If you haven't got friends (or feel you haven't) then that's the very first thing you need to tackle. Get out, meet people, find a hobby...don't just rot at home, staring at the four walls. I know you don't want to, that's not the point.. what you *want* is taking second place right now to what you *know you need*.

That's the crux of it there.... we all "want" to bury ourselves under the duvet some days (weeks!) but what we NEED is to tough it out and get out there and you will find its not as tough as you had thought it would be. I know, its a horrible drag at the start though...

Otis_taylor2

looking_around wrote: »

Friends is a tough one.

I've found 'online' friends to be much less judgemental. I've met a couple of my internet friends. Another has helped with some college expenses.
I couldn't count on that in person.

Mostly because I think, I'm quite "eccentric". It takes special people to put up with me. Finding those people isn't easy. and thats where the internet helps.
There's also the part where I pull away from people. Causing the distance I always blamed on others.

I've recently joined a "social group", HSE funded, it's a nice way to understanding people. Perhaps you could find out if something like that is around your area?

I agree. i had the same experience with a few people i came to know on the internet but didn't meet them in person. great people though, less judgemental.

Ill have a look an see if there is anything similar. I had a better day today. much better

Otis_taylor2

DeVore wrote: »

I dunno what age you are... I'm 44 and I really first decided to attack this head on at about 41... I have a very strong suspicion you are much younger than that... so I'm sorry, but that's nonsense about leaving it too late.

Secondly, no body, not a single person, has backed off me since I started to talk openly about mental health issues. I *thought* they would, I may have even thought they *had*... but they hadn't. And if they *had* then good luck to them, I don't need friends like that.
In fact I've found quite the opposite... by trusting and on occasion making myself vulnerable to them, I've deepened and strengthened the bond with some people. I'm not saying run out and tell the world, but I *am* saying don't lock yourself in a box, that's the last thing you need. The last thing any of us need.

If you haven't got friends (or feel you haven't) then that's the very first thing you need to tackle. Get out, meet people, find a hobby...don't just rot at home, staring at the four walls. I know you don't want to, that's not the point.. what you *want* is taking second place right now to what you *know you need*.

That's the crux of it there.... we all "want" to bury ourselves under the duvet some days (weeks!) but what we NEED is to tough it out and get out there and you will find its not as tough as you had thought it would be. I know, its a horrible drag at the start though...

I went to see a counselor later today and had a good chat with her. She even gave me a good advice tips on how to cope with the feeling i had (about past failures etc). I think I've got a better focus on everything now. Oh and i had a much better day today
I guess there are always good days and bad days.

I never gave much thought to my hobbies/interests that much thought before. But i think i've identified a few things that would really interest me and will be pursuing those.

I hope you all had a nice day

cristali

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie at this, so... Had a major breakdown in work, been to gp..depression...put on lustral 50mg, which I took for 3 days and felt completely suicidal, went back to gp and prescribed lexapro which I'm way too scared to take them after the first experience... Seeing a psychoterapist which helps a lot but paying €70/ week it's putting me into debt as a single mother with no benefits coz I choose to have too much of an ego...my q is how you cope with bad days ...been a bit of xena, the warrior princess and I find it very difficult to wake up some mornings feeling useless, weak, vulnerable, terrified, having really, really bad thoughts. Thanks in advance for your replies

DeVore

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

I went to see a counselor later today and had a good chat with her. She even gave me a good advice tips on how to cope with the feeling i had (about past failures etc). I think I've got a better focus on everything now. Oh and i had a much better day today
I guess there are always good days and bad days.

I never gave much thought to my hobbies/interests that much thought before. But i think i've identified a few things that would really interest me and will be pursuing those.

I hope you all had a nice day

Im sitting here as chuffed about that as Ireland beating Germany.

Well done on seeing a counsellor... its not nearly as scary as people think it will be is it!

Keep going, keep focusing and remember what you learned, sometimes really bad days are followed by great ones when you fight back.

DeVore

cristali wrote: »

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie at this, so... Had a major breakdown in work, been to gp..depression...put on lustral 50mg, which I took for 3 days and felt completely suicidal, went back to gp and prescribed lexapro which I'm way too scared to take them after the first experience... Seeing a psychoterapist which helps a lot but paying €70/ week it's putting me into debt as a single mother with no benefits coz I choose to have too much of an ego...my q is how you cope with bad days ...been a bit of xena, the warrior princess and I find it very difficult to wake up some mornings feeling useless, weak, vulnerable, terrified, having really, really bad thoughts. Thanks in advance for your replies

I know a secret.


We all wake up feeling useless, weak, vulnerable, terrified, having really, really bad thoughts sometimes. Your's sounds like a harder road then most but while I don't want to give you bad news, it probably means you need to fight harder than most too

So, here's the good news. You are doing the right things. My advice? Stop being Xena, its distancing you from who you really are and how you really feel which isn't good (its called dissociation and I did it a lot ). Take the meds, they aren't the same and you might find they work really well for you, everyone here on this thread seems to have different responses to different drugs.

Talk to your counsellor... ask if you can work out something like 50 euro a week? or go every second week if you have to. Most counsellors will find a way if you explain your situation.

Kill your ego before it kills you. Trust me on this one and honestly, if you take one thing from what I say, kill your ego... you will find it the most empowering and uplifting thing ever. When you allow yourself to be human, the weight of pressure to succeed and the unreal expectations of the ego lift and you can honestly find a peace and a happiness. With ego people can hurt you, people can say mean things to you and get to you. Without ego, its a lovely sea of calm... a lake of peace. If only I could find a way to stay there myself

wexie

cristali wrote: »

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie at this, so... Had a major breakdown in work, been to gp..depression...put on lustral 50mg, which I took for 3 days and felt completely suicidal, went back to gp and prescribed lexapro which I'm way too scared to take them after the first experience... Seeing a psychoterapist which helps a lot but paying €70/ week it's putting me into debt as a single mother with no benefits coz I choose to have too much of an ego...my q is how you cope with bad days ...been a bit of xena, the warrior princess and I find it very difficult to wake up some mornings feeling useless, weak, vulnerable, terrified, having really, really bad thoughts. Thanks in advance for your replies

Hi Cristali,

I'm sure there are many people coming along that will have much more profound advice, but here's a bit of practical advice :

1) talk to your GP, explain that 70 euro a week isn't an option and push for a referral to a psychiatrist. That should be covered by the HSE. It will depend on what the local waiting times and policies are though, in my case the local crowd insist you've tried to antidepressants to keep the waiting lists down.
2) if it's mostly work (you mentioned you had a breakdown at work?) then try to have a good think about whether or not work may just be the issue? (remember the old saying : before you decide you're depressed have a look around and see if you're not just surrounded by assholes?) Even if changing work isn't an option even just knowing that could be a great relief and help, once you know what the problem is you can start working on a solution.
3) try to talk to a good friend, it's been said here time and time again, talking is really really helpful, it's really bloody hard as well but try nonetheless
4) As a parent, now that you're off work for a bit, try to spend some fun time with the kid(s), won't have to cost anything, playground, walks, beach etc. etc. if you feel you're up to it, on my good days I realise that kids are really really great. If you could see yourself through your child's eyes you'd be all the better for it.

And try to remember, you're not alone in this, aside from the people on this forum I guarantee you there are people in your direct circle that have dealt with this, or are even dealing with this at this very moment.

You're on the road to getting better by having taken the first steps, may be a bumpy, pothole riddled, overgrown road but you're on it nonetheless!!!

guitarzero

cristali wrote: »

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie at this, so... Had a major breakdown in work, been to gp..depression...put on lustral 50mg, which I took for 3 days and felt completely suicidal, went back to gp and prescribed lexapro which I'm way too scared to take them after the first experience... Seeing a psychoterapist which helps a lot but paying €70/ week it's putting me into debt as a single mother with no benefits coz I choose to have too much of an ego...my q is how you cope with bad days ...been a bit of xena, the warrior princess and I find it very difficult to wake up some mornings feeling useless, weak, vulnerable, terrified, having really, really bad thoughts. Thanks in advance for your replies

Right with you on this. The mornings are the worst for me. I wake up pretty terrified, fear of being alone, and the thoughts that keep coming are dreadful to be honest. If I have nightmares or bad sleep it can f*ck up my entire day with anxiety. For whatever reason my agoraphobia is worse in the day time, sometimes avoiding going out.

What I've started doing is reading a bit from a book called When Panic Attacks, even in the mornings just as a reassurance. I take a few cups of tea if need be too. I also play music that gives me a lift. It's a trial and error, see what helps when it gets really bad.

wexie

DeVore wrote: »

I know a secret.


We all wake up feeling useless, weak, vulnerable, terrified, having really, really bad thoughts sometimes. Your's sounds like a harder road then most but while I don't want to give you bad news, it probably means you need to fight harder than most too

So, here's the good news. You are doing the right things. My advice? Stop being Xena, its distancing you from who you really are and how you really feel which isn't good (its called dissociation and I did it a lot ). Take the meds, they aren't the same and you might find they work really well for you, everyone here on this thread seems to have different responses to different drugs.

Talk to your counsellor... ask if you can work out something like 50 euro a week? or go every second week if you have to. Most counsellors will find a way if you explain your situation.

Kill your ego before it kills you. Trust me on this one and honestly, if you take one thing from what I say, kill your ego... you will find it the most empowering and uplifting thing ever. When you allow yourself to be human, the weight of pressure to succeed and the unreal expectations of the ego lift and you can honestly find a peace and a happiness. With ego people can hurt you, people can say mean things to you and get to you. Without ego, its a lovely sea of calm... a lake of peace. If only I could find a way to stay there myself

Have you ever thought of doing something useful with yourself? Like being a writer or something :P

Cristali, forgot to mention (Dev did though) of the 2 counsellors I've seen both had 'adaptable' rates depending on situation, don't be afraid to mention it they will be well accustomed to it and I'd say they'd rather see you at half the rate every week then see nobody at full rate.