LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

Makapakka

I am back on my medication. it upset me a whole lot to go back on it. I have been off it for about a year and just felt like such a failure. I felt/feel like I'm failing at life, I'm not where I thought I'd be, I've no hope for the future. And it terrifies me to think that. I kind of had a breakthrough after therapy the other day that my anxiety us coming from an intense fear of being depressed again. So much turmoil, hurt, pain n anger I went through the last time, whilst feeling guilty about how it was affecting my parents. I fell out with my best friend and for four years I've been in fear of it happening again. and it has happened to a degree that I might never see her again and now I'm scared, anxious and on edge. I'm scared of being alone, of never finding someone I have that connection with again, I am scared of death. Death means being alone. And I am terrified of being alone. I have such a bad fear of rejection I really am affected by it. I have done more digging around in my own head now than in the last few years because I can beat this, but it's gonna take more work than I anticipated. I literally feel highs and lows all day, sometimes just a matter of few minutes in between. I get the fluttering feeling of panic then I calm myself down then something else sets me off then I calm myself down. My therapist text me yesterday offering me an extra session this week but said to only take it if I need it. I would have been seeing him next week anyway but when this type of thing, I agonise over the right thing to do - seeing him again would mean failure at being so weak, but saying no I could regret it and end up panicking. I'm still agonising over it, I haven't made a decision. I said to myself this morning that I won't take it and then my brain seemed to betray me and I let it get out of control, thinking about death, about myself or my loved ones dying. I googled fear of death and was met with many articles. It's made it worse. I want to get rid of my smart phone, to take away the access to Internet and reading things that will make me feel worse but then i fesr being disconnected to the world. I'm a member of girlcrew n it's the only way i know that i could make new friends. . I also block out a lot of emotions for fear of it overwhelming me, for fear of being judged and also fearing acceptance of it. This post is all jumbled up.

DeVore

I would certainly not see getting those extra counselling sessions as "weak", in fact I would see it as strength. There is nothing stronger in my opinion than someone who can stand up and say "I need help right now". Its like someone saying "hey, look there are all these demons out here and I'm scared of them but I'll fight them to keep the village safe but I need a weapon man, I cant just go out there unarmed, I need a gun or a sword or a knife or fnck it just give me a pointy stick, anything, and I'll fight!". That person aint weak.

failinis

Just keeping my head up as best as I can, just hard.

Gremlinertia

failinis wrote: »

Just keeping my head up as best as I can, just hard.

It is damn hard, I'm heading to work, too scared to explore other options, too tired to deal with the things both my illnesses throw up.. Like you I'm keeping the head up too. Or trying.. Just keep talking to us all.

Makapakka

The doc put me on 25mg sertraline, but told me to take half a tablet for first week. I've been feeling a lot calmer, more myself and wondering about staying on the half for another week just to see. . I won't get a chance to speak to him today I don't think. But I might go in during the week to see what he thinks..

Shint0

Makapakka wrote: »

The doc put me on 25mg sertraline, but told me to take half a tablet for first week. I've been feeling a lot calmer, more myself and wondering about staying on the half for another week just to see. . I won't get a chance to speak to him today I don't think. But I might go in during the week to see what he thinks..

While nobody here can advise you on the best course of action, it's great to see you are getting relief, Makapakka, and I hope the positive effects continue for you. Hopefully your doctor will be able to offer you guidance on what's best in terms of dosage and treatment.

PMBC

Makapakka wrote: »

The doc put me on 25mg sertraline, but told me to take half a tablet for first week. I've been feeling a lot calmer, more myself and wondering about staying on the half for another week just to see. . I won't get a chance to speak to him today I don't think. But I might go in during the week to see what he thinks..

It reads you are doing well. Congratulations and keep it up. Doc will advise you as other poster said.

Lady is a tramp

Makapakka wrote: »

The doc put me on 25mg sertraline, but told me to take half a tablet for first week. I've been feeling a lot calmer, more myself and wondering about staying on the half for another week just to see. . I won't get a chance to speak to him today I don't think. But I might go in during the week to see what he thinks..

Seems to me to be a very low dose, only 12.5mg? I started on 50mg, went up in increments of 50mg until I reached 200mg, which is the highest dose my psychiatrist will prescribe. She said it usually takes 6-8 weeks to notice improvements on it. She does say it's absolutely the best one going for anxiety in particular (not sure if you're using it for anxiety or depression, maybe dosage is lower if it's for depression!)

DeVore

Rough weekend snuck up on me and I took my eye off the ball and let myself get Hungry Angry Lonely Tired (HALT!)... any two of which I would normally divert my attention to correct but of course I pushed myself and lit all four across the board and then had a row with my mother, one of the few people in the world I never want to row with. So that just made me feel worse and I contacted a good friend and sat down with them and talked it out and am now trying to piece things back together.

I should have seen the signs coming, not shaving, not walking the dog, stressing about things I can do nothing about etc. But now I need to head back to the surface and not wallow in this. I'm in a fight with this thing, so I'm GOING to get hit, I know that for kick boxing, no one ever fought and didn't get hit. So... I need to drag my ass through the molasses my brain keeps telling me is there until I realise its lying.

Lady is a tramp

The whole HALT thing is a constant theme in relapses (both for addiction and depression) in groups I've been part of. I'm usually OK with getting enough sleep etc, but if I'm on a downward spiral it's my diet that goes out the window first of all, followed by everything else.

Sounds like you're in a decent headspace anyways and have perspective on the whole thing. Very important. At least you can see it for what it is! Minor setback, easy to get back on track again.

mickstupp

DeVore wrote: »

Rough weekend snuck up on me and I took my eye off the ball and let myself get Hungry Angry Lonely Tired (HALT!)...

What is this??? I've not heard of this, I am interested. This rings bells. Like when tired I get bad real quick. And also I need to shave regularly or I start feeling awful too. Hungry messes up energy levels and my body confuses my head into thinking I'm depressed and then I become depressed. Am I on the right track?

Is there info on this HALT thing/?

DeVore

I dunno if there is any info on it but basically it was put to me as an acronym:
HALT! (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).... if you have any one of these you might be ok but you need to be on the look out. Two of them and you need to stop (halt... geddit!) and take care of at least one of them. Three or four and you are in serious red alert territory. Its proven to be very true for me.

Lady is a tramp

Another one that often comes up in addiction therapy (but could probably be applicable to anxiety/depression) is the Four Ds ... before engaging in damaging/impulsive behaviour, Delay, Discuss, Deep breathing, and Drink water ... sounds ridiculously simple, but it works for a lot of people until the dangerous period passes.

stuar

I'm here with a beer, got a day ban off CT, not to worry, maybe I was letting it get to me, but everybody here with depression, please realise it will pass, and come again, but it will pass.

Nobody really knows what your going through, even when they say they do they are lying, I don't really know what you's are going through, anybody here, feeling this, if it's 1,000 people 1,000 different symptoms, that's just the way it is.


DeVore had a nice post there explaining how to combat depression, then the next one was a victim of depression, it's the way it is, we can try give people encouragement from the strength we feel at that time, but we are all sometimes going to fall, the secret is to get up again, no matter what.


Life is a roller coaster you just got to ride it.

I do feel lonely but I isolate myself from everybody, I can have different personalities from hour to hour, sometimes I'm fun, sometimes I'm a cnut, some times I'm in-different, I don't even know what the fcuk I start talking about now.

Actually I do, I'm just saying:
"Be careful out there", come back safe.

Makapakka

It kind of frightens me that I could have this for life, like I don't want to accept it's part of who I am. I thought id work on it and it would be gone forever. It's what causes the panic, any hint of sadness and I think I'm going back to that black hole of despair that took me so long to climb out of. One thing that I realised is that I push sadness aside, I don't let it come and pass, I panic as I said if I feel anyway down.. n the reason I would be feeling down is more than likely from other sources and not depression. So it's something that needs working on. Instead of pushing certain feelings down, n it includes happiness because I am scared of happiness too, I am going to try accept them, try to understand them n let them pass .

mickstupp

DeVore wrote: »

I dunno if there is any info on it but basically it was put to me as an acronym:
HALT! (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).... if you have any one of these you might be ok but you need to be on the look out. Two of them and you need to stop (halt... geddit!) and take care of at least one of them. Three or four and you are in serious red alert territory. Its proven to be very true for me.

That is fantastic advice. I'm going to start thinking like this. Too often I slip downwards for no apparent reason.

Thank you so much.

DeVore

The main reason I post here is like everyone else, I just need to vent or get something out or make myself vulnerable to people who will understand (that works surprisingly well for me in fact... very counter intuitive to my usual way of thinking in fact).

But I also want people to see that bad periods come for me too. I'm not sitting on a throne in the promised land dispensing wisdom to those who want to follow me, I'm walking along side you going "I dunno.... this worked for me but it might or might not work for you, ****ed if I know ).

Even Mohammeh Ali got hit in his fights... I try not to beat myself up about it, I have enough of that going on already

Joe Musashi

Feel awful all the time; no energy, no concentration etc. I feel completely wrecked and irritable. It's like I will never feel better.

The only time I actually feel alright is when I have a fair bit to drink. The only couple of times over the last few years when I have felt well is when I am pretty drunk. It's like my head clears and I start to think lucidly. Daily tasks are such a struggle; even the most mundane things. I don't know, I just want to feel better.

FortySeven

Yesterday was a bad day. Spent all last night debating the merits of hanging myself. Didn't go to work today and didn't call in. Ended up getting a call from the garda due to a concerned family member. They knew something was wrong on Monday apparently.

FortySeven

FortySeven wrote: »

Yesterday was a bad day. Spent all last night debating the merits of hanging myself. Didn't go to work today and didn't call in. Ended up getting a call from the garda due to a concerned family member. They knew something was wrong on Monday apparently.

How are you doing now?

FortySeven

[Deleted User] wrote: »

How are you doing now?

I don't know. I think I'm going to get in the car and head for Scotland. Too many issues here I cannot resolve. I'm throwing in the towel.

FortySeven

FortySeven wrote: »

I don't know. I think I'm going to get in the car and head for Scotland. Too many issues here I cannot resolve. I'm throwing in the towel.

And then?

FortySeven

[Deleted User] wrote: »

And then?

No idea but I need a change of scene.

Shint0

FortySeven, most of us here don't know you in real life but we would be concerned about you. You have so much you are trying to deal with right now. For anybody who already has mental health difficulties it's really tough but to have so many life stresses on top makes it so much harder to cope.

Kids need a good father and your kids are so lucky to have that in you. Anybody can see that. You have fought so much for them. A friend of mine went through something very similar and he didn't have any mental health difficulties but things just got crazy from the other side. All I will say for anyone going through similar is things do start to ease up and settle down after a while once all the initial crap is out of the way and you can start to get on with things as best you can.

Stay connected to Boards. Just posting random, stupid stuff if you have to. Sometimes there can be negative criticism about the site but for some people it can be a lifesaver and a way to stay connected if someone is feeling isolated. There are not many sites out there you can say that about.

FortySeven

FortySeven wrote: »

No idea but I need a change of scene.

I'm going to be blunt with you. I know you wouldn't want to be pussy-footed around.

You can't run away. Everything you are and all that's inside of you will go with you. Here you have your children, a job, a house you have put so much time and effort into. What will you do in Scotland? Where will you live? Will you miss your children?

It's hard now. Hell it may be hard for some time. Ups and downs. I know all about living a life that's just fire fighting. One awful event after another. Just about feeling ok and then bang, mood plummets again. I'm still here. So are you. Above all else you must stay alive and you must keep fighting. You'll get through this.

Laeot

If I think I'm going crazy then I must not be insane ... I keep repeating to myself.

I've had anxiety for about 10 years and I've stopped drinking 4 four months ago. But in the last few days I feel like crossed a line in terms of anxiety .. In the wrong direction. I actually have effectively had a day-long panic attack making me feel terrified and in fear for my sanity. I mean terrified like an out of body experience. I'm even terrified sitting here now in a house full of my family.

It sucks.

Lady is a tramp

Laeot wrote: »

If I think I'm going crazy then I must not be insane ... I keep repeating to myself.

I've had anxiety for about 10 years and I've stopped drinking 4 four months ago. But in the last few days I feel like crossed a line in terms of anxiety .. In the wrong direction. I actually have effectively had a day-long panic attack making me feel terrified and in fear for my sanity. I mean terrified like an out of body experience. I'm even terrified sitting here now in a house full of my family.

It sucks.

Aw I know that feeling all too well. It's awful! Are you taking anything for it. Staying off the alcohol is a big help anyways!

Laeot

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

Aw I know that feeling all too well. It's awful! Are you taking anything for it. Staying off the alcohol is a big help anyways!

I'm on citalopram and Lyrica and take them religiously.
Thanks for the response . I kind of feel better already. I just feel so nervous amd shaky and when it's at its peak I feel completely helpless and terrified ...

TheSegal

Have a family gathering coming up soon and i'm dreading the thought of it. It's the anniversary of my mothers sudden death a few years ago. She died from a heart attack, I did CPR for ~40 mins on her but she didn't pull through. Now everytime there's a family gathering and my mother comes up I always overhear people mentioning me doing CPR and how strong I was that day. The truth is I feel like **** inside since that day, I know I couldn't save her but it still feels like I failed that day. No real point to this post apart from really needing a place to vent

Deedeemazzy

I had a really bad winter, depression and anxiety.. I ended up suicidal a couple of times and it scared me because I used to, before that, just find relief in thinking about being dead.. away in a quiet place with no noise and no anything else.. like being underwater maybe.
so.. I decided to book myself into counselling sessions.. There are a few that accept a donation for eg 25 euro per session etc..
Looking back I didn't understand my emotions, I didn't understand psychology.. things like projection, defense mechanisms.. I surfed on emotions without understanding them ... forever angry at the silliest and smallest of things in life..
6 months or so later, I'm very much a different person.. I haven't had depression or anxiety in a good few months..
When I begin to feel emotional (angry, sad, etc) I try to figure it out and ask myself why.. try to be kinder to myself.. kinder to other people..
I stopped last week going to therapy/counselling.. and will start yoga / meditation now this week instead.
I'm very fearful of the winter because it is so grey and dark and miserable and it gets me very down even thinking about it..
but I'm also hopeful that I'm in a better place so that it won't be as bad as last year.

Footnote: I take meds the last 5 yrs and although they keep me somewhat stable.. I strongly believe that counselling might be a better option or at least taking the two in conjunction. I've had depression for as long as I can remember.
I am not so sure that "talking to someone"... I mean just anyone is the best idea.. many of my friends or family don't understand or know how to react or what to say.. A trained professional on the other hand can help you through it.
www dot turn2me dot org is a free organisation that provide online and free counselling sessions.