LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

vg88

I did something bad and am in trouble (€180 damage). I should of seen someone sooner. I hope it'll be done away with the probation act (90% solicitor sure) so no conviction hopefully.

My family found out how my head is. I don't why I did this, I just wasn't thinking in the right mind frame. I feel my anti-depressants are failing as I'm having panic attack daily now (before I never had one while on medication). I cut myself for the first time in a year by scratching my arms when I was in trouble. I suppose I'm back to start of everything. My depression is back and anxiety is killing me. This incident threw me off the cliff mentally.

My family are making me see 2 therapists now. They know how bad it is. I don't know what to do. I ****ed up. I hope I don't pay for the rest of life because of this blip. I do a lot of charity work and am a regular platelet donor (I have a very high donation level for someone my age) and getting support from college with it for references.

However I'm finding a lot of support from friends and family I never knew I had. Maybe I needed a huge storm like this to make me get back to be actually ok. I had a mental evolution today for the case with my mother, I only realised today how far I came from with my intellectual disabilities.

I suppose my friends, girlfriend and family are rallying behind me. Maybe I should be grateful that I have so much support. I know now I'll probably need this support for the rest of my life to stop me falling off the road again. I hope things will get better.

Sorry for posting this, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

failinis

Moloner4 - I am horrible at knowing what to say to people so I wont say anything except use this thread if you need it as its certainly helping me.


My fever is gone but I seem to be getting a bad flu from it. Add a tooth ache as well.

Recieved the updated letter (by email) today and yup - "concerns of autosomal recessive conditions and a autosomal recessive neurological needs to be investigated".

Missed 2 calls (ignored) from London today, ignored a letter from GP, ignored phone call from GP, ignored mother and ignore DSA team and also ignored counsellor.
Called off counsellor and DSA appointments.
Woah its almost like a new record for me - how many people can I ignore and pretend nothing is happening.

Feel like I am on shut down mode right now.

DeVore

Moloner4, its good that you have a lot of support around you. That makes a world of a difference. This ISNT back to square one unless you let it be that. This is a bump in the road. a wheel off the wagon but you've done very well in the last year you said so you know you can be there, in that good space. Before you didn't know that and that knowledge, that you can get to that good place, is what you should focus on. We all did stupid things when we were young, it wont mar your life, in a few years you wont even remember I bet. But take the positives from this, you are aware now that you have a lot of loving people around you. Give them value by letting yourself lean on them for a while. Its a nice gift to them.

Failinis, I know what shutdown mode is like and you're in the wars right now so it feels like its justified. I wish I could give you a great big hug. But you need to fight now, you cant retreat because while one day off is fine (hey, everyone needs a little "me-time" when the world can just go and f*ck itself) and as nice as that place is, you cant stay there ... Call your GP back, call the counsellor to remake the appointment, start the process of "spinning up" as I used to call it in my head and head back to the surface because the world is better with you in it.

Robsweezie

Anyone doing darkness into light for pieta house in may?

murria

failinis wrote: »

If say, I do happen to have to a mouthful of "autosomal recessive / neurological disorder" then it won't ever get any better.
I don't think I need to know. If my heart gives out or my walking continued to get worse then yeah the dr was right. I don't know what I will do if someone tells me I have the above.
Ignorance is bliss. I know I am sick with a flu my head is on fire and inflated feeling which is maybe making me self pity but I don't think I will be seeing another dr (about this stuff).

Can't say I blame you. Do you have very many symptoms at the moment?

murria

Robsweezie wrote: »

Anyone doing darkness into light for pieta house in may?

Yes, I've been doing it for a few years. It's such a great event. Where are you thinking of doing it?

murria

Failinis, does anyone else in your family have FA? I really feel for you, it's so scary not knowing and the mind can run riot reading significance into all those symptoms which might be innocent enough. One thing my husband always says is "don't worry until you know what it is you have to worry about", which has calmed me down on many occasions.

So if I've understood you correctly, on a day to day basis right now you are functioning well enough, why not keep reminding yourself of that when your mind goes into overdrive. Focus on your breath for a few seconds and say "I'm OK at this moment", it might just stop your thoughts cycling out of control. By the way I had to Google pes cavus only to find I have that too and the hearing thing.

vg88

Thanks all for the support, I really appreciate it.

Yesterday the anxiety for me was so bad I nearly wanted to start cutting. But I opened a new chapter. I started to do breathing and mediate and my god it really ****ing worked. Sometimes I need to just stop thoughts running in my head. However I never felt so great after the breathing.

I think things may actually getting better for.

DeVore

That's terrific Moloner, its great that you found a different way to cope and also that it opens up all these possibilities that your depression has probably told you weren't worth trying etc (that's what mine does anyway!). My reaction was the same "jesus, this stuff ISNT baloney?!"
CBT might help with the racing mind too, I find I have to head it off the minute it starts to spin up or I'll be lying awake for 3 hours designing wood turnings in my head and solving math equations. Yeah, you know, the fun stuff -.-

Gleeso_Finglas

Fcuk me I am crap 5 months now it pains me just writing this. Basically my psych doc spoke with me last week and told me the the medication i am on is very heavy and quite a good medication. She advised that my behavior is the problem and this is something my family have said to me too that when an episode happens i just give up and dont try to help myself I go running for the medication every time.. I look for it to be increased. My routine is as follows get up at 7:20am (riddled with anxiety) go to work blag my way through each day come home, put my feet up and listen to mindfulness for hours. My wife never asks me to lift a finger except maybe to put the bin out.
I made a boo boo too and came off a certain med and replaced it with valium (done through my gp) and now im being weened off it and put back onto the previous meds and this is alot harder than i anticipated. im down from 15mg of valium to 6mg in the past week. And re introducing the previous med is minimum so its not having an effect.

I am being told that basically my meds are working and that my behavior has to change. go for a walk, do more house work, plan things for the weekend. Im having a horrible time and find everything pointless.

I am also seeing a mindfulness based cbt therapist privately and i have subscribed to the headspace app. I can see that it will be excellent for me once i get through this very difficult time but for now i am in a position where i have to try get myself through this episode rather then rely on medication............this is poxy. anxious, despressed ....awful.

PTH2009

almost a year off my rispiridone tablets and i could not be happier to be off them

They made me put on about 2.5 stone in weight which i still have not got rid off. They made me paranoid, look like crap, hungover like effects on me in the morning, appitite was through the roof and i had a desire to drink lots of alcohol on them.

they almost got me sacked from work as i became easily irratated and paranoid.

should never have been on them in the first place but whats doesnt work for others works for some

failinis

Got a letter a few days ago telling me to make an appointment in GP for bloods.
Got one today said to make an appointment to discuss the geneticists letter.
Ignoring them.
It is childish to be ignoring all this, I know.
I think, I am going back to Ireland for almost 3 weeks next Friday - once I return I may face it.

Wanderer2010

I have been seeing a counseller for 2 yrs now to improve self esteem and get over some severe bullying from childhood, she has been brilliant, never rushed me, let me bawl some very old and rusty upsetting experiences out of my system and helped me think differently. Thing is, I have hit a rut where, although I'm not in as much despair as I used to be, I'm still not confident enough to go out and join clubs, meet people and expand my circle.

I'm shying away and we have reached a stalemate where she now sees any of my fears as: "Now that sounds like an excuse to me, you know how strong you are, you are making excuses" which a small bit is true but I feel I cant say anything to her now until I have gone out and met new people so in a way I feel I cant approach her for help about even how to go about it. SHe was so good up to this point and I feel myself slipping back into depression about how I cant bring this up with her. But its chicken and egg? Is she at fault for not discussing it with me or have I exhausted her and now need to take the plunge..

DeVore

Its scary and yeah you might fail but its the next step. Remember how scary it was to go to a counsellor in the first place? Its that level of scary again BUUUUTTTTT its the next floor up so to speak. Give it a try, if it fails you have something new to talk to her about and she can then help you with that. I suffered a lot of bullying in school too, it really degrades your self of self-worth but its fixable, its not something you have to carry with you forever. You've carried it this far, that's enough.

Drumpot

moloner4 wrote: »

I did something bad and am in trouble (€180 damage). I should of seen someone sooner. I hope it'll be done away with the probation act (90% solicitor sure) so no conviction hopefully.

My family found out how my head is. I don't why I did this, I just wasn't thinking in the right mind frame. I feel my anti-depressants are failing as I'm having panic attack daily now (before I never had one while on medication). I cut myself for the first time in a year by scratching my arms when I was in trouble. I suppose I'm back to start of everything. My depression is back and anxiety is killing me. This incident threw me off the cliff mentally.

My family are making me see 2 therapists now. They know how bad it is. I don't know what to do. I ****ed up. I hope I don't pay for the rest of life because of this blip. I do a lot of charity work and am a regular platelet donor (I have a very high donation level for someone my age) and getting support from college with it for references.

However I'm finding a lot of support from friends and family I never knew I had. Maybe I needed a huge storm like this to make me get back to be actually ok. I had a mental evolution today for the case with my mother, I only realised today how far I came from with my intellectual disabilities.

I suppose my friends, girlfriend and family are rallying behind me. Maybe I should be grateful that I have so much support. I know now I'll probably need this support for the rest of my life to stop me falling off the road again. I hope things will get better.

Sorry for posting this, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Hi Moloner,

Your post starts like the start of a beautiful new journey. A path with support, is much less daunting then a path on your own.

My father, whom I was extremely close to, died suddenly last Tuesday. I always dreaded that day and it was quite easily the worst day of my life by a country mile. We had to make the call for the specialists to switch off life support. We were with him as he took his last few breaths. I am crying even writing it because I cant even begin to describe how painful and sad this whole ordeal has been.

Then the funeral arrangements had to be made. We didn't know where to start but family and friends kicked in to help. One in particular who I didn't really know was just amazing. I picked out dads coffin and helped arrange the majority of the funeral with my sister. We pulled together when we don't always know how, because that's what happens in times of tragedy.

I spoke and said some words at my dads funeral. Most people were advising me not to and were really worried for me. But it went as great as I could of imagined. I even managed to get some laughs, which is exactly what my dad would of wanted. He was a kind, overly generous and lovable gentleman and I was able to be useful and comforting to my family.

A couple of years ago I started coming to this forum. I had been going to counselling for decades, was on all sorts of medication and to be quite frank I didn't see any light or positive stuff coming my way.

In those years, I have built up a support mechanism that has been priceless and learned things about myself (CBT and support groups) that all culminated in me being able to deal positively with my father’s passing. I am so grateful that my dad didn’t pass away while I was plagued with panic attacks , sleep paralysis, lived each day in fear/anxiety and just generaly felt different levels of depressed state. You can look through some of my older posts to get an idea but I can relate to a lot of what you said.

Some of my trouble involved alcohol and I have since resolved that problem. It wasn’t easy, but with SUPPORT and a WILLINGNESS to be guided onto a new way of living, my life (good or bad) feels manageable and I can deal with all situations as they arise.

Some people say to me “you are so strong, but I am not like that” . . No No No, this is the mistake I and many other people make when they think that they cant do what I did. I was hopelessly lost and just about as pathetic a person as you could hope to find. I didn’t get well or improve because I just have a hidden gem of strength inside me. I got well because I got to the point where I didn’t want to live the life I had anymore. I surrendered to my hopeless state and put my trust in support from family, friends and professionals. I didn’t just look to one area for help.

Most of my pain started in my head. My thoughts, my reactions to things and how I perceived the world around me. The reason so many here, in my opinion, struggle like I did, is because they don’t have the emotional tools to see life with clarity. In short, I was sensitive to the world around me and didn’t know how to react in a balanced fashion to my life as it was happening.
Certain awful life events happened to me when I was younger, none of which I am going to share here, but I had enough excuses to say “well x happened to me, so I have every right to feel bad/anxious/sad/angry/pity” etc. I would fall into the “well if this happened to other people they would feel as bad as me” or “I know that person has it worse then me, but I am just pathetic”.

I believe, with every fibre of my body, that most of the people on this forum can have a much better life. I also believe it’s been the hardest and most difficult thing to “get”. If it was easy, we wouldn’t need this forum, so please do not think for a second I am saying that this is an easy path. It has savage bumps and sometimes it felt for me that things were getting worse, not better.
The way I like to think about it, is that my state of mind needed to be changed completely, but my depressed/anxiety state was like a disease trying to fight back. When I started my rehabilitation (much of which is shared on this thread), I would have huge setbacks where I would feel even worse than before I started the process. At those times, I felt like just quitting whatever I was doing and start something else or just accept my fate to be unhappy for life.

I built up a support network but very importantly it required me to be open and honest about things I didn’t understand. That’s not easy and there were times when I had spoken with somebody and realised “that wasn’t exactly true what I said”. I had an automatic response for things that I realised was me hiding/defecting attention from what was really going on. It was probably a sub conscious learned technique, but think of it like the disease tightening its grip on me when I was looking for something to combat the pain.

Learning to confide and simply tell family, friends and professionals took a long time. Learning to TRUST that professionals knew more then me, even when I didn’t agree or like what they advised, was extremely important. Quite often I wouldn’t like what was being said and when I chose to do what I thought, I very frequently went back into my old, sad way of living. When I started to actually listen and try (as if I was a child being told what to do, without doubting or questioning things) the techniques being advised, I begun to turn my life around.

Its taken me years to get to where I am. If I continued to follow what I thought and allowed my own thoughts and beliefs to continue to be my default setting, I may not be here today to even write this. I was suicidal and self-destructive. On paper, you would see me having pretty much the exact same life I had before I started, the entire change in me has been in my head and I am so grateful that I have been able to get to the mental state I have today.
I do not take any medication (anti depressants, sleeping tablets, xanex etc) that I needed at the beginning. To me, these were never a long term solution. They were a support of their own, but like a crutch the kind of support that you would hope to be finished with some day. They were never a solution for me but I honestly didn’t believe I would ever be able to be “drug free” in this regard.

I know this is an extremely long post, but I want to reach out to anybody who thinks they cannot see an end to their pain. There is hope, there is a better way to live, but you need to reach out for support, embrace a new way of living and persevere. You can have a better life, your life is not forfeit. Coming to this thread is a superb start. There was a time when coming here was all I had, but over time I built up the support and mental tools (Opening up to family/friends, CBT & Support rooms) that have led me to this week. The worst week of my life, the worst day of my life. I learned to love myself. I learned to feel again, sometimes it wasn’t nice and sometimes it has been great. I leanred to live , I learned to have hope that had long gone.

You can do it moloner, you may not realise it, but you have made huge steps. I embraced the support from friends/family. I allowed myself to be vulnerable around these support networks. I Prioritised my wellbeing and mental health. So many people , like I used to, say “I don’t have the time or money for help” etc, that’s just not true. Ask yourself “if I was diagnosed with cancer, would I say I don’t have time for medical treatment?”. I don’t know one person who would have better or more important things to do. I don’t know one person who wouldn’t find the financial means to get the best treatment they could. And yet we think mental health is something we need to choose to prioritise. This is the disease trying to tighten its grip and convince us we aren’t sick. It lies to us and manipulates us into isolation.

I hope that everybody here can find the hope and support you need.

windy shepard henderson

fantastic post above ^^^, great stuff

failinis

I can't say I had an argument with a friend over this but she things I am being foolish.

If I don't see any neurologists or geneticists then I am not waiting for results, so not as nervous.
If I was waiting for results I would be nervous as I would be expecting a yes or no.

If no tests, no results. Its going to rip me apart.

Say my health gets worse, yes I will see a doctor, I am not a total fool.

Edit: She says I am being a coward, yes I am. If I change my mind I can be put on the waiting list at any time.

DeVore

Your mind isn't going to "forget" it if you just ignore it. Its still going to be in your subconscious and its going to make its presence felt. Knowledge (either way) is better than not knowing. Also, there may be a preventative treatment that could slow, stop or reverse the effects but it might be too late once you start to feel the symptoms. This is true of a lot of ailments and even if its not true here, you would still have at least something of an answer, because now that this "Sword of Damocles" has been mooted, its going to bother you consciously or subconsciously. Knowledge is always better than ignorance.

Hugo Stiglitz

At times I would love for mental health issues to manifest into an actual human being so that I could try talk to it or even attack it.

failinis

DeVore wrote: »

Your mind isn't going to "forget" it if you just ignore it. Its still going to be in your subconscious and its going to make its presence felt. Knowledge (either way) is better than not knowing. Also, there may be a preventative treatment that could slow, stop or reverse the effects but it might be too late once you start to feel the symptoms. This is true of a lot of ailments and even if its not true here, you would still have at least something of an answer, because now that this "Sword of Damocles" has been mooted, its going to bother you consciously or subconsciously. Knowledge is always better than ignorance.

I am running from it.
I think because I never went to that doctor about my brain, it was about other things, I never asked for him to notice anything on my brain.

If I never went to him I would never have known and would happily continue life in total ignorance.
Which is what I am trying to do, in ignorance but its impossible because I know subconsciously no matter what something is wrong.

If this was when I was in my 30s or 40s, that it was noticed, I feel that I would be better about it, as the symptoms would be really strong by then so I knew something was wrong.
If it is the case that I do have any brain condition, I would have a few years of "so this is the best my health will ever be then is it" and a slow decline.

I feel it might screw me up if I am told I have something like that, I want to delay it. But I can't. I have never had to look at the serious possibility of having a very serious illness. Clearly I am not coping very well am I.

PaddyWilliams

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

At times I would love for mental health issues to manifest into an actual human being so that I could try talk to it or even attack it.

My therapist did this thing where I had to sit in a chair with an empty chair across from me and imagine the 'other me' sitting in it. At the start it was very daunting, I could imagine this 'other me' sitting there and I felt like a small child speaking to it, while 'it' was a strong, confident person, very willing to put me down for my insecurities. That all changed with each session though. Soon, the real me was the confident, assured person and in time I was able to banish that 'other me'. It felt like a huge weight suddenly lifted from me and my entire body went in to a relaxed state. No tightness, no crushing feeling. Just the me I always wanted to be there. Like my worries had suddenly disappeared and for themost part I have managed to maintain that feeling. Has done my confidence a world of good.

May be something worth looking into!

DeVore

failinis wrote: »

I am running from it.
I think because I never went to that doctor about my brain, it was about other things, I never asked for him to notice anything on my brain.

If I never went to him I would never have known and would happily continue life in total ignorance.
Which is what I am trying to do, in ignorance but its impossible because I know subconsciously no matter what something is wrong.

If this was when I was in my 30s or 40s, that it was noticed, I feel that I would be better about it, as the symptoms would be really strong by then so I knew something was wrong.
If it is the case that I do have any brain condition, I would have a few years of "so this is the best my health will ever be then is it" and a slow decline.

I feel it might screw me up if I am told I have something like that, I want to delay it. But I can't. I have never had to look at the serious possibility of having a very serious illness. Clearly I am not coping very well am I.

I think "not coping very well" is a perfectly reasonable response to this news tbh!

But look at the language you are using, you already have yourself in an early grave, with declining health and its all downhill from here... that may be the reality of the situation but equally IT MAY NOT. So you aren't in a state of "ignorance", you've already mentally decided the worst (depression is very good at doing that!). You're mentally living with a condition you haven't even been properly diagnosed with!!
I don't think knowing will screw you up, in fact I think NOT knowing is going to screw with you a lot more. Wouldn't it be worse if you got to your 30s and found out nothing was wrong or that it was treatable and you've spent your 20's being like you are now?

What is the worst that the doctors can tell you? Could it be any worse than the conclusion you have already jumped to??!

failinis

@Devore - I can see how stupid and over reacting I have been. I think I will go home now on Friday for Easter and try and relax and then deal with it when I am back again in April and to go on the waiting list at least.
Yeah my head has jumped to the worst possibility, as it would, I am finding it very hard to shake that. I know I am running off from it but I think soon I will have the sense to deal with it.

mickstupp

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

At times I would love for mental health issues to manifest into an actual human being so that I could try talk to it or even attack it.

I was thinking about getting a punching bag for the shed and naming it "stupid head". I could get some exercise while getting out some of my stress.

Robsweezie

mickstupp wrote:

I was thinking about getting a punching bag for the shed and naming it "stupid head". I could get some exercise while getting out some of my stress.

You know what would be good for Anger? A "rage room", a free of charge rented room with plates, cups, glasses, anything you can smash off a wall into pieces. You can go there on any day you need to vent, and people donate their unwanted smashable items to help the cause.

mickstupp

Robsweezie wrote: »

You know what would be good for Anger? A "rage room", a free of charge rented room with plates, cups, glasses, anything you can smash off a wall into pieces. You can go there on any day you need to vent, and people donate their unwanted smashable items to help the cause.

I've been off booze for over eight years. I still wake up every day with cravings. Being in Germany right now surrounded by all the beer I can't drink is really annoying.

Your idea is right at this moment exactly as desirable as a pint. That is a lot of want in me. I must not give in to the dark side... but I'd love to smash some plates.

DeVore

One is too many and a thousand would never be enough Mick. Very impressed with your strength there.

Smidge

I've always read this thread but have never had any real input as technically, I don't suffer from depression. Actually, my problem is anxiety. And I know for a fact, that it can be as crippling and as debilitating as depression.
i know a lot of other posters, who probably don't post here, suffer from the same thing but dont post as it is seemingly a different issue.

Anxiety. Its horrific.
The shakes, the sweats, the not sleeping. The feeling that at any minute your heart is going to come through your chest and have a bloody heart attack. And the muscle pain afterwards from the spasms!! The nightmares are vivid. No matter how rational and "normal" a person you are in day to day life.
You can FEEL it building and feel powerless to defend against.
Something people dont talk about.

It changes you. I have recently had a bad bout(lasting over a month long) and tbh haven't slept more than an hour or two at night. Which I rationally know compounds the issue, but the rational me has no choice in the matter.
I choose to take no medication for the issue, my choice.
I was prescribed meds once YEARS ago and it made me worse tbh(just my own experience). so have gone with with breathing etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

What more can I say really?
Except mental health has different facets and you may look like the most normal person walking the street, but inside?? That's a different story

Hugo Stiglitz

Smidge wrote: »

I've always read this thread but have never had any real input as technically, I don't suffer from depression. Actually, my problem is anxiety. And I know for a fact, that it can be as crippling and as debilitating as depression.
i know a lot of other posters, who probably don't post here, suffer from the same thing but dont post as it is seemingly a different issue.

Anxiety. Its horrific.
The shakes, the sweats, the not sleeping. The feeling that at any minute your heart is going to come through your chest and have a bloody heart attack. And the muscle pain afterwards from the spasms!! The nightmares are vivid. No matter how rational and "normal" a person you are in day to day life.
You can FEEL it building and feel powerless to defend against.
Something people dont talk about.

It changes you. I have recently had a bad bout(lasting over a month long) and tbh haven't slept more than an hour or two at night. Which I rationally know compounds the issue, but the rational me has no choice in the matter.
I choose to take no medication for the issue, my choice.
I was prescribed meds once YEARS ago and it made me worse tbh(just my own experience). so have gone with with breathing etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

What more can I say really?
Except mental health has different facets and you may look like the most normal person walking the street, but inside?? That's a different story

That's a great post there, Smidge.

Smidge

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

That's a great post there, Smidge.

Thanks Hugo
I think one thing I was trying to get across is how people with different issues can feel and also how they feel others TREAT them when they hear of their issues.

"Sure how could there be anything wrong with, you look great. What have you got to be anxious about???"

"Depression?? What would have to be depressed about, with a great job and a house like yours??" (said to a friend of mine recently after she confided about suffering from depression on and off over the years :mad:)

Thankfully, I have never suffered from depression or have ever needed to any medication as my anxiety comes and goes but maybe things are moving in the right direction and people are talking