LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

Hugo Stiglitz

Subscriber,

You sound like a very caring person there. Some families would totally put a situation like that to the back of their minds. Fair play to you for stepping up and taking charge of your mother's mental health. I hope things start to turn around for her from today onwards.

candy-gal1

It is very true but seldom mentioned imho, living with someone with depression etc especially when they cant seem to leave the house themselves for whatever reason, can put a lot of strain on the family relationship, I think imho that it gets and feels worse when Social Workers etc are involved as the person with depression etc may just want to keep the peace in the household etc so the Social Worker etc can sometimes be able to just tell them what to do without reason or even a proper explanation!

subscriber

candy-gal1 wrote: »

It is very true but seldom mentioned imho, living with someone with depression etc especially when they cant seem to leave the house themselves for whatever reason, can put a lot of strain on the family relationship, I think imho that it gets and feels worse when Social Workers etc are involved as the person with depression etc may just want to keep the peace in the household etc so the Social Worker etc can sometimes be able to just tell them what to do without reason or even a proper explanation!

Never a truer word spoken. I don't suffer from the illness myself but from experience as a concerned family member, and watching my mother go through these struggles, especially of late, this couldn't be more accurate.

It doesn't seem to matter how much i tell her that i am here for her as support, she consistently expresses regret and apologies and tells me about the overwhelming feeling of guilt she has for needing to "lean on me".

CailinGaillimh

subscriber wrote: »

Never a truer word spoken. I don't suffer from the illness myself but from experience as a concerned family member, and watching my mother go through these struggles, especially of late, this couldn't be more accurate.

It doesn't seem to matter how much i tell her that i am here for her as support, she consistently expresses regret and apologies and tells me about the overwhelming feeling of guilt she has for needing to "lean on me".

Have never posted here, but have just read through the last few pages. Firstly subscriber - well done on being so strong and fighting for your mother. You're an amazing person to be doing this. Please make sure that you yourself can speak to someone too. You're being very strong & level headed, but you're not alone & there are people you can confide in about YOUR worries. Don't forget yourself in all of this.
Fingers crossed outpatients get back to you quickly!

*edit - with regards to your mother apologising constantly, please make sure you acknowledge these rather than brush them off. Even if you feel that she has nothing to apologise for, acknowledge it and reassure her.

subscriber

CailinGaillimh wrote: »

Have never posted here, but have just read through the last few pages. Firstly subscriber - well done on being so strong and fighting for your mother. You're an amazing person to be doing this. Please make sure that you yourself can speak to someone too. You're being very strong & level headed, but you're not alone & there are people you can confide in about YOUR worries. Don't forget yourself in all of this.
Fingers crossed outpatients get back to you quickly!

*edit - with regards to your mother apologising constantly, please make sure you acknowledge these rather than brush them off. Even if you feel that she has nothing to apologise for, acknowledge it and reassure her.

Yes, I absolutely protect myself in all of this...or at least have done to a good extent over the past few weeks which have been the toughest of her life so far. I see a therapist myself, not because I suffer depression but just as a support system for myself to help me through the anxiety and worry of looking after her. I am very proactive about my own mental health in all of this also....I have to be.

As per acknowledging her apologies...I always do. We sit down regularly and talk through some of her issues...it always helps her feel relief when things are off her chest but it's a double edged sword as it also comes with the guilty feeling of having to "lean on me" in her words. I guess it's about striking the right balance of conforting her and protecting myself in all of this.

mickstupp

Few things make me angrier than feeling like I have to prove myself to someone. I hate it when people say, 'ah sure you're grand, you're fine', just because they catch me on a relatively functional day.

These people, for those moments, stop being friends and I start feeling myself withdrawing, thinking they don't understand, they can't understand, otherwise they wouldn't say what they say.

I sometimes feel like the only way to get through to some people would be to sit them down and give them a dirty laundry list of problems, causes, and failed solutions, hours and hours. So I never do.

For all that I see awareness being raised and people saying isn't it great that people are more open and honest and forthcoming about their mental illnesses... when it comes to the crunch, I still have people I thought were close friends turning away because they just don't want to be there when things aren't great.

Sometimes you go from feeling alone because no-one knows... to feeling alone because people know and don't want to hear.

DeVore

Subscriber, you seem to have a good handle on things. What I have done with people who have confided mental health issues to me (and then immediately apologised for doing so!) is to listen to them, let them talk and encourage them to talk and when they are done let them know that their confiding in me has given me a huge boost in my feeling of worth and value. (which it does!). For someone to feel like they can trust me and rely on me to that extent makes me feel good about myself. Its a statement of belief in me and valuing my advice and assistance and as such is sort of a gift rather than an imposition. You might explain this to your mum... I am sure there are many days when the "gift" is a pain in the ass but perhaps this is one way to reassure her that you are ok with her relying on you. Perhaps it can break the cycle of guilty feelings about it which is probably adding to the depression in the first place.
Just my 2c.

DeVore

MickStupp... I freakin HATE that too!! Nothing drives me more angry than people who look at me (even still!) and say "Ah, that's all in your head, sure aren't you doing well for yourself with Boards/whatever. What have you to be depressed about"... or "sure you never seemed depressed before".

It drives me round the twist because if I try to maintain a semblance of normality I am basically working against other peoples acceptance (because for them, if they cant see it, its not real!).

I have family members who still think I don't get it (or don't want to believe it). I just don't talk to them about it any more because its not worth the anger it brings out in me when they deny my experience (who the f*ck is anyone else to tell me whats going on in my head... man, f*ck that noise). Nggggggggh. See, even talking about it winds me up.

When I do various advocacy things (I've done a few now, they really help me and they seem to help others!) like radio interviews or talks... I get a sort of "do you HAVE to mention it publically? People we know might hear" sort of reaction. Its a very "Old Ireland" way of dealing with it... just don't mention it.... and you know what, f*ck Old Ireland. Speak out if you feel like you want to. If you have friends who back off because of it, f*ck them, they weren't friends in the true sense of the word.

DeVore

ps: on a more positive note, I've definitely seen a movement to take mental health more seriously. There seems to be a better understanding of its importance and a reduction in stigma. I wouldn't say we are there yet, or even half way there but the second half of that work is going to be a lot easier than the first half...
People like us need to stick together and be honest about our wellbeing. Not everyone needs to do radio interviews but the more people talk about it (in my experience) the more OTHER people open up in response and we all benefit. Yes, there is a lot of work yet to do but you know what, we're on the way!

mickstupp

I think it's probably hard to grasp when they see you behaving 'normally', even having a laugh or smiling, or genuinely enjoying something... people don't seem to get that you can still be spending every waking moment fighting the underlying depression at the same time. Or fighting against habits that lead you downwards anyway.

The thing that keeps popping into my head is that bit of Eliot's Prufrock, putting on a face to meet the faces that you meet. So much effort goes into trying to be functional, beyond just looking functional, trying to stick to constructive mental and physical habits. When I feel like that constant effort gets questioned, and requires some sort of demonstration, some proof... annoys me is all.

Read an article recently on the Guardian comment pages where a lady was talking about feeling like she sometimes needed to 'perform' her own depression to be taken seriously. But when she did let the mask slip, people didn't want to know. Can't win.

Or maybe, like you say, you just need to drop that sort of unsupportive person, or put some distance there at least.

/justventing

mickstupp

DeVore wrote: »

ps: on a more positive note, I've definitely seen a movement to take mental health more seriously. There seems to be a better understanding of its importance and a reduction in stigma. I wouldn't say we are there yet, or even half way there but the second half of that work is going to be a lot easier than the first half...
People like us need to stick together and be honest about our wellbeing. Not everyone needs to do radio interviews but the more people talk about it (in my experience) the more OTHER people open up in response and we all benefit. Yes, there is a lot of work yet to do but you know what, we're on the way!

Last February I got roped into a thing by a girl in one of my classes, ended up wearing one of those rubber armband things for PleaseTalk.org, which resulted in lots of people asking me about it which was good. Decided that next year, I'm going to try and take an active role in the Mental Health Society in the college. Was thinking I might do up a thing for new students on the various small ways that helped me get through, be productive even when feeling bad, that sort of thing.

PTH2009

Working in retail suffering with depression is hard.

Since Jan 2014 I lost my mom, 2 grandmother's and uncle so u can imagine it's hard to try and be positive like retail workers have to be when dealing with the darling public

I've became very depressed and almost suicidal because of comments people made about me in work and outside .

DeVore

So, I've felt this coming on for a few days. I've seen the signs too... dishes piling up and chores being put off or short circuited. Work is being neglected a bit too but like the wispers of wind before a storm, they fortell the future.

I'm hoping today is the limit of the storm because if so I'm weathering it better than usual if it is... but, I feel sh*t. Very down on myself and on my abilities (as usual), very much of the "whats the fncking point in anything, why even bother" variety.

I have a competition piece of wood turning to do and despite winning or placing in the last 4 months, suddenly I'm telling myself I'm a fraud and I haven't a hope of not fncking this piece up and its only a matter of time etc.

I'm driving on and literally forcing myself to do it, just a little bit at a time and each little bit I get finished is helping me combat the low self confidence.

Blergh... horrible. On the plus side, I feel like I've got the tools to deal with it. Its kinda like a burst pipe. Before I would have stood looking at it in horror with no idea what to do. After counselling (like a plumbers course), the pipe is still burst, the water is still pumping everywhere and its still a giant pain in the ass, but at least I have the tools and skills to deal with it better now.

Gleeso_Finglas

PTH2009 wrote: »

Working in retail suffering with depression is hard.

Since Jan 2014 I lost my mom, 2 grandmother's and uncle so u can imagine it's hard to try and be positive like retail workers have to be when dealing with the darling public

I've became very depressed and almost suicidal because of comments people made about me in work and outside .

Hey,

One of my closet friends has just gone through exactly what you have gone through and the advice i can give you is this. Stop being so hard on yourself nothing can prepare you for a loss never mind 3 and all this while trying to manage a fulltime job in retail is exhausting. You cannot concentrate on your work, your constantly worrying about something else happening to kick you down even further than you are.

1 if you can afford take a few days off and try and have some you time!
2 Talk to your family and friends and tell them you are struggling. You will be very surprised at the support you may receive.
3 Talk to your GP and tell he/she exactly whats going on especially if you are like this any longer than a month.
4 Be selfish and do things you like doing, only you know whats good for you.
5 If you can try your best to get as much exercise as possible and eat as healthy as you can. When we feel **** we eat **** and it just keeps going on and on.

I know you will get through this difficult time and i am confident that you will get back to yourself but you do need to take some of the above steps to help you.

Is this at all helpful?

Samaris

Creeping into this thread because this is the **** I just feel I can't say to people face to face. And it's horribly upsetting that I can't, but I -can't-.

Anxiety-depression here. I hate it. I hate that my mind doesn't feel like my own. I hate that I can't even -remember- having a mind that feels like my own. I hate that I don't care, but that I want to care and I care about caring and then I hate myself for just not having the energy to do anything.

I hate the wasted days, and the anxious attacks in the evening when I've done nothing useful all day. I hate having to admit to people that I'm disappointing them, that I can't seem to pull myself out of the rut.

I hate that I take medication and then I sometimes just don't because I don't care. And that I can actually work myself into an anxious attack because I've not taken my damn meds. I hate that this illness makes me unreliable and lazy. That sometimes I don't have the energy to have a shower and that planning to wash my hair can take days because of the effort that long hair takes. And then I hate that I feel lazy because my brain is just screwing me around. I hate the feel of jobs left undone, months of angsting over them, yet never managing to get enough energy to DO them. I hate that I keep getting sick, yet I don't have the energy or will to eat properly or ensure I have enough liquids in me.

I hate feeling like a fraud because my body seems healthy and there's nothing visibly wrong. That others struggle through horrendous illnesses and physical issues to lead full lives.

And above all, I hate that I don't understand why my brain hates me.

Excuse me a bit, I need to go hit a wall.

Samaris

Bosbovrib wrote: »

Great post DeVore. I believe in the majority of cases depression is caused by the ego. By practicing meditation and living your life in a present state it allows the depression to fade away. Often highly intelligent people have excessive inner dialogue, this inner dialogue blocks you from your essential being. This is what causes the depression. Your essential being is the field of awareness behind your thoughts, emotions and sense perceptions.

Can you feel my glare from where you're sitting?

Oh screw it, maybe it'll work for someone.

Samaris

Bosbovrib wrote: »

OK, perhaps I'm being a bit harsh.

You have a theory about what causes depression, and, well, mostly we don't really know all the whys and wherefores, but it does seem to often have a chemical imbalance of some sort. Implying that it can be all fixed by meditation is like being given herbal tea to heal your broken leg.

DeVore

Bosbovrib wrote: »

Great post DeVore. I believe in the majority of cases depression is caused by the ego. By practicing meditation and living your life in a present state it allows the depression to fade away. Often highly intelligent people have excessive inner dialogue, this inner dialogue blocks you from your essential being. This is what causes the depression. Your essential being is the field of awareness behind your thoughts, emotions and sense perceptions.

I'd agree... I might word it differently because a lot of people take a pejorative meaning from "ego" rather than a scientific one (ego, id etc).
I have found the idea: "you are not your thoughts, you are your thinking and actions around your thoughts" to be tremendously helpful to me personally.

Finding that moment of peace and calm from the inner dialogue is definitely helpful to me. I train in Muay Thai boxing and I find that in the period after a hard training session I can just be calm and peaceful and at rest.


One thing people might have noticed from my posts is that I very rarely tell people what they should do. I'll tell them what *I've* done and what has worked for me. We need to be quite careful telling people "do this and you'll be grand, for sure!". There are no sureties on this topic and having been told X will definitely fix them and then finding out that it hasn't worked for them can be a very damaging experience for someone. It can lead them to believe there is nothing which will relieve their depression.
So I do think we need to be careful about saying "X is the cause and Y is the cure".

DeVore

Bosbovrib wrote: »

Depression in hunter gatherer societies is almost unheard of, I believe this is due to them being in a state of presence throughout the day rather then cycling through repetitive thoughts in their heads. You'd have to ask why hunter gatherers don't get this chemical imbalance. For anyone suffering from depression I'd recommend they watch Eckhart Tolle YouTube videos. He explains the mechanisms of the ego and how it harms our emotional state. He also speaks in a present state and with long pauses purposely to help you become present.

This may well be true but if you have a serotonin re-uptake deficiency, all the pauses in the world aren't going to help you.

Your belief of what causes it may also be true or it may be correlation with no causation.

For example, there are no wooly mammoths here now. By your logic woolly mammoths are the solution to our problem. Its a daft idea but you are simply taken something you already believe to be true and fitting past facts to support it. That's not science.

DeVore

I think the problem is that when you say "ego is the cause of depression" it can translate to other people as "you are an egotistical wanker, get over yourself".

*I* know that that's now what you mean but you *might* just want to explain things a little more thoroughly when suggesting this belief.

Back from the long weekend and feeling sleep deprived and moody. Just want to curl up in a ball somewhere.

Gremlinertia

Karsini wrote: »

Back from the long weekend and feeling sleep deprived and moody. Just want to curl up in a ball somewhere.

I've just finished two heavy weeks work and feel the same.. Of course having worked a lot I have loads of mundane stuff to catch up with, and motivation is in negative numbers. I'm just clinging to "this too shall pass" and some puerile humour.. Hugs to you.

Hugo Stiglitz

Karsini wrote: »

Back from the long weekend and feeling sleep deprived and moody. Just want to curl up in a ball somewhere.

Same! I took all last week off so hitting work on Monday was extra tough. Still difficult to summon up the spirit to get crackin' again!

scrimshanker

Seeing as it's world suicide prevention day today, I suppose it's appropriate for a little thread bump.

This came up in my facebook feed, it's a pretty good article:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/danieldalton/you-re-worthwhile#.itqyO0oWP

scrimshanker

double post sorry

mickstupp

scrimshanker wrote: »

http://www.buzzfeed.com/danieldalton/you-re-worthwhile#.itqyO0oWP

That article wrote:

Not being able to regulate my mood is incredibly frustrating. Not knowing how I’ll feel one minute to the next. Not having control over it. I don’t mean to snap, or to complain, or to speak with “that tone”, but it does happen.

Yup. Getting that a lot for the last bunch of months. Nearly lost a couple of friends over it.

StillThinking

The last one got me, I'm not a dude but thinks it holds true for everybody, it is ok to be sad sometimes, there is nothing wrong with just feeling, feeling anything at all sometimes is hard so at least when I'm feeling sad it's something. I know I'm getting bad when I feel nothing, times when I'm really bad somebody could tell me my dog just died and I would feel nothing.

scrimshanker

DunnoKiddo wrote: »

so, if depression is an ongoing numbness, then what is ongoing sadness called?

........guess depression was never my problem then. I am just.... sad... rather constantly. Some days are worse, rarely ever better - but occasionally I can feel momentary yet fleeting joy.

I think both can be depression. Apparently I'm in a depressive episode at the moment. Most of the time I feel absolutely nothing (well, I can feel stressed but I don't think "stressed" is an emotion). Then some evenings I feel very down. But certainly I've heard of a lot of people say they feel down when depressed.

Have you ever talked to anyone about being constantly down? Friends, family, GP?

DunnoKiddo

scrimshanker wrote: »

I think both can be depression. Apparently I'm in a depressive episode at the moment. Most of the time I feel absolutely nothing (well, I can feel stressed but I don't think "stressed" is an emotion). Then some evenings I feel very down. But certainly I've heard of a lot of people say they feel down when depressed.

Have you ever talked to anyone about being constantly down? Friends, family, GP?

I am sorry to hear scrimshanker, hope you're ok. I do think stressed is a valid emotion, tis one I seem to live under daily, anyway.

Haha, yeah I have... the counselor said I needed to have some fun in life and put on a funny youtube vid... didn't help.

scrimshanker

DunnoKiddo wrote: »

Haha, yeah I have... the counselor said I needed to have some fun in life and put on a funny youtube vid... didn't help.

Well that's not helpful. Tbh if someone said they had something really fun planned I'd be likely to try get out of it!

What helps me most is boring distraction. I know it's weird, but I do online jigsaws and pick the hardest cut on a calm scene. I'm no good at actively practicing mindfulness, so I figure the next best thing is to do something mindless that doesn't leave much room for ruminating. Maybe you could do something similar?

It's okay to feel down. It's just as valid and okay to feel down for no particular reason as it is to feel happy for no particular reason. Do you ever get peace from feeling down? Sometimes I do... I sit outdoors in the dark of night. Kind of a peaceful melancholy.