LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

DeVore

Sounds like you are on the scale somewhere. IMHO, don't play the game of "other people's depression is worse than mine". Its an invalid game with no outcome.

If you want to do something about it, its very straight forward. Go to see a counsellor. Yes yes, I know what you are saying because I said all the responses myself. Shut up and if you really want to get better, swallow all that rubbish and go to see a counsellor.

Do it for the people around you but mostly do it for yourself. You deserve to be better and you CAN be, its really not a life sentence unless you choose to stick your head in the sand. Make the call today, don't let yourself put it on the long finger... whats more important than this?

QuantumP

After alternating in and out of depression since 2006 and avoiding talking about it due to pride, I finally let it all out to my other half towards the end of last year (its not like she didn't realise anyway). I haven't slipped under once in 2015, the longest I've ever gone!

DeVore

Quantum that's terrific, its great to hear!! Its the primary message of my OP and it remains the primary message I try to get across. Talk to someone you trust. They don't have to do anything, you don't have to do anything, just talk and let it out. There wont be a resolution but there will be a release...

I'm delighted to hear you are doing well, I had the very same experience, a long period of not "slipping under" as you put it. That's not to say it hasn't bothered me ever again, but its less frequent and less severe and I'm more capable of dealing with it now too.

I highly recommend talking to a counsellor too, for some simple Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (which is a very fancy term for minding where your mind wanders to, basically ). I did 6 weeks and while I chose to stick around a little longer (because I was basically enjoying it almost at that point), the stuff I learned in those 6 weeks, when I apply it, is great and really helps in a preventative way.

Good luck and welcome to your new future

BOSWOLLOX

Hi, have been very inactive here these days. Just felt like venting and getting stuff off my chest. Some aspects of my life are going well at the moment, and I'm so far ahead compared to the last time I posted on this forum a year and a half ago. Job is kicking off now for the past month, after finishing internship in the same place. Also, athletics going well(this is the biggest part of my life). Last time I was here, I was very concerned about improving these two things. I really appreciate that this is happening. To be honest I don't want to think what sort of state I'd be in otherwise. Life would feel completely meaningless.

The problem is my depression and anxiety are still very bad(not as regular as a year ago, but still at same intensity as ever(if that makes sense)). I tend to procrastinate about getting help for these things. I find it hard to talk about these things. Sometimes I am able to pretend things are great, but then I feel overwhelmed with guilt like I have just told a big lie. The social anxiety is fueling the depression. Meeting new people is so difficult. Always get paranoid that they might not be interested. It is worst talking to someone and having a great chat and they seem enthusiastic, but then after that it is like they have had enough and don't want to meet up. Constantly happening when I'm introduced to people/talk to people at meetup.com. Hate that this keeps going on. I feel like I am restricted, and maybe I just find it hard to communicate in a way that people would want to know me better. It sucks and I feel crippled with depression when I have too much time to think.

DeVore

I'm really delighted for you on the first score... the athletics is a great way to combat depression too, keep focusing on those two things. You already acknowledge that you are doing well at them!

On the second paragraph, you know what you need to do. Stop not doing it.
Pick up the phone, make an appointment to see a counsellor and fight back against the thing that is hurting you. Stop making reasons to cover over your fear of talking about it or getting into it. Stop putting it off or saying next week next week.

You are in a great position, unlike some people you have your life coming together and you are getting on top of it. You know what you need to do, you know how to do it, its dead straightforward. It might not be EASY (actually it will be easier than you think, believe it or not), but it IS straightforward. You go here: http://www.counsellingdirectory.ie/ , find a counsellor in your area, pick up the phone and make an appointment.

Stop feeling crippled and start fighting back because by your own words, you have a lot worth fighting for.

Drumpot

Macavity. wrote: »

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depressive_realism

One of the reasons I can't embrace CBT. The above is something that I have believed since a very early age, long before Alloy and Abramson publicised it. The hypothesis seems incredibly accurate based on my experiences and observations.

Sorry, I realise posts like this are probably not encouraged on threads like this.

From personal experience, CBT has helped me find a balance in my life that no other treatment, councelling or medication had done in the 20+ years I had been trying to feel better.

While that link may suggest that CBT isn't 100% effective, I have to say that I am proof that it is effective to some people. I get annoyed when the scientific community shoots down certain things while offering no concrete alternative. If for example CBT works for 1 person in 100, it is better then nothing!

This may sound harsh, but if a person suffers from depression and anxiety, I personally think they are the last person who is in an objective position to diagnose and simultaneously recommend what might be the best course of action to remedy their poor mental health.

I have read books from famous "self help gurus" dismissing things (like CBT, certain medications, yoga, acupuncture, AA etc) that they clearly didn't understand in anyway. Very dangerous people IMO and so far up their own opinions to know their knowledge limits.

For me, it was only when I embraced change did I begin to make progress. This change involved accepting things about myself that weren't nice. I believe that self denial and ego can prevent some people (like me) getting out of a rut.

When I was reluctant to try certain recommendations or take my Doctors instructions I was basically relying on what I felt personally to guide me. My feelings and limited understanding of how I felt kept me stuck in a rut for decades. It was only when I surrendered "Sure what the f*ck do I know, I have tried everything my way for my life and I still feel awful", did I start to try out things that were recommended to me. In truth, I knew what I knew and I knew what I wanted to do, but I had to be prepared to do things I didn't want to do to find a more meaningful/serene way of living.

DeVore

Well, Macavity here's my take on that... (and by the way, there is little that is not encouraged on this thread, so long as its done with the wish to get better or help others... exploring things that might be stopping that with some people is ok imho).

I would definitely have, at times, convinced myself that I was seeing things more clearly than others and that the negative view was the accurate one while other people were "fooling themselves". I would pour scorn on people who would tell me that my life "was terrific and I had nothing to be down about". I would write them off in my head as misinformed or naïve or just plain stupid. I can be very cynical at times, not to mention egotistical

When you have a relative question like this, the only really proper way to answer the question is with empirical, objective data. So, an example might be a good friend of mine who has helped me along at times. Now, he challenges me very directly about certain things and we don't always agree and have rowed in the past. Also, I can be a bit paranoid and began to believe at times that he didn't really like my company and only stuck with me because he felt sorry for me etc.
I'm only offering this situation as an example of how I would weigh the situation. In this case I was dead wrong but that doesn't invalidate your point, nor do I mean it to, what I want to show is the method by which I can ascertain whether my view on something is clear or warped. Sometimes its one, sometimes the other.

I began to record the various positive or negative things that happened in our friendship and undeniably a trend emerged. Could he be dismissive? yes. Could he be emotionally rough and at times negligent? Absolutely. Was he about as subtle as a bull in a china shop? Definitely. But was he always there when I really, truly needed him? Yeah, undeniably. Every time I had a serious issue he was there for me.
In this way I could find north, as I call it. (remember, I have my own language for this thing, since I was nine ). Finding north is when I have an indisputable solid piece of evidence of X or Y and it exists outside my calculations and equations of how the world is. They are data points which must fit the hypothesis or the hypothesis is wrong.
When I'm depressed and my head wants to trash our friendship (because depression doesn't want you to be happy or have friends and it likes to convince you you have neither)... these points of data show me where north is. once I know that, I can guide myself. Once I know that, I can navigate without relying on my (now questionable) judgement.

This works in reverse too. There have been times when I have thought "Am I just depressed and maybe this event isn't as bad as I'm making it out to be". There again I can look at the data and see: No, I'm on solid ground here, I have a right to be pissed off or upset or down about this. But always, I have no right to wallow there.

So, you're objection to CBT (if you will allow me to put words in your mouth?) is that it advises one to stick your head in the sand and pointedly ignore the truth of a bad, situation. I would argue two things:

1. That might be the best thing for you, so as to avoid wallowing and making a bad situation worse or dragging other parts of your life into a downward spiral.

But more I would argue:
2. CBT taught me to correct my thinking when I started to day-dream into negative territory, or in fact to stop my mind wandering at all. It never taught me that life was just a big bundle of roses and that everything was really ok and I should perk up.

The question isn't whether depressives are more realistic about the situation or not, that can be taken care of by the evidence. The question for me is: How are you going to react to this situation.

In recent years I have become considerably better at NOT going into an unproductive, unhelpful deep funk about things that are genuinely bad. I still see them as bad, because that's the truth and I don't deny the truth, the change is in how I respond to the truth, not what I perceive as true.

DeVore

In fact, I did allude to this in my OP: "Lots of the people I know who have depression have it because they see TOO clearly rather than that they have poor intellects".

There's a lot of bad stuff in the world. Some of it is almost certainly impinging on your life. The question remains, how are you going to react to it.

Drumpot

Macavity. wrote: »

I'm not objecting to CBT - not at all, apologies if it came across like that. It's a natural treatment which helps a lot of people, and I have much more time for it than SSRIs/SNRIs which I actually do object to for various reasons (but that's another discussion). I'm not trying to belittle anyone's recovery through CBT, it definitely works for some people, and given the large amount of studies that show that, it would be stupid to say otherwise. But the hypothesis that I linked is one of the main reasons I believe it hasn't worked for me, along with the fact that my depression doesn't stem from any external issues in my life, rather external issues arise from my innate depression. I feel as if I could have anything in the world and it truly would make no difference to how I feel. Career progression, family, humanitarianism, relationships, status etc.. hold no real importance to me.

With regard to Alloy and Abramson's hypothesis. I've always noticed that the happiest of my acquaintances and friends are extremely unaware, not necessarily of currents affairs and such things, but just in general. They appear not to understand or pick up on social cues and signals. They read situations very poorly, and they are much happier for it. I don't know if it's some sort of defense mechanism, a forced ignorance that potentiates many of life's false hopes, but it works for them.

Ignorance is indeed bliss. Without trying to sound like a condescending pr*ck (but probably sounding like a condescending pr*ck! ) , I get the impression that there are a lot of people completely closed off to certain aspects of reality and the confuse what they think about something as an absolute fact. I speak from personal experience, there was a time I was absolutely certain about the things I knew/understood and didn't want to really understand/hear anything to the contrary.

My CBT teacher really challenged my thinking and my beliefs on many aspects of my life but what was most important was that I was ready to "learn" and be challenged. One of the things I learned is that in some cases, the more intelligent you are, the more difficult it can be to "get" CBT (and indeed other methods of therapy). In short, people who know a lot, can sometimes confuse their extensive knowledge with having wisdom or being enlightened, which isn't necessarily the case.

In my experience, the biggest hurdle for progress was me accepting that I just didn't know what was best for me. I had to forget about what I didn't think would work and actively engage (with an open mind) in new methods of therapy that were prescribed by professionals.

I believe most therapy is only as good as the commitment a person gives to it. On reflection, I believe that there might of been other avenues that might of helped me feel better, but I was introduced to CBT at a time in my life when I was more receptive to guidance.

Kayleigh..

Finally plucked up the courage to go to the student counselling service in NUIG and now I feel worse because of it.

Drumpot

Kayleigh.. wrote: »

Finally plucked up the courage to go to the student counselling service in NUIG and now I feel worse because of it.

I find my instinct is to isolate myself when I am feeling most vulnerable (anxiety/depression).

Perhaps you have taken a step out of your comfort zone and you are just feeling a little bit vulnerable to the unknown. If that sounds right, then its a perfectly normal response.

DeVore

Kayleigh... Yeah, its not an immediate release with everyone, sometimes it can drag up very uncomfortable things and may take time to work through them.

What you SHOULD feel good about is that you got in the game and took steps to get better. That's huge, that's really terrific. Keep going. "You only drown when you stop swimming."


Macavity... you aren't wrong about the ignorance is bliss thing. I know people and they are blissfully happy like they are smacked up on E all the time. Its just...I dunno... its actually kinda freaky.
Its like they live in a bubble of joy. Even putting horrible pictures of ISIS murders in front of them wouldn't budge them. But hey, who is to say they are wrong to be like that. Sure its delusional but I dunno *shrug*...

Personally I turned of the TV about 18 months ago and stopped watching Vincent Browne and I'm a LOT happier for it. I now strictly control the negative sh*t put into my circle of consciousness to the point where I have made it very clear to people if they start to tell me some terrible story of some woman who was blah blah blah. I don't need to know.

Its not wilful ignorance, well it kinda is I guess, but its ignorance of things that have no bearing on me, no impact on my life and that there is nothing I can do about. That's a psychic ball and chain I don't need and don't want. So yeah, its not coming into my life.

So yeah I've made my peace with the realities of my life and for me my death is a big part of that.... I accept the negatives but I don't have to maximise them and I don't have to be down about them... like my faults and my failings, they simple... are.

Kayleigh..

I've been in the past, back in August before I moved away for college. But I can't help but feel as though I'm back at square one and that upsets me tbh.

Drumpot

Kayleigh.. wrote: »

I've been in the past, back in August before I moved away for college. But I can't help but feel as though I'm back at square one and that upsets me tbh.

On Sunday I felt like I was back at square one.

On Tuesday I felt great and couldn't understand why I felt so bad on Sunday . .

How I feel at any given time is not necessarily a reflection of my progression or regression. I still get delusions of grandeur and still get depressed/depressed.

If you are like me, your rehabilitation will be gradual and there will be highs and lows.

It may not feel like it now but this too shall pass my friend..

DeVore

What Drumpot said. Every word.

BOSWOLLOX

I've decided I'm going to try hypnotherapy session for the depression and social anxiety. I'm curious to see what it is like really. Better to try something completely different than waiting for my problems to just disappear themselves. I am taking Monday off so I will do something very productive, and call to book an appointment that morning(I promise ). Can't wait to see how it might help me. Being your own enemy is exhausting. Sadly it is too easy to fight yourself all the time. The social anxiety has prevented me from taking any real risks in life so far, and I can't stop thinking of all the times I should have done/said stuff in social interactions. I know its not talked about much here, but hypnotherapy will be a risk worth taking

ShivaDark

I was starting to feel less depressed at the start of last month then on Valentine's Day someone ran my eldest cat over with their car and put her to side of the road (outside our house) and then stole her collar to make her look like a stray.

She used to fawn all over me, constantly trying to sit on me using her feline wiles to sneak onto my lap and if she couldn't get onto my lap she'd find a way to lay beside me with her head or an out-stretched paw on my leg.
I really miss her constant adoration, her whiny meow, her need to play fetch using a milk-ring at 5am and her adorable wee furry face. The other three cats aren't really bothered with me but the youngest has taken to sleeping on my lap now.

My boyfriend wants to get a kitten but I worry that it's too soon...
The cats seem less depressed now but I'm still struggling.

HARVEY_KINKLE

Been considering posting for a while but held back cos who cares right? But I guess expressing yourself is half the battle. I don't necessarily think I'm depressed, but it feels like I'm depressed, if that makes any sense. I can't sleep, can't concentrate, constantly worried and I wake up in the mornings feeling really bad about myself. Either way, the last week of my life has arguably been the worst, and it culminated with me crying for about 30 minutes in the shower earlier, guys cry too I guess. I contemplated calling into the counsellor on campus, sent an email to the welfare officer on campus, even considered calling in to the Chaplin, but didn't commit to any. I know why I feel like this (I screwed up royally) and now I'm so worried (physically sick worried) that my parents will never forgive me. Woe is me :-(

DeVore

Yeaaah, I'm not a counsellor or a psychologist but I think that pretty much sounds like you get the membership badge

Look, depression comes in all sorts of forms and has varying levels of severity for different people.
Three things jumped out at me about your post:
1. You are obviously not happy about the situation and its manifesting in all sorts of way, like sleep disruption and crying.

2. You want help but self-sabotage.

3. You think the people around you will never accept this and you are a burden and they will worry about you etc.

Those three, right there are pretty textbook for almost everyone I've ever met or heard of with depression.


And yes, expressing yourself is a big part of the road back to health. So well done on taking that step to post here. Wasn't too hard was it? Neither will be going to see the counsellor or chaplain or whoever you feel most comfortable with. Because that's the next step. And you need to take it too.

Good luck, you've turned the corner on this thing and you can take the steps to stamp it out of your life. So take them.

scrimshanker

HARVEY_KINKLE wrote: »

Been considering posting for a while but held back cos who cares right? But I guess expressing yourself is half the battle. I don't necessarily think I'm depressed, but it feels like I'm depressed, if that makes any sense. I can't sleep, can't concentrate, constantly worried and I wake up in the mornings feeling really bad about myself. Either way, the last week of my life has arguably been the worst, and it culminated with me crying for about 30 minutes in the shower earlier, guys cry too I guess. I contemplated calling into the counsellor on campus, sent an email to the welfare officer on campus, even considered calling in to the Chaplin, but didn't commit to any. I know why I feel like this (I screwed up royally) and now I'm so worried (physically sick worried) that my parents will never forgive me. Woe is me :-(

Try make an appointment with the counsellor, it often takes a while to be seen so if you make contact now it'll give you time to think things over. It does sound like you're very anxious, you should have some support at this time. Lots of people screw up royally and their parents find a way to get over it! Just as a silly example, today I skipped college, it annoyed my parents but they got over it. They had no choice - what's done is done. The bigger the thing, yeah, the longer it takes and harder for them it is to get over but that doesn't mean they'll never get past it.

Please don't go through this on your own. Whatever it is that seems so catastrophic right now, you aren't the first person in your situation, nor will you be the last. If you ever want to chat, feel free to PM.

DeVore

ShivaDark wrote: »

I was starting to feel less depressed at the start of last month then on Valentine's Day someone ran my eldest cat over with their car and put her to side of the road (outside our house) and then stole her collar to make her look like a stray.

She used to fawn all over me, constantly trying to sit on me using her feline wiles to sneak onto my lap and if she couldn't get onto my lap she'd find a way to lay beside me with her head or an out-stretched paw on my leg.
I really miss her constant adoration, her whiny meow, her need to play fetch using a milk-ring at 5am and her adorable wee furry face. The other three cats aren't really bothered with me but the youngest has taken to sleeping on my lap now.

My boyfriend wants to get a kitten but I worry that it's too soon...
The cats seem less depressed now but I'm still struggling.

Shiva, I'm a pet owner too so I can completely understand where you are coming from. Please take the time to grieve, that's right and proper and it WILL take time. But then you need to come back to the world and to move on... I'd be as devastated as you without my dog Josh, so that's hard to write, but ... eventually we have to just...move on.
Process the grief first, that's important, but don't use it as an excuse to indulge in depression because that's a disservice to yourself and your pet.

big hugs and best wishes.

HARVEY_KINKLE

DeVore wrote: »

Yeaaah, I'm not a counsellor or a psychologist but I think that pretty much sounds like you get the membership badge

Look, depression comes in all sorts of forms and has varying levels of severity for different people.
Three things jumped out at me about your post:
1. You are obviously not happy about the situation and its manifesting in all sorts of way, like sleep disruption and crying.

2. You want help but self-sabotage.

3. You think the people around you will never accept this and you are a burden and they will worry about you etc.

Those three, right there are pretty textbook for almost everyone I've ever met or heard of with depression.


And yes, expressing yourself is a big part of the road back to health. So well done on taking that step to post here. Wasn't too hard was it? Neither will be going to see the counsellor or chaplain or whoever you feel most comfortable with. Because that's the next step. And you need to take it too.

Good luck, you've turned the corner on this thing and you can take the steps to stamp it out of your life. So take them.

Ugh, I was hoping for someone to tell me I was just sulking or being a baby or something. Ah no, I appreciate it, thanks. I tend to keep things in, it's the only child in me. Just can't help but feel what I did will really hurt my parents, like make them not want to trust me anymore. As you can probably tell, I'm very close with my parents, I care more about them than I do myself hence why I feel so bad now, worse than I've ever felt before.

scrimshanker

HARVEY_KINKLE wrote: »

Ugh, I was hoping for someone to tell me I was just sulking or being a baby or something. Ah no, I appreciate it, thanks. I tend to keep things in, it's the only child in me. Just can't help but feel what I did will really hurt my parents, like make them not want to trust me anymore. As you can probably tell, I'm very close with my parents, I care more about them than I do myself hence why I feel so bad now, worse than I've ever felt before.

Hi Harvey,

I'm sorry for how rambly this turned out, but maybe you can relate to some of it. The first thing I wanted to say is that if it helps, what you're feeling is very normal. I can really relate to the underlined bit. I spent a lot of time trying to "snap myself out of it" and giving out to myself for sulking when there's nothing wrong with me and I should have had more cop on and this and that and the other and tbh, I was never short of "should"s to tell myself. I'm really good at calling myself names, as well.

I have literally spent years thinking

"No, not me. I don't have mental health problems, I'm just lazy".

Eventually, though, it got to a point where these episodes of extreme guilt and self loathing, the horrible feeling of dread that everything is ruined... They kept coming back.

It got to the point where I had to admit that "Yes, something is wrong. It's not just me being lazy, something is actually wrong".

The weight of evidence eventually stacked up against my idea that there was nothing wrong and I should snap out of it. Not because the type of reaction was strange - like if you feel you've disappointed someone it's normal to feel sad and maybe guilty - but the magnitude of it was off.

Recently I had exams. Everyone was stressed about them but I went into complete and absolute meltdown mode and I'm still trying to drag myself out of it. If I made a mistake, that was ALL I could think about and it absolutely meant that I definitely failed the exam and my career is over. Other people had a healthier approach of "That went badly, but look, there's always the repeats". They were still stressed and upset, but I was consumed by it.

Admitting that there's something wrong is such an incredibly difficult step to take. There's no physical symptom in that you can't take a temperature and say "Aha! There it is! A fever, must be an infection". I found I had so much self doubt, I felt guilty about posting here a couple of years back because, sure what had I to complain about when all these other people had diagnoses and I was just being lazy at home not getting out of bed. The reality is, though, I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't go into work that day. I couldn't look after myself. I couldn't stop giving myself a hard time over all the things I didn't do that day (because I couldn't).

You say you've done something that will really hurt your parents and make it hard for them to trust you. These things happen. Everyone makes mistakes. It sounds like your relationship with your parents is great. You're their child, they love you and only want the best for you. Whatever has happened may upset them or frighten or disappoint them, but that won't mean they'll stop caring about you. Maybe they will find it hard to trust you for a while, but trust can be rebuilt.

If you don't feel comfortable talking here, or by PM with anyone on boards, about what has happened that has brought your distress to a head, would you consider talking to the Samaritans? Keeping it to yourself and bottling all these feelings up won't make the problem go away, but talking to someone can help to put things in perspective, and it really can help with how you're feeling. Please don't go through this alone.

DeVore

The number of people I know or have heard absolutely steadfastly denying that they have a mental health issue is ludicrous. I know one person who swears they don't have depression while taking Lexapro .

I've grown tired of it. Hence the very first thing in my OP is a single line saying "I suffer from depression."

There it is. So fncking what. I suffer from depression. I'm not a murderer, a rapist, a thief, a politician!

I, occasionally, find myself the subject of depression.


And I had flu last month.

Calibos

They could be on lexapro for anxiety DeVore.

In hindsight I had the beginnings of GAD for a year before I sought treatment. What made me seek treatment was the premature death of one of our dogs in February 2013 which devastated me and which turned the dial up to 11 on what turned out to be physiological anxiety symptoms. (Edgyness, palpitations, sensitivity to noise etc)

Ending up in tears in the Doctors and prolonged grief made depression an obvious diagnosis to make. I was put on ciprimil first which didn't work at all but Cymbalta seemed to eventually 'work' in so far as the chronic grief abated (naturally for all I now as plenty of time had now passed at that point) and the anxiety symptoms abated.

However the side effects didn't seem worth it. When I thought about things, if one put aside the grief and the time of around that grief, I didn't 'feel' any better than the year before my dogs death. That is to say, I felt perfectly fine except for the physical anxiety symptoms for that year before. I didn't feel depressed at all. The cymbalta had removed the anxiety symptoms and mentally I felt as fine but no better than that year before.

I concluded that maybe I didn't have depression at all and that my only issue was anxiety and that it was unfortunately my presentation at the time of my dogs death that led to the doctor diagnosing depression.

I came off the Cymbalta and mentally I still felt 'fine'. The anxiety physical symptoms did come back though but are managed now with the beta blocker Inderal which helps with my high Blood pressure too and when it gets to the point of edgyness, a single 0.25mg Xanax does the trick. 14 tablets last me about 7-8 weeks. This usage is in the hapenny place apparently. You'd want to be on at least a 1mg a day for several weeks to run into trouble with addiction.

Had 2 weeks in a row there though where my anxiety got bad enough that I needed to take a xanax 3 days in a row each of those two weeks and where my baseline anxiety was raised but not quite to the point of feeling like I needed a xanax.

I said to myself that if that baseline maintains itself and I start needing to take several xanax a week going forward than I might reexamine the SSRI option. I 'feel' fine. Im not 'down' and yet at the same time the physical edgyness and lack of ability to focus when an anxiety episode hits for no reason out of the blue, is extremely debilitating. An SNRI worked for that in the past and I have no problem giving an SSRI like Lexapro a try if I need to in the future. (I'll try Lexapro instead next time because it agrees with other family members who never got on with SNRI's)

Its not that I have a problem with a depression diagnosis. When I thought I had depression I felt no embaressment telling people I had depression. I just don't think I did have it as it turns out.

Lollipops23

I'm just feeling really down the last few weeks. I'm homesick, don't like my job and generally just feel a bit rubbish. It got so bad this morning that I was looking up flights to see if I could just pack up in the next few weeks and go home (despite being due home anyway in June).

Just miss my friends and family so much I've made some amazing mates here too, and have been trying to fill my spare time as much as I can with them, but it's just not the same.

DeVore

Do you want the good news or the bad news...

The good news is that that, to me, doesn't sound like depression. You are feeling down and blue but you are looking at solutions and aware that other parts of your life (new friends etc) are "amazing".

The bad news is that you are still feeling a horrible sense of homesick blues and nothing I've said should be taken as belittling or diminishing that. My heart goes out to you, I know its tough being away from home.
The positive is that you wont wake up 6 months from now feeling the same way and wondering why or feeling like you want to give up and roll over in the bed and not see anyone again, ever.

Like I said, don't take that as diminishing how you might feel now, its rotten feeling homesick, I know that as I'm a big home-bird myself. The only positive is that my personal (non-medical!) opinion is that that doesn't sound like classic depression to me. I'm sure that doesn't seem like much of a positive right now. *hugs*.

Lollipops23

DeVore wrote: »

I'm sure that doesn't seem like much of a positive right now. *hugs*.

I think you're right and it's not actual "depression" as opposed to just feeling really down. I know there's a world of difference

I do suffer badly with anxiety in general though, so this isn't helping matters there. I've noticed a few of people here (Irish in Toronto) have suddenly experienced anxiety out of nowhere and have been freaked out by it (one friend insisted she was having a heart attack, turned out to be a particularly rough panic attack). Being away like this can be really stressful, and the worst part is that sometimes you don't even realize how stressed you are until it catches up with you and scares the hell out of you.

I guess I should be grateful that I know what an anxiety attack looks like, so understand what's happening when it does. If I'd experienced it for the first time while 1000s of miles from home I'd have been terrified.

HARVEY_KINKLE

scrimshanker wrote: »

Hi Harvey,

I'm sorry for how rambly this turned out, but maybe you can relate to some of it. The first thing I wanted to say is that if it helps, what you're feeling is very normal. I can really relate to the underlined bit. I spent a lot of time trying to "snap myself out of it" and giving out to myself for sulking when there's nothing wrong with me and I should have had more cop on and this and that and the other and tbh, I was never short of "should"s to tell myself. I'm really good at calling myself names, as well.

I have literally spent years thinking

"No, not me. I don't have mental health problems, I'm just lazy".

Eventually, though, it got to a point where these episodes of extreme guilt and self loathing, the horrible feeling of dread that everything is ruined... They kept coming back.

It got to the point where I had to admit that "Yes, something is wrong. It's not just me being lazy, something is actually wrong".

The weight of evidence eventually stacked up against my idea that there was nothing wrong and I should snap out of it. Not because the type of reaction was strange - like if you feel you've disappointed someone it's normal to feel sad and maybe guilty - but the magnitude of it was off.

Recently I had exams. Everyone was stressed about them but I went into complete and absolute meltdown mode and I'm still trying to drag myself out of it. If I made a mistake, that was ALL I could think about and it absolutely meant that I definitely failed the exam and my career is over. Other people had a healthier approach of "That went badly, but look, there's always the repeats". They were still stressed and upset, but I was consumed by it.

Admitting that there's something wrong is such an incredibly difficult step to take. There's no physical symptom in that you can't take a temperature and say "Aha! There it is! A fever, must be an infection". I found I had so much self doubt, I felt guilty about posting here a couple of years back because, sure what had I to complain about when all these other people had diagnoses and I was just being lazy at home not getting out of bed. The reality is, though, I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't go into work that day. I couldn't look after myself. I couldn't stop giving myself a hard time over all the things I didn't do that day (because I couldn't).

You say you've done something that will really hurt your parents and make it hard for them to trust you. These things happen. Everyone makes mistakes. It sounds like your relationship with your parents is great. You're their child, they love you and only want the best for you. Whatever has happened may upset them or frighten or disappoint them, but that won't mean they'll stop caring about you. Maybe they will find it hard to trust you for a while, but trust can be rebuilt.

If you don't feel comfortable talking here, or by PM with anyone on boards, about what has happened that has brought your distress to a head, would you consider talking to the Samaritans? Keeping it to yourself and bottling all these feelings up won't make the problem go away, but talking to someone can help to put things in perspective, and it really can help with how you're feeling. Please don't go through this alone.

Wow scrimshanker, thank you. Reading that actually made me feel a bit better so I'm super grateful. See that's the thing that has me so confused, by nature I'm pretty laid back(I actually enjoy exams for some reason), that's why this has hit me like a tonne of bricks. It's been building up since last Wednesday week and I literally cannot concentrate on anything, college, sports, anything, I can distract myself for 5 mins but then the guilt creeps up on me. And what I did really wasn't that bad as things go, I just did something royally stupid when people trusted me. And I know my parents won't turn on me for it but I'm the type of person who never wants to see my family or friends even the slightest bit hurt. And they will be hurt by this. But again, thanks a mill for the words, super super appreciative.

bananabuster

Lieing here wide awake tears rolling down my face wondering why I am here?? I won't bore with the details... Anyone else ever feel like this..