LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

ToddyDoody

They might get the disability. Then who's laughing?

failinis

ToddyDoody wrote: »

They might get the disability. Then who's laughing?

Mh?

DareGod

Has anybody else done much reading up on the ego and how it can contribute to us feeling depressed? (Buddhist works, Eckhart Tolle works, etc etc)

For me, personally, in hindsight I can say for certain that my ego was the main cause of my depressive states over the years. Whenever my ego took a bashing, I went rapidly spiralling into darkness.

So, I've been working on destroying my ego over the past couple of years and I will continue to work on it. And it has helped quite a lot. I've noticed a lot of progress. But, obviously I'm not quite "there" yet.

Sometimes, my ego still reacts ever so slightly badly to certain things that used to damage it much more heavily. Thankfully, it doesn't react as badly as it used to, as a result of my having worked on it, but certain things still "sting" a little. Like, if I come across "an ex" on social media... Years ago simply just seeing them on social media at all used to sting me badly. Sometimes even now, it still stings a little, especially if the content of their post is something that hits a nerve with me, even though it has nothing to do with me... my ego really feels a sting.

I know that I'm not explaining this clearly enough at all, because I don't really know how to. My overall point is about the journey of destroying the ego in a bid to reduce the ego's power over the emotions. Is anyone else on this journey, or have you read anything about it?

failinis

DareGod wrote: »

Has anybody else done much reading up on the ego and how it can contribute to us feeling depressed? (Buddhist works, Eckhart Tolle works, etc etc)

For me, personally, in hindsight I can say for certain that my ego was the main cause of my depressive states over the years. Whenever my ego took a bashing, I went rapidly spiralling into darkness.

So, I've been working on destroying my ego over the past couple of years and I will continue to work on it. And it has helped quite a lot. I've noticed a lot of progress. But, obviously I'm not quite "there" yet.

Sometimes, my ego still reacts ever so slightly badly to certain things that used to damage it much more heavily. Thankfully, it doesn't react as badly as it used to, as a result of my having worked on it, but certain things still "sting" a little. Like, if I come across "an ex" on social media... Years ago simply just seeing them on social media at all used to sting me badly. Sometimes even now, it still stings a little, especially if the content of their post is something that hits a nerve with me, even though it has nothing to do with me... my ego really feels a sting.

I know that I'm not explaining this clearly enough at all, because I don't really know how to. My overall point is about the journey of destroying the ego in a bid to reduce the ego's power over the emotions. Is anyone else on this journey, or have you read anything about it?

I think I know what you are getting at.
For me its mostly certain things that stop me doing what I want to do (like art or going for a walk) like the times when I broke my hand.
I kinda felt like all my worth was in what I do with my hands and therefore I was worthless, and just got darker and darker. Let a few weeks pass - cast off, everything brightened up again.

Thats more a reaction to physical factors but I have a problem seeing my ex online, I just re-beat myself up for letting it fail.
I don't really wish to get back with her again, its just I feel guilty and like I could have done so much better for her.

Not read much about id and ego type thing, only in passing but may have another look.

Glad that you are finding a way through it and working on it though.

DareGod

failinis wrote: »

I think I know what you are getting at.
For me its mostly certain things that stop me doing what I want to do (like art or going for a walk) like the times when I broke my hand.
I kinda felt like all my worth was in what I do with my hands and therefore I was worthless, and just got darker and darker. Let a few weeks pass - cast off, everything brightened up again.

Thats more a reaction to physical factors but I have a problem seeing my ex online, I just re-beat myself up for letting it fail.
I don't really wish to get back with her again, its just I feel guilty and like I could have done so much better for her.

Not read much about id and ego type thing, only in passing but may have another look.

Glad that you are finding a way through it and working on it though.

This is it exactly. It happens when we have subconsciously placed a huge chunk of our sense of self-worth in one part of who we are or what we do, and when that part of us gets torn down, our entire sense of self-worth crumbles and we can go rapidly spiralling down.

The material on "the ego" teaches that our self-worth is not actually dependent on the parts of ourselves that we think it is. It teaches that we are alive and therefore are already completely worthy - and so is everyone else. The process of truly realising this is a journey of education and, most importantly, of practice. "Realising" it is different to simply "acknowledging" it or "agreeing with" it - it means truly living and being it. It involves a dramatic shift in your soul. And when we stop believing that our self-worth is based upon one aspect of who we are, we also stop believing that of others, and become less judgemental of others. We start to react differently to the actions of others, which in turn reduces the negative emotions we feel even further.

That is a very basic overview of my own personal interpretation so far of the teachings of the ego. I have a lot more to learn and to clarify. There is much more to it, but I think there is a lot of vital learning to be done that could help some of us dramatically. I'm not referring to clinical depression here, obviously, but I mean those times when we find ourselves in darkness because our sense of self-worth has been severely challenged.

DareGod

Ran out of my meds on Sunday and for reasons beyond my current control I'm unable to replace them until Friday.

Side effects... extremely vivid stress dreams, including hallucinating that I'm being physically thrown around the place, waking up scared and exhausted, afraid to go back to sleep. Fits of crying.

I know it's nothing compared to what most of you have been experiencing, but still, I'm reeeeally looking forward to getting back on them on Friday.

Hope you're all doing well?

failinis

DareGod wrote: »

Ran out of my meds on Sunday and for reasons beyond my current control I'm unable to replace them until Friday.

Side effects... extremely vivid stress dreams, including hallucinating that I'm being physically thrown around the place, waking up scared and exhausted, afraid to go back to sleep. Fits of crying.

I know it's nothing compared to what most of you have been experiencing, but still, I'm reeeeally looking forward to getting back on them on Friday.

Hope you're all doing well?

Jesus I'm sorry its being so turbulent for you right now - is the earliest you can get them Friday?
Your in my thoughts, its ****e when you run out of meds x

DareGod

failinis wrote: »

Jesus I'm sorry its being so turbulent for you right now - is the earliest you can get them Friday?
Your in my thoughts, its ****e when you run out of meds x

Thank you failinis. It's someone else's fault that I'm unable to refill the prescription until this Friday but it's completely my own fault for not being more organised. I won't let it happen again, I've learned my lesson. I've been here before and fortunately I know that the side-effects will subside pretty quickly over the weekend, once I'm back on the tablets.

I hope you're well this week.

failinis

I feel bad because I seem to keep repeating the same things over and over again - but I try and do it on here and not to friends in person because it would annoy the **** out of them.

I had a few neurological tests done (not MRIs but in person tests) when I was there 2-3 weeks ago.
One which I got a "positive" on was the Romberg test (stand still with eyes closed - I hit the deck).

When I get out of bed at night, if I do not turn a light on, I will literally slam into the floor before I take a step, (floor, wall, bookcase, any target for a sleepy innocent kneecap/head will do) so I was aware of this - but not that if I stand still and close my eyes I basically fall right over.

Anyway I decided to read up on that again (not the illness just the science behind falling over like that) and it started to say (I will quote)

A positive Romberg test suggests that the ataxia is sensory in nature, that is, depending on loss of proprioception. If a patient is ataxic and Romberg's test is not positive, it suggests that ataxia is cerebellar in nature, that is, depending on localized cerebellar dysfunction instead.

Okay, good I was thinking "it says sensory in nature not cerebellar" because the possible illness is based in the cerebellum section.
I messaged a friend happily about this then I read further down the page and it still stated "however a positive rohmberg tests suggests the following....and one was the same illness the specialist said.
I am so angry that I had false hope and that it was ME who gave me the false hope and then it was snatched from me.

Listen - before anyone tells me to not read up on things, or to not bother worrying now before I get a diagnosis - I get that, I ****ing get that logical ****ing part in all this but if you were in my shoes you would get logical me - then worried me.
I can't cancel the other out and i am trying ****ing hardest to keep on going.

Turtle_

failinis wrote: »

Listen - before anyone tells me to not read up on things, or to not bother worrying now before I get a diagnosis - I get that, I ****ing get that logical ****ing part in all this but if you were in my shoes you would get logical me - then worried me.
I can't cancel the other out and i am trying ****ing hardest to keep on going.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Almost impossible to not look things up, I do it myself. You must be worried sick. Have you anyone who can support you a bit while you're waiting on results and trying to find out what's wrong?

failinis

Turtle_ wrote: »

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Almost impossible to not look things up, I do it myself. You must be worried sick. Have you anyone who can support you a bit while you're waiting on results and trying to find out what's wrong?

I am fully aware of the whole "I have a head ache and google says its a brain tumour" type of thing and yes, the whole googling things.
I think everyone does it, to some extent?

Its just I am trying to understand how I went to that appointment about all non-brain issues to then be told yes I have bad neurological signs and might have a serious **** off illness.
So trying to "get" why I can't put two feet in front of each other (like ya know the drunk person test in a straight line) and falling over when eyes closed/darkness. Its not like how everyone will walk into things in the dark, its like I take 1 step and I am on the floor.
Plus I can not balance on my feet if I am stood still, I sway and have to lean on things or keep moving on the spot.
They all looked so innocent to be honest??

I don't have any close friends here at all.
Well I have 1 person but its such an early friendship I don't want to scupper it by getting too personal and dump such rubbish on them (as I have 2yrs left of uni after Sept.) so I am relying on my friend in Letterkenny and Dundee but both have their own lives to live and their own worries so I try and not annoy them to much.

I am on a waiting list to see a University counsellor as well (hoping to see one v soon).

Turtle_

failinis wrote: »

I am fully aware of the whole "I have a head ache and google says its a brain tumour" type of thing and yes, the whole googling things.
I think everyone does it, to some extent?

Its just I am trying to understand how I went to that appointment about all non-brain issues to then be told yes I have bad neurological signs and might have a serious **** off illness.
So trying to "get" why I can't put two feet in front of each other (like ya know the drunk person test in a straight line) and falling over when eyes closed/darkness. Its not like how everyone will walk into things in the dark, its like I take 1 step and I am on the floor.
Plus I can not balance on my feet if I am stood still, I sway and have to lean on things or keep moving on the spot.
They all looked so innocent to be honest??

I don't have any close friends here at all.
Well I have 1 person but its such an early friendship I don't want to scupper it by getting too personal and dump such rubbish on them (as I have 2yrs left of uni after Sept.) so I am relying on my friend in Letterkenny and Dundee but both have their own lives to live and their own worries so I try and not annoy them to much.

I am on a waiting list to see a University counsellor as well (hoping to see one v soon).

Yeah I think everyone does Dr Google a bit.. Like when you're worried about something and you know all the information in the world is right there at your fingertips...

I hope things go well for you with the university counsellor, if you have a tutor/course head it might be worth filling them in that you're unwell and going through a lot of tests to figure out what's wrong. They can be very helpful in keeping options open for you in college, like if you need to take a semester off at some stage.

I'm sorry, I don't know what your family situation is like. Do you have anyone in your family you can talk to?

failinis

Turtle_ wrote: »

Yeah I think everyone does Dr Google a bit.. Like when you're worried about something and you know all the information in the world is right there at your fingertips...

I hope things go well for you with the university counsellor, if you have a tutor/course head it might be worth filling them in that you're unwell and going through a lot of tests to figure out what's wrong. They can be very helpful in keeping options open for you in college, like if you need to take a semester off at some stage.

I'm sorry, I don't know what your family situation is like. Do you have anyone in your family you can talk to?

I told the tutor I am closest to, and she was very supportive and understanding about it - and made me fill out an extra time form for deadlines.
I got a reply saying I need to submit the form 4 weeks before each deadline (individually) and only reapply if circumstances have not changed.
Its a ball ache to keep filling out form after form for the exact same thing but its something I just gotta do though.

My parents have point blank not spoken to me since we all attended the appointment. They are in denial over it and I go home for the easter break which will be awkward I would rather stay here.

I know I am making my self sick with worry - which makes me worry more.
Its just a bad cycle and I wont break it till I am told what it is or is not.

Gremlinertia

I can't imagine what you're going through Fallinis, i hope posting here is giving some small comfort.

failinis

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I can't imagine what you're going through Fallinis, i hope posting here is giving some small comfort.

I feel like I keep going through the same things again and again - hoping that if I look at it another way - nothing is wrong with me - but clearly something is and the out come is more what it is rather than its nothing.

I feel bad for posting here as its a physical illness kind of thing but its messing with my head hugely and I feel that I can post it here, people can choose to read it or skip over it - where as with friends in person they will be to polite to tell me to shut the **** up.

Since I started posting here I have "improved" - I am sleeping better and eating more, and I can "pause" the thoughts for a few days instead of a few hours.
But once the "pause" is over it comes back just as before (times like this).
I will settle down again by tomorrow.

Gremlinertia

Sometimes sharing to relative strangers is as good a relief as anything, hopefully you've found that people respond mostly to your posts.

Hugo Stiglitz

You're as welcome as anyone else here, Failinis.

failinis

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Sometimes sharing to relative strangers is as good a relief as anything, hopefully you've found that people respond mostly to your posts.

To be honest I don't mind if people skip over my posts, its depressing me to deal with it, let alone make others think about it so I understand not everyone wants to read about it.
But just to know people are listening to me is nice, I feel such a child again since my parents are not there to go to, like, I am only 20, your parents are the go to for emotional support in most cases and they can't deal with it.
I don't blame them but I feel horrible, its like I don't exist to them.

Turtle_

failinis wrote: »

I feel like I keep going through the same things again and again - hoping that if I look at it another way - nothing is wrong with me - but clearly something is and the out come is more what it is rather than its nothing.

I feel bad for posting here as its a physical illness kind of thing but its messing with my head hugely and I feel that I can post it here, people can choose to read it or skip over it - where as with friends in person they will be to polite to tell me to shut the **** up.

Since I started posting here I have "improved" - I am sleeping better and eating more, and I can "pause" the thoughts for a few days instead of a few hours.
But once the "pause" is over it comes back just as before (times like this).
I will settle down again by tomorrow.

It sounds like it's a physical illness causing a lot of distress, if posting here is helping keep posting. It's a very healthy step for you, much better than bottling it up and worrying about it on your own.

Sucks that your parents aren't being more supportive. I wonder if they're so frightened that they're just blocking everything out? Terrible reaction.. But I suppose it's one of those things, as you get older you start seeing all the flaws in your parents, and they aren't all healing any more...

It's really hard to manage worrying thoughts. There's a book called Overcoming Worry. You might be able to get it in your uni library, it uses some CBT techniques. It might help you get a bit of space from the worry.

failinis

Turtle_ wrote: »

It sounds like it's a physical illness causing a lot of distress, if posting here is helping keep posting. It's a very healthy step for you, much better than bottling it up and worrying about it on your own.

Sucks that your parents aren't being more supportive. I wonder if they're so frightened that they're just blocking everything out? Terrible reaction.. But I suppose it's one of those things, as you get older you start seeing all the flaws in your parents, and they aren't all healing any more...

It's really hard to manage worrying thoughts. There's a book called Overcoming Worry. You might be able to get it in your uni library, it uses some CBT techniques. It might help you get a bit of space from the worry.

I gathered as much that my parents were not dealing with this that well, and kind of "get" why they are in denial but it still ends up hurting me.
I know I am an adult now but I feel this is a special circumstance that is not "deal with it yourself" territory.

Speaking to my friend in Dundee, she told me to message my mum about how it was effecting me that I had radio silence especially after getting such ambiguous news from the doctor.
I did tell her I was pissed off but if she wanted to talk to me again about anything but the illness then that was fine.
She replied that she had a lot going on and tried guilting me.
Yes I know she has a lot going on as well but its bad for either of us to bottle it up?

My brother was finally diagnosed as autistic (he is 27 but we all "knew" he was autistic but now we have proof and he can get support he needs) but my mum is putting all her focus on to him and I feel jealous. Its silly. I know.
But we know what he has, he can get support and it wont kill him will it.
I feel so bad for thinking like that.

I have been able to go to classes and do the work, robotically (its good to keep a pattern of your days I think) but on the weekend I was finding it hard to leave the bed let alone house.
Today I forced myself to go out and get on the boat to the next headland (so I kind of had no choice but to be "out" as I was a boat ride away) - it was good to be out side but I over exerted myself, all of my days energy was gone by 3pm. But I know now for next week to not over tire myself but to certainly go out, even just for a short walk and sit down in a cafe somewhere.

I will try the library search for that book (or in that same vein of book of they don't have it).

Thank you to everyone on this thread. Its just been a real rough time lately, and I know I post here loads and hog it but its needed right now. Sorry.

Kermit.de.frog

I feel I might have depression on and off but I have never felt the need for medication or anything like that. I just deal with it. It can be tough sometimes but in a strange way you get use to these sessions and you can block things easier in your own mind with time. My problem sometimes comes with thinking over and over again about one thing or another, what people have said, how I am perceived etc. This can affect your sleep, your work and your mood in a big way.

Hugo Stiglitz

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

I feel I might have depression on and off but I have never felt the need for medication or anything like that. I just deal with it. It can be tough sometimes but in a strange way you get use to these sessions and you can block things easier in your own mind with time. My problem sometimes comes with thinking over and over again about one thing or another, what people have said, how I am perceived etc. This can affect your sleep, your work and your mood in a big way.

Most definitely, Kermit.

How do you handle it?

murria

failinis wrote: »

My parents have point blank not spoken to me since we all attended the appointment. They are in denial over it and I go home for the easter break which will be awkward I would rather stay here.

I know I am making my self sick with worry - which makes me worry more.
Its just a bad cycle and I wont break it till I am told what it is or is not.

Hi failinis! I understand how you're feeling, I was in a similar situation about 20 years ago, I was being tested for MS and I know that the anxiety is horrendous. It makes any suspected symptoms 100 times worse and you start to mistrust your body and become suspicious of the slightest twitch or pain. I actually discovered a couple of other things wrong with me while waiting for the results because of the heightened awareness of everything to do with my body.

This is a very worrying time for you so I would encourage you to post on here and the other forum, there is great support to be found on these boards. I would not discourage you from researching the illness either, you can find great comfort from people's personal stories and information on current medical research. My son had a very frightening illness ten years ago (he's the same age as you by the way) and I found a brilliant forum that put a lot of stuff into perspective and stopped me worrying so much.

I know that lots of people don't speak about difficult things for fear of upsetting the other person, we all think we are protecting each other but in fact we are doing more damage by not speaking out and facing and feeling our fears and emotions. That might be where your parents are coming from, also the fact that they are not there with you they might worry that if you become upset they can't physically comfort you and that's a horrible situation for a parent. Obviously I have no idea how your relationship with your parents is, so I apologise if I'm wrong. Hopefully you can talk properly with them on your Easter break.

I have learned a lot about mindfulness over the last few years, I only wish I had known about it back in the days when I was worrying about my health, I could have stopped the panic at least for some of the time.

Sending you a warm hug.

failinis

murria wrote: »

Hi failinis! I understand how you're feeling, I was in a similar situation about 20 years ago, I was being tested for MS and I know that the anxiety is horrendous. It makes any suspected symptoms 100 times worse and you start to mistrust your body and become suspicious of the slightest twitch or pain. I actually discovered a couple of other things wrong with me while waiting for the results because of the heightened awareness of everything to do with my body.

This is a very worrying time for you so I would encourage you to post on here and the other forum, there is great support to be found on these boards. I would not discourage you from researching the illness either, you can find great comfort from people's personal stories and information on current medical research. My son had a very frightening illness ten years ago (he's the same age as you by the way) and I found a brilliant forum that put a lot of stuff into perspective and stopped me worrying so much.

I know that lots of people don't speak about difficult things for fear of upsetting the other person, we all think we are protecting each other but in fact we are doing more damage by not speaking out and facing and feeling our fears and emotions. That might be where your parents are coming from, also the fact that they are not there with you they might worry that if you become upset they can't physically comfort you and that's a horrible situation for a parent. Obviously I have no idea how your relationship with your parents is, so I apologise if I'm wrong. Hopefully you can talk properly with them on your Easter break.

I have learned a lot about mindfulness over the last few years, I only wish I had known about it back in the days when I was worrying about my health, I could have stopped the panic at least for some of the time.

Sending you a warm hug.

Thank you, I think I can understand how you felt back then and its horrendous.
Yes I am much more aware of my bad gait and balance problems - which I previous passed off as being a clumsy bugger but now after reading into types of gait its an early sign of something not giving correct signals.

Agree with reading up on things - however I am not yet diagnosed it was only "highly suggestive of a recessive neurological condition" (the one he mentioned a lot during the appointment).
There is another good chance its "new" genetic condition so there will be nothing for me to read up on as its started with my family line
Once I know, what it is/is not then I think its a starting point to research and educate myself on whatever it is - right now its limbo and I have no idea how long limbo will be.

I also think once I am home, in person, I can talk to them properly, even if its simply to have an argument to clear the air and move on.

Its just so tough, I have no idea what I have, it may be serious, it might be something entirely new (so who knows it might be harmless).
Its the not knowing.

I am glad (if thats the right word) to hear that you were as anxious as I was but as you got older you have learnt to deal with these worries and anxiety.
Thanks.

DeVore

Lots of people who post here about their mental health have external reasons for it. It doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with so don't feel like the reason for your depression is any reason NOT to post about it. We all share our experiences of being in the same place, how we got there isn't really very relevant. Personally I feel a sense of value when you say posting here makes you feel better. Thank you for that.

Also, its perfectly natural to feel peeved your parents aren't giving you the attention you want. We all feel the need for some TLC when something hits us and we want other people to acknowledge that we are going through a tough time. That's a perfectly natural emotion. You shouldn't let it turn into a weapon for your depression though, because in my experience, depression just LOVES a weapon like that to beat you about the head with. Yes your parents have dropped the ball here imho. That's on them. This is your life though and your responsibility to yourself to do whatever is needed to take care of yourself. I think you are well up to the job.

failinis

I got my letter back about disabled student allowance (scoliosis) and the NI health people have agreed to pay for anything to help.
The woman helping me get the DSA wanted to hear what the London Dr. said so I gave her the medical report, they are now adding this as extra consideration.
They can help me get extra time for hand ins.
The woman also put me down for a counsellor appointment for next Monday, she said I should go to one appointment just to see, if I disliked it then no need to go again, but to try it once. Don't mind that idea to just try it. Again, repeating the same stuff over and over, was telling my friend "I can't be so unlucky" - my mantra until I know for sure.
My boss (informal boss) knows roughly that I am not exactly "well" and that I was told surprising not expected news and said, what was it, "Law of unintended consequences". He is right, no matter what, something that seemed innocent has been noticed for what it is, a symptom, and no matter what it is, its good I will eventually know?
Hell, even the whites of my eyes are tinged blue, never knew that was something ****ed up.
Thanks guys.

failinis

Was held for 2 days under mental health act in a Cornish hospital - when I get fevers I get delusional, take down my temperature and I get back to myself.
Was on corridor on a bed for 9 hours, apparently "tried to escape twice" which I assume means getting up to find bathroom and being mentally confused when I don't know what hospital I was in. Never been to this hospital and sure I was brought in on an ambulance cause my fecking head was melting.
I asked for pain killers (simply fecking paracetamol, my GP gave me 2 before phoning the ambulance cause apparently it was way way way too high) but they did not? I don't remember much of the first day.
The second day the nurses were very cold towards me and I heard them gossiping on other patients and also me, saying "oh mental problems" - made a complaint about that once I was discharged.
I am angry but I am very weak feeling - was accused to be faking my unsteadiness for being a "drunk iorish person" and I may be making a complaint once I am on my feet again. Real kick in the teeth. I have asked for my medical reports to see if I was in anyway violent but I doubt it, its more like night terrors when I get it so I am scared more than kicking out.

DeVore

That sounds terrifying. My thoughts are with you failinis. Try to focus on whats ahead of you today more than reviewing what was obviously a pretty dreadful experience.

Hugo Stiglitz

That sounds like a horrible time, Failinis. So sorry you had to go through that.

failinis

DeVore wrote: »

That sounds terrifying. My thoughts are with you failinis. Try to focus on whats ahead of you today more than reviewing what was obviously a pretty dreadful experience.

90% of every fever I have, I get delirium? I just never ended up in hospital over it and they clearly did not feel it was normal that every time I get a fever it seems to climb enough to start melting my brain.
Yeah I am trying to focus what to do for rest of week etc.

They kept me in for tests because my blood work did not show an big increase in antibodies expected to fight infections (even though the fever was slowly going down) so its just an anomaly in me eh.

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

That sounds like a horrible time, Failinis. So sorry you had to go through that.

Just having a pretty bad week, feel so weak. I know I have the counsellor on Monday so just gonna keep my eyes on that.