72 Hours After Hitchens' Death, The End Of God

desertcircus

A punt at an Onion-style story.

DECEMBER 19TH -
Following the death on Friday of writer and polemicist Christopher Hitchens, the entire population of the planet appears to have been subject yesterday to the same phenomenon of hearing a voice purporting to be God and announcing the imminent end of all supernatural phenomena. It appears from the words heard by people around the world in their own language that following what was described as an “exhaustive and exhausting debate”, the Creator was convinced by Hitchens that his existence was logically nonsensical, and following what effectively amounted to a public service announcement, annulled not only His existence but the existence of any and all gods, afterlives, paradises and limbos. The text of the announcement, which declared that “I have no choice but to face the ineluctable fact of the impossibility of My own existence”, also made reference to Hitchens’ legendary facility for argument and debate, stating “at every turn, I am faced with Hitchens disproving My efforts”, and finished by advising the population of the earth that “there will be nothing beyond this life for you, and it makes no sense that there ever would have been”. Consequently, all organised and impromptu religious traditions and behaviours are effectively null and void as of this morning, and any previously understood religious beliefs have ceased to be.

Reaction to the end of all Gods has been largely positive. Hamas leader Hassan Nasrallah, asked by reporters why he was making a house call to Israeli minister Avigdor Lieberman, replied that “he rang me this morning to ask if I’d ever tried a bacon sandwich. Everyone else seems to adore them, so how could I turn it down? It’s not as if I’m going to be in any trouble for it.” The Supreme Guardian Council of Iran has ordered a selection of aged Scotch whiskies, while rumours that the bovine population of India has been suddenly depleted are thus far unconfirmed. In the United States, the Republican party’s presidential primary debate took a dramatic swing when Rick Perry announced his immediate withdrawal from the race, stating only that “I have literally no idea what my position on anything is anymore, so why on earth would I run for public office?” This sudden exit has had the unexpected effect of causing Perry’s stock to shoot up among swing voters, who are reasoning that what they want in the current situation is someone who is at least aware of his own gaping ignorance. In Rome, the Vatican’s announcement that its sovereign territory is to be declared the Principality of Partying appears so far to be in earnest, with trucks seen today bringing in waterslides, freestanding pools and tankers filled with beer.

Neither God nor Mr Hitchens could be reached for comment.

Kivaro

Hilarious!

Reaction to the end of all Gods has been largely positive. Hamas leader Hassan Nasrallah, asked by reporters why he was making a house call to Israeli minister Avigdor Lieberman, replied that “he rang me this morning to ask if I’d ever tried a bacon sandwich. Everyone else seems to adore them, so how could I turn it down?

This levity was badly needed after yesterday's news.

strobe

desertcircus wrote: »

A punt at an Onion-style story.

DECEMBER 19TH -
Following the death on Friday of writer and polemicist Christopher Hitchens, the entire population of the planet appears to have been subject yesterday to the same phenomenon of hearing a voice purporting to be God and announcing the imminent end of all supernatural phenomena. It appears from the words heard by people around the world in their own language that following what was described as an “exhaustive and exhausting debate”, the Creator was convinced by Hitchens that his existence was logically nonsensical, and following what effectively amounted to a public service announcement, annulled not only His existence but the existence of any and all gods, afterlives, paradises and limbos. The text of the announcement, which declared that “I have no choice but to face the ineluctable fact of the impossibility of My own existence”, also made reference to Hitchens’ legendary facility for argument and debate, stating “at every turn, I am faced with Hitchens disproving My efforts”, and finished by advising the population of the earth that “there will be nothing beyond this life for you, and it makes no sense that there ever would have been”. Consequently, all organised and impromptu religious traditions and behaviours are effectively null and void as of this morning, and any previously understood religious beliefs have ceased to be.

Reaction to the end of all Gods has been largely positive. Hamas leader Hassan Nasrallah, asked by reporters why he was making a house call to Israeli minister Avigdor Lieberman, replied that “he rang me this morning to ask if I’d ever tried a bacon sandwich. Everyone else seems to adore them, so how could I turn it down? It’s not as if I’m going to be in any trouble for it.” The Supreme Guardian Council of Iran has ordered a selection of aged Scotch whiskies, while rumours that the bovine population of India has been suddenly depleted are thus far unconfirmed. In the United States, the Republican party’s presidential primary debate took a dramatic swing when Rick Perry announced his immediate withdrawal from the race, stating only that “I have literally no idea what my position on anything is anymore, so why on earth would I run for public office?” This sudden exit has had the unexpected effect of causing Perry’s stock to shoot up among swing voters, who are reasoning that what they want in the current situation is someone who is at least aware of his own gaping ignorance. In Rome, the Vatican’s announcement that its sovereign territory is to be declared the Principality of Partying appears so far to be in earnest, with trucks seen today bringing in waterslides, freestanding pools and tankers filled with beer.

Neither God nor Mr Hitchens could be reached for comment.