LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

mickstupp

Mornings are bad enough that I hate going to bed at night.

Which of course makes mornings worse anyway, because I'm getting less sleep than I need, all the time. Vicious circle.

Gleeso_Finglas

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

I wake up each morning like I've been hit by a tonne of bricks gleeso. Although I'm not on any medication.

wow i dont know how u do it without meds man. i simply couldnt. you must be very strong pal.

mickstupp wrote: »

Mornings are bad enough that I hate going to bed at night.

Which of course makes mornings worse anyway, because I'm getting less sleep than I need, all the time. Vicious circle.

i hear you man im the same i hate going to bed and when i sleep in on the weekends the longer i sleep the worse it gets!

Gleeso_Finglas

i was starting to come out of my latest bout until this dreaded man flu has knocked me back into that anxious depression feelings. My mind is burnt out. I know if i start crying it will set me right back. I didnt think it would happen so soon as i only increased meds 4 weeks ago and they were starting to work.

Im so fecking fed up of this!

Hugo Stiglitz

Gleeso_Finglas wrote: »

i was starting to come out of my latest bout until this dreaded man flu has knocked me back into that anxious depression feelings. My mind is burnt out. I know if i start crying it will set me right back. I didnt think it would happen so soon as i only increased meds 4 weeks ago and they were starting to work.

Im so fecking fed up of this!

I hear ya, brother.

Sometimes it's ok to have a little cry though, it can help.


Rough enough day in work. Was indirectly accused of a mess up which then turned out to be ok. Felt I was really annoying people too by just being there. I hate how meek and a pushover I am.

Turtle_

I actually find the morning best, my mood goes through the floor at night. Awful when it happens.

Hugo Stiglitz

Turtle_ wrote: »

I actually find the morning best, my mood goes through the floor at night. Awful when it happens.

*hugs*

Sometimes at night when things are settling down, one's mind can start to get bored or overthink stuff.

The One Doctor

I'm having huge problems in work at the moment. My job is very error sensitive and I keep making mistakes, which get reported to the CEO and directors automatically. Doesn't help that I'm in my probabtion period and it keeps getting extended for that very reason. It's got to the stage where I've taken two weeks off work (certified sick days) to get away from it. Haven't even told my girlfriend I've taken the time off as I'm too embarrassed to admit it. I hate my job and I'm only 10 months into it. I can't quit as my girlfirend is in a month's temp job after she was fired, and we have a 1 year old as well. Fortunately we don't have to pay any rent for the next 2 years while we save for a deposit.

I have no idea what to do and I feel like I'm making things worse no matter what I do. I've battled on and off with moderate depression but it's worse now because of my own actions. I don't want to admit anything to my girlfriend. I've told my employers I suffer from depression but they can't do anything obviously. I feel like quitting but that won't make anything better, in fact it'd fcuk up any dole claim I might have and that's self-defeating. At this point all I can do is wait to be fired and at least the next job won't be so ****ty, in conditions or pay (I'm 36 and make less than €1400 per month).

Call Me Jimmy

The One Doctor wrote: »

I'm having huge problems in work at the moment. My job is very error sensitive and I keep making mistakes, which get reported to the CEO and directors automatically. Doesn't help that I'm in my probabtion period and it keeps getting extended for that very reason. It's got to the stage where I've taken two weeks off work (certified sick days) to get away from it. Haven't even told my girlfriend I've taken the time off as I'm too embarrassed to admit it. I hate my job and I'm only 10 months into it. I can't quit as my girlfirend is in a month's temp job after she was fired, and we have a 1 year old as well. Fortunately we don't have to pay any rent for the next 2 years while we save for a deposit.

I have no idea what to do and I feel like I'm making things worse no matter what I do. I've battled on and off with moderate depression but it's worse now because of my own actions. I don't want to admit anything to my girlfriend. I've told my employers I suffer from depression but they can't do anything obviously. I feel like quitting but that won't make anything better, in fact it'd fcuk up any dole claim I might have and that's self-defeating. At this point all I can do is wait to be fired and at least the next job won't be so ****ty, in conditions or pay (I'm 36 and make less than €1400 per month).

Sorry to hear that, what a tough situation. Is it possible it is just a bad start? Or you are pressuring yourself too much? I remember on my work experience at college that I thought of everyone else (including fellow interns) as infallible then I'd see their work and notice mistakes in there that I would be harsh on myself if I made them. Yet they were doing a grand job in there own head and so got to go home and switch off. My main problem was when I got home I'd be still in work.

Overall I don't think it's sustainable to remain in the situation you're in. The worst part is the idea that it will stay as it is now for a long time, that can weigh someone down. For your sanity at the moment think of it as a short term thing you've got to get through. Like you were conscripted to fight in world war two, once you accept you're going then the best way to get through it is to think about getting home. Don't worry at the moment about the how's and the wherefore, just make sure to keep in your mind that you will get out of this situation and you'll be sitting on the couch one day remembering it and letting out a sigh o relief.

Sorry I just think if there's no practical solution, best thing to do is to get some peace of mind whatever way you can. You're doing a good job, looking after your family through an extremely difficult time for yourself. Very commendable.

One thing I'm certain of from what you've written is that you are doing your best, think about that! I know it sounds patronising (i might think that if someone said that to me when I was stressed) but cliche aside, what more can someone do?

Hugo Stiglitz

The One Doctor wrote: »

I'm having huge problems in work at the moment. My job is very error sensitive and I keep making mistakes, which get reported to the CEO and directors automatically. Doesn't help that I'm in my probabtion period and it keeps getting extended for that very reason. It's got to the stage where I've taken two weeks off work (certified sick days) to get away from it. Haven't even told my girlfriend I've taken the time off as I'm too embarrassed to admit it. I hate my job and I'm only 10 months into it. I can't quit as my girlfirend is in a month's temp job after she was fired, and we have a 1 year old as well. Fortunately we don't have to pay any rent for the next 2 years while we save for a deposit.

I have no idea what to do and I feel like I'm making things worse no matter what I do. I've battled on and off with moderate depression but it's worse now because of my own actions. I don't want to admit anything to my girlfriend. I've told my employers I suffer from depression but they can't do anything obviously. I feel like quitting but that won't make anything better, in fact it'd fcuk up any dole claim I might have and that's self-defeating. At this point all I can do is wait to be fired and at least the next job won't be so ****ty, in conditions or pay (I'm 36 and make less than €1400 per month).

That sounds like a very stressful situation there. *bro-hugs*

There's nothing to be embarrassed about. You'd actually be surprised at the amount of people that need to take certified time off work for similar issues. Had to do it myself a couple of times. It might help to talk to your partner about this. It might even take a bit of the pressure off you a bit.

I hope things improve for you soon, my friend.

DeVore

Why not take matters into your hands, approach your manager and tell him you want to improve your fault-rate. Cast it as a positive thing, you know you have mistakes but you really want to keep this job and you want to find a way to improve.

I've employed or managed tons of people over the years. I would always prefer a staff member come to me and say "hey, I have this issue and I want to resolve it". I can work with a staff member like that and appreciate being offered the chance to help make things right.
Remember, they didn't let you go when they could so they obviously WANT this to work. No employer want to start the recruiting rigmarole again so believe me they will probably be happy to see you tackle things. (You know the situation best though, this is just what I would do).

Hugo Stiglitz

Hope ye all have a good Friday.

Hugo Stiglitz

Can any of ye remember things being normal? Were ye ever happy?

mickstupp

^Yep. Definitely happy until 1993. Actually I remember the precise moment when I realised something wasn't right with me.

But thing is... and it's really hard to hold on to, I know... but there are moments. There isn't darkness in every single second. When you can forget yourself, or get properly distracted, whether in work or study, or watching a comedy or a movie or playing a game or kissing a loved one... those moments are not depression. The moments you have like seeing a beautiful sky or the sea, or the first sip of a lovely cup of tea, or biting into a magnificent slice of cake... they're not you depressed. They're wonderful moments that depression doesn't have a hold on.

I make it a habit to every day write down at least one moment that was wonderful. That helps. It doesn't mean the majority of my days are not absolute crap. But there's always one or two things that are nice.

Hugs are probably the greatest thing on the planet. I highly recommend organising with a friend or family member to give you a hug a day if possible. And not a small one. Like 10 Mississippis! Worth it.

None of that makes a giant difference to my overall feelings, it doesn't stop the very dark thoughts, or when I sometimes wake up not wanting to be alive... but it takes the edge off things. And it means when I get into bed, finally at night, and open up my (passworded) journal app, I'm finishing off every day with at least one nice thought.

It's the accumulation of tiny positive moments that really keeps me alive. Because there's nothing big. No one reason. Unfortunately. But little things give you little reasons to keep hanging on.

Which is a lot of words for this hour on a Sunday...

Diamond Doll

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Can any of ye remember things being normal? Were ye ever happy?

Yep. Actually for most of my teenage/adult life, I was happy. I remember being around 23/24 and thinking how perfectly happy I was with my life. College was going great, I'd a really good job lined up post-qualification, I was happily engaged, everything was going well.

I had a rough-ish couple of years after that, a big break-up, a job I hated. But then I got a new job I loved, and started seeing a new guy who I ended up moving in with. But even when things were rough, it didn't affect my mental health really, there were just more challenges in my life.

Then I got pregnant, when I was 27, and had the happiest nine months of my life. Everything in my life was fantastic. Work was great, my friends were great, my relationship was great, and we had a healthy little baby on the way.

I'd pinpoint the day it all changed as my baby's due date. I clearly remember being at my cousin's house, with my partner, to collect some baby stuff. I had what I now recognise as a panic attack, although a very minor one. I wasn't even concerned about it - in my innocence, I was hopefully that it was a sign I was going into labour.

Six days later I had my baby. PTSD from the birth, and post-natal anxiety and depression and panic disorder which all went undiagnosed for a long time. Two years later, I still very much have all of those things, although I wonder at what point they stop being post-natal and just "are".

My life has gone to hell since. My son and his dad don't live with me anymore. I've lost everything. I'm going into hospital for six weeks in January in the hope of being fixed, but even if it works, I don't know what kind of life might be there for me on the other side. I barely recognise the happy healthy successful person I used to be.

Hugo Stiglitz

I don't think I ever was. Despite having a great family life, I was always nervous and sad to various degrees. Never mixed great with people, always drifted from group to group. Bullied to an extent throughout childhood.

Just a thought that entered my head last night was all. Can't really see it changing to be honest. I'm scared to try as the fear of failure is big here. The expectation of that is also extremely off putting.

Isn't it mad how much other emotions are involved with depress and anxiety?

bridgettedon

Right now I feel quite content with life. I am still on meds and in therapy. I only work part time. I'm not sure how I will manage full time work. Some days a dark cloud can come over me. But I have developed skills to help overcome it and I have peple who help support me. Life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. My life has changed direction due to my mental health issues. But I'm ok with that.

I have just finished reading a book written by a woman who overcame mental health issues. I could relate to it so much. I was actually in tears at the end because I have too have overcome the worst stages of my life. It's a long road to recovery but it is worth every single hardship. I have meet some wonderful health professionals who have transformed my life. I am so grateful to them. I can't tell anyone that the road to getting better is worth it, you need to discover that yourself. I didn't believe it either but now I do.

Hugo Stiglitz

bridgettedon wrote: »

Right now I feel quite content with life. I am still on meds and in therapy. I only work part time. I'm not sure how I will manage full time work. Some days a dark cloud can come over me. But I have developed skills to help overcome it and I have peple who help support me. Life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. My life has changed direction due to my mental health issues. But I'm ok with that.

I have just finished reading a book written by a woman who overcame mental health issues. I could relate to it so much. I was actually in tears at the end because I have too have overcome the worst stages of my life. It's a long road to recovery but it is worth every single hardship. I have meet some wonderful health professionals who have transformed my life. I am so grateful to them. I can't tell anyone that the road to getting better is worth it, you need to discover that yourself. I didn't believe it either but now I do.

Nice post there, B.

A bit of advice that I'd offer you would be to stay part time employed until you're in a better place. Having all of this going on and having to work 40 hours a week can really kick you down at times.

I've come through the absolute worse of this: having to leave work for a year and a half, being 100% recluse, being suicidal, constant medication changes and their side effects etc. I guess what I'm dealing with now is a less intense version of my worst times. What really kills me now is that I'm dealing with a lot of the root issues and the fallout from my worst times. Do you get me?

bridgettedon

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Nice post there, B.

A bit of advice that I'd offer you would be to stay part time employed until you're in a better place. Having all of this going on and having to work 40 hours a week can really kick you down at times.

I've come through the absolute worse of this: having to leave work for a year and a half, being 100% recluse, being suicidal, constant medication changes and their side effects etc. I guess what I'm dealing with now is a less intense version of my worst times. What really kills me now is that I'm dealing with a lot of the root issues and the fallout from my worst times. Do you get me?

Yah I think full time work is a long term goal that I am working towards. It won't be in the immediate future.

Maybe you have had worse times but it sounds like you are still going through a difficult time. Maybe you need to look further into the root issues with a therapist and deal with what has happened in your life in the low times.

Hugo Stiglitz

bridgettedon wrote: »

Yah I think full time work is a long term goal that I am working towards. It won't be in the immediate future.

Maybe you have had worse times but it sounds like you are still going through a difficult time. Maybe you need to look further into the root issues with a therapist and deal with what has happened in your life in the low times.

Yeah, I think I need to do that. I'm just a bit nervous about making the first step.

bridgettedon

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Yeah, I think I need to do that. I'm just a bit nervous about making the first step.

The first step is always the hardest. You could talk about it with your gp first.

titan18

Had work Christmas party last night. Just don't know why I bother with it. Only went to show my face, but spent most of the night sitting in a corner. One girl noticed photo of my cuts on my phone too, that I keep just to show how far I've come from my suicidal days. Just hate those nights, seeing people having fun, girls I've no chance of even getting close to, and just feel like **** the day after. All there enjoying themselves and I just want to curl up and cry in a corner with a razor blade in my hand.

Hugo Stiglitz

titan18 wrote: »

Had work Christmas party last night. Just don't know why I bother with it. Only went to show my face, but spent most of the night sitting in a corner. One girl noticed photo of my cuts on my phone too, that I keep just to show how far I've come from my suicidal days. Just hate those nights, seeing people having fun, girls I've no chance of even getting close to, and just feel like **** the day after. All there enjoying themselves and I just want to curl up and cry in a corner with a razor blade in my hand.

Sorry to hear that, Titan.

I gave my Xmas party a miss too for similar reasons. Sucks.

Gleeso_Finglas

What I am facing at the moment:

Right now i write this from my new laptop in my new job and had planned to wait until i was doing well to post again on here but unfortunatley I do not know when that will be.

My doctor has agreed to put me on the highest dosage of my anti depressants its 375mg. I am also on 600mg of pregablin (hope its ok to post the name) I cannot stop the shaking internally and cannot concentrate for ****!. I cannot get rid of the horrible cloud above my head. The combination of GAD and Depression is reeking havoc on me and really affecting my wife. I just cannot win at the moment every second of every day is torture. I just want it to be over. I also fear that if i go on the higher dosage and i go through another episode down the line that I will no where to go other than change meds..........i really dont want this as this in its self is too much to handle. I have also been dipping into my dads meds which are a very mild benzodiazipine to see if this helps but so far it is not and all it is making me do is feel drousey. I sent most of my days in a daze in work and the same at home except i am with my loving wife and stepson plus my parents come to see me.

I am litterally like a baby when this happens and I cannot seem to be strong like the rest of you and persevere. I hope to start cbt in the new year to help give me the tools to cope a little better when i feel an episode coming on.

Can any of you advise as to if you are exactly like me?

Drumpot

Gleeso_Finglas wrote: »

What I am facing at the moment:

Right now i write this from my new laptop in my new job and had planned to wait until i was doing well to post again on here but unfortunatley I do not know when that will be.

My doctor has agreed to put me on the highest dosage of my anti depressants its 375mg. I am also on 600mg of pregablin (hope its ok to post the name) I cannot stop the shaking internally and cannot concentrate for ****!. I cannot get rid of the horrible cloud above my head. The combination of GAD and Depression is reeking havoc on me and really affecting my wife. I just cannot win at the moment every second of every day is torture. I just want it to be over. I also fear that if i go on the higher dosage and i go through another episode down the line that I will no where to go other than change meds..........i really dont want this as this in its self is too much to handle. I have also been dipping into my dads meds which are a very mild benzodiazipine to see if this helps but so far it is not and all it is making me do is feel drousey. I sent most of my days in a daze in work and the same at home except i am with my loving wife and stepson plus my parents come to see me.

I am litterally like a baby when this happens and I cannot seem to be strong like the rest of you and persevere. I hope to start cbt in the new year to help give me the tools to cope a little better when i feel an episode coming on.

Can any of you advise as to if you are exactly like me?

Gleeso, I wont speak for anybody else, but in my experience people can mistake me looking calm/quiet, with me just being content with life. The truth often be that I am paralyzed with anxiety/fear.

Right now, I am going through a nasty patch of anxiety. It has me drained and just dreading each day. I don't want to meditate,medicate or exercise, I just want to not feel so hopelessly lost and fearful of the future.

I know this will pass, but it doesn't give me any comfort right now. I goto a support group regularly and its gotten to the stage where I don't even want to look vulnerable/down because I've been going for over three years.

Even posting on this thread, I tend to only try and post things I think will help people. I stopped sharing my pain for some reason. I suppose its linked to what you posted. Some people say to me "oh my good, you look so good and seem so well/different" and I don't want to burst the bubble. Sure , I have made great progress, but oddly its been harder to be honest on one level because I find it embarrassing that I have so many things learned and yet I still revert back to my old habits/feelings.

I start losing sleep, the anxiety gets more pronounced and I get more and more agitated. Then I start to regress back into myself, talk less, lose interest in things I normally enjoy and feel lonely. In an effort to not fall into self pity, I begin to attack myself. The internal critic starts telling me that I am a F**king eejit, lazy and just not doing things right.

I am on a small dose of medication to help me sleep, but nothing else. My doctor discussed Anti Ds but he knows I really don't want to if I can white knuckle it. One thing I suggest is that you consider that each medication has potential side effects. I know doctors have said to me in the past it takes a few weeks for the side effects, but in my experience it can happen within a day!

If there is a person who has written a message on this thread looking for support, who doesn't have setbacks or have times when they feel they have regressed, I would be extremely surprised.

I have had moments/months when things seemed like life would be great. But then life happens. Sometimes its something big, sometimes its something small and sometimes it feels like its nothing (just cant put finger on what's troubling me).

If its any consolation to you, right now I just don't want to feel like I feel. I don't want to meditate , medicate or talk the problem away, I just want to feel ok. But I know its ok for me to feel like this, this doesn't make me feel much better, but it reduces the vicious critic in my head which is a benefit.


I am going to put the next 15mins aside to do some reading (support stuff). (DIDNT DO!) I am going to try and accept how I feel, even though I don't like it. I am going to try and get some exercise (even brief walk). I am going to try and remain in today, not thinking of the future or past. I am going to accept I am imperfect and so is everybody else.

Writing it down makes it look like I am together and organized, well I am far from it. I will be lucky to do 1 of these things but I am only trying to suggest that for me at least, this is not a pothole free road to perfection, its a bumpy track that causes many punctures.

Call Me Jimmy

Gleeso_Finglas wrote: »

What I am facing at the moment:

Right now i write this from my new laptop in my new job and had planned to wait until i was doing well to post again on here but unfortunatley I do not know when that will be.

My doctor has agreed to put me on the highest dosage of my anti depressants its 375mg. I am also on 600mg of pregablin (hope its ok to post the name) I cannot stop the shaking internally and cannot concentrate for ****!. I cannot get rid of the horrible cloud above my head. The combination of GAD and Depression is reeking havoc on me and really affecting my wife. I just cannot win at the moment every second of every day is torture. I just want it to be over. I also fear that if i go on the higher dosage and i go through another episode down the line that I will no where to go other than change meds..........i really dont want this as this in its self is too much to handle. I have also been dipping into my dads meds which are a very mild benzodiazipine to see if this helps but so far it is not and all it is making me do is feel drousey. I sent most of my days in a daze in work and the same at home except i am with my loving wife and stepson plus my parents come to see me.

I am litterally like a baby when this happens and I cannot seem to be strong like the rest of you and persevere. I hope to start cbt in the new year to help give me the tools to cope a little better when i feel an episode coming on.

Can any of you advise as to if you are exactly like me?

Gleeso yes, I am exactly like you. It's like a part of my brain is yearning to find a place in my body that is comfortable but it can't, it constantly feels like something needs to be moved into a better position. As drumpot said, I tend to post more now in trying to help people (and showing my lack of real world knowledge as I do so). It just got to a point where things are so bad that i knew if I post anything negative I'll be wasting people's time because I'm so locked in. It feels like locked in syndrome except I can just about walk.

That's the physical side. The mental side is that I'm a shadow of what I was even a couple of years ago. Music or humour rarely get past my wall of buzzing electricity that seems to render everything distant.

I havent been on medication for a long time because I took stock and realised it hadn't changed a single thing while giving me side effects that were difficult to deal with. Having said that I may consider anti anxiety medication again (benzo's) because its getting to a point where I cant even begin to relax really. Yes my mind can be occupied with a task but when the task ends i realise the discomfort (mental and physical) is still there. I think exercise would help me a lot, even shaking out my body violently for a minute or two would help me but I dont and wont do anything.

You're definitely not alone only seperated by space, it is so sad to hear you going through something so similar to me, but we've given up on ourselves so we find it hard to be warm and caring when it comes to our own situation. I just wanted to say there's someone else out there (here) who's experience is very similar. And each moment your feeling something I'm probably feeling similar too. fwiw

Gleeso_Finglas

Drumpot wrote: »

Gleeso, I wont speak for anybody else, but in my experience people can mistake me looking calm/quiet, with me just being content with life. The truth often be that I am paralyzed with anxiety/fear.

Right now, I am going through a nasty patch of anxiety. It has me drained and just dreading each day. I don't want to meditate,medicate or exercise, I just want to not feel so hopelessly lost and fearful of the future.

I know this will pass, but it doesn't give me any comfort right now. I goto a support group regularly and its gotten to the stage where I don't even want to look vulnerable/down because I've been going for over three years.

Even posting on this thread, I tend to only try and post things I think will help people. I stopped sharing my pain for some reason. I suppose its linked to what you posted. Some people say to me "oh my good, you look so good and seem so well/different" and I don't want to burst the bubble. Sure , I have made great progress, but oddly its been harder to be honest on one level because I find it embarrassing that I have so many things learned and yet I still revert back to my old habits/feelings.

I start losing sleep, the anxiety gets more pronounced and I get more and more agitated. Then I start to regress back into myself, talk less, lose interest in things I normally enjoy and feel lonely. In an effort to not fall into self pity, I begin to attack myself. The internal critic starts telling me that I am a F**king eejit, lazy and just not doing things right.

I am on a small dose of medication to help me sleep, but nothing else. My doctor discussed Anti Ds but he knows I really don't want to if I can white knuckle it. One thing I suggest is that you consider that each medication has potential side effects. I know doctors have said to me in the past it takes a few weeks for the side effects, but in my experience it can happen within a day!

If there is a person who has written a message on this thread looking for support, who doesn't have setbacks or have times when they feel they have regressed, I would be extremely surprised.

I have had moments/months when things seemed like life would be great. But then life happens. Sometimes its something big, sometimes its something small and sometimes it feels like its nothing (just cant put finger on what's troubling me).

If its any consolation to you, right now I just don't want to feel like I feel. I don't want to meditate , medicate or talk the problem away, I just want to feel ok. But I know its ok for me to feel like this, this doesn't make me feel much better, but it reduces the vicious critic in my head which is a benefit.


I am going to put the next 15mins aside to do some reading (support stuff). (DIDNT DO!) I am going to try and accept how I feel, even though I don't like it. I am going to try and get some exercise (even brief walk). I am going to try and remain in today, not thinking of the future or past. I am going to accept I am imperfect and so is everybody else.

Writing it down makes it look like I am together and organized, well I am far from it. I will be lucky to do 1 of these things but I am only trying to suggest that for me at least, this is not a pothole free road to perfection, its a bumpy track that causes many punctures.

i feel your pain but you are doing it without meds. I dont know how you do it!!

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Gleeso yes, I am exactly like you. It's like a part of my brain is yearning to find a place in my body that is comfortable but it can't, it constantly feels like something needs to be moved into a better position. As drumpot said, I tend to post more now in trying to help people (and showing my lack of real world knowledge as I do so). It just got to a point where things are so bad that i knew if I post anything negative I'll be wasting people's time because I'm so locked in. It feels like locked in syndrome except I can just about walk.

That's the physical side. The mental side is that I'm a shadow of what I was even a couple of years ago. Music or humour rarely get past my wall of buzzing electricity that seems to render everything distant.

I havent been on medication for a long time because I took stock and realised it hadn't changed a single thing while giving me side effects that were difficult to deal with. Having said that I may consider anti anxiety medication again (benzo's) because its getting to a point where I cant even begin to relax really. Yes my mind can be occupied with a task but when the task ends i realise the discomfort (mental and physical) is still there. I think exercise would help me a lot, even shaking out my body violently for a minute or two would help me but I dont and wont do anything.

You're definitely not alone only seperated by space, it is so sad to hear you going through something so similar to me, but we've given up on ourselves so we find it hard to be warm and caring when it comes to our own situation. I just wanted to say there's someone else out there (here) who's experience is very similar. And each moment your feeling something I'm probably feeling similar too. fwiw

any can i ask how do you get by? the reason i ask is when an episode comes on i go running away like a baby to get someone anyone to help me as i dont want to go through it again.It escalates so bad that last year i wound up in hospital where basically they left me shaking and crying for a week in my bed and then i had to justify as to why i wanted my meds upped. Once that was upped the cloud cleared within 5 days and i could think rationally. I vowed to never get that bad again so when i got a few months of feeling ok i hit the gym hard, got my diet right, took my meds every day, went the cinema every weekend or a bite to eat. I lost about 10 pounds, i was 18st.Life was great. Anxiety decreased too and i was getting a comfortable nights sleep.

Low and behold boooom it hit me like a tone of bricks 4 weeks ago. This will be the 3rd christmas in a row that i am unwell for.

i still dont understand the difference between the symptoms of depression and anxiety and the affects it is having on my brain.

DeVore

Drumpot, being able to say "I'm going through a rough spot" is really helpful to other people and also very helpful to yourself. Break down that façade of "I'm ok, everythings grand" and lift the weight of expectation off your shoulders. You cant always expect to be great, dandy, super!

Other people need to hear from us (I have the same thing as you around this, so I'm as much talking to myself here as you ) that sometimes we have stumbles and things take a step backwards. Right now I have SSF going off and my job is basically going down the tubes, right at a time when I am struggling to have any motivation. Walking the dog today was my big achievement after staying in bed until 1pm, utterly unmotivated.
So, I'm just focusing on the next hour and the hour after that. Don't put expectations on yourself, don't look into the future or the past, just take the first thing off the list of things you absolutely need to get done and then toss the list away until you need it again. Don't do what I do and get overwhelmed by the list and abandon doing any of it

Gleeso_Finglas

DeVore wrote: »

Drumpot, being able to say "I'm going through a rough spot" is really helpful to other people and also very helpful to yourself. Break down that façade of "I'm ok, everythings grand" and lift the weight of expectation off your shoulders. You cant always expect to be great, dandy, super!

Other people need to hear from us (I have the same thing as you around this, so I'm as much talking to myself here as you ) that sometimes we have stumbles and things take a step backwards. Right now I have SSF going off and my job is basically going down the tubes, right at a time when I am struggling to have any motivation. Walking the dog today was my big achievement after staying in bed until 1pm, utterly unmotivated.
So, I'm just focusing on the next hour and the hour after that. Don't put expectations on yourself, don't look into the future or the past, just take the first thing off the list of things you absolutely need to get done and then toss the list away until you need it again. Don't do what I do and get overwhelmed by the list and abandon doing any of it

seems to be a bad month for most of us.

I know where you are going with the whole mindfulness side of things its just so so hard to try and focus on the present moment. I have been looking into cbt and to be honest i should have done it years ago. I have a little list on my macbook at home it is basically some cbt ideas i plucked from the internet, logging my thoughts and and trying to break things down. I have been running from this as i couldnt think of anything positive i could write down. My big achievement for today was going to smyths to do some christmas shopping and even that in itself gave seemed like a 10k jog,and i felt disorientated, i got no enjoyment or self accomplishment form doing it. I really hope these dizzy spells go away too as i cant really focus.

Lollipops23

Has anyone else found that sometimes being constantly exposed to others who suffer with anxiety and depression (and talk fairly constantly about it) actually exacerbates yours?

I work with someone who suffers badly, but talks every day about it. Every little thing seems to centre on it for her and we're all expected to pander to her whims.

I try my best to be supportive and lend and ear, but it's really and truly beginning to wear me down. I suffer myself- and I have tried so many times to help her by sharing my experiences and just listening when she's needed to unload.

The problem is that this unloading is now overwhelming for me. I find myself having far more anxiety now than I did 6 months ago, and I'm certain that all this negativity can't be helping. I don't want to be a total b*tch, but I'm at the end of my tether.

Gleeso_Finglas

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Has anyone else found that sometimes being constantly exposed to others who suffer with anxiety and depression (and talk fairly constantly about it) actually exacerbates yours?

I work with someone who suffers badly, but talks every day about it. Every little thing seems to centre on it for her and we're all expected to pander to her whims.

I try my best to be supportive and lend and ear, but it's really and truly beginning to wear me down. I suffer myself- and I have tried so many times to help her by sharing my experiences and just listening when she's needed to unload.

The problem is that this unloading is now overwhelming for me. I find myself having far more anxiety now than I did 6 months ago, and I'm certain that all this negativity can't be helping. I don't want to be a total b*tch, but I'm at the end of my tether.

thats fair.....u should try distance yourself for your own health lollipops. my wife feels the same way my whinging is taking its toll on her and has her a bit under the weather.