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Poem - Opinions

  • 18-12-2011 11:58pm
    #1
    YeAh!
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 443 ✭✭


    I wrote this in college a few months after a friends mother died in a car crash. I woke up at 3am and wrote this. Well, i came across it again recently, and wanted to see what people though. Thanks

    Life & Death

    They're back today, aren't they?
    With wonderful accounts of their holiday!
    Safe and optimistic they will return,
    The respite, necessary, to escape life's problems,
    Life's woes and predicaments, if only for a while,
    To return fresh, energetic, alive!

    Knock on the door, dad in tears, confusion erupts,
    Why can this be?
    Reason refuses to acknowledge what, internally, is known by all,
    Panic consumes, apprehension envelops, unadulterated fear,
    Accident, Car, Injured, Dead,
    Repulsive words drip from his blubbering countenance,
    Our unsolicited suspicions confirmed

    Years elapse,
    Melancholy, misery and memories fade,
    Easier not to reflect, not to reason, not to feel,
    Focusing on the present the affliction eases,
    Until we unite once more,
    But life ruthless, merciless, and callous continues…


Comments

  • #2
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,555 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    I think using deliberately 'fancy' words for an emotional subject sends out a mixed message. The better lines are the ones that convey the short, sharp shock of the incident while 'internally', 'countenance' and the passive voice introduce a coldness and distance which for me doesn't sit well with the subject matter.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hello,

    i wasn't mad about 'blubbering countenance' phrase. I do like the line with 'internally' in it though.


  • #4
    CaoimH_in
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 945 ✭✭✭CaoimH_in


    Some lines:

    "They're back today, aren't they?
    With wonderful accounts of their holiday!
    Safe and optimistic they will return,
    The respite, necessary, to escape life's problems,"

    Are they supposed to be disruptive? If so, maybe not so disruptive. Find a happy medium to convey it; as the last line is pretty much prose, for me.

    Otherwise, it's not very musical.

    Angst is pretty cliche to be honest. Have a look around for different materials analogous to, or thoughts on, car crashes. Martin Amis found them to be sexual, but, certainly have a look around.

    Plenty of nice sounds, then some pretty bad ones: "drip from his blubbering countenance," then, "Our unsolicited suspicions confirmed," which lets it down.

    5.5/10.

    Constructive, honest, opinion :)


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