LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

Hugo Stiglitz

failinis wrote: »

Plus it might not be what they all seem to think, so it can be crossed out and we can all focus on finding what actually is wrong.

Its the fact I am waiting so long, I had to go private to see a neurologist before I see genetics. Still won't "know" till blood tests come back in October - November time but its all about getting the ball rolling.

I also need to see a counseller about sometime I should have seeked help for when it happened. I think now over summer since I am back home is best.
If I go it means admitting what happened to me was real and dragging it up.
I am reluctant to dredge it up now while I am also waiting for medical results. Feels like waiting for the camels back to snap.

That's a lot on your plate there. *hugs*

failinis

I agree with Hugo that even just going for the interview would be good, you don't have to take the job. And if you do its good experience, even if it not 100% up your tree.

However we all sitting here saying this from our arm chairs. I have zero idea how much work is involved for a case study. If I did then I may say focus on that!
Good luck.

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

yes there is

..Ah well lots of things...primarily its an interview. Got an interview for a job in a few days, i don't want to really do now. Its something i'm definitely interested in the future but just not now. I want to do something else now. Just finished exams and now having to sit and prepare for a fuc*ing case interview in a short period of time - i just can't do, esp since its topics that are not really my field of study. I guess it was wrong timing in applying for the job, and i was referred to the role by someone.

I don't know if im just wasting a good opportunity. opportunity doesn't knock

failinis

It's just a bad bad day thats all.

Esel

failinis wrote: »

It's just a bad bad day thats all.

"Day ain't over yet" (Curly in City Slickers)

failinis

Esel wrote: »

"Day ain't over yet" (Curly in City Slickers)

Thanks Esel.

I normally drop things about once a week, nerves a bit tired from Raynuards.
The past few weeks I have noticed a lot more.
I am just hoping its Raynuards.

Was in pretty bad pain yesterday from other things and feeling sick.
When I feel sick, I feel a lot worse mentally. Tiny things add up.

Closer I get to my appointment the more nervous I feel.
I don't want anything wrong, genetic is incurable, I will just have to accept all this. It's important to go and find out. Still not something I want to do.

Be fine in a few months.

failinis

Just had a very bad anxiety attack or whatever you wish to call it.
Felt it building the past few days, I can ignore things from my head for a few days even a few weeks but then I always need a bad day to let it spill from. I am gunna go sleep and pretend its not happening to me.

benny79

found out my partner of 11 years is seeing someone we split at Christmas as she wasn't well and was in hospital with depression for a couple of months before Christmas.. I'm absolutely devastated... I knew she was with someone 1 or twice a month or 2 ago and confronted her she said she only seen him twice & its not serious or a relationship.. She was raging I found out!

I've been trying to get back with her the last few months broke down a couple of times to her... She said she loves me very much but just needs space!!

Its like she has a wall up towards me and is afraid to let me in & is doing really well with her depression and I think she associates me with it and thinks if she got back with me she'd be weak and get sick again. We also have a beautiful boy who is 6!! this is tearing me apart!! I have had suicidal taughts and all but have been goin to counselling and it is helping But I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel I love her so much!

failinis

Just got my feed back today, got a 2:1 overall for 1st year.

I should be feeling happy, I was aiming for 2:2 or above, (and this years marks are not used for final marks, so not really need to stress too much over this).

But I feel, the best way to describe it is guilty? Which makes no sense. I feel totally worthless and just "wrong".
But I am not beating myself up about by mark, it's not an important mark.

I feel really mixed up today.

failinis

I am sorry I am posting in here so much.

Going home soon means I have to face up to my stalker again and its just enough to make me want to not go back.
Every time it is harder and harder to go back.

JupiterKid

failinis wrote: »

Just got my feed back today, got a 2:1 overall for 1st year.

I should be feeling happy, I was aiming for 2:2 or above, (and this years marks are not used for final marks, so not really need to stress too much over this).

But I feel, the best way to describe it is guilty? Which makes no sense. I feel totally worthless and just "wrong".
But I am not beating myself up about by mark, it's not an important mark.

I feel really mixed up today.

A 2:1 is a very good mark for 1st year. Give yourself a pat on the back! Many students just barely scrape a pass in 1st year because the partied hard in their first year of college. You must have put in good solid work and now you have been rewarded for this.

I only got a 2:2 in my first year but did better with each year and now I'm a lecturer.

You should be proud of your 2:1.

failinis

JupiterKid wrote: »

A 2:1 is a very good mark for 1st year. Give yourself a pat on the back! Many students just barely scrape a pass in 1st year because the partied hard in their first year of college. You must have put good solid work and now you have been rewarded for this.

I only got a 2:2 in my first year but did better with each year and now I'm a lecturer.

You should be proud of your 2:1.

I know it's a good level to be at, I think other stresses I have are kinda "damping" down how happy I should feel about this right now maybe.
Oddly feel guilty and no euphoria.
Been sick and distracted all of first year, I really have not been giving it my full attention. Very mixed up feeling.

Shint0

benny79 wrote: »

found out my partner of 11 years is seeing someone we split at Christmas as she wasn't well and was in hospital with depression for a couple of months before Christmas.. I'm absolutely devastated... I knew she was with someone 1 or twice a month or 2 ago and confronted her she said she only seen him twice & its not serious or a relationship.. She was raging I found out!

I've been trying to get back with her the last few months broke down a couple of times to her... She said she loves me very much but just needs space!!

Its like she has a wall up towards me and is afraid to let me in & is doing really well with her depression and I think she associates me with it and thinks if she got back with me she'd be weak and get sick again. We also have a beautiful boy who is 6!! this is tearing me apart!! I have had suicidal taughts and all but have been goin to counselling and it is helping But I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel I love her so much!

It is good that you are respecting her wishes for space. No matter what connections you have or have had together she has a right to determine her own future. Sometimes we have to realise no matter how much we love somebody we have to let them go. There is no blueprint or Google maps to navigate our way out of that type of heartbreak. Whatever you are feeling allow yourself to feel it. Whatever comes up is a totally normal and natural response to what you are experiencing right now. It is good that you have started counselling and getting support for yourself. Regardless of others having a formal diagnosis or receiving treatment your mental health is equally as valid. Always remember that. I hope you find peace whatever the future may bring.

DeVore

failinis wrote: »

I know it's a good level to be at, I think other stresses I have are kinda "damping" down how happy I should feel about this right now maybe.
Oddly feel guilty and no euphoria.
Been sick and distracted all of first year, I really have not been giving it my full attention. Very mixed up feeling.

Yeah I know this feeling... its almost like you aren't letting yourself celebrate somehow.

That's your depression talking, it *never* wants you to be happy because it wants you all to itself. That's why so many of us isolate ourselves socially, because if you are in a group of friends, they are likely to tell you the truth and the truth is a killer to depression. It cant twist and distort your thinking if you're constantly being corrected back to reality. So we sit and stew and work ourselves into a state. Well screw depression. You have it in writing and today, you should celebrate. Congrats! Everything will still be here tomorrow for you to worry about, right? So take today off and go do something nice if you can.

You've had a tough year and maybe a few of them. I've told you before you are so much stronger then you realise and now its on paper. In black and white! Allow yourself a smile and a pat on the back, you earned this and no one, not even your depression should take this from you.

Btw, you are wrong, your first years results absolutely impact your final year because they are the bedrock on which you will build next years exam results. Seriously, without a solid grounding in first year a student is in serious trouble because its nigh impossible to regain that ground while trying to study the next years work too! You've done that, you've laid a solid foundation for next year and you are set up in perfect position to tackle 2nd year now. You should feel strong. Rawr! Imagine how much you'll achieve when you aren't distracted by these other issues!!

Rawr!

failinis

DeVore wrote: »

Yeah I know this feeling... its almost like you aren't letting yourself celebrate somehow.

That's your depression talking, it *never* wants you to be happy because it wants you all to itself. That's why so many of us isolate ourselves socially, because if you are in a group of friends, they are likely to tell you the truth and the truth is a killer to depression. It cant twist and distort your thinking if you're constantly being corrected back to reality. So we sit and stew and work ourselves into a state. Well screw depression. You have it in writing and today, you should celebrate. Congrats! Everything will still be here tomorrow for you to worry about, right? So take today off and go do something nice if you can.

You've had a tough year and maybe a few of them. I've told you before you are so much stronger then you realise and now its on paper. In black and white! Allow yourself a smile and a pat on the back, you earned this and no one, not even your depression should take this from you.

Btw, you are wrong, your first years results absolutely impact your final year because they are the bedrock on which you will build next years exam results. Seriously, without a solid grounding in first year a student is in serious trouble because its nigh impossible to regain that ground while trying to study the next years work too! You've done that, you've laid a solid foundation for next year and you are set up in perfect position to tackle 2nd year now. You should feel strong. Rawr! Imagine how much you'll achieve when you aren't distracted by these other issues!!

Rawr!

Since Uni has pretty much tied up now for summer I have been getting more uneasy and worried (?) I realised I have to rely on myself to be distracted and busy.

I am pretty isolated here, but once I head home, well it likely won't improve when I am at home either.
I have 2 counselling places in Cornwall to go to in Sept, and I need to sort out seeing someone back home (I was PM suggests of places local to me, thanks to that person).

Exactly, I should be so happy I got a solid foundation to jump into 2nd yr now - maybe it will come when this fog buggers off.
Been a tough few years - if I can get through all this, then nothing bar a bullet can stop me!

Went out to take photo's today in my own way to "celebrate" I guess.
Been wound up so bad the past few weeks, just walking around was nice.
Feeling better, hope it lasts.

mansize

Sleeping far too much during the day

Esel

failinis wrote: »

Trying to be more social and went to have lunch with a class mate.
Could not hear anything of what she said.
I felt extremely embarrassed and left very quickly. I looked so stupid and she seemed to think I was mocking her? As in keeping asking her to repeat and going "what?" a lot.
Cancelled plans to go out later this week.
I can't hear anymore with background noise at all.
Its getting very isolating, its like I may as well not be anywhere with anyone.

Keep going, just pick somewhere quiet next time.

Gremlinertia

failinis wrote: »

Trying to be more social and went to have lunch with a class mate.
Could not hear anything of what she said.
I felt extremely embarrassed and left very quickly. I looked so stupid and she seemed to think I was mocking her? As in keeping asking her to repeat and going "what?" a lot.
Cancelled plans to go out later this week.
I can't hear anymore with background noise at all.
Its getting very isolating, its like I may as well not be anywhere with anyone.

Anxiety has alway heightened background noise for me, if i don't know someone i'm meeting really well then i say hayfever/sinus is messing with my hearing. Usually when i'm meeting someone i don't know well my anxiety is even more heightened so all noises surrounding me seem amplified, yet nothing close registers so i've founf those excuses useful..

failinis

Esel wrote: »

Keep going, just pick somewhere quiet next time.

How quiet does it have to get? Walking from uni to the town with a class mate and I still found it very hard. I am leaving this week so its ok.

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Anxiety has alway heightened background noise for me, if i don't know someone i'm meeting really well then i say hayfever/sinus is messing with my hearing. Usually when i'm meeting someone i don't know well my anxiety is even more heightened so all noises surrounding me seem amplified, yet nothing close registers so i've founf those excuses useful..

I am not saying anxiety can't do that, but I don't feel for me like it's the case.
Could be by myself asking for something in a shop or on the phone, or watching tv and someone puts on kettle, its not anxiety in social settings etc.
I can hear but not understand, it turns into garbled up mumbles and mummers, no matter how loud the person repeats themselves.

I did say this to my GP in NI who looked in my ears and said it was all fine.
Been getting far worse now that I can not ignore it, before I could go in cafes and walk outside and understand the person next to me, now I can't.
Really feels like you are in a bubble.
Said to a GP here in Cornwall who depressingly said "it sounds more like something you need to tell the neurologist when you see them in summer".
But the best thing is, I am not deaf? I can hear certain things very well, and if you are in room with me, no other noise, I hear you loud and clear.

This is one ramble of a post sorry.

Other thing have been eating away at me. I don't even think its worth getting into. Distracting seems best.

Seems like my health often impacts how I feel, and unfortunately as of late, my health seems to not be 100%

Aglomerado

failinis wrote: »

But the best thing is, I am not deaf? I can hear certain things very well, and if you are in room with me, no other noise, I hear you loud and clear.

I have this problem too failinis and it's incredibly isolating socially. I can't hold conversations walking down a road where there is noisy traffic or in a corridor where people are walking past, doors opening and closing etc. If one of my neighbours calls out to me across the street when cars are passing, I have to go over and stand beside them before I can hear them.

I work in an open plan office and have difficulty using the phone if there are people talking or phones ringing around me.

I can hear a pin drop at the far side of a wide open space if it's quiet enough.

I work with folk who, like me, are very softly spoken and I can't join in their conversations because I can't hear them. So eventually I've given up! Now I'm the "odd one". (Although this scenario is far preferable to working with motormouths!)

Funnily enough, when at the Bruce Springsteen gig last week I had no problem talking to people even with 80,000 of them all around me!



Anyway, I'm seriously considering getting a referral to an audiologist/ neurologist about this as it's impacting me socially and thereby causing me stress and depression.
I've self-diagnosed "Hyperacusis" but would need a professional to confirm.

Well done on the Currant Bun (2:1)!

Hugo Stiglitz

Even stuffing my face doesn't give me the short lived satisfaction anymore. Not sure if this is a bad sign or if it should be used as inspiration to improve things.

failinis

Home now, went down to get cereal and hot water bottle filled.
I stopped before I went in to kitchen, because I felt such dread.
I realised if I went into the kitchen my stalker could be looking in the window at me. But even standing where I was like, what he was looking in the other windows. I felt watched. Really expected someone to knife me from behind.
No one was there. I feel like vomiting and my legs are shaking. Im trying to breathe normal now.
I love seeing family at home - but not feeling like this.

Even walking around the house I expect a bullet to just slam into my head. This is so stupid but I thought I was over with this, that I moved on.

Edit: I can breathe normally but stomach is in knots. I know there is a slim chance of him being there but does not stop my reaction. Going to try read and relax more and then sleep. Angry this happened to me again. Angry any of this had to happen.

failinis

Seeing one of the Neurologists on Friday in Belfast.
Half of me knows I should not expect to be told any kind of answer or definite diagnosis (or lack of anything to diagnose)
Other half knows I should not be building this up (positively or negatively).
Tried reaching out for support yesterday and got rebuffed by 2 family members. I knew they would rebuff but it hurts.
I am planning to go to an exhibition when I am up in Belfast, so its not "I am going to the hospital" but "doing a few things" up there.
This is so hard but I can manage and get through the rest of this year at least.

PMBC

failinis wrote: »

Seeing one of the Neurologists on Friday in Belfast.
Half of me knows I should not expect to be told any kind of answer or definite diagnosis (or lack of anything to diagnose)
Other half knows I should not be building this up (positively or negatively).
Tried reaching out for support yesterday and got rebuffed by 2 family members. I knew they would rebuff but it hurts.
I am planning to go to an exhibition when I am up in Belfast, so its not "I am going to the hospital" but "doing a few things" up there.
This is so hard but I can manage and get through the rest of this year at least.

Don't forget you need to celebrate your 2.1. Close friend went through a bad year last year and we all hoped he would (just) get through finals. He got a first and then said 'if I was feeling better, can you imagine how I would have done'. Aspirations set too high can be a problem, at times.
So enjoy Belfast and have a good day and that approach you are adopting looks just right. I appreciate it is very easy from the armchair. But all here are 'rooting' for you.

failinis

PMBC wrote: »

Don't forget you need to celebrate your 2.1. Close friend went through a bad year last year and we all hoped he would (just) get through finals. He got a first and then said 'if I was feeling better, can you imagine how I would have done'. Aspirations set too high can be a problem, at times.
So enjoy Belfast and have a good day and that approach you are adopting looks just right. I appreciate it is very easy from the armchair. But all here are 'rooting' for you.

Don't know how to celebrate it, but I feel knowing I done it, while sick with a lot of things going on, that I worked a lot for it.
Ah thats lovely for your friend, that really made me smile, hope he was living it up.
Be wonderful to be told nothing is wrong on Friday but I know thats unrealistic that I will be told anything
Yeah, I think is important to not have 1 sole reason to go, do any of you like art, its a Gerard Dillion exhibition. Never seen his work in person so am childish excited for it :pac:
Thanks, I know a lot of people read here and some PM me saying they don't know what to say (there is nothing to say) but the fact I know people are supportive helps. Family members seem in total denial, which is fair enough, its how they react, but when another sibling was waiting for a diagnosis he got all the support he needed, I can't even broach the topic. Whatever.
But yes, thanks everyone. I really don't know what I would have done without just such a simple thing as boards when I was living away trying to cope.

Makapakka

Had my first panic attack about 2 weeks ago and feel full of adrenaline at the moment I can't sleep. I was very almost asleep but then woke up every few minutes gasping for air. This is panicking me further I have really bad tonsillitis, my body has been under a lot of stress from it, a lot of fevers and a ten day antibiotic, panickee my throat is gonna close up because they have got bigger.. or a heart attack because my heart is working hard.. n then I did exams at the start of the week, that being paired with thinking I'm not a good enough mother, my child has been a tad emotional lately and I am terrified she'll be depressed when she's older.. she has most definitely noticed I haven't been with it the last few weeks. . I've lost a best friend also, we had an argument and she stopped talking to me, I'm trying to return to healthy eating and exercise but my relationship with food isn't good. . I only started new job n had to ring in sick today and more than likely will have to do it tomorrow (after already taking holidays on mon/tues).. I'm thinking of going back on medication but it feels like failure. . I feel like I'll be a zombie (even though from what I remember on sertraline I wasn't one)..

failinis

Just seen the neurologist who was very quick and barely examined me.
He did say its either I have an entirely new condition or he said "there are some genetic ataxias" and that I need an MRI.
He said its like 10% chance scan will show a tumour/lesion/cyst but said he feels its genetic.
Said not to even think of trying to be seen in N.Ireland as its a waste of time and just push for the time I am in England.
Disliked him saying that "confirming the other drs thoughts then its important to identify if this is one of the genetic ataxias".
So as I thought, a "need further tests" type thing.
Dont feel any better or any worse. This carries on till Sept.

failinis

One sibling has a huge arachnoid cyst on the brain, filled with water and takes 1/3 of his left hemisphere away.
We were all scanned and no one else had one (apparently its an unknown cause and may not be genetic).
Found out another sibling got a recent head scan for other reasons and they found a tiny arachnoid cyst, (I think they said its the size of a pea) but I find that 2 siblings is a bit of a coincidence is it not?
I have had a few head MRIs (head to waist for my spine issues) and they have never seen anything so unless they missed (as they were never looking for that to be fair) and if this only happened in the past 3 years even though symptoms date back 4-5 years.
I am worried for my nieces and nephews now in case this stuff is genetic (as in the fellas seem to think its a new disorder).

See, this **** is over thinking and I just have to try and not ruminate on this stuff.

DeVore

Pushing something away is only going to bury it... give it its due time and consideration, maybe take half an hour out and really go through your fears and concerns and thoughts and issues etc... make a list if that works for you, or just tick them off and really think about them, don't try and solve them just give them their time. Then, when you have exhaustively done that, put it all in a box marked "September" and if they try to come back for more time, they are being greedy and you can firmly dismiss them as having already been dealt with and you've moved on.
Just my 2c.

failinis

DeVore wrote: »

Pushing something away is only going to bury it... give it its due time and consideration, maybe take half an hour out and really go through your fears and concerns and thoughts and issues etc... make a list if that works for you, or just tick them off and really think about them, don't try and solve them just give them their time. Then, when you have exhaustively done that, put it all in a box marked "September" and if they try to come back for more time, they are being greedy and you can firmly dismiss them as having already been dealt with and you've moved on.
Just my 2c.

It is amusing me, the idea of making my worries "book an appointment" in September. I shall give it a try. To be honest I think I mentally went down a "could be a few bad things" list then thought no I have to get things done today and just pushed it down. Just need to make sure this does not get on top of me. Thanks.

candycock

Really struggling today and yesterday,I've yet to get up,no appetite or motivation to even shower,I started a job 2 weeks ago and I missed yesterday and today,my bosses are going mad,,how am I to explain this? Any advice?