LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

failinis

Phoned the Belfast geneticists to explain I need to see neurology before them, the guy was very helpful and said he wrote the comments on my notes and that as soon as I know when I can see neurology then to phone them.
He said he can not guarantee that my appointment will be held as open, I may need to go back on waiting lists but that it will not strike against my name.

Not sure if I will need to fly back for appointments which will leave me on a tight budget - but I am aiming for both during the very start of summer holidays. At the moment I am like "oh its just routine appointments" and if that keeps me calm then thats what I will do.
I am seeing my GP tomorrow to ask her to refer me to neurology, sooner I am on the list the better.
So something is slowly happening on that front.

Spoke to a friend yesterday back in Cornwall and they suggested a self-referal NHS mental health place, so I can go talk to a counsellor if I wanted to.
I filled out the form and now have to wait.

I can go to one appointment and if I really don't want anymore then thats fine I can walk away, so long as I give it a go and know its there in future.

I felt in a really bad place yesterday and not felt like that in years. Its like a heavy weight just smothering you and you don't want to stop it.

failinis

I do know why I felt a sudden dark cloud over me - my mother was trying to help but she made things worse. She does care about me of course but sometimes does the wrong way of doing things - as happens to most people.

Since that stalker tried to rattle me up since I am back in Ireland my mother asked me out of the blue if I knew if he was seeing any other young girls.
I said I have not spoken to him, but a friend has seen him (nights out/in town) and it was with two different girls at different time frames.

She went on to say that if I knew that was happening I was basically just as bad as him (paraphrasing). I did not even know what to say.
I spoke to a girl that was attacked before me, she did not want to go to the police.

I did go to the police, I spoke to a nice female officer and got to know about what exactly would happen if I went a head. Which included telling a room of people what he done to me and to be judged. I refused to name him.
They had to leave it where it was. I was a coward and I still am.
I think it would be too much for me to go do it.

When it happened I went to tell my mum about what he done to me - I needed to confide in my mother and she stopped me and said "we will never speak of this again, I don't want to know ever."
I was tainted and disgusting to her.

Breaking news - a scum bag remains a scum bag - with no link to previous victims.

I have spent the past year or so trying to convince myself that it was not my fault, that I never deserved that to happen to me.

I ignored what happened to me, I focused on my school exams, eventually getting to Uni. I have not reflected upon all this as I deem it too much in a bottle to open. And I maybe don't want to even open this bottle yet, until I graduate as I would never forgive myself if I screwed up all I worked for just because I broke down to a counsellor.

I know she meant well - but it felt like a stab in the heart to me.

Esel

failinis, counselling sounds like a very good idea.

If you do go for it, give it a fair chance. It may well take a few sessions to build rapport, but would be well worth it.

failinis

Esel wrote: »

failinis, counselling sounds like a very good idea.

If you do go for it, give it a fair chance. It may well take a few sessions to build rapport, but would be well worth it.

Yeah, I was in counselling when the stalking was going on as it was screwing with my head. It was useful to me then.
I only told my therapist in the last appoint I had with her what happened (then she called the police so it was out of my hands).

I feel I am carrying quite a weight around and it will drag me down at some stage. So its better to try and lighten it before it gets too far.

failinis

Quick update: Will see a counsellor at an undecided date in nearest city to me when I return.
Seen GP for neurology stuff - she finally tested my balance and agreed it shocking and refered me to rule out any brain stuff.
She checked my notes, besides 2 small ear infections as a child no hits to the head etc so it not linked to that bit inside your ear, I don't get vertigo or dizzy I am just amazingly unsteady despite good muscle strength. Said in the dictaphone it was loss of sensory procepition or something.
I know this stuff is dull, I am bored talking about and its happening to me. I just want it over and done with.
Starting an essay today, I feel more like I have a purpose, I am planning art work to do over summer and places to visit at summer so I know I have something to look forward to. I feel it helps.
Hope everyone here is well.

skittles8710

After many years of suffering with anxiety, depression, attacks etc and after a particular bad episode I broke down to my gp three weeks ago and let it all out. She was extremely understanding and comforting. I had always had bad experiences with previous doctors when I mentioned my mental health issues so was great to finally find a good doctor who related.

I started taking anti depressants and while I can't say I've seen a noticeable difference I do feel a sense of relief that I'm taking steps to improve myself and take control over the illness.

I went for my first ever counselling session with MyMind on Tuesday as advised by my Doctor. I was very scared going in but was ready to start working on my issues. However, when I went in I found the counsellor to be very cold and clinical and not responsive to what I was saying. At no stage did I feel comfortable or that I was making any progress or that I had been given any advice to help me cope. Even my mention of suicidal thoughts weren't met with any real reaction. I left feeling worse than when I went in and got really down and had a very bad anxiety attack after as I felt I had taken a step backwards.

I would like others advice on whether you think I should carry on seeing the same counsellor or start afresh with another that I'm more at ease with? Or even recommendations in the Cork area. . I'm very worried about going back and having that experience again.

Thanks - S

DeVore

I would say find a counsellor you can work with. If you have had a bad experience with that counsellor, then don't go back to them, find a new one. Perhaps you can mention it to the organisers (or whoever) that you would like a different one. Its not at all unusual that you might not click with the first counsellor (I've a mate who's been through a dozen! ).

The important thing is that you don't give up on counselling itself. You've made AMAZING first strides, and done everything right in the last 3 weeks. Well done you! The analogy I always draw is this: if a barman was rude to you, you wouldn't give up drink!
Just like the GP's, you'll find one you can work with and things will click and you will get a lot more benefit from it!
Good luck, you've done great so far, fight back and beat this thing. Its your life, anxiety can f*^& right off with itself

skittles8710

DeVore wrote: »

I would say find a counsellor you can work with. If you have had a bad experience with that counsellor, then don't go back to them, find a new one. Perhaps you can mention it to the organisers (or whoever) that you would like a different one. Its not at all unusual that you might not click with the first counsellor (I've a mate who's been through a dozen! ).

The important thing is that you don't give up on counselling itself. You've made AMAZING first strides, and done everything right in the last 3 weeks. Well done you! The analogy I always draw is this: if a barman was rude to you, you wouldn't give up drink!
Just like the GP's, you'll find one you can work with and things will click and you will get a lot more benefit from it!
Good luck, you've done great so far, fight back and beat this thing. Its your life, anxiety can f*^& right off with itself

Thanks so much Devore, I was panicking when it didn't work out. I'm on the hunt for a new one but with very little to go on online it's hard to know..gotta just hope for the best I guess.

Ya it's early days yet but I'm hoping that if I keep working at it much brighter days are ahead. This week has been a tough one!

DeVore

You just keep trying until you find one that you are comfortable with. You need to be comfortable enough with the person that you can tell them everything, bare the darkest things in your soul. The more you can do that the more benefit you will get from the process (and believe it or not, it feels great imho!). It might take you a couple of tries to find one you can do that with (or grow to trust that way)... but you will.

WinnyThePoo

I felt sad yesterday. I feel sad today. I'll feel Sad tomorrow. I've resigned myself to that future. I'm doing my best. Keeping myself busy as much as possible.
I've found anti depressants to have had no effect on me neither. I have go to my GP tomorrow and see if I can get that sorted.

Lollipops23

I've developed a fun new facet to my nocturnal anxiety attacks- actual spasming.

It's happened 2-3 times in the last few months. Something wakes me during the night and I end up lying their almost seizing with anxiety.

Gleeso_Finglas

6 nearly 7 months with acute anxiety and terrible depression I knew that I could no longer keep going so I spent a week in hospital to get away from everything and have my meds looked at.

I have now had a mood stabiliser added to my meds and to be honest the anxiety is still there like it hasn't reverted to normal levels. I'm not crying but I am anxious about every single thing. Sounds, eating,sleeping, watching TV,going put the door, having a shower....the list I endless.

I am attending a day hospital 3 times this week and then I'm back to work on Monday. I feel like they are rushing me back to normal life. I don't feel I'm ready for it.

I intend to keep attending the mindfulness cbt but at the moment I am not feeling great.

benny79

Taught I was starting to make head way with my ex as she seems to be coping better with her depression she is a week or 2 of away of getting her own house. Last sat nite I went onto her fb page and guessed her password and seen messages from some lad she has been seen about how horny they want each other etc... I flipped and went up and confronted her she was devastated and raging tryin to calm me down.

We have been together 11 yrs and engaged and her last stent in hospital for her depression broke us.. But this isnt the girl I know she would never speak like that about sex as she is a bit prude when it comes to this stuff.

she called down to me the next day to calm me down as i had are child and was in bits, she told me she was really sorry, she's not in love with him or a relationship its just a distraction that she done nothing wrong as we were split up.. That all she wants is her own place and space away from everyone as her mother has been very cruel to her. but I was in bits couldnt sleep taught of her with some one else kept racing through my mind, couldn't go to work yesterday went to go the doc's and went back to work today and am seeing a counsellor after work.. she actually contacted my cousins wife to look after me that she was worried about me.. She knows she wont beat around the bush or take sides.

My cousins wife and my ex's aunty who shes very close to thinks she still loves me but just has her guard up cause shes afraid to let me in in case I hurt her again and is doing so well. As i have said nasty things when she was suffering with depression but I didnt understand it at the time.To let her move into her house and give her time.

So my cousins wife said to me be strong get my head together, have very minimally contact with her even when collecting child, be nice, let her see Im happy and strong and I dont want her. Try not to let her know what im up to keep her guessing and she 'll come back but might that a few months. That no girl would want you when your weak, beggin and crying to her to get back. That she still has feelings for me, she would be worried or asking about me if she didnt and there's to much history between us and are child. We were together 3 months ago at Christmas after she got out of hospital we seen each other in our local and she told me she loved me and was sorry she split up with me. but then the next day I coped she had taking coke as she was taking a panic attack which she does after it cause she worries about her heart (she has a heart condition) she was only out of hospital after 3 months been in it. I throw her out of my house cause I was so angry while she was taking a panic attack I still regret it now!

Her mam said to me the other day that she said to her at Christmas after I was with her, she taught that was it that I hated her and was never going to take her back and she said to her mam how will she ever get over me!! Even her aunty thinks she still loves me and is just in a bad place to let her get her house and dont crowd her give her time and space as shes been getting run down all her life and wants to prove to people shes strong and getting and moving her to her house on her own.

Now that I have calmed down and told her I love her she dosent want to know. she has her guard up wont let me in and i find out shes with someone even though its not serious. it would take a lot for her to do that!! Is destroying me.

Im in bits everyone thinks I have just to let her go dont harass her give her space... If she sees im happy and doesnt know what im up to she come back, but wont want me when im so weak!! That she still has feelings for me else she wouldnt be asking about me etc.. but its hard cause I feel so destroyed...

sorry for rant

failinis

You hacked into your exes Facebook, went through her private messages?
I understand how that could hurt, that she moved on, I was annoyed at how quick one of my exes moved on, but you can't keep chasing someone, thats asking for a restraining order at the most and a firm **** off.
How are her relations to know what she wants - listen to what comes from her, not gossips.

told her I love her she dosent want to know. she has her guard up wont let me in

She wont let you in because she told you no and you can't take no for an answer.

I am sorry if I am sounding blunt, you clearly are upset but you need to try and let it go.

Edit: By let go I mean you and her together. It seems to be not what she wants and you would have broken her trust breaking into her private messages, it seems rather controlling.
But you said you have a wee child, I am not saying stay away from her and your child but saying don't try and force a relationship that seems to have been rejected by your ex.

Gleeso_Finglas

benny79 wrote: »

Taught I was starting to make head way with my ex as she seems to be coping better with her depression she is a week or 2 of away of getting her own house. Last sat nite I went onto her fb page and guessed her password and seen messages from some lad she has been seen about how horny they want each other etc... I flipped and went up and confronted her she was devastated and raging tryin to calm me down.

We have been together 11 yrs and engaged and her last stent in hospital for her depression broke us.. But this isnt the girl I know she would never speak like that about sex as she is a bit prude when it comes to this stuff.

she called down to me the next day to calm me down as i had are child and was in bits, she told me she was really sorry, she's not in love with him or a relationship its just a distraction that she done nothing wrong as we were split up.. That all she wants is her own place and space away from everyone as her mother has been very cruel to her. but I was in bits couldnt sleep taught of her with some one else kept racing through my mind, couldn't go to work yesterday went to go the doc's and went back to work today and am seeing a counsellor after work.. she actually contacted my cousins wife to look after me that she was worried about me.. She knows she wont beat around the bush or take sides.

My cousins wife and my ex's aunty who shes very close to thinks she still loves me but just has her guard up cause shes afraid to let me in in case I hurt her again and is doing so well. As i have said nasty things when she was suffering with depression but I didnt understand it at the time.To let her move into her house and give her time.

So my cousins wife said to me be strong get my head together, have very minimally contact with her even when collecting child, be nice, let her see Im happy and strong and I dont want her. Try not to let her know what im up to keep her guessing and she 'll come back but might that a few months. That no girl would want you when your weak, beggin and crying to her to get back. That she still has feelings for me, she would be worried or asking about me if she didnt and there's to much history between us and are child. We were together 3 months ago at Christmas after she got out of hospital we seen each other in our local and she told me she loved me and was sorry she split up with me. but then the next day I coped she had taking coke as she was taking a panic attack which she does after it cause she worries about her heart (she has a heart condition) she was only out of hospital after 3 months been in it. I throw her out of my house cause I was so angry while she was taking a panic attack I still regret it now!

Her mam said to me the other day that she said to her at Christmas after I was with her, she taught that was it that I hated her and was never going to take her back and she said to her mam how will she ever get over me!! Even her aunty thinks she still loves me and is just in a bad place to let her get her house and dont crowd her give her time and space as shes been getting run down all her life and wants to prove to people shes strong and getting and moving her to her house on her own.

Now that I have calmed down and told her I love her she dosent want to know. she has her guard up wont let me in and i find out shes with someone even though its not serious. it would take a lot for her to do that!! Is destroying me.

Im in bits everyone thinks I have just to let her go dont harass her give her space... If she sees im happy and doesnt know what im up to she come back, but wont want me when im so weak!! That she still has feelings for me else she wouldnt be asking about me etc.. but its hard cause I feel so destroyed...

sorry for rant

Benny your not ranting you are getting stuff off your mind. I had to reply to your post as I went through something very similar to you so my advice is this and this has worked for me and now she is my wife. My advice is this...

(1) Stop listening to everyone else and follow your heart not your head. The mind works against you when you are weak so it will keep playing you horrible sad stories hoping you will buy into them. Tell her you need to meet with her as you have to tell her something that she really needs to hear. What you need to do is put all this stuff in the past and completley start fresh. Tell her today is a new day and a new start and that you love her and everything that comes with her. Tell her you will support her 100% no matter what. Tell her you will take things slow and start by bringing her on a date to the cinema or a meal and build it from there. Both of you will need to agree that the past is the past and starting from scratch is worth the try. Only you know whats good for you Benny dont listen to that give her space cr*p. Just remember she is not long out of hospital and will need a bit of time to adjust and get her head in the right place. This may all be very overwhelming for her at the minute.

Thats just my advice....we decided to start fresh and give it a good go......We got married not long ago so believe me you both can do it pal.

Maybe the girl needs space.

Hacking in to her Facebook account was very unwise and a breach of her privacy.
OP, it's obvious from your post that you are in a heap over this girl. Have you considered that she simply wants to move on? You need to let her be.

benny79

yea I told her that her aunty told me to leave her till she get her new place that she feels crowded and her mam isnt helping as shes not well and telling her to kill herself, yet she still asking about me to friends and wants to know what im up to. she rang my cousins why and asked her to have a word with me that shes worried. One of her friends said to me that she will take me back if I just give her space and let her move into her house and get her head together even her aunty who is like a mother to her told me the same that she is worried about me and that doesnt help cause shes not in a good place at the moment.

benny79

Gleeso_Finglas wrote: »

Benny your not ranting you are getting stuff off your mind. I had to reply to your post as I went through something very similar to you so my advice is this and this has worked for me and now she is my wife. My advice is this...

(1) Stop listening to everyone else and follow your heart not your head. The mind works against you when you are weak so it will keep playing you horrible sad stories hoping you will buy into them. Tell her you need to meet with her as you have to tell her something that she really needs to hear. What you need to do is put all this stuff in the past and completley start fresh. Tell her today is a new day and a new start and that you love her and everything that comes with her. Tell her you will support her 100% no matter what. Tell her you will take things slow and start by bringing her on a date to the cinema or a meal and build it from there. Both of you will need to agree that the past is the past and starting from scratch is worth the try. Only you know whats good for you Benny dont listen to that give her space cr*p. Just remember she is not long out of hospital and will need a bit of time to adjust and get her head in the right place. This may all be very overwhelming for her at the minute.

Thats just my advice....we decided to start fresh and give it a good go......We got married not long ago so believe me you both can do it pal.

I would like to say them things but she is not letting me in and getting attention of this new bloke i know its not serious cas she hasnt seen him in a while he lives in Dub and we live in kildare. She told everyone its not serious she doesn't love him its just an distraction. Her friend, her aunty and my cousins wife who is good with this stuff all told me 2 give her her space as she feels crowded and just wants 2 get her own place. My cousins wife things she still loves me just 2 hav minimal contact get out of the town at wkds go up 2 my mams even be mysterious 2 her so she'll start asking about me again! Its about the chase she wont want me if im weak! And sort my head out. Dont even go into the house when I'm collect are child.
The counsellor told me last nite i hav 2 contrate on me love me again.

Pecker31

I am getting the grey cloud over me again, thought it was gone for good. Feel like I am living outside my body looking in... I am scared to go to the doc to talk about it. Don't want to face up.

candycock

Hi candycock,
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There are some other useful services that you can use also listed here.

salsagal

CC please please reconsider. I speak as someone who has tried what you're suggesting 5 times. When I was at my lowest I just wanted the pain to cease.

The journey to recovery has been incredibly tough and long, but now I am on a more stable level, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Having spent 15 years with a death wish, I'm finally glad my attempts didn't succeed.

Please find someone to talk to, maybe the Samaritans are an option you might consider?



Mod- Removed quoted material.

failinis

I think its trivial in a thread such as this - but I always feel physical medical things effects me mentally as well.
I was told I have several "lumps" on Friday in NI by my GP there and she wanted to refer me asap but I was leaving, well, today.
So now I need to convince the GP here to refer me to get these lump cnuts looked at which just feels like can anything get worse.
"Good" news is that a neurologist apparently took interest in my notes in NI, but they can not move me up any waiting list, but when I get given a slot, I can go see them, which may be good or bad? I just ****ing hate all this. My pain keeps getting worse and I keep being told I am just a young person and there is **** all wrong with me. Yet my walking is getting worse, I can't ****ing stand in one spot with out actually falling. But sure its all grand I am putting all this **** on.

Gremlinertia

failinis wrote: »

I think its trivial in a thread such as this - but I always feel physical medical things effects me mentally as well.
I was told I have several "lumps" on Friday in NI by my GP there and she wanted to refer me asap but I was leaving, well, today.
So now I need to convince the GP here to refer me to get these lump cnuts looked at which just feels like can anything get worse.

I have a long term chronic acute pain problem that worsens over time, the strain it places on my already fragile mental health is massive, don't discount the physical factor of anything, sure a common cold makes the best of people miserable.

failinis

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I have a long term chronic acute pain problem that worsens over time, the strain it places on my already fragile mental health is massive, don't discount the physical factor of anything, sure a common cold makes the best of people miserable.

Its just like you are coping mentally and then your body throws down a sledge hammer, constantly. Things that can help one condition make another worse. Feels pointless going to doctors anymore over things.
Its nice to moan about the cold/flu cause its an accepted thing to moan about it I feel.

Gremlinertia

Yeah i don't talk too much about either condition if i can help it, so many years of it i bore myself now! However, doubling back on what i just said, i've had a tough week pain wise and it has definitely tested me pretty hard.. I'm still trying to find a balance between talking too much and not enough..

failinis

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Yeah i don't talk too much about either condition if i can help it, so many years of it i bore myself now! However, doubling back on what i just said, i've had a tough week pain wise and it has definitely tested me pretty hard.. I'm still trying to find a balance between talking too much and not enough..

I know exactly what you mean, you feel guilty even mentioning xyz condition as your friends/family heard so much so you just start to keep it all in
You can message me any time PM if you wish Grem x

Gremlinertia

Especially when the condition is invisible, how often i've considered putting a bandage or bubble wrap around my head!.

Gleeso_Finglas

Hi All,

Is there anyone else on here that suffers with General Anxiety Disorder? I would love to talk to you about it please.

failinis

Found out that I may only see a Neurologist in August on the NHS, the genetics will not hold my appointment any further than July so I would go back on a long waiting list.
I may go private to see a Neurologist in Belfast/Derry when I am back from University as my job here can pay for it luckily enough, then go via NHS for any tests they want run like MRI or CAT etc.
I feel like I am holding up, but very numb to everything?

I really feel freaked out by a referral to gyno because I have not let anyone near me (romantically or medically) since an incident a few years ago, but its medical so I need to be strong for that but it feels so much to do.

Watching students my age being generally normal, normal energy levels (of course others have hidden illness and mental illness) but you get what I mean. Having a social life. My hearing is getting so bad I can't hear the person next to me in a quiet cafe.

I feel very isolated and just waiting on medical appointments to hopefully give me answers.

I've had a really really shítty few weeks, after a period where I thought I had been making progress.
Within the past month, the following has happened:

* I finally plucked up the courage to ask out someone I liked and got (very politely and respectfully) shot down.
* I sat and failed a professional exam for the third time. The first time I really wasn't prepared, and the second time I was going through what was probably my lowest point of mental health, but I really thought I was prepared this time. I started the paper off well, had the first three questions pretty much nailed down, but then as it went on my mind started going blank and stuff just fell out of my head.
* The other night I was at a work night out and randomly, at some point during the night, a bouncer comes up to me and says "you've had enough, time to go home". I feel like I was just randomly ejected (and I've never been thrown out of a club in my life), I wasn't falling over drunk or causing any trouble or anything.

They may all seem like small, inconsequential things in the grand run but they all build up to reinforce my negative self beliefs. I'm not attractive enough, smart enough, sociable enough, I have zero talent and I see nothing but blank space when I try to imagine a future. I've been on venlafaxine now for so long that I just take it because I know that, even though it doesn't seem to make me feel any better, I'll feel a lot worse if I don't. If I miss a dose for a day or two, I feel the difference, it's hard to describe but my mind and body just "feel wrong".

I thought I was making progress, compared to where I was six months ago. Now I'm just falling backwards again. I'll never like myself enough to be happy. I am just totally lacking in far too many areas.