LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

Gleeso_Finglas

I just dont get it. I need this page to mentally vent folks sorry.

I started Mindfulness based CBT and its all about letting go of struggling/ fighting with thoughts and feelings. I was like so you want me to do the opposite of what I have been doing and thought the past 8 years the reason im like this is because i cannot sit with the thoughts and feelings.He trys to keep getting me to connect to the present moment and allow my thoughts and feelings to come and go.I have to say thank you to each negative thought that comes up and allow it to pass. I go once a week and have done 5 or 6 sessions but i am still feeling ****. The anxiety is fcuking horrible and the only thing that stops my body from rattling for a few hours is the valium. The therapist said it could take months or a year to get to grips with it. I like the whole idea of it and he said its a long term solution he wants for my life.

how am i supposed to hold out and hope that this type of therapy works and while at the same time try to decrease some medication,work a full time job and try connect with my family. ive been down and out since november and it has hugely effected my wife "my angel" as my mood is not picking up and i am a recluse. UGH im just so unhappy as i have never been like this for so long.

Hugo Stiglitz

Let a different psychiatrist at the clinic during the week. Very impressed that this doctor gave me a really long time to discuss things. It gave me a glimmer of hope in the system again.

I suspected that a high dose of one particular medication was causing me difficulty in areas of concentration and comprehension, while still being anxious as **** at times. Managed to get the dosage halved. Hopefully should see an improvement, or at least just realise that I'm thick.


Do any of y'all ever get the niggling thought that ye're unfixable?

mickstupp

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Do any of y'all ever get the niggling thought that ye're unfixable?

Not exactly. It's not something I ever 'get', because I've never not had that thought. Unfortunately.

Hugo Stiglitz

mickstupp wrote: »

Not exactly. It's not something I ever 'get', because I've never not had that thought. Unfortunately.

I hear ya, man. *bro-hugs*

Insect Overlord

I haven't posted in this thread in a while. I got in early after DeV's opening post but haven't needed to vent too much since then. I'm still subscribed to it so I skim through every day, but I must admit I'm usually too distracted to read everybody else's stories.

I think being a little bit self-centred stops me from worrying too much about the nasty stuff that affects other people. I can still remember a conversation I had over 10 years ago where I outlined all the things in my own life that were upsetting me, and then went on to list all the other f*cked up stuff that would still be happening in the world even if things in my little bubble were to suddenly improve. I was deep in misery at the time but didn't know enough about depression to understand it.

Most things have improved for me since then (I'm older and wiser anyway!) but I still go through troughs every now and again. This autumn/winter was probably the closest I've been to full-on anxiety since the end of 2009 or the summer of 2011. I let myself over-think a few things, which caused them to snowball, and then that got in the way of college work and other projects. Simple stuff that really should only have required 3 or 4 hours of attention ended up taking me 4 months. I very nearly dropped out of my masters course, and only the course director knows it. I couldn't tell my parents or my girlfriend or my best friends. Scary couple of months there. Was convinced I was going to run out of money as well.

Things are looking up since the beginning of the New Year. I had a feeling stuff would get better, but I still don't know if I'm seasonally affective or if I've just created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Tonight I'm coming down with the early stages of a nasty cold (man flu :P ), I'm exhausted from work and other commitments, I've had one drink too many, but I'm still happy. I'm coming back up again. Just hoping it doesn't all hit me again next winter.

Hope the rest of ye are doing well too.

DeVore

Gleeso, I don't know what to tell you but I'll tell you something that was a kind of "aha" moment for me. A friend did something thoughtless and hurtful to me. It wasn't really deliberate other than that they just didn't consider my feelings and they should have. Of course my head started to make something of this and drag me down. So I shoved the hurt away. I went to fry some fish for dinner. And the angry thoughts returned and I shoved them away. I continued to fry the fish and continued to fight the thoughts and before I knew it I was ... frying... the ... motherfncking....sh*t....out of this.... MOTHERFNCKING GODAMNNED FNCKING FISH.


So I sat down and just let the hurt come, I allowed the thoughts to come and felt through the emotions I didn't try to stop them and I examined my feelings without prejudice. Yes I was hurt, yes it felt **** that this person had just completely ignored my feelings and yes, that was rude and hurtful of them and yeah, I was wounded by that.

When I was done, the thoughts didn't return. Somehow processing them like that rather than fighting them had given them the time and attention they deserved and they were satisfied. When they did try to resurface I was able to calmly say "nah, you had your time, giving you more is just greediness" and that some how worked.

I dunno if this is what you are asking about, its just my experience. Hope it helps.

steamengine

An File wrote: »

I haven't posted in this thread in a while. I got in early after DeV's opening post but haven't needed to vent too much since then. I'm still subscribed to it so I skim through every day, but I must admit I'm usually too distracted to read everybody else's stories.

I think being a little bit self-centred stops me from worrying too much about the nasty stuff that affects other people. I can still remember a conversation I had over 10 years ago where I outlined all the things in my own life that were upsetting me, and then went on to list all the other f*cked up stuff that would still be happening in the world even if things in my little bubble were to suddenly improve. I was deep in misery at the time but didn't know enough about depression to understand it.

Most things have improved for me since then (I'm older and wiser anyway!) but I still go through troughs every now and again. This autumn/winter was probably the closest I've been to full-on anxiety since the end of 2009 or the summer of 2011. I let myself over-think a few things, which caused them to snowball, and then that got in the way of college work and other projects. Simple stuff that really should only have required 3 or 4 hours of attention ended up taking me 4 months. I very nearly dropped out of my masters course, and only the course director knows it. I couldn't tell my parents or my girlfriend or my best friends. Scary couple of months there. Was convinced I was going to run out of money as well.

Things are looking up since the beginning of the New Year. I had a feeling stuff would get better, but I still don't know if I'm seasonally affective or if I've just created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Tonight I'm coming down with the early stages of a nasty cold (man flu :P ), I'm exhausted from work and other commitments, I've had one drink too many, but I'm still happy. I'm coming back up again. Just hoping it doesn't all hit me again next winter.

Hope the rest of ye are doing well too.

I can only speak for myself, I reckon I am affected by SAD as it recurs on a yearly basis with an improvement in Spring and Summer. Last year has affected me more than others - I reckon because of the lack of sunlight which has been in short supply since October.

I expect it every year, it's like an old friend - but I also expect it to disappear in the Spring, about now. I also find Christmas feeds into it with all the stupid things one has to attend to, and on time too. Somehow it all passes, everything does - just hang in there.

What I have to do to avoid going back on meds is exercise outdoors - walking, cycling, golf and the sun shining helps a lot too. I also fight it by boxing clever so to speak, if negative thoughts appear like some cringe-worthy episode from years ago, then I look for some positive thought to eliminate it. We've all made mistakes but we've done good things too. Don't be hard on yourself is an oft quoted phrase in here and how true it is. In fact be as kind to yourself as you possibly can.

La.de.da

Gleeso_Finglas wrote: »

I just dont get it. I need this page to mentally vent folks sorry.

I started Mindfulness based CBT and its all about letting go of struggling/ fighting with thoughts and feelings. I was like so you want me to do the opposite of what I have been doing and thought the past 8 years the reason im like this is because i cannot sit with the thoughts and feelings.He trys to keep getting me to connect to the present moment and allow my thoughts and feelings to come and go.I have to say thank you to each negative thought that comes up and allow it to pass. I go once a week and have done 5 or 6 sessions but i am still feeling ****. The anxiety is fcuking horrible and the only thing that stops my body from rattling for a few hours is the valium. The therapist said it could take months or a year to get to grips with it. I like the whole idea of it and he said its a long term solution he wants for my life.

how am i supposed to hold out and hope that this type of therapy works and while at the same time try to decrease some medication,work a full time job and try connect with my family. ive been down and out since november and it has hugely effected my wife "my angel" as my mood is not picking up and i am a recluse. UGH im just so unhappy as i have never been like this for so long.

Heya gleeso. Just on the CBT. when I started this a few years back I wasn't in the best place and thought what is this crack pot therapist rambling on about.
But after a while it all started to make sense.
I would have the ability now I'd say 80% of the time to control and rationalise my thoughts before they consume me.

It's frustrating as hell, I can empathise. Give yourself some credit for seeking the help in the first place and working on yourself, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Gremlinertia

Hey there Gleeso, it was seven or so months before it clicked at all for me.. The first almost two months were me battling how hippy dippy it sounded. It's weird and counter intuitive to the way I managed for the previous seventeen plus years and i rejected it all the way until little bits started to sneak in without me being aware and now while it's not some magic cure all it's definitely helped with how I cope with things and helps me not to knee jerk react to things which was one of my major issues.. Keep on at it if you can at all.

Calibos

While I got over my year long bout of depression and anxiety for the most part over the course of 2013 and came off the SNRI, I haven't been 100% since. The fatigue and brainfog and lethargy and lack of motivation remained. I'd have transient physical anxiety symptoms frustratingly without a mental cause it seemed a lot of the time. ie. I'd have a very edgy day physically out of the blue without a trigger. However a few xanax in the cupboard taken as needed have been enough. (14 every 5 months or so) However, because the fatigue, lack of motivation and brainfog etc remained, I started to wonder if I had beaten the bout of depression after all. Maybe it wasn't beaten but had just reduced to a manageable level these last 2 years. Maybe I should actually be still on a low does SSRI/SNRI??

Last Autumn I came across a Vitamin D article. I had always joked that I probably had SADS because I don't get much Sun but after reading the in depth article I realised it was no joke and that Vitamin D defiency didn't just mean feeling a little down in Winter. It had many physical effects and symptoms too like.....Fatigue, Muscle/Joint aches, Lethargy, Brainfog, lack of motivation. ie. Symptoms I've had for most of the year for the last few years. Now while these symptoms are common symptoms of a myriad of other causes, I had ruled out a lot of other causes with these symptoms over the last few months via blood tests and research. No harm in taking Vitamin D supplements to rule this out too. I was a bit more confident that I might be onto something this time though after what I read. The average white person at our latitudes is deficient and we're actually evolved for it!! Me, I don't even get the sun exposure of the average Irish person. Its why as a 42 year old I have the skin of a 26 year old . I was never outdoorsy, I'm a night owl, work inside and shifts allow me to lie in for the strongest hours of light etc.

https://www.vitamindcouncil.org/

I read this site and decided to order some 10,000iu Vitamin D3 capsules on Amazon. (plus Vitamin K capsules if one is megadosing Vitamin D) Keep in mind a multivitamin only has a few hundred IU and Tesco D3 is 1000iu. You need to go to healthfood shops or for higher IU capsules. Bought some 5000iu from the local healthfood shop but they cost a bomb. For the the price of a months worth in the healthfood shop I got a years worth on Amazon. So anyway, I've been taking 10000iu a day for about 3 months now since November and got my bloods and a Vitamin D test in the docs last week. My Vitamin D came back normal which when one considers I've been megadosing D3 for 3 months indicates that I was definitely deficient if my levels are only 'normal' now after those three months of megadosing.

The important result though is that the lethargy and fatigue and brain fog and lack of motivation are pretty much gone. I have achieved more in the last 3 weeks than in the last three years and have almost finished clearing a backlog of tasks, DIY, house maintenance, cleaning etc etc I've been guilt ridden and depressed about these things going undone for the last few years but now I am motoring through them. I feel much brighter and optimistic too and not overwhelmed by everything.

Definitely think Vitamin D Defiency was one of my problems and it looks like I've found the solution for it.

bridgettedon

That's an interesting post Calibos. I struggle with motivation, lethargy and fatigue. I thought I would just have to live with these and was just a lazy person. I will look into this further. I honestly need to take at least one or two days a week where I do very little otherwise I struggle through the rest of the week.

Calibos

I should clarify that Vitamin D isn't actually a Vitamin it's a hormone which is very important in many of the bodies metabolic systems. Unlike the Vitamin C 'Cures all ills' alternative medicine malarkey there is actually a myriad of science and studies behind Vitamin Ds importance. Where there is debate is in supplementation dosage. There is growing concensus that recommended supplementation levels are way too low certainly for people at our latitudes and indoor lifestyles. However, although the Likes of Vitamin B and iron etc levels are part of a set of standard blood tests I don't think Vitamin D test is. You have to ask for your D levels to be tested.

That site used Edmonton Canada as an example where the average white person never mind people of colour cannot produce Vitamin D between October and April! That used not be a problem as Vitamin D is fat soluable and you'd store up enough in late Spring, Summer and early Autumn to get your body through the winter. However that was when we were all out in the fields bareback gathering the harvest not sat in an office all day. Edmonton is actually the exact line of latitude as Dublin. Ironically the Aussies have a huge Vitamin D deficiency problem because of all the suncream they use.

I'll back off down to 1000-2000iu May through September.

DeVore

I've gotten a juicer. Now, I'm definitely not your "yoga and kale" kinda guy. Don't laugh but its like if you gave Father Jack a Nutribullet.
A friend has bothered me to get one and I'm giving it a go. Bought a weeks worth of fruit and veg (about a *months* worth normally!) and started to make juices for breakfast (fruit and granola and nuts) and lunch (greens like avocado, kale, spinach, rocket, asparagus), all mixed with some coconut water, milk, yogurt etc.

I must admit to having been quite dubious about this. I am not a big fan of veg. I'm not very keen on doing *anything* in the morning. But I do like a nice fruit smoothie once in a while so I figured I'd lash out on this stupid bullet thing.

So, this could be correlation rather than causation, it could be random chance or coincidence, but since the day I have started, I've felt better. More energy, more motivation, more often saying "I'll get that done and out of the way" than the usual "meh, I'll do it tomorrow. probably."

I haven't noticed a direct connection with mood but I know that when I achieve things (even small things like cleaning up the kitchen), I definitely have a better, brighter mood.


Like I said, this could all be correlation. The food drive could be powered by the same change of mind that has powered the new energy but it seems more probably that if you put good quality petrol in the car, it runs smoother.

The problem with my approach is that its not cheap. The price of veg and fruit is shocking in some "convenience" stores. But you don't have to buy an expensive juicer and tons of expensive veg to improve your diet. I'm definitely seeing some benefits from getting 5 a day.

La.de.da

DeVore wrote: »

I've gotten a juicer. Now, I'm definitely not your "yoga and kale" kinda guy. Don't laugh but its like if you gave Father Jack a Nutribullet.
A friend has bothered me to get one and I'm giving it a go. Bought a weeks worth of fruit and veg (about a *months* worth normally!) and started to make juices for breakfast (fruit and granola and nuts) and lunch (greens like avocado, kale, spinach, rocket, asparagus), all mixed with some coconut water, milk, yogurt etc.

I must admit to having been quite dubious about this. I am not a big fan of veg. I'm not very keen on doing *anything* in the morning. But I do like a nice fruit smoothie once in a while so I figured I'd lash out on this stupid bullet thing.

So, this could be correlation rather than causation, it could be random chance or coincidence, but since the day I have started, I've felt better. More energy, more motivation, more often saying "I'll get that done and out of the way" than the usual "meh, I'll do it tomorrow. probably."

I haven't noticed a direct connection with mood but I know that when I achieve things (even small things like cleaning up the kitchen), I definitely have a better, brighter mood.


Like I said, this could all be correlation. The food drive could be powered by the same change of mind that has powered the new energy but it seems more probably that if you put good quality petrol in the car, it runs smoother.

The problem with my approach is that its not cheap. The price of veg and fruit is shocking in some "convenience" stores. But you don't have to buy an expensive juicer and tons of expensive veg to improve your diet. I'm definitely seeing some benefits from getting 5 a day.

Did the juicing last year for a while. Felt great after a week of so. First few days my body was like' what the fcuk are you drinking'.

Stopped doing it as I was using one of those juicers that separates the pulp from the juice and it was a pain in the arse to clean.
May invest in an aul nutri bullet.

mickstupp

Yay. Cause rumination is just want I need incoming right now. It. Just. Won't. Feck. Off.

I have one of those juicy whiskerupper zapper spinny choppy smoothie maker things. Very cool. Very fond of banana + carrot + spinach. Or ice-cream, cocoa powder, pears and apples...

There are countless excellent recipes online. None of them fix rumination, but many of them taste good.

DeVore

La.de.da wrote: »

Did the juicing last year for a while. Felt great after a week of so. First few days my body was like' what the fcuk are you drinking'.

Stopped doing it as I was using one of those juicers that separates the pulp from the juice and it was a pain in the arse to clean.
May invest in an aul nutri bullet.

Yeah, I had one of those too. Pain in the goolies after a while so I just stopped too. Also you just get the juice and its pretty ineffective with things like asparagus or avocado. Its all well and good drinking fruit juices but while they have some decent nutrients, they also come with a metric sh*t ton of fructose which if you don't use immediately (like 30 seconds) will get stored as fat. Great before a work out or a walk but not so good to drink litres when sitting on your ass typing on Boards. Not that I'm doing that, right now. No.

The nutribullet works for me because I'm lazy. I don't even want to peel stuff if I can avoid it.
I don't think anyone has to buy one to eat healthily, but I do think good diet is important for mental health. It can be hard to bother your arse when you are feeling down, which is like so many things about this, you just don't feel like doing the things that will make you stop feeling that way. Gym, proper food, socialising etc...

Anyway, I guess. Good food = good. That's my point. I'm a guru, aint I.

bridgettedon

I feel quite strange at the moment. I know that is it only the meds that are keeping me from going downhill. I'm not happy in any area of my life. I'm sick of everything and don't want to do anything. I've given myself a junk food and television day as I really need something to help me perk up a bit. I'm sick of trying to be happy. I didn't bother going to work on Friday. I just feel really lonely and fat. I know eating junk food won't help me but it works in the short term.

Joya

I quit meds fully aboout a month ago, feel quite light-headed, easily forgetting things, as if I am high but not in a good way..

This is my third attempt to quit and go fully sober (no alcohol either or anything else) and I know about this from before.. this period in which the brain needs to readjust..

I decided not to go back to meds this time. I hope my brain will manage to balance itself somehow after a while... and to work and function in a meanwhile..

Lollipops23

Why is it always run ins with my extended family that kicks off my anxiety? What is the weird hold they have on my self esteem and confidence? Any time I stand up for myself and put my foot down, I'm painted as the villain.

Neyite

DeVore wrote: »

The nutribullet works for me because I'm lazy. I don't even want to peel stuff if I can avoid it.

I'm totally lazy too, so I've the one where you blend the whole shebang in the bottle and swap the lid. No nozzles or pipes or bits to wash. Blade is built into a lid, you rinse it stick the other lid on and job done.

For those like me who cant afford a nutribullet the Breville one is good, and considerably cheaper. It does harder stuff like carrots and ice cubes too, so I buy frozen berries (again, way cheaper) and it blends those perfectly.

My favourite combo is Mango+ Banana + OJ + Greek Yoghurt.

DeVore

Joya wrote: »

I quit meds fully aboout a month ago, feel quite light-headed, easily forgetting things, as if I am high but not in a good way..

This is my third attempt to quit and go fully sober (no alcohol either or anything else) and I know about this from before.. this period in which the brain needs to readjust..

I decided not to go back to meds this time. I hope my brain will manage to balance itself somehow after a while... and to work and function in a meanwhile..

Ok, that's your choice and I hope it works out for you.(really, genuinely I do!) I personally don't think people should come off their meds cold-turkey or do so without telling their doctor. It just seems dangerous and I've seen it not work with friends before and it wasn't good.

I'm uncomfortable discussing it on this thread because it veers too close to the "medical advice" that our lawyers have so many heart failures over.

I hope it works out for you Joya, maybe just let your health practitioner or counsellor know. (certainly let someone in your family or close friend know).

Joya

DeVore wrote: »

Ok, that's your choice and I hope it works out for you.(really, genuinely I do!) I personally don't think people should come off their meds cold-turkey or do so without telling their doctor. It just seems dangerous and I've seen it not work with friends before and it wasn't good.

I'm uncomfortable discussing it on this thread because it veers too close to the "medical advice" that our lawyers have so many heart failures over.

I hope it works out for you Joya, maybe just let your health practitioner or counsellor know. (certainly let someone in your family or close friend know).

oh thank you for your concern but no worries, i have talked with my doctor about it of course. the first time i tried on my own but was really surprised by how i felt when i went suddenly cold-turkey as you call it. so she advised i have to take it very gradually and second time it took me about 6 months to reduce the dose till i had it one day on lowest dose then one day off. but i came back to higher due to personal circumstances i was not able to cope with again.
so this is the third time, me going off. just wish to fully claim my life back.
physical symptoms are easier to deal with then the psychological ones - in my case that is.

i am noticing what the meds did to my brain really just now when i am getting off of them. something changed in its structure and i can feel it.
however, for those 3 years i was on them i have to admit i had to ...
i also was in counselling for 2 years and i can only say that my psychologist saved my life, i will be grateful to her forever.

Joya

ps.
perhaps just to note also, my second try was about 6 months ago and actually, people from Depression & Anxiety thread helped me to accept and see that me going back to meds again was not a failure, not to see it as a failure.
it meant lots at the time..

(at that time also a friend of mine committed suicide .. so it fell very hard on me..)

Joya

so perhaps just to say what happened briefly to me before that,
in 2009 i got sick and had 3 consecutive very hard operations due to which i was unable to work for about 6 months due to post-op pain and process.
in december 2009 got divorced after 12 years being w my ex..
then in april 2010 my mother died suddenly at the age of 64..
then recession came and i was placed on short term lay off, (worked for over 10 years as an architect), then was taken back for 6 months for 3 days a week, but made redundant in dec 2011. our company just could not endure anymore and construction industry went to zero (or lower).

so i started to study for IT, and also got the internship in 2012. i worked for 8 months full time (unpaid) while studying, and they were promising me the job afterwards, only to send me the message via email, 2 weeks before the end, that they just have to let me go. (they took 2 other interns instead).

that was the point in which i guess i just couldn't cope anymore.
the way they treated that issue was beyond my comprehension and it hit me so hard, and on top of everything else.
(yes, at that stage i was also for about 4 years in a relationship with irish guy who had addiction problems, but whom i loved very very much, but had to end it as i could not take any more) (i am still friend with him, but not in a relationship).

so in june 2013 i searched for professional help and that is how i met my therapist.. she advised meds straight away but i was reluctant to take them,
until i experienced few episodes of panic attacks (in relation to two colleges i was studying parallel, and the january exams stress)..
...
so yes, m here now.. i finished the IT college in a meanwhile and also got a full time permanent job (while going to my second masters college).. i hope to see the end of the tunnel i was in, and so i wish to quit the meds..
D&A thread helped at the time to talk a little about troubles i was going through so i will be looking forward to seeing it running again, for the sake of people in similar situation who may search for it...

Hugo Stiglitz

Kick the meds ass, Joya!

Joya

thanks Hugo, fingers crossed, gently : )...

Hugo Stiglitz

Joya wrote: »

thanks Hugo, fingers crossed, gently : )...

I hope to join you eventually, but it might be a few years off just yet.

Joya

yes, no point to rush.. that's why i said "gently" for myself too.. pushing it will do more bad than would create any good me thinks..

Hugo Stiglitz

Joya wrote: »

yes, no point to rush.. that's why i said "gently" for myself too.. pushing it will do more bad than would create any good me thinks..

Slow and steady wins the race.

La.de.da

I often wonder what I'd be like without the meds. Considering a consultation with regard to lowering them quite soon.

Having low thyroid and auto immune issues I am now convinced that those played a huge role in my mental health wellbeing.

Best of luck Joya. Keep us updated .